These characters are obviously not mine. I'm just borrowing them for a few moments. :Thinks of all the fun I could have if I had them, wicked grin: Too bad. --;

Heero's Journals.

Entry Two: Broken Memories...

Today I sat out on the cliffs for hours, staring over the edge. Not looking at anything, stuck in my mind, trying not to yell out across the chasm. I had to have some distance. Today was a mess. Bits and pieces run through my vision as I close my eyes trying to erase the memory.

I remember standing there in shock, that it was gone. It wasn't much; the sort of thing I normally wouldn't look at twice. Today was the first day I put it out to see if maybe you would notice. Your face showed you had no idea what happened as you kept trying to apologize.

I shake my head trying to forget my own stupidity; thinking it meant more then it did.

You saw my weakness, as I fought for control. Standing there in our office in front of you. I was witness to the disgust on your face. And my world fell apart.

Then all I needed was for you to be quiet.

And I left the pieces scattered and the door slammed in my haste to retreat. I vaguely remember brushed off questions as I stalked down the hall.

How is it that one small thing can have so much meaning to one person. And the other has forgotten. If that doesn't tell me where I stand I don't know what does. Yet I wrap my arms around myself, pretending for a moment you've cared to come find me. The air is starting to take the chill of night, but I'm not ready to enter the real world again.

Now I lay back and look at the stars. Oh how I wish I were back up among them. The one place it's so easy to forget who you are.

I think I'll need to ask to work alone again. But I don't know which will hurt more. Having you near, knowing you're unreachable, or out of my sight as well as out of my reach. I guess I just have to get used to dealing with what I can get.

You were so close these past weeks, I thought that maybe I could put myself out there and take a chance. See if there was any chance what-so-ever that we could be more than what we are. Maybe I was just searching for signs to fit what I desire.

I turn to my side and curl in on myself, wishing I could put this away, just to get some closure. So I can be free of it all. But I also want to hold you close and know you're mine...

...And I am yours.

But that's not the way things work. So I will get up. Ignoring those parts of me that want to run and hide away. Tomorrow I will apologize and move on.

- - - - The next day - - - -

I went into work early today. Everything from yesterday still needs to be done.

I've been working for a while when I hear footsteps behind me. There's a hesitant 'Hi" as he tries to gauge what I'm like today. Sighing, I turn around to get this over with.

"Sorry."

Blink. "For what?"

I sigh. Can't just accept that can he? Of course not. That'd be way too easy.

"I shouldn't have snapped like that. But, I knew you were sorry. You didn't need to say it five million times. Life goes on. There was still work to be done, and now none of it got done…" My tone brisk in an effort to forstall any further conversation. Especially further into this topic... No such luck.

"Yeah… I was going to apologize again..."

Please don't start again.

"...but I guess I can skip that part huh?" He pauses and offers up uncertainly, "If there is any way I can make it up to you…?"

"Duo, just sit down. We're both a half day behind on work now." I'm still not in the mood to deal with his nonsense. 'Please' I make a silent entreaty 'just let it go'

"It would make me feel better if I could make it up to you." He sounds more sure of himself now.

I sit quietly for a moment, mentally assessing him. What should I tell him? Eventually I take the easiest answer; ignoring the twisting feeling inside. "I guess you'll just have to wait a few months then."

He gives me this blank look, "Huh?" and all of a sudden it's all I can do to keep from laughing. God how pathetic.

"It was the first birthday present I had ever received, Duo, and clearly you are as numb-skulled as you act because you were the one to give it to me six years ago."

Dismissing him as best as I can, I turn around to face my desk again. After a few moments I hear him moving towards his desk in the background. There's work to be done and I DO NOT feel like dealing with this any more. So I concentrate on the form in front of me with more concentration then it deserves and put the last few bricks of my defenses back in place.

And if there are a few cracks left over...

...most likely no one will be able to get close enough to tell the difference.