CHAPTER SEVEN: The Third Tuesday, We Talk About Regrets

Every day after that Saturday, I was more depressed than ever. Every morning, I'd lay in bed, rubbing my eyes, checking the time, preparing to get up and start the day. And then I started asking myself why. Why should I get up? The classic "No reason to get out of bed" feeling came to me. Why? I thought about it. There was nothing that I needed to do. No one I had to see or talk to. No job to go to. No one would notice if I didn't come out for days. No one would care.

So I thought, 'I'm going back to sleep. Why not?' Then it hit me. I didn't want to go back to sleep. I wasn't tired. But, here I was, lying in bed, contemplating getting up in the morning. It wasn't that I didn't want to get out of bed, I just didn't want to…I don't know…do anything. And then, I started pondering that. There was nothing in the world I wanted to do. Nothing. And I mean nothing. I thought about it long and hard. Didn't feel like eating, or checking my email, or going to a bar. Didn't feel like mingling, flirting, socializing with friends or strangers.

I didn't want to even do things that I have longed for for quite some time. Things like playing a rock concert with millions of adoring fans, my blonde hair wild and my eyes full of life. I thought about what that would be like. I didn't want it. And the dream of this perfect Christmas day, with my sons and daughters on my knees as they opened their presents from me and a woman who actually loved me. I imagined it. Didn't want it. Felt nothing about it.

I dreamt of going back to Australia and seeing my old friends, seeing my old house with the tire swing and tree house and white picket fence. Didn't want it. Didn't desire anything in the world. Not even taking back my sins. And that's something I thought I'd always want to do.

So, there I was. Lying in bed. 6:22 in the morning. Thinking about so much, but feeling absolutely nothing. My heart felt like a hollow container, and my soul seemed to have vanished completely. I wasn't scared or sad or angry. I was…nothing.

So, nothing I did. I laid in bed from Sunday morning until Tuesday morning when I realized that I did have a reason to get out of bed that day. I had to go see House. I dragged myself out of bed and dressed quickly before driving to House's. When I arrived, the pretty woman greeted me once again.

"Hi, Mr. Chase. House is ready to see you," she said as I entered. Sounded like I was going to see a therapist.

I replied, "Thanks, Mrs…um…you know, this is embarrassing. I've been here like four times and I haven't gotten your name."

"It's Trinity…Trinity Jacobs. And I know your last name, but I didn't catch your first," Trinity answered. "Wait, let me guess. I'm really good at guessing names. I guessed House's name when I first met him!"

"Really? That's amazing. Okay, guess mine," I said.

"Hmmm…Bobby?" She guessed.

My eyes widened with surprise as I smiled. "Wow! Yeah, it's Robert. You're right. How do you do that?"

"I don't know really. Just a specialty," Trinity replied with a smile.

Then I saw House peeking his head out of the door watching us. "Um…I think House is watching. I better go."

"Yeah, that's why you're here, right?" Trinity said as pointed toward House's door. I went in.

I said jokingly, "So aside from nephrology and infectious disease, you have a specialty in espionage?"

House replied snarkily, "Yeah, and your girlfriend seems to have a triple specialty in taking care of grumpy old men, flirting with cute Australian visitors, and a surprising talent in the field of onomastics."

I smirked as I sat down next to him. House continued, "So are you interested in her? I mean, you probably haven't gotten down with anyone since your divorce."

My divorce. I didn't want to talk about it, so I moved onto the next subject. "So what great intellectual conversation are we going to have today?"

"Today we're going to talk about regrets," House said, already having it planned out.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I'd regret not talking about it," House replied with mock sincerity.

I sat back waiting for House's first question. And then it came. "So, let's get right to it. Do have any regrets?"

"Of course. Who doesn't?" I said.

House responded, "What are they?"

"A lot of things."

"Come on, Chase. We don't have time to dilly-dally. General Hospital's on in thirty minutes. So just tell me!" House said eagerly.

"Where do I even start?" I asked sadly.

"You can start with your divorce," House offered.

I shook my head. "Why are you so interested in my divorce, House?"

"Because she was my…well, she wasn't really my friend. She was downright annoying most of the time. Like a Furbie. But you guys seemed…really happy. And then one day, you weren't together. Neither of you really ever told me why. So, what happened?" House asked.

"I still don't feel like talking about it," I said quietly.
House paused before saying, "Okay. Well, any other regrets then?"

I sighed deeply. "Never having children, never following my dreams…"

House said, "You can still have children. You can still follow your dreams."

"No, I can't. I'm too old for that now."

"Too old! That's me we're talking about. I'm the one who is reaching 70. I'm the one who can't do anything else with his life," House said.

"70's not old, House. You can still do a lot of things."

"And you can't? Why? Is 45 the new 100?" House asked sarcastically.

I shrugged. "You can still do things because you have things you WANT to do. I have nothing anymore. I feel nothing."

"You feel depressed."

"Yeah…"

"So you do feel something," House offered.

I told him, "Usually I don't even feel depressed. I just feel completely hollowed out."
"Hollowed out…nice image, Chase."

I knew it would make me sound vulnerable, but I felt like I had to tell him. "The only time I have emotions provoked in me in when I'm here with you."
"You're not coming out of the closet, are you?" House asked.

"No. Talking with Trinity, talking with you, even just walking up to this house makes me feel alive."

"I guess you need to spend more time here, then," House said. I nodded.

"Yeah, I guess so. But the really ironic part is that when I'm here, I have to open up old wounds and deal with myself, but I still feel happier than when I'm anywhere else," I commented.

"Well, you always were into pain," House said, referring to my past.

I smiled. "That was only one girlfriend I had! And I was the sadist in the relationship, not the other way around. How many times do I need to clarify that?"

House replied, "Until you stop hurting yourself. Then maybe I'll believe it."