Chapter 21

He actually slept the whole night, except for waking up once from a nightmare, but managed to fall asleep pretty quickly after that. Mike didn't know if it was because he had been so exhausted or because of the fact that he and Harvey had talked yesterday. Harvey had also been there when he fell asleep which had really helped. It had been really nice that he had been there. Yesterday was one of the toughest days he had in a long time. He had kind of broken down a number of times, but it had been bound to happen. He really hadn't been able to take it anymore.

Harvey had been so nice to him, albeit a bit confusing. He hadn't really understood why Harvey left all of a sudden for example. He had thought that it had been something he had done, but then Harvey came back just a few minutes later and explained that he hadn't known how to handle things when he had realized that he had hurt Mike. It surprised him. Harvey always knew how to handle things. At least so he had thought, but of course that wasn't true. Harvey much feel uncertain as well, he realized. Everything was new for him too, and Mike did act irrational and weird, and Harvey hadn't known either. It comforted Mike. He wasn't the only person confused in this whole mess, and it made him feel a bit more equal to Harvey in the situation they were in. Mike really had to except that certain things had changed now. He wasn't the person he was before the cancer, and Harvey wasn't either.

Harvey would come with him to the hospital today. They were going to talk more about side effects. He hadn't taken the pills yesterday, and it had helped. He remembered that now. He would beg his doctor to get rid of those pills. He had after all felt better without them.

He should probably get out of bed. He had woken a while ago now, by Harvey knocking at his door. Harvey was probably waiting with the breakfast ready. He just felt so embarrassed that every minute avoiding going out was a good minute. But he should just do it. What was the worst thing that could happen?

"Hey!" Harvey greeted him when he came out in the kitchen.

"Did you sleep okay?" He asked studying Mike.

"Yeah, I did actually. Thanks."

"Good." Harvey smiled. "So you want juice or tea?"

Ha had both and was standing by the cupboards in a move to take out either a glass or a cup.

"Juice."

They ate and then left for the hospital. Harvey was on the phone with Donna the whole car ride. He gave her an update about Mike, but didn't mention his breakdown yesterday evening, something which Mike was grateful for.

He knew that Harvey probably thought that he was acting weird, but he just couldn't help it. He couldn't act like he normally would. He hardly knew how that was anymore, and it would just feel fake. He didn't want to have it like that of course, it was just how it was at the moment.

– SUITS –

Harvey glanced over at Mike. Donna had told him to hug the kid and that Mike would love it if he did. Harvey wasn't so sure. It would be so awkward. Mike wouldn't even talk to him. It was like he had gone mute or something. But he didn't comment on it. It was Mike's decision whether he wanted to talk or not. Harvey was just going to be there for when he did want to talk.

Harvey followed Mike as they walked through the dwindling corridors of the hospital until they reached the office of Mike's doctor. Mike knocked and they were let in.

"Good morning Mike, oh and I see you brought company. That's good. Good morning, Mr Specter was it?" They shook hands and where offered to take a seat, Harvey and Mike next to each other in front of a desk.

"So, how have you been feeling lately Mike?"

Mike shrugged his shoulders. "Not so great I guess." He said quietly. The doctor didn't seem faced by Mike's lack of providing any more information, he just continued asking him questions.

"How have you been sleeping?"

"Badly. Not better then what I told you last time." He said.

Harvey felt like he had to jump in. "Tell him about yesterday." He earned himself a glare from Mike. The doctor waited.

"Fine. Well, I have been sleeping even worse, and felt like crap every night, so I thought I would just try and not take a few of the pills and see if it helped. And it did! I could sleep without having those bad thoughts."

He also told his doctor a bit more about what had happened last night, leaving out their little fight.

The doctor nodded, and asked which pills the kid had skipped. He also asked why Mike had chosen those, and the kid rambled from memory about the different side effects they could have. At least he was talking now. Dr Lundin sat there and nodded along as Mike talked. He then shared his opinion.

"I'm sorry to say Mike that I don't believe your improved emotional state yesterday was caused by you not taking all of your medication. It's not just possible I'm afraid. It's not that fast acting so that you would notice a change being without them for just one night."

