Chapter 39.
Harvey and Donna had to take a cab to the hospital. Harvey got the opportunity to say the phrase "Follow that ambulance." He could have been without it. He had tried to get in to the ambulance with Mike but had been denied.
"There is no room, we need all the space we can get and no distractions. Please meet us at the hospital instead Sir."
"Harvey, come on. I see a cab." Donna pulled his sleeve and Harvey reluctantly stepped aside as the door of the ambulance were slammed shut in front of him and he couldn't see Mike anymore.
He didn't say a word in the cab. He wasn't really being fair towards Donna, but he hoped he could apologize later. There were other thoughts on his mind at the moment. The way Mike had looked when he was administrated a shock for example. Or the way Mike had just crumbled to the floor. Harvey stared straight ahead out on the road with clenched teeth. He tried not to let the ambulance out of his sight. He didn't want to lose sight of it because somehow it felt like that would be terrible. Mike was in there, and Harvey didn't know what was happening in there. Was Mike still okay? What if his heart stopped again?
Mike had seemed relatively fine after he regained consciousness again after the shock, but what if his heart stopped for a longer period of time and what if it effected him in some way? That would be awful. And what if Mike…
He didn't want to think that thought. He couldn't finish that thought. Harvey was pretty sure that Mike liked him a lot. Mike really wanted his support, Harvey knew that. Right now, in the cab he felt like crap. What if Mike… what if something happened and Mike didn't know that Harvey appreciated him too? That Harvey thought of Mike as his best friend, that he basically would do anything for that kid. He didn't think that Mike knew that. But it was the truth. He didn't know when that had happened, but it was just how things were now.
He had really been threating Mike badly in the past, and he had no idea that he had been doing it. at least most of the time. It had caused Mike to not trust him enough to come to him when he was upset for example. He thought of the time when he had found Mike crying alone in his bed. He hadn't said anything, or gone to Harvey for help, he had just been laying there alone in the dark and had been crying because he felt sad and alone. He didn't want Mike to feel alone. He really had to change that. He had to stop leaving Mike alone. Because, what if he really was dying? He couldn't have Mike feeling alone then. It was unacceptable. Things had to change.
He could have lost Mike today.
"Harvey, we are here." He turned towards Donna. She was looking at him with a worried expression. It took him a moment to understand, because the ambulance were still there in front of them, but then he noticed that it stood still. He went to get his wallet, but Donna put a hand on his arm.
"I have already paid." She said.
"Okay." He nodded and climbed out after her.
Of course they couldn't see Mike and were instead appointed to a waiting area. Harvey and Donna sat down on one of the sofas and started to wait. Donna tried to talk to him, but he didn't feel like talking at the moment.
"He is going to be alright. He is strong. He came back right away." Donna were saying. Harvey just nodded to her, and took her hand in his. She looked a bit surprised for a second but held on tight.
"He is going to be okay. He will probably make a joke about it. Right?"
"Probably."
"Oh god. He will, right?" It sounded like a genuine question this time. "Oh Mike." She whispered.
"He'll be fine Donna." Harvey pulled her towards her in a hug and she started to cry then. Harvey wished he could do the same, but he didn't. Mike was going to be fine.
They waited for another hour without any news. However Jessica and Louis joined them. Harvey saw the two coming towards them and nodded.
"How is he?" Jessica kindly asked. "Is he…"
"We haven't heard anything yet." Donna told them.
"How was he before? Was he conscious at all?" Louis asked.
"Harvey used the defibrillator on him. It gave him one shock and he came back after that."
"Oh god. You had to shock him? Louis just said that Mike's heart stopped."
Harvey wanted to stop listening. He didn't want to listen to when Donna told Louis and Jessica about what happened. He wanted to get out of there! But he did nothing, just sat there and waited while he tried to block out the others. After a while they got quiet too, and the four of them waited in silence for some time before Louis spoke up.
"I can't believe it has come to this." He muttered. "I never thought that he would actually get this sick. Every time I have seen him he has been pretty well."
"You have only seen him on the good days." Harvey said.
"How are the bad days?" Jessica kindly asked.
Harvey paused and swallowed. He didn't want to think about that but answered anyway.
