Chapter 37. Bad news
Harvey and Mike was sitting next to each other in the two comfortable chairs that was placed in front of Dr Lundin's desk. They had almost missed the appointment since Mike had been having some trouble with getting out of bed and getting dressed. Harvey had been forced to help him which had been pretty humiliating, but Harvey had also told him to don't care about it. After sitting up for a while though he felt better and had made it on his own two feet to the car, which felt like a great achievement. And how sad was that? That he was happy for making it to the car.
They were waiting for the doctor to get all his journals and files together. He had just gone to the copier to print something out for them.
Mike felt nervous. They were going to find out how his treatment had been going. He didn't know if he was ready to know or not. Right now he would have to say no, the more he thought about it. What if it was bad news? What if they would tell him that it hadn't worked at all and that there was no hope left? What would he do? He wasn't sure he would be able to take that. He glanced over at Harvey. He had his mouth pressed into a thin line and was looking straight forward. Before Mike had the chance to say anything to him the door opened.
"Alright, let's get started then." Dr Lundin said as he sat down in front of them. He looked Mike in the eyes. "How are you doing Mike?" That question again. Always that question. He just shrugged his shoulders, they might just get this over with.
The doctor nodded and Mike tried to read his expression. But this was a man used to deliver bad news so his face didn't give anything away. "I would like to start with going through these images from your MRI Mike. If you would look at these, please."
He placed a few pictures of what was Mike's chest in front of them on the table. He started to explain what they were looking at. Some images was from an early MRI and the others were more recent. He started to point out changes in the white little dots on what was his heart. Mike couldn't really tell any difference between it all. It was white dots everywhere anyway. He pointed it out to the doctor.
"Unfortunately Mike, I'm very sorry to say that you are right. There isn't as much change as we would like to have seen."
"And what does that mean?" Mike asked even if he knew what the answer would be. It wasn't working!
"It means that we need to start looking for other options for you, as a complement your chemo and radiation treatment. "
"So it hasn't been working at all?"
The doctor drew a deep breath. "I don't want to say that it hasn't been working Mike, but it hasn't been for nothing either. The cancer cells hasn't been spreading to this area for instance." He pointed again. Mike just stared at it.
"Just the rest of my heart or what? It has been spreading?"
"Unfortunately yes, but not as much as it could have done without the radiation and chemo. But this is why we want to start looking into other options at this point."
"Like what?"
"I believe that surgery is the next step for us to take." Mike's stomach twisted a bit where he sat.
"Heart surgery?" Harvey hadn't said a word during all this time but now he spoke. Two words at least.
"Yes. We believe that's the best way to go at the moment. Surgery and then more chemo and radiation as a first step."
Mike nodded. He shouldn't be freaked out, they had discussed the option for surgery from the start, but that didn't mean that he felt good about it. More like the opposite.
The doctor started to explain how an operation would be performed, but also said that they wanted to try one more round of chemo to see if it would help at all and then the surgery would happen.
Mike was trying his best to taking it all in, to listen at all. It wasn't really working. It was like his brain was shutting off without his permission. He wanted to go home now. They were going to operate on him, they were going to cut his chest open and mess around with his heart. Cut into it. Without even noticing it his good hand went up to his chest. He had stopped listening by now, given up. He just didn't want to hear anything more about this. Harvey was listening anyway so that was fine.
He wasn't really aware of how long he was sitting there in his own thoughts when he felt Harvey's hand on his shoulder and he looked up. Harvey was looking kindly at him. He looked sad at the same time as he was smiling a bit towards Mike. He was asking if Mike was okay. Mike just shrugged his shoulders a tiny bit. He wasn't okay at all. It was more like he was numb. He was just empty inside at this moment. He didn't know how he should react or do or feel.
"Do you want to head back home?" Harvey was asking and he nodded. When had the doctor left? Mike didn't know. What was he supposed to do? He should have asked things, right? But why had his doctor just left without saying anything, without giving him a chance to ask anything. He asked Harvey.
"Where did he go?"
Harvey looked a bit worried when he answered. "Mike, you weren't responding. He thought it was best to give you some time to process. I can call him right back here if you want, he just stepped out to give us some time."
"Okay."
"So what do you want to do?"
