CHAPTER SIX: Never Danced
The dinner party was over, thankfully, and I got in my car to head home. I looked through my CDs and decided I felt like listening to the jazzy beats and soulful lyrics of Luther Vandross. Even though inside I was crying, I drove home, singing along to "She Loves Me Back", one of my favorite songs. It made me feel better. It always made me happier to sing.
But after that song came "Dance With My Father". I never listened to it before. I'd always fast-forward when it came to that song, for fear that I might have to face my feelings about my dad. I was never ready to do that, but that one night, I felt like I had to hear it.
Back when I was
a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would
lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me
around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And
I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another
walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never,
ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
My father never lifted me high. He never carried me up to bed. He never danced with my mother. He never danced with me. Before I even realized it, tracks of tears were imprinted on my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly. My father always told me never to cry. And so I always tried my hardest to obey him.
When I and my
mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to
him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me
do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He
left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone
from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one
final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever
end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree…well, that didn't happen too often. I loved her so much and she loved me. Or at least I thought she did. But her alcoholism proved me wrong. And then my dad left us. That's when arguments between my mother and me started to get bad. I couldn't bare to see her destroy herself, but she never listened to me. She'd yell and scream and reach for the booze.
I always wondered what my life would've been like if certain things didn't happen. What if my mom never started drinking? What if Dad didn't leave? I couldn't help but wonder over and over again until my mind physically ached from exhaustion.
I parked my car in my driveway and got out. I opened the door and immediately jumped on my bed. I tried my best to tune out my thoughts, but they didn't want to be tuned out. I kept trying until I fell asleep. My mind still wasn't at peace, though. Thoughts of my father and mother and my screwed-up life echoed in my mind and in my nightmares.
Every night I fall asleep, and this is all I ever dream.