"But I was feeling better!" Mike argued.

"And that had to been due to other reasons, you said you had company when you fell asleep, that might have been an important factor. You felt safe."

Harvey looked at Mike who blushed and stared down at the table, looking a bit pissed. After a while he spoke again.

"I still think I should stop taking them."

"I don't agree Mike, you are taking them for a reason, which I know that you know too. We will have to take another approach, so that you will feel better."

He paused for a second, looking at Harvey as well, before continuing.

"Alright Mike, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and I want you to answer them truthfully." The doctor glanced at Harvey, and Harvey understood that he was probably worried that Mike wouldn't since he was there.

"He will." He said, and gave the other man a nod. Mike looked between them but they nodded too. "Fine."

"You have been having trouble sleeping, we know that. Would you say that you have a good apatite or not?"

"I eat."

"Mike." Harvey said. Mike rolled his eyes.

"No, I don't have an appetite. I'm not really that hungry anymore. Nothing really taste good."

"I understand, you have lost some weight as well, which is not unusual in your situation. Do you know how much you lost?"

Mike shook his head. Dr Lundin looked in the papers in front of him. "You have lost about 20 pounds Mike."

"Okay."

"I also want to ask you a bit about your behavior. Do you feel like it has changed?"

"Yeah, I guess." Mike hesitated. "I don't really feel like myself anymore."

"Do you have mood swings?"

"Yes, he does." Harvey helped. Mike told him to shut up. "See?" Harvey said and smirked.

"So, do you feel really angry or sad all of a sudden?" Mike nodded.

"And how about guilt and self-worth Mike?"

"What?"

"Do you feel guilty?"

Mike squirmed on his chair, before he nodded again. He was biting his lip and not meeting their eyes. Harvey kind of wanted to stop these questions.

"Do you feel hopeless?"

"Yes, of course I do." Mike suddenly raised his voice. "You have told me that I will fucking die within a year, so of course I feel hopeless! I'm just supposed to walk around here waiting for it, feeling like crap while I do it. How would you feel?"

"Not so good of course." The doctor calmly answered. "How about your interests Mike, do you still enjoy doing them?"

"What interests? I don't have time for that. All I do is work. Well, did. I can't really concentrate on it anymore."

"Do you enjoy your work."

"Yes!"

"Now as well."

"I have other things to think about then making money for others." Mike wasn't looking at Harvey. Well, the kid was right.

"So you don't enjoy it anymore."

"No, not really I guess. Mostly I just feel too tired. That's why. If I wasn't so tired I would work more. I would…" He was glancing at Harvey now, as if he remembered that Harvey was his boss after all.

"It's fine." Harvey had to tell him.

"Have you had any thoughts about suicide, Mike?" Was the next question, and Harvey felt himself stiffen a bit in his seat. He had had the same question on his mind. He never thought Mike would have it, but it still bubbled up in his brain last night when Mike didn't want to take his pills.

"No! I haven't. I don't to die!" Mike voice was close to breaking, and the doctor held up his hands in a calming manner.

"I was just a question Mike, I know that you don't want to die. Of course not. I'm sorry I had to ask." He said, and Mike seemed to accept it.

"Mike. From what I have heard from you today, and from previous information I'm going to diagnose you with a major depression. You fit most of the criteria for it, and unfortunately it in not uncommon for cancer patients to fall into a depression. I'm going to adjust your medication and prescribe you some antidepressants."

"Yeah...okay." Mike said weakly.

"I also would advise you to start therapy. It might help you a lot."

"Yeah, I will think about it." Mike was all said. Harvey just sat there listening. Mike was depressed. He didn't argue, so it seemed like Mike wasn't that surprised. Harvey was. At least at first, but the more he thought about it, it made sense. Poor kid. Harvey felt even more symphaty for him at Mike's next question.

"So I will feel better?"

"That's the aim Mike."

Mike and Harvey sat quiet as they were told more about depression. Mike sometimes would ask something or confess that a criteria suited him. After a while the doctor was finished and asked if they had any other questions. Mike sat quiet, staring down the table again.