"He feels sick, is in pain, and sleeps a lot and…and he gets emotional." He finished and Jessica nodded.
A doctor came to see them a little while later. They were told that Mike was alive, his heartbeat was stable but weak so they had him sedated for the time being. They thought that Mike had had something called sudden cardiac arrest. Mike's heart had stopped pumping blood, causing his organs to loose oxygen which led to Mike passing out. Without Harvey's actions Mike would have died. Harvey felt numb.
They weren't allowed to see him at the moment and were told that they could go home and come back later. Harvey wanted to scream at the woman. He didn't.
Donna said that she was going to go and freshen up, and Jessica went with her. That left Louis and Harvey alone in the waiting room.
"So, that was good news. It sounded like he is going to be fine."
"How the hell can he be fine, Louis? He has cancer in his heart."
"I just meant…"
"I don't care what the hell you meant. His heart stopped, he is not okay!" he didn't know where this anger suddenly came from, but it felt good to take it out on Louis.
"Harvey… I know what you are feeling right now." Louis tried. Harvey didn't let him.
"Shut up, you don't know shit." With that he stormed away. He needed to clear his head. What he ended up doing was going to the office. He didn't know why. He just didn't want to be around Louis, or other people at all, who tried to be nice and positive about the situation. Mike wasn't fine, it had been so close and he didn't want to hear their attempts of trying to make it sound like it wasn't so bad. That everything was fine now, because it wasn't.
Somehow he found himself in his office. He had closed the door and disconnected Donna's intercom. Harvey was sitting at his desk with his back against the rest of his office. That way he didn't have to see the table where the papers that Mike had been working on was still exactly as the kid had left them. He didn't have to see the blanket that they used to cover Mike's shaking body with after he had been brought back to life again, laying in a heap next to the door.
Instead Harvey was staring out of the window. It was getting dark. Mike didn't like the dark. Mike was at the hospital alone right now. He should really go to him. He should be with Mike and not here.
He sat where he was. They wouldn't let him be with Mike yet anyway. He would go back there soon though. Not just now.
"Harvey?" Donna was there now. He knew that she was standing behind him as he had heard her open his office door but he didn't move.
"I didn't think that you would actually leave. Louis said that you yelled at him and then just stormed off." She paused, probably to see if he would turned around, but he didn't.
"They said that they won't let us see him until later."
"I know. But I thought…" She stopped herself. "Are you okay Harvey?"
"What's make you think I'm not?"
"Oh god. Well, practically everything about this says that you are not."
"Then why did you ask, if you already knew?"
He wasn't being fair to her. He knew he wasn't and he was starting to feel like shit about that too. But he still didn't turn around to face her. He had a feeling that if he saw her, his amazing assistant, he wouldn't be able to keep himself together for much longer.
"Harvey, I know you are upset. I know how much this has effected you. You had to save Mike's life today. But please don't do this."
Her words cut into him. All of them.
"I'm sorry." He said and felt tears starting to rise in his eyes. He clenched his teeth hard together and stared with wide opened eyes out of the window. He could hear Donna stepping closer to him and felt her hand on his shoulder.
"I know you are. I forgive you." She said and silenced. She was just standing there stroking his back and Harvey decided that he could let it go, at least a bit.
"His heart stopped." He said, not knowing why he said it. She had been there, she had seen it too. "He said he felt weird and then he just fell down to the floor without a heartbeat."
"I know."
"What is he dies? What if he actually dies Donna? What if I can't save him again? What do I do then?"
He was crying now. Actual tears were gathering in his eyelashes and when he blinked they escaped and trailed down his cheeks. He felt surprised.
"Oh...Harvey." She continued to stroke his back. It felt nice.
"He is like my little brother. He is my best friend."
"I know."
"I don't want to lose him. I can't." He whispered.
"You won't." Donna whispered. "It's okay Harvey. It's okay. You have to believe that it is going to be okay."
He nodded. "I know. It's just. It just, today…he just fell." He wasn't making much sense, but Donna seemed to understand.
"He did. I don't think I ever been that scared." She said.
"Me neither." He confessed. "Seeing him like that Donna… I never want to see him like that again. I don't want him to die. He can't die."