Mike looked at him, and Harvey was patiently waiting while Mike silently panicked for now good reason. "I don't know." He said eventually. Harvey nodded.
"That's okay Mike." Harvey said. "It's a lot. Would you feel better if we just went home? We could just relax for a bit and then maybe you could give your doctor a call. How about that?"
Harvey was so nice to him so he just agreed. He would do whatever Harvey wanted him to do. It was what's right anyway. Harvey knew what to do. Mike was just too messed up at the moment to know himself.
When they got home Mike just laid down on the couch, dragged a blanket over himself and fell asleep. He felt better when he woke up. At least he felt clearer about what had happened this morning. He didn't feel as messed up as he had felt at the hospital. However something new had invaded his mind. He was going to have heart surgery. He realized that he had no idea when it was going to happen.
It turned out that Harvey had been paying a lot more attention and he told Mike everything that he knew. About heart surgeries and success rates, possible complications and risks. Mike wanted to know everything and Harvey told him. They spoke about it for a long time.
"Are you okay?" Harvey asked him when Mike got quiet to contemplate it all. He nodded and swallowed hard. "It's just a lot."
He absentmindedly put his hand over his chest and got off the couch and started to slowly pace nest to the couch. He just needed to move a bit. To think. He was so grateful that he was strong enough to do so today.
They were going to cut him up. Make an 8-inch long incision and then stop his heart and let some machine keep him alive while they performed the surgery to try and remove the parts of his heart that was most infected with the cancer. Just that part alone sounded crazy. The risks sounded scary too. Irregular heartbeats, stroke, neurological damage where just a few of them. How was he supposed to make it out of there alive? His body was already so weak! Harvey had to carry him yesterday for god sakes. What if he made it in there and never got out again? Or what if he had a stroke and became paralyzed? Or what if…
"Hey?" Harvey was suddenly standing right in front of him, blocking his path. Where had he come from? He had to stop to not walk straight into Harvey. He looked into the older man's eyes. Harvey looked sad and worried. Then he did something that totally surprised Mike. He stretched his arms out and wrapped them around Mike's body and then pulled him into a hug. At first he was so surprised that he didn't know what to do. Harvey was hugging him! Was this happening right now? But then he just embraced it and let himself melt into Harvey and rested his head against Harvey's shoulder and brought his own arms up to return the embrace. For a long time they were standing like this.
"It will be okay Mike." Harvey was saying. "You will do fine. We can do this." Mike nodded against him. He was a bit surprised that he didn't start crying. Instead he found himself smiling. Harvey believed that everything would be fine. It was really comforting.
Mike was the one that pulled away first. "Thank you." He said quietly. They awkwardly looked at each other for a moment.
"Sure thing kid. You just zooned out on me again, and I just thought I needed to stop your brain from frying up from all that thinking you were doing."
"My brain wasn't going to… Whatever." Mike muttered.
"Seriously though Mike. You don't need to worry about this yet. It will be a while before it happens. You have another round of chemo before that. Then your body needs to be able to handle it."
Mike nodded silently, he stared at the ground until Harvey lightly punched him on the arm.
"What if it doesn't?" He asked.
"It will." Harvey said. He smiled. "You will make it. You have already been shot and strangled, open heart surgery is just the next step."
"What? Are you serious? You are crazy!" Mike hit him a bit with his cast and smiled himself. Maybe it would be fine after all.
– SUITS –
Today had been exhausting. Harvey felt as if he could sleep for two days straight. He couldn't do that yet though, because Mike was still awake and he was not about to let the kid stay awake by himself. Not today. Not after that damn hospital visit and those news. He had been really worried at the hospital when Mike hadn't answered when the doctor tried to talk to him. The other man had warned Harvey about that Mike's reactions to the news could come later. So far the kid had taken it pretty well. He had just looked so agitated and upset when he was slowly walking back and forth on Harvey's living room floor, so that Harvey felt like he needed to do something drastic. Mike hadn't answered him at all when he tried to talk to him, so he had just stepped in front of the kid and hugged him. It seemed to have worked. Mike was more relaxed after that and didn't zoon out anymore after that. Harvey had expected him to break down crying, but he hadn't. At least not yet. Harvey wouldn't blame him if he did though. After all, he had been told that the treatment hadn't been working. According to Harvey that was devastating news. He himself had gotten a dry mouth and an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach when he heard it.