"Well, actually I have some questions." Harvey said. He glanced back at Mike. He had leaned back in the chair with his eyes closed. "What is the cause of the depression? Is it side effects from his treatment?"

"It is most likely one of the factors, the other is that Mike is in a very hard situation. Anyone could depressed from getting a diagnose like Mike's."

Harvey nodded. "Of course."

"And what can I do?" He asked, causing Mike to look up. What was the kid thinking? That he wouldn't help?

"Keep doing what you are doing, showing Mike your support. He needs a lot of it now. He needs to know that it is okay to feel the way he does. Because it is Mike." He added. "He needs to feel safe and comforted, and understood. He needs to know that he isn't alone in all of this."

Mike made an embarrassed sound, but Harvey just ignored him, and nodded. "Of course." He repeated.

"It is difficult to handle all of the emotions that you might be feeling Mike, but you need to know that it is okay to have them."

"Yeah, alright. I get it. It's not that bad though. I can handle it. I have been doing it so far."

"Unfortunately you will be getting sicker Mike, before you can start to get better."

"Yeah, you keep saying that. Thank you."

"Mike…"

"Thank you. Are we done here?" Mike interrupted. He clearly thought so.

"Well, if you don't have anything else you would like to bring up."

"No."

Harvey had a lot of stuff he wanted to ask, but Mike would probably storm out, so it could wait.

They left after that, Dr Lundin promising to adjust the medication by the next day.

As soon as the door closed to the office Mike swore and leaned against the wall as he hide his face in his hands. "Shit. I knew it." He said. Harvey decided to just wait him out. The kid groaned. Before standing straight again.

"Okay. That was awkward."

"It was okay." Harvey told him. "You want to go and grab something to eat?"

"Yeah, okay. But I probably won't eat anything just so you know. I'm not supposed to have an appetite."

"Are you supposed to make jokes then?"

"Oh, shut up. Let's just go."

They decided to have lunch at the hospital before they left, since it was the closest, even though Mike grumbled about having to spend more time there then he absolutely had too. They joked around a bit, both in need of letting up the mood a bit.

– SUITS –

When they sat down to eat Mike was subdued and sat there staring down into his food. He didn't know what Harvey was thinking about all of this, about everything they just learned about his illness and the consequences of it. His depression. He was depressed. He had thought he was before this appointment, but now he had it on paper. Yay.

"So…" Harvey started forcing him to look at the other man. "You are depressed." He stated.

Mike couldn't help but roll his eyes. "Apparently." He said.

"There is nothing wrong with that Mike. Lot's of people get depressed."

"Oh, spare me that talk Harvey. You don't have to."

"I know that. But I want you to know that I'm okay with it."

"Oh, so you had the option of not being okay with it then."

"That was not why I said it."

Mike paused. What was he doing? This wasn't Harvey's fault. He shouldn't take it out on the older man, that clearly was out of his comfort zone.

"I know." He said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

They were quiet for a while.

"So, now what?" Mike wanted to know. "What do I do now?"

"We, will deal with it. Maybe you should look into some therapy Mike. It might be good."

"I don't want to sit there and pour my emotions out to some stranger, what good will that do?"

"Well, you might get help. Many times it works Mike."

"Yeah, because you have so much experience of it then? Would you do it?"

"I would be open to it, if I felt like crap, yes."

"Oh…okay. I just… I don't know. Do I have too?"

"It's your decision Mike, but I think you should seriously consider it. You have a lot to carry around after all."

"Yeah, I guess I will consider it then." He really would.

"Good."

Mike looked at Harvey for a moment. He was eating his food looking thoughtful, but nothing else. He didn't make fun of him or something. He just acted like this what they were talking about was important, and it felt good. Maybe things would get better after all from now on.

"Mike?"

"Yeah…"

"Are you okay? I've been saying your name twice now."

"Yeah I'm fine. It's just a lot to take in right now."

"Tell me about it! I wanted to tell you something."

"What?"