"We will do everything we can so that he doesn't, Harvey. And so will Mike's doctors and so will Mike."
"Damn right."
"You know how much you means to him right, Harvey? How important you are for him."
Harvey nodded and accepted a tissue Donna produced out of nowhere. "Sometimes I just think that I really screwed it up though. He feels alone even when I'm there. I let him cry himself to sleep because he felt alone."
"Did you know he did that?"
"No, of course not, but I still let it happen."
"Harvey, you know now. You can be there for him now to make sure he doesn't feel alone, to make sure that he knows that we love him and that we are here to help him through this, just like you were today."
Harvey sighed and nodded. He stood up to face her. "Yeah we will. I'll make sure he knows."
They hugged for a second time that day after that and Harvey whispered his thanks as they did.
"Alright. Are you ready to go back there, or would you rather work on that case of yours?"
Harvey just laughed a kind of liberating laugh and they were back at the hospital thirty minutes later. He could do this. He could help Mike get through this no matter how low the odds were and no matter that Mike only had been given a year to live, and no matter that the damn chemo wasn't working. They could beat the odds.
– SUITS –
Mike thought that he was awake. He wasn't sure. It is a strange feeling to not really be sure if you are awake or not. He was pretty sure that his eyes were closed. He attempted to open them, but it didn't work all that well. Wow, he was tired. Was he in pain? Not really. That was a good thing. Sometimes he just got so tired of being in pain. And painkillers sucked. Or they didn't suck, because they cause him to be relatively pain free which was a good thing.
But what was he doing here? Where was here? He was weird. He was thinking weirdly. Why was that? What had happened? He should probably try to find out. He struggled with his eyelids again. They were incredibly hard to open all of a sudden.
"Are you wake? Mike?" Someone said. "Do you think he has some kind of a seizure? Look at his eyelids." The voice continued. What?
"Harvey, stop. He is trying to open them. Aren't you sweetie?"
That was a nicer voice. But who did it belong to? Was it his mum? That be nice, but she was dead he reminded himself. How did he even get that thought into his head? He really had a lot of questions that needed answering by now.
"Hmmm…" He tried to speak, but all that came out was some kind of humming noise.
"Mike? Are you doing okay? We should probably get his doctor in here."
Doctor? Oh, right! He was at the hospital and that was because he was behaving so strangely. He was drugged up, of course. Harvey and Donna was there. They were talking to each other. He wanted to see them!
This time he managed to force his eyes opened and he could see Harvey and Donna sitting beside him. Donna was smiling widely at him like he had done something incredible. He smiled back.
"Hey." He said. It was so nice to see them.
They said hallo back. Harvey looked happy too. He told them.
"You look happy." He stated, causing Harvey to laugh.
"You know what kid? We are."
"Oh." Mike said and tried to think of a reason as to why. What had happened that could make them happy in here?
"Is the cancer gone?" He asked. He certainly would be happy if that was the case. His question wiped away the smiles from both Harvey and Donna's faces and they threw a glance at each other. Apparently that wasn't the case. It made Mike feel a bit sad.
"Unfortunately not Mike." Harvey quietly said.
"O-okay." Mike mumbled. Suddenly he felt like going back to sleep again. It wasn't fun to be awake. He had made Harvey and Donna sad by just asking one question. He closed his eyes.
"No, not so fast Mike. Open your eyes again. We are waiting for your doctor."
Mike didn't want to see a doctor, but he wanted Harvey to like him so he opened his eyes again. He hummed a bit again, mostly because he didn't want to say anything weird to make Donna and Harvey look like that again. Harvey wanted to know how he was feeling and if he was in pain.
"No and no." Mike said.
"Are you feeling no?"
"Harvey, be nice." Donna said. What? Harvey was nice. He was here. That was so nice. He was next to Mike when he woke up, wasn't that nice then he didn't know what was? He needed to tell Harvey that. He flopped out a hand towards his boss. His aim was totally off though, but Harvey helped him out and took his hand in his.
"I think…I think you are nice." Mike told him.
"Well, thank you Mike. See Donna? I am nice."