It wasn't working? Why the hell not? After all Mike had been through with that treatment, all the times he had been sick and miserable. Had it all been for nothing? Not according to the doctor, but he was paid to say things like that.
How were they supposed to deal with this? Harvey didn't know, and apparently Mike didn't either. He should call Donna. She would want to know. She would want to come over then and she would most likely want to talk about it. Harvey wasn't sure that was what Mike needed right now. To talk about it that was.
When he was sure that Mike was asleep he called Donna. Mike had been tossing and turning on the bed for about an hour before he settled down enough to fall asleep. Harvey had just been sitting there next to him, chatting when Mike felt up for it. Mike had smiled at him one time and Harvey had nodded.
Donna was upset of course. She asked a million questions and Harvey was happy that he could answer more than half of them. She promised to come by the next day, which she did.
Harvey noticed a change in Mike after the news of the treatment and the coming heart surgery. He didn't really want to talk about it, and even snapped at Harvey when he brought it up. He didn't apologies after.
Harvey stayed mostly at home for a few days and only went to the office when Donna was there to keep Mike company. He still had to work. He had cases that he needed to take care of. He just couldn't drop everything. It was impossible. Sure he could delay things and reschedule, but sooner or later he needed to take care of things before they piled up too much.
He could tell that Mike didn't approve of him leaving at all, even when he knew that Donna was going to be there. Bringing Mike to work with him was not an option right now. Mike didn't even ask him about it. The kid could walk around by himself now, but spent a lot of time sleeping. He could fall asleep everywhere. Mostly in his bed or on the couch but also at the kitchen table, once while they were eating.
"I was so bored." He would say then and smirk at Harvey, just to in the next minute look close to tears and ask if they could watch a movie. Harvey complied with almost everything Mike asked him. He felt like he owned him that much. It was kind of a big deal that Mike asked him for things too. He hadn't really been doing that before, so it was a big improvement. And Harvey thought that if he said yes, Mike would be more comfortable with asking when he really needed help and not just when he wanted a glass of water for his pills.
The days passed slowly. Mike went to the hospital for a chemo session. Unfortunately he had gone alone. He had insisted that it was fine, and Harvey had gone to his meeting. He didn't feel that good about it but Mike seemed to be okay. He did have a bad night after though. He spiked a fever and refused to use the cover. He had thrown up a few times but had fallen asleep pretty early, enabling Harvey to head to bed himself.
Donna called him early the next day.
"I'm so sorry Harvey, but they insist you take this meeting or they will go against your suggestions." She explained. "I tried to lightly threaten them, but they didn't get it. That secretary is…"
"Donna? When do I have to be there?"
"At eleven thirty, and you need to stay at least for two hours."
Harvey let out a sigh. "I told Mike I was staying home with him today since he was at the hospital alone yesterday."
"Oh, Harvey." He could hear her smiling. "I can make it there by twelve." She offered.
"Yes, thank you Donna." They hang up. Now to the task of telling Mike that he had to leave.
He observed Mike, before he went over to him. He was sure that Mike had a fever by the way his face and eyes looked.
– SUITS –
The clock was almost eleven when Harvey went over to Mike where he was half-lying on the couch watching a TV-show about cartography on the Discovery channel.
"Look Mike, I need to head over to the office for a while." He stopped in front of Mike and watched him closely.
"What? But you said before that you didn't have to go there today!"
"Yeah I know I said that, but now it turns out that I have to."
"Can't you do whatever you have to do there tomorrow?"
"No, I can't Mike."
Mike looked up at him from the couch, trying his best to hide his disappointment. He had thought that he wouldn't have to stay at the condo alone today. He had spent yesterday alone at the hospital since neither Harvey nor Donna had been able to go with him. He had had a bad night, with a lot of throwing up, fever and pain. He had spent about three hours on the bathroom floor. Alone.
He still had a fever, he felt exhausted and sad now and he just didn't want to be alone. He had sort of been looking forward to a day at Harvey's place with the other man. Harvey had told him that since he hadn't been able to go with him to the hospital he would spend the next day with him. And now he was apparently going back on his word.
