Heero's Journal
Entry Four: a good idea at the time.
Yesterday, I broke our routine.
People think that I'm so quiet I probably don't have any problem with saying the wrong thing, but I speak when I know I shouldn't. Yet knowing this doesn't stop the words from spilling out of my mouth, beyond my control.
Usually we merely acknowledge the other's leaving. The only exception is when Duo asks me to go out drinking with him. Neither was true this time. I spoke up. He stayed at my call and for a moment I didn't know what to say. But I did.
"Is it true you're tired of living in an apartment?"
It was. And I knew it. As if I would let myself do anything without acquiring any data I could about the situation… But this all must play out to the script set before me.
Everything he said made sense. Brought me back to places I didn't want to be, but I knew exactly what he meant.
He made the offer.
I accepted.
He was completely taken by surprise and I could have professed to be joking at any point. I waited for the words to leave my lips. But I plowed right on. Speeding through stop signs.
"Do any of them match?"
He leaned down over me to look at the houses I have chosen. I couldn't help but briefly close my eyes and revel in him being so near. Bringing to the forefront of my mind other times, different places we have been.
I have to catch my breath. That this is a bad idea flashes through my head.
I try to ignore it.
Feeling safe and protected just from him above me, no physical contact happening at all, I have to bite my lip when he recedes. I try to keep from leaning after him.
Please stay a little longer.
And that is what I mean.
"They are ordered by preference. Which was your favorite?"
He leans over again to point to one a couple down and I feel his warm breath on the back of my head.
"That one, it was about the same on my preference list as yours until I saw it, it's nicer in person"
It takes me a moment to understand what he's saying but then it hits me.
There is a house. Tomorrow we will go look at it… together.
I went home in high spirits. Thinking about how great it will be that we both got something we wanted.
Today I called him gold… If only he knew.
But here in the dark quiet of early morning, my brain has re-engaged and as is often the case, now that I'm thinking about it, I have changed my mind.
I refused to admit to the reality of it; refused to acknowledge that I knew full well what I was doing.
Now this will happen.
How do I do this?
I'm not trying to say I don't want to live with him. I do. So badly sometimes I can't keep it from hurting. I just don't want it like this.
Can I take only this and nothing more? Accept his friendship and let it be? How long I wonder will it be before he knows the truth… and then I will have nothing.
It's so hard to be here during the day and have to interact while my heart feels like it's breaking, but now there will be no escape.
He will be everywhere.
This is more depressing then I intended it to be. Sorry. > ;
Please be kind, I'm trying to get back into writing after a long while...