"I want you to know that you can come to me. I have said it many times now, but I don't know. It doesn't seem like you get it yet. I want you to come to me. And I want you to do it before it gets out of hand, like yesterday. Just talk to me and we can avoid that sort of things. I don't want to risk makig you feel worse by me not having all the facts, do you understand."

"Yeah, I do Harvey."

"Then answer this, why haven't you told me about this whole you not sleeping thing, or you feeling like hell?"

Mike rolled his eyes, but Harvey seemed to get annoyed by it.

"I just…I don't know." He said lamely.

"Yes you do."

And he did. Of course he did.

"It's embarrassing Harvey! Don't you get that? It's embarrassing and humiliating to talk about me wanting to fucking cry because I feel alone, even though you are in the next room. That's why I haven't told you. I feel like a damn kid or something. I should be able to handle it." He was getting upset again.

"But that's just it! Isn't? You don't have to! That's what I keep telling you." Harvey sounded angry now. "Don't be embarrassed. It's not your fault. I get it if you are feeling depressed. I get it Mike. It's not like I will hold it against you in some why."

"I know."

"And do you think I will turn you down?"

"No…"

"Exactly. If you come to me, kid, I will help you. That's what I do. Get it through your head."

"Okay."

Harvey angrily stabbed his food.

"And eat up." He added, but lightly now. Mike sighed a bit, and picked up his fork. He wasn't really hungry. Harvey didn't say anything else. He looked over at Mike now and then though, he was probably waiting for Mike to say something now.

"I will talk to you." He said quietly. Harvey didn't answer. "I have just been...You know… It's hard."

Harvey gave him a look that said continue, so he did. "I just feel so different, and I know that you think of me in the way that I was before all this, but I don't feel like that person anymore. And I don't want to be this person that I am now, and it feels like if I admit it I can't go back."

"There is nothing wrong with the person you are now Mike. You are still you."

"Am I though?"

"Yes you are. You are just going through a tough time."

Mike nodded. Maybe Harvey was right? It would be great if he was right. He just needed to know one thing, even if he thought he knew the answer.

"So you won't think any less of me?"

"No Mike. I won't. I thought you knew that by now."

"Yeah, I guess. I just wanted to know for sure you know."

"Okay. Now you know."

"Yeah, I guess I do. Thank you Harvey. It means a lot."

"You are welcome Mike." Harvey sighed. "I just want you to be as okay as you can be."

"Thanks."

Silence spread again. Should he continue? He might as well.

"I freak out sometimes. I can't explain why, I don't think I know why. And especially at night. I don't know what to do with myself then, and I just…" He paused. "I just want to cry or scream until something changes, and Harvey, I was just thinking that maybe I could come to you then?" He felt his eyes starting to tear up, but he kept Harvey's gaze. He saw how the other man's expression changed. He looked so sad all of a sudden.

"That's exactly when you should come Mike."

"But even if it's in the middle of the night?"

"Yes."

Mike wiped his face and nodded. "Good. Heh… I really can't control it." Tears kept coming. This time it was from relief.

"It's alright."

"But it is just so embarrassing when I cry all the damn time."

"You know what?! I don't care Mike. Hell, you can cry all you want. I don't care." Harvey told him forcefully.

"Yeah… okay." He added after a while. "It's still embarrassing though. Don't get pissed if I don't come to you for everything. I have to get used to it."

"Sure. Just know that you don't have to feel embarrassed Mike." He nodded.

"This whole conversation is embarrassing."

Harvey chuckled. "Tell me about it…"

Mike felt lighter when they walked out of the hospital and went to the office. He almost felt like his old self for a little while, and he had thought that Mike was gone. Harvey really did have his back after all. He felt really lucky. He really did admire Harvey, and right now he didn't know what he would do without the other man.

– SUITS –

Mike seemed to be happier after their little talk, reassured too hopefully. Harvey was glad if he could make Mike's day a little bit better. The kid deserved it, he deserved a break. It couldn't have been fun to hear that he was depressed. He still couldn't really believe it, that Mike on top of everything now was diagnosed with a depression. A major depression, whatever that meant.