"But you said that…"
"I know Mike, but it turns out that I have to do this. I will be back in a few hours. You will be fine."
"No I won't!" He exclaimed, because that was what it felt like. "I want you to stay. Can you please stay?" He looked up at Harvey and held his gaze. He saw that Harvey tensed his jaw, and looked away after a few seconds. He sighed.
"Look Mike…" he started and looked into his eyes again. "I already feel bad about this, can you not make it worse? I won't be gone for more than two or three hours. And Donna is going to come and keep you company."
Mike looked away then. Was he making it worse? He was not the one leaving!
"Fine." He said. "I'm going to bed. I'm tired." He sat up and pushed away the blanket that covered him, it fell on the floor and he didn't bother to pick it up as he pushed his way past Harvey towards his bedroom. As soon as he got inside he closed the door behind him and fell down onto the bed. His cheeks were burning and he felt his eyes starting to tear up. Everything was Harvey's fault. He hadn't felt that bad before. He had thought that today was going to be a good day, or at least better, but apparently that was not going to happen. He felt so disappointed.
He was just lying there, waiting. He was going to be alone again! He was alone all the fucking time. He hadn't wanted to ask anything from Harvey, but now when he did say something, asked him to stay, he had said no. He was going to leave, if he hadn't already. He hadn't stayed in the living room to find out.
After a few minutes he heard the slamming of a door in the apartment. He started crying then. At first he tried to keep his sobs quiet and buried his face in the pillows as much as he could. But after a while he didn't care anymore. He just felt so devastated. He felt like nothing was ever going to be all right again. He was going to die anyway! And he was going to die all alone. Harvey wouldn't care. Maybe he would even be relieved that he wouldn't have to take care of him anymore. He wouldn't have to stand there awkwardly as Mike fought not to cry when he said that he was going to work. He would be able to work as much as he pleased, and not have anyone to make things worse for him by wanting him to stay at home. He would be happier.
He felt the harsh sobs he was letting out shaking his whole body. They were loud and embarrassing. But nobody was there to care anyway. Or so he had thought. Suddenly he heard someone calling his name from the doorway. It was Harvey of course! Apparently he hadn't left yet.
"Mike, hey kid. Calm down." He said and Mike heard him stepping closer. Why was he still home? He felt Harvey sitting down on the side of his bed and he tensed. "Mike, come on. Talk to me." He was saying, but Mike couldn't stop crying. He shuffled further away from Harvey, he was almost pressed up against the wall. A minute or so passed, Harvey was still sitting there. Why was he still there?
"I thought you were leaving!" He forced out.
"Yeah, I was." Harvey said, and Mike just lost it. He didn't care anymore to try to quell his crying. He didn't care about anything at the moment.
"Then go!" He yelled. Harvey didn't move. "Leave!" He screamed again, as loud as he could into the pillow. He hit the mattress as hard as he could, wishing it was Harvey. "Leave me alone!" His heart was breaking in so many ways at the moment. But Harvey was still just sitting there. He didn't do anything, he just sat there. He didn't say anything either.
"Le-le-leave…" he stuttered.
"Mike, come on." Harvey was almost whispering. "I'm sorry kid." He said. And that was when Mike felt Harvey's hand land on his shoulder blade. He made an attempt to brush the hand of him, but Harvey just put it back.
"Hey, it's okay. It's okay Mike." His hand started to move in small circles over his back. "It's okay."
"No! It's not! Leave!"
Again Mike tried to move away from him. He didn't want Harvey to touch him, but he had nowhere else to go now, and he didn't think that he had the strength at the moment to move away from the bed. Harvey didn't stop patting his back, and that surprised Mike. He had really thought that Harvey would just get up and leave when Mike told him to, but here they were. He resigned to the situation then and just continued to cry into the pillows. Harvey would probably leave on his own any minute now. If he just kept it up Harvey would feel uncomfortable enough to just leave. Because him just sitting there was just making it worse. If he was going to leave, why would he sit there and prolong the whole thing?