Donna was smiling again now and said that she was going to go and see where the doctor was. Harvey agreed that it was a good idea for her to do so. Harvey was still holding on to his hand. It was almost like they were shaking hands. Maybe that was what Harvey was waiting for him to do? So he brought Harvey's hand a bit up and then down again. Harvey's hand followed. Mike did it again and again. Harvey just went along with it, but he did look a bit surprised. Mike had to let out a laugh.
"Seriously? You are laughing?" Harvey mumbled like he couldn't believe it.
"Mmmhmm." Mike agreed.
Then the doctor was there and Mike and Harvey had to let go. Even though Mike didn't really want to.
"He is really out of it. Is that normal?" Harvey was asking. Out of what? He was tired, he didn't really care all that much anyway.
"Mike, just answer the questions." Harvey told him then, so he started listening again. He had to answer all kinds of things. Like hundred questions. It was so boring and exhausting to have to concentrate like that. He was pretty sure he got all of them right though. However he wasn't sure that Harvey agreed. Maybe not the doctor either. At least he was told that he could go back to sleep and that the doctor would be back later.
"I think that's a good idea." Mike announced. He really did.
"Yes, please, go to sleep." Harvey said. So Mike did, because Harvey had said please. He didn't do that a lot.
– SUITS –
"What was that?" Harvey exclaimed as soon as he was sure that Mike was sleeping. He had never seen Mike act like that before. It wasn't what he had expected after Mike's latest heart failure. But maybe he shouldn't be surprised, Mike was on more drugs by now that Harvey could count. This was the better alternative than to have Mike wake up in pain. So what if he was a bit confused?
The whole ordeal had been both slightly amusing as the same time devastating. Mike had thought that they were happy when he woke and his brain had come to the conclusion that they must be happy because maybe his cancer was gone, and not that they were happy that he woke up and didn't seem to be brain damaged.
Harvey and Donna got to sit with Mike after he had been moved to another room. It had been a while before he woke up and Mike was not really making much sense when he did. He had told them that they looked happy. Harvey had glanced at Donna and found him to be right, she did look happy. And sure, Harvey was extremely glad to see Mike awake again after moments where his mind had wondered off to thoughts about maybe he had seen Mike awake for the last time today at the office. Those thoughts were hard to avoid after all, since it had being so close to a reality.
Time passed slowly while Mike slept. Nurses came and went, Mike's doctor stopped by and checked his values, all without waking him up. He needed all the rest he could get they were told.
Donna stayed too, and Harvey was grateful towards her. Her presence kept his thoughts in place. They small talked about work, about Louis' latest attempts at dating and about Donna's new neighbor.
Mike was more lucid when he woke up the next time, but at the same time he was in more pain. He blinked tiredly up at them and asked them what happened. He asked them where he was and why he was in pain. He was still confused. Harvey and Donna did their best to calm him down, and it worked well enough.
Harvey thought to himself that it was strange that he could sit there and just wish for Mike to fall back asleep again when he just moments earlier would have given everything for Mike to open his eyes again.
They were going to keep Mike at the hospital for a longer time now. They didn't want to let him leave until they were sure that he was more stable. Whatever that meant. Mike was monitored closely to prevent him from any more complications.
Louis and Jessica came by again this time with Rachel as well. Harvey was in Mike's room with him when they arrived. Donna had met them in the hallway and brought them to the room. Donna carefully knocked the door and stepped inside.
"I found some visitors for Mike." She said. "How is he? How long has he been sleeping?"
Harvey looked up and nodded at the three people in the door way. "He has been sleeping for about an hour. He should wake up soon."
"Do you think he is up for visitors?"
Harvey wasn't sure that Mike was. The last time he was awake he had been in a great deal of pain and confused. He had been reluctant to sleep, and had tried with all he had to stay awake but hadn't been able to for long. But maybe some visitors would cheer him up. Mike needed to know that he wasn't alone, that he had people that were there for him. He waved them inside.
When Louis came into Harvey got up and took his hand. He knew he had been pretty rude towards Louis the last time he had seen him. Louis just nodded and and shook his hand back. Louis didn't seem to mind.
Rachel was pale and it looked like she had been crying. She went up to Mike as soon as she stepped into the room and carefully stroke his hand. Harvey could hear that she was whispering something to him, but couldn't make out the words.