He really hoped that Mike would come to him if he had any problems from now on. He would do his best to help him then if he did.

They had a lot to deal with now. Harvey hadn't really known how bad it was with Mike, the kid was sick sure, and had been acting strange lately but the thought that Mike was depressed hadn't crossed his mind. It made sense though. However he vowed to not treat Mike any differently if it wasn't needed. The kid would probably appreciate it.

He had hesitated a bit if he should bring Mike to work or not, but it didn't feel right to leave Mike alone at the apartment either. However Mike had said that he didn't enjoyed work anymore. Eventually he decided to just ignore that for now. Mike didn't seem to mind when they got to the office, in fact he didn't mention it at all.

Mike said that he felt alright to work, and wasn't really that tired. He even wanted to work at his cubicle and Harvey didn't stop him. He was actually kind of relieved to have a moment to himself. He sat down heavily in his chair and closed his eyes for a minute. He heard his door opened and close, and looked up at Donna, who took a seat in front of him.

"Are you okay?" she asked him.

"Yeah, Donna." He sighed.

"Is Mike okay?" Was her next question and Harvey leaned back in his chair.

"Well…He is right now."

"But?"

"Apparently he is depressed."

"He is?"

"I went with him to the hospital today, and his doctor diagnosed him with a major depression."

"Oh my god." Donna gasped. "Oh, poor kid. I didn't know it was that bad Harvey. He seems okay here. Oh, I should help out more. How come I didn't see it? Did you know?"

"Calm down," Harvey told her. "I didn't know it was that bad either Donna. Well, until yesterday I guess."

"What happened?"

"If you calm down I will tell you."

"I am calm."

"He had a little breakdown yesterday, and we fought."

"You fought with him? My god Harvey, how could you do that? I thought that you were going to talk to him."

"Well, we did talk. After we fought."

Donna just waited for him to continue now, so he did. "He was refusing to take his meds, and I got pissed. I don't know, but I was going to force him to take them, but he would't." He chuckled a bit. "He even tried to hit me."

"That's not funny."

"No, you're right. It wasn't. He was so upset, and I hurt him."

"You did?"

"I grabbed his arm, and held on to it to stop him from hitting me, but then he started yelling that it hurt, so I let go and he fell."

"Did hurt himself then, did you take him to the hospital?"

"No, he was fine. Well, he wasn't hurt. I just…I…" He got lost in thought. He remembered the way Mike had looked up at him from the floor. He had looked so devastated.

"Harvey? What did you do?"

"I left a bruise on his arm."

Donna only nodded.

"But then he came and said he was sorry and I fucking ignored him. I think I hurt him more by doing that. When I went to his room later, he was crying."

"Oh Mike."

"He told me that he has been feeling really bad lately, so bad that he can't sleep. And he is having nightmares."

"No wonder they diagnosed him with a depression then. But he is getting help for that right?"

"Yes."

"Harvey, you are doing really good with him. You should know that. Don't feel bad. You got him to open up to you finally." Donna got up. "I'm going to go and talk to him."

She disappeared and Harvey got busy with work. For now he would believe that she was right.

They had a good night that night. Donna came with them home and the three of them had dinner. Donna decided to stay until late, and somehow she ended up in Mike's room when it was time for him to go to bed. Harvey could hear the two of them talking quietly. Apparently he wasn't invited.

Donna came out thirty minutes later. "He is sleeping." She announced. "Went out like a light when I started to tell him about my aunts book club."

Harvey laughed. "Sounds like he took the easy way out." He smiled at her. "Thank you Donna. He really needed tonight."

"So did you." She said, and he realized that she was right.

They ended up talking some more, mostly about Mike, before Donna headed home.

Before Harvey went to bed he went to check on Mike. He was barely visible underneath the covers. He was hugging a pillow to his chest. Harvey hoped that he wasn't in pain. He left the door opened.

– SUITS –

Another on day chapter. I hope you like it. Not much happened though. A bit more will be happening in the next chapter, it will involve Louis. It will come soon I think.
Thank you very much for the reviews! It's really inspiring :)