He wanted Harvey to leave. Right? He had yelled for him to do so. But then he reminded himself that the whole reason they were here like this was because he hadn't wanted Harvey to leave at all. He had thought that Harvey had left, but apparently he hadn't. Instead he had walked into the room where Mike was crying his eyes out like a baby, and now he was sitting next to him and patted his back, mumbling that it was okay. It felt nice. He didn't want him to stop. He wanted him to continue forever.
All the crying was making him tired. He didn't want to fall asleep. He absolutely didn't want that. Because then Harvey would most certainly leave. As soon as he thought Mike was asleep he would get up and leave, and Mike would wake up and be alone. He couldn't take that. He had to stay awake, but it was getting harder and harder to do so. He was so drained from all the crying and screaming. It took a lot of effort, but he managed to turn around so that he was on his back. In the corner of his eyes he saw Harvey still sitting next to him. His breathing was almost back to normal now and he blinked hard a couple of times. He then briefly met Harvey's eyes, but looked away. He didn't know what to say now. He said nothing.
"You feeling better?" Harvey suddenly asked. Was he feeling better? Well, probably. He wasn't crying hysterically anymore, that was better. But what if he said yes? Would that mean that Harvey would think it was okay for him to leave? He wasn't okay with that! He couldn't stop his breath from hitching at the thought of it. A few tears escaped and ran down the side of his face. Hmm... He had thought that he had used up all of his tears for today. Apparently not.
"Okay, I'm going to go ahead and take that as a no then." Harvey said quietly. "What's going on here Mike? Can you tell me why you are so upset?"
Mike didn't look at him. He couldn't. He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand and tried calm down.
"Mike?"
"I…I..." He didn't know what to say. What if he said the wrong thing and Harvey got mad at him? But that probably wouldn't matter. He was going to leave anyhow. Suddenly he felt angry again.
"What do you think?" He said accusingly and kicked a bit with his leg.
"I think this has to do with me leaving." Harvey answered, not faced with Mike's outburst.
"And?" He didn't know why he was saying it like that. He really didn't want Harvey to be mad.
"Mike…" Harvey sighed again, and all Mike wanted to do was cry some more. Harvey hated him. But he didn't cry. He said nothing.
"Mike, what do you want?" Harvey all but whispered. What did he want? Was Harvey so stupid that he didn't know that already?
"I don't want you to go." He whispered back.
"Yeah. I'm not, okay?" Harvey said. "I'm not going to go to work Mike."
"Yeah, right."
"I'm not." Harvey insisted.
"You're not?"
"No."
He didn't know if he could believe him. Was he serious? What if he just said that, and then as soon as Mike was asleep he would leave. He turned his head to look at Harvey. He thought that he could read the seriousness in the other man's eyes. Maybe he wasn't going to go after all. But he needed to be sure.
"You're going to stay?" He asked. Harvey had to lean forward to hear him.
"Yes, I am."
"What if I fall asleep?"
"Yeah, it looks like you are about to."
"So what then? You will wait until I do, and then leave?" Mike started to ramble. "And then when I wake up you won't be here. I'll wake up and I'll be alone again. You will have left."
"No Mike, I'm not going to do that to you." Harvey said calmly. He was just sitting there next to him. Could he believe him? He wanted to so badly, he was so tired. He just couldn't relax. He stared up at the ceiling.
"I'm not going anywhere Mike." Harvey said. "I'm getting a chair." He walked over to the desk and pulled up the chair next to the bed.
"You can sleep if you like. Or you can stay awake too, if you want. I'm staying right here."
Apparently Harvey was serious about staying. He just sat there next to him. Harvey smiled at him when Mike was brave enough to glance at him.
"Okay…" He whispered. "I'm sorry Harvey." He had acted so stupid just now, like a child. He really felt like a little kid. Harvey most think so too.
"No problem." Harvey said.
"But I'm…I'm being stupid. I don't know why I do this."
"No, you are not stupid. You just like me so much, you can't stand the thought of being apart."
"Shut up."
Harvey just laughed then, which caused Mike to smile too. At least a little.
– SUITS –
Harvey's heart was still beating hard in his chest. However he really thought that he had made the right decision. Sure he was going to get shit for skipping out on work, but it was worth it. He didn't really know what it was that had made him to turn around and go back to the condo after he left. Maybe it had been the look in Mike's eyes when he had told him that he had to leave for work. Or maybe the fact that he actually had told Mike that he would stay with him today, and now he was breaking his word. He had sworn to himself that he wouldn't do that again.