Harvey stood and offered his chair for Jessica and she took it, Donna the other one. They spoke quietly, almost whispering to each other. Harvey told them about how Mike had been when he had been awake, however not detailed. He didn't want to embarrass the kid.
Rachel was the one who noticed first when Mike started to wake up. "Hi Mike." She whispered.
He blinked slowly a few times before his eyes focused on her face. He didn't react other than looking up at her for a moment and swallowing hard. Then his eyes wandered across the room and widened when he noticed all of his visitors. They all waited for how he was going to react.
"Wha…What?" He whispered, barely audible.
"Hey Mike. How are you feeling?" Jessica asked.
Mike's eyes flickered towards her. They could all see him tense and he looked worried. Rachel took his hand in hers and he immediately held on to hers.
"I'm…I'm okay." He was starting to breathe faster and pressed his lips together.
"Are you in pain Mike, sweetie?" Donna asked. Mike just shook his head quickly. His eyes were wide and a bit shiny, and Harvey wasn't sure that he believed that Mike was pain free. He seemed to be uncomfortable with all of them there, and Harvey felt a bit bad. Maybe it wasn't fair to the kid that they all were there when he woke up with low defenses.
"We were worried about you, so we thought we would come and see how you were doing." Rachel told him and moved closer to him. Mike had her hand in a tight grip and nodded a little, not meeting her eyes.
"It's good to see that you are better." Louis added and Jessica agreed.
Donna caught Harvey's eyes with her and he understood what she meant when she nodded a bit towards Mike. The kid was trembling and his lips were moving like he was about to say something but had trouble finding the words.
"Thanks." He said eventually. He looked up and caught Harvey's eyes after a moment. Harvey thought that the best way to describe Mike's expression was fear. Time to act.
"Yeah, it was nice of you to stop by." He said. Louis and Jessica got what he implied and stood up. Not that it was hard to miss when you looked at Mike, he was clearly distressed.
"Yeah, we better go and let you rest." Jessica said.
Rachel patted Mike's hand with her other hand. "I'll come back later." She promised and went to remove her hand.
"Noo…" Mike whispered then and held on tighter. "No, Rachel. I don't… I don't need to rest. You can stay." he swallowed and blinked multiple times. "Please." He added.
"Of course." She said without hesitation. "I'll stay."
"Thanks." Mike rubbed his chest with his casted hand, and Harvey leaned forward and discreetly pushed the button for the nurse. He wasn't going to let Mike be in pain.
Louis, Jessica and Donna left when the nurse arrived and Mike didn't seem to mind. He thanked them for coming. Donna promised that she would be back in an hour, and Mike smiled at that. However he didn't let go of Rachel's hand. Harvey decided to stay. He wasn't going to leave Mike alone any time soon. But he did sit down on the couch over by the window as to not disturb the other two in case they wanted to talk in private. He smiled at Mike when he walked over there as he noticed that Mike followed his movements with his eyes.
The following days passed slowly. Mike became gradually better and wasn't in so much pain, which led the medical personal to lessen his pain medication. Mike was quiet and still. He had been told about what had happened to him and Harvey knew that it had scared the kid. However when Harvey asked him if he wanted to talk about it he declined and claimed that he was fine.
Harvey knew that that wasn't the case. Mike was far from fine. He had almost no energy, but still refused to sleep. It lead him to lay on his bed and listlessly stare up in the ceiling or out the window.
Once a nurse that was tending to Mike asked him if she could sit with him for a moment. Mike had said yes, and the nurse took his hand in hers and proceeded to talk about her favorite TV-show for about an hour. Mike fell asleep like that. It brought Harvey some understanding. Mike was calmer when he held someones hand. It weighed on his heart that Mike still didn't feel like he could as for that. He must know that he felt better when someone was close, however he didn't ask. Harvey would never say no to him.
The first night when Mike was lucid enough to not be forced asleep by medication didn't go so well. Mike refused to go to sleep. That was until Harvey just promptly sat down in the chair next to his bed and took Mike's hand in his.
"You can sleep now. You can relax." Harvey told him. "It's okay. I'm here."
Mike looked defiantly at him. They had been arguing for some time before. Mike was surprised by Harvey's new tactic. But he didn't remove his hand from Harvey's.