The thing was that Mike was not that sick at the moment. He could easily look after himself for a few hours, but Harvey thought that it was his emotional state that wasn't what it used to be. Mike just didn't want to be alone. The thought of being left by himself had upset him enough that he had started to cry. Or totally break down.
As soon as he stepped back into the apartment he had heard him. He cursed to himself and made his way over to Mike's closed door. He stopped for a moment outside and listened. Mike really was crying hard. He made no attempt in trying to hide it, like he had done before a few times. He probably thought that he was alone, and therefor didn't have to hide it. He opened the door and went inside. Mike was laying across the bed with his head buried in the pillows. His whole body was shaking from sobs that was loud and hard.
He walked up to the bed and sat down and touched Mike's shoulders. His heart fell as Mike shrugged away from him. For a split second Harvey just sat as frozen with one hand hoovering above Mike's back. But then he thought, screw it, and just put his hand back down on the kid. Mike attempted to get rid of him again, but he wasn't going to let him. He was sure that this was what the kid needed. He needed to show Mike that he wasn't alone. Physical contact was the best option for that.
Mike yelled at him to leave, but he continued. Mike wasn't going to get to win this! He mumbled that it was going to be okay, and Mike didn't agree. Harvey thought that he had a point.
After some time the kid started to relax, as did Harvey. Mike was falling asleep. He could see it on his face. But Harvey was determined to stay where he was. He felt like this was a moment that he needed to prove himself to Mike. The kid looked like he didn't believe him. Mike thought that he was going to wake up alone. Harvey suddenly felt his own eyes burn, and had to shake his head in an attempt to stop himself from tearing up. Poor kid. Mike must feel so lost. Harvey didn't know what he was doing wrong. He thought that Mike was doing alright, but then something like this happens and he gets to see the broken pieces that Mike is trying to hide.
The kid was sleeping now. Harvey was pretty sure of it, because he had been watching him for the last twenty minutes. At least he had managed to draw a smile out of the kid. For a moment things felt fine between them. Normal.
He stayed there with Mike. Just sat there next to him. He thought about doing something else, maybe go and fetch some work or a paper. Something. But he didn't. He just sat there. At least for an hour or so, then his phone rang, and he flew up and out of the room to not wake the kid up. Right, he had forgotten to call and tell them that he wasn't coming to the meeting. He couldn't care less at the moment.
He whispered in the phone and told Donna to cancel everything for today, and told her that she didn't need to come at lunch. She offered to come by with dinner instead and he gladly accepted it. She reminded him that if he cancelled today he really had to go to the meeting next week. He told her to reassure that client that he would show up at that date. Then he went back to Mike. This time with his laptop. He sat down by the desk, Mike would be able to see him there so it was fine.
Mike woke up crying and Harvey didn't know what to do, because what he did wasn't working. It was so frustrating to not be able to help him more.
"Help…" Mike whimpered and Harvey had to leave his computer half into a sentence he was writing.
"I'm here kid." He said as he sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned closer to Mike. "What do you need help with?" Mike just started up at him for a moment and then averted his eyes to stare straight ahead into the wall across. He was clutching the covers close to his chest, but he didn't seem to be in any pain. Harvey couldn't help but follow his gaze even though he knew that it was nothing there.
"Mike, what is it? What can I do?" He just wanted Mike to tell him what to do at this point. But he wasn't that lucky. Mike almost didn't seem aware of that he was there. Harvey felt his sweaty forehead and frowned. It was definitely a fever he had, a pretty high one as well by now. It did explain his reactions. Mike with fever was never good, experience had taught him.
"Help me…please." Mike whispered again, his tone making Harvey feel sick. "Don't…don't…" the kid was mumbling.
"Don't what Mike? Come on, look at me." And he did.
"Don't leave me."
Harvey sadly patted Mike's arm. It was back to that again. Mike was so afraid to be left alone, and in this delirious state he didn't seem to understand that Harvey wasn't going anywhere. Harvey didn't know how to reassure him. He tried anyway. "I wont." He said.
– SUITS –