"So you think that by holding my hand everything will be just fine?" He asked.
Harvey rolled his eyes. "Fine enough." He answered. "Mike come on. You are tired, I know you are."
"I told you I didn't want to sleep."
"Yes you did, at least five times now. But you didn't tell me why."
"No I didn't."
"Are you going to?"
"No."
"You want to be alone?" Harvey tried, not that he planned on leaving.
Mike hesitated now. "Do you want to leave?" His hand became slack in Harvey's hand.
Harvey just shook his hand. "No." Mike wouldn't look at him now.
"So you are going to stay?" he asked instead.
"I was planning on it."
"Will you keep watch?"
Harvey didn't know over what Mike wanted him to keep watch over, but he said yes anyway. Mike relaxed after that and was asleep about three minutes later after he finally allowed himself to relax.
– SUITS –
Mike was terrified. His heart had stopped. Just like that, in the middle of the office while he was reading through files, his heart had stopped. They had explained all the details to him, but he still wasn't sure it happened right then and there. Apparently it hadn't been anything that triggered it, it just happened. That was terrifying because it meant that it could happen again. It could happen whenever he least expected it. It could happen in his sleep.
He had been told that it was more likely to happen if he did something that caused strain on his heart, like if he were to run or do something physically tiring for his body.
He felt uneasy and scared all the time now. He often found himself pressing a hand over his heart just to be able to feel if something was out of the ordinary. He did it with his hand hidden under the cover as to not be noticed. It was like he was just waiting for something bad to happen.
The worst thing was that he was so tired all the time. But sleeping scared him now. He had been a bit out of it and groggy in the beginning of this hospital stay. Some things he didn't even remember, but Donna had said that he had been quite amusing. That was not good. Now he kind of wished that he was back to being like that. It had been easier. He hadn't thought about that his heart could stop beating at any second and they would have to shock him again.
His chest had been hurting a lot, so they gave him a lot of medication against the pain. It was that medication that made him drowsy.
He had had visitors a few times now. Other people than Harvey and Donna that was. Once Louis, Jessica and Rachel had been there. He had made a foul of himself, he was pretty sure of that. He had been so confused to see them. But Rachel had allowed him to hold on to her and he had felt better then, than he had since he woke up after the sudden cardiac arrest. He had felt grounded and he knew that she would notice if something were to happen to him. She would know right away and would be able to help him.
Sometimes it was like he didn't dare to move. It was like he was frozen in fear. He didn't say anything about that to anyone though and pretended that he was okay. He didn't know if Harvey knew or not. He didn't say anything, at least not about that. Bu the wanted Mike to talk. He didn't feel like doing that though.
People kept telling him that he needed to sleep and he wanted to yell at them. He wanted to break down and cry. He wanted to just scream. He did none of those things. He didn't want to cry, it always made him so tired. And if he talked or argued or cried he would get tired. What if he fell asleep just to never wake up again? What if he didn't wake up again? They didn't think of that at all, did they?
The operation of his heart was a more pressing matter now. Mike along with Harvey and three doctors had discussed it. They wanted to set a date for the operation and would start to prepare him for it as soon as possible. Probably within a couple of weeks it would happen. It scared him a lot. At the same time as he absolutely didn't want to do it he realized that he had too, if he wanted to survive. He didn't want to make those kind of decisions. Decisions that depended on his survival. Harvey had wanted to talk to him about it afterwards, but he had stubbornly refused. Stupid, he knew, but he just couldn't. What was there to say? A lot according to Harvey.
Harvey didn't leave his side now. He was almost always there. Mike didn't say anything, because what if he brought it up and Harvey would somehow realize how long he had been there now and he would have to leave. Mike almost panicked just of the thought. He didn't even know why that was. But Harvey was his constant point of stability now. The fact that he was always there when he woke up from forced sleep helped a lot.
Somehow without Mike needing to tell him, Harvey had figured out that Mike felt better with the whole sleeping thing when he held on to someone. He had offered to hold his hand after a few nights at the hospital, and Mike had a pretty good night then.
When Harvey did have to leave someone else came over to stay with him. Mostly Donna but sometimes Rachel. He didn't want Louis or Jessica to come. He didn't want Louis to use Mike's unstable emotional state against him later, he didn't think Louis would but couldn't be sure.
Mike didn't know how long he would have to stay here now. He didn't feel so good to tell the truth, and his doctors seemed to know that. He tried not to listen when they told him about his values and heartbeats and all of that. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't know why. There were much he didn't know now. Too much sometimes.
His mood went up and down. Mostly he was able to control himself though. But sometimes he just got in such a bad mood that he really wanted to just hit and scream. On those times he was rude to his nurses, told Harvey to shut up or just pretended that he wasn't there at all. Harvey didn't get it at all. Other times he felt like crying his eyes out, and sometimes both. Sometimes it felt like it was just too much.
What he really wished was that it would feel okay for him to have all these feelings. That the mood swings was okay to have, that they wouldn't get angry or disappointed with him if he refused to eat or cooperate for a blood test. As it was now it didn't feel okay. He felt bad and ashamed for his behavior afterwards when he sort of came to his senses. He apologized sometimes to the nurses and they seemed fine with it. He wasn't sure if Harvey was.
He had a lot of time to think now since he spent almost all of his days trapped in a bed with not so much else to do. He didn't want to sleep, out of fear, which he didn't admit to anyone, but suspected that Harvey knew. Sometimes he found himself wishing that his grandmother was still alive and could come and see him. He remembered once when he was a teenager and had been sick and miserable. His grandmother had come and got on the bed with him. He had told her to go since he didn't feel so well, but she had insisted on staying. "I'm tired Michael" she said "I think I need to rest here for a while now." She had ended up staying with him the whole day, and the two of them watched TV. If he only had her now. He could be himself with her. Since he was wishing for things he couldn't help but think of his parents as well, which didn't make him feel any better. He just missed them all.
The whole deal with not sleeping had its consequences. One time it got especially bad. It started with that he had asked his doctor when he would be able to go home. He hadn't really gotten a straight answer instead he had gotten the classic. "When your values are good enough." That answer wasn't good enough. He felt especially bad after that. They had been talking alone while Harvey grabbed some lunch for himself. Mostly Mike felt angry. He didn't really know what he was angry about though, he couldn't blame it on anyone. But he wanted to let it out. So he did with Harvey at the receiving end of it all. It wasn't that he was mad at Harvey, it wasn't his fault, he just happened to be there.
– SUITS –
Harvey didn't really know what was going on in Mike's head at the moment. He was irritated and anxious. It was like he didn't know what he wanted. One moment he was quiet and still on his bed, not asking for anything and not really wanting to talk, and then in the next he was being loud and demanded that he wanted to go home, or that things wasn't fair. He had a point, but Harvey had tried to talk to him for a while now. Mike kept repeating the same stuff and somehow it was like he wanted to get mad.
"I mean, I've been here for days now and they are not doing anything at all. I'm just laying here while they test shit which they won't tell me about. I might as well do the same at home." Mike argued after a nurse told him that he had another test coming up within the next two hours.
Harvey just agreed with him for now, but Mike didn't seem to like that either.
"It's not fair! I hate this!" Mike pulled at the wires that was connected to the heart monitor.
"Hey, leave that alone. That's not helping anything is it?"
"You're right! It's not helping at all. Nothing is, is there? And now they just want me to wait here like a good boy, wait until they are ready to cut me open."
"Mike, calm down will you. You are getting yourself worked up." Harvey tried, not really feeling up for dealing with Mike like this at the moment. Staying at the hospital all this time were taking a toll on him, more than he liked to admit.
"Stop telling me to do that! That's all you do, tell me to calm down. You just sit there and tell me what to do like you know best. But you know what Harvey? You don't!" Mike kept going.
"Yeah, well neither do you at this point, Mike."
"Shut up, just shut the hell up." Mike said angrily. Something flared up in Harvey then. He wanted to get mad and yell back at the kid, but knew he couldn't. It wasn't Mike's fault, but still he didn't appreciate it at all to be talked to like that. A doctor had mentioned that mood swings were common. And Harvey could understand the frustration that Mike must be feeling at his situation.
"You know what Mike. "Harvey calmly said, kind of proud of his tone. "I think you need a moment alone to cool down. I'll just come back later." He started to walk towards the door, but was stopped by Mike.
"Yeah, just leave! I know you want to. It's not like you want to be here. I bet you hate it here." Mike screamed after him. Harvey looked at him in surprise, he had never seen Mike like this. Gone was the weak kid with pale cheeks from only minutes earlier and he was replaced by this version of Mike that Harvey didn't know even existed inside the first version. Mike wasn't done.
"I don't want you here anyway! I wish it wasn't you here. I wish it was my parents. It should be them, not you. I want them here. I want my own dad. Not you! You are not my dad!"
Mike stopped screaming here. It was like he had surprised himself with his outburst, like his brain hadn't been in control of what came out of his mouth instead it was his heart who decide. Mike looked shocked and a bit confused. It all changed now with his last words. His red face started to pale. He tried to control his breathing but he was panting. He almost looked scared, eyes wide. Harvey felt like he couldn't move when Mike spoke again and then met his eyes.
"I wish you were." He whispered and tears immediately flooded Mike's eyes. "I wish you were." He met Harvey's eyes. Harvey was a bit taken back at this totally unexpected turn and he just stood there frozen in place. He hadn't expected this.
"You're mad now right? If you were, I could talk to you like that, but you would still…" Mike stopped. He looked down and closed his eyes. His arms came up towards his chest and he hugged them close to him, as if seeking comfort from himself.
"Mike…" Harvey started, unsure on how to proceed.
"I'm so sorry." Mike whispered.
"I'm not mad." Harvey said. He paused for a moment and then slowly walked over sat down next to Mike again. He weighed his words thoughtfully and found that he meant every word. "You know what? Sometimes I think it's like I am."
"Am what? Like my dad?"
"Yeah…Sure."
"I pretend you are sometimes." Mike said quietly then, looking down at his lap. "It would just be so much easier. I wouldn't have to think…"
He didn't finish the sentence so Harvey didn't find out what Mike wouldn't have to think. He could guess though. With a parent Mike wouldn't have to care about how he acted, because they would love him and care for him anyway. But Harvey wasn't Mike's father, he was his boss and that made Mike think that he needed to somehow restrain himself and hold back on what he was truly thinking and feeling. The thought of that Mike pretending in his head that Harvey was his father was truly something special. It stirred something in Harvey that he hadn't known was there inside of him. Everything about Mike had woken something inside him ever since he met him. Now it was of course stronger than ever. He and Mike had grown very close, especially over the last few months since the cancer. And now Mike confessed that he wished they shared an even stronger bond. Harvey found that he didn't mind, not at all. He felt protective of Mike, hell he'd do anything for him. Kind of like a father.
"That's okay Mike." He said. "You can. If you want you can think of me in that way. I don't mind."
Mike dared to smile hesitantly against him.
"In fact," Harvey continued "It would probably be easier if you did."
"Yeah?" Mike whispered.
"Sure." They were quiet for some time.
"Thank you Harvey. I know it's weird. I know how it sounds. Oh…" Mike sighed. "I'm so messed up!" He exclaimed. "This makes me so messed up." He made a vague gesture towards the machines. "My emotions are all over the place, it feels like I can't control them. I feel all broken sometimes, like I don't know how to be me anymore." He wiped his eyes.
"You are still you."
"Yeah, I know but I also know how I'm acting. Like just now. I'm not even sure why I did it, why I yelled at you. I was just mad and I took it out on you. Even when you are the only person who is there for me."
"It's fine Mike, I get it. You have to yell some to not go crazy. I know I would."
Mike coughed a bit straight out and nodded. "I guess. But I'm still sorry." He said and started to lay down.
"Can you stay here?" He asked.
"Sure."
Mike pulled the cover over himself and turned on his side to face Harvey. "Thank you Harvey. Thank you for everything. For putting up with me. I don't get why you do it sometimes. Especially when I behave like this."
Harvey just shook his head and then offered out his hand for Mike to hold on to. He took it without hesitating. "I thought you knew by now. You're my guy Mike."
– SUITS –
Thanks to everyone who still reads this story, and thank you for all the reviews. This was a long chapter for you. So what do you think?