A Few Good Personalities
By Spectra16 (Who is embarrassed to say she wrote this abomination)
Summary: Artemis gets hit on the head, and due to some serious probability shifting, he loses his memory and acquires several personalities, some at the same time. ONE SHOT.
A/N: I suddenly had this idea while watching "The Cycling Tour", which is an episode from Monty Python's Flying Circus. This was not composed in the lunch line, due to the fact that school is over, and I no longer visit the lunch line when I go to eat my midday meal.
Disclaimer: I'm not receiving any money for this, nor am I getting any good publicity. Sue me, and you sue the children of the revolution! I don't own Artemis Fowl or the many homages to several different things. In this chapter, Dr. Who, Star Trek and Harry Potter.
WARNING: This should've been obvious, but Artemis will be acting WAY out of character. Just making sure everyone knows. I know many people who think out-of-character characters (and swearing) is neither funny nor creative. And I totally agree with them. . . Sorta. (wink)
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Chapter One: Amnesia, the Easy Way For A Writer To Make Excuses and Plots
Butler saw this coming three months before it happened. The stress building up in his mind forced him to get sloppy. His eyes were getting more blood shot everyday. And somehow, he could do nothing to prevent it. After all, he had been paid for this kind of thing. But we all slip up at one point or another, especially since we're human.
Mulch had been playing with a rubber ball that was slightly bigger than his own hand. It was a nice blue color, semi indigo. It was the most technically advanced bouncy ball that man would ever see, created by fairies and magical folk. Mulch had knicked it off a poor kid in the Stonehenge Pizza Parlor. It had been a quick swipe of the object, and the child apparently figured he'd bounced It under a couch or some sort of difficult place to reach (like behind a refrigerator or submersed volcanic ash). Mulch had been carelessly throwing it at the wall next to Artemis, whom was sitting doing his homework quickly. It seemed that St. Bartleby's was getting in the way of his adventures, and interfering with his education. "I never let my schooling interfere with my education," Said Mark Twain anyway.
Artemis was not fazed by the rhythmical BUMP that the rubber ball made on the wall. In fact, it was helping him keep a steady pace at his work. But Mulch, too, had been losing concentration. Not only that, but his rational thought was fleeting as well. He thought to himself, it would be hilarious if I hit Artemis in the head with this.
Butler knew Mulch would pull some sort of silly trick like this. Just as Butler looked up at his Principal and Mulch, he could see Mulch smirking, and the rubber ball seemed to go in slow motion as it was heading directly towards Artemis' head. Butler, also in slow motion, threw his Guns and Ammo magazine across the room and stormed at the ball, as if he could catch it in the air, and protect Artemis again. Gravity, one hell of a bitch might I add, had other plans. The only person she seemed to befriend was the one man who understood her, Issac Newton. Honestly, he was never hit on the head by an apple (which Gravity would probably find funny), but he did get the idea from a falling apple. Promptly after he wrote his discoveries down (about Gravity and everything), he stuffed the documents under his bed for 30 years, and in the meantime, worked on a sort of satanic alchemy, which really wasn't satanic at all. It's just that Christians didn't want people to blow themselves up for the name of Science. Science was friends with Gravity, but they got in a fight about something rather pithy (like a boyfriend of some sort) and now they refuse to talk to each other. Physics wanted to help, but they told him that he didn't know anything about girly matters.
Anyhow, Butler was close to catching the ball as it hit Artemis in the head. Right as the impact happened, time sped up again, faster than usual, since it had to keep up with itself. Gravity shook her head. Butler flew into Artemis, who had already lost consciousness from the ball. Artemis, albeit pale and gangly (sorry fan girls!), was obviously not one for pain or physical activities. A rubber ball hit him so finely that he lost consciousness and memory of his life. Butler apologized to Artemis, and then realized that he was out cold. Mulch stifled his giggle, now seeing that Artemis had his face planted into the wooden desk. Butler gave Mulch a death glare and carried Artemis to the front room by Angeline and Artemis Senior. Mulch would've followed, but exposure to more Muggles-err. . . Mudmen would be unhealthy at this point. Of course, Angeline had seen Mulch before and was now excepting of this "little person" that Artemis hid in his room. Angeline definitely left it at that. Artemis figured his father wouldn't be so understanding.
"What's happened to Arty?" Angeline asked air-headedly. Artemis Senior didn't bother to turn around. He was busy writing enormous checks (consisting mostly of his son's money) to local churches and dog pounds. Something about a little puppy made Artemis Senior go weak in the knees, or rather, knee. I only joke because he likes to joke about it himself. One time, a man at the supermarket annoyed him so (he was buying banana-based products) that he pulled off his prosthetic leg and beat the man with it.
"Mr. Diggums hit him with a ball. He'll come to in a moment. He needs water," Butler set Artemis on the couch and walked quickly to the kitchen to get Artemis a glass of tap water. If Artemis was awake, he'd refuse the tap water and want a bottle of spring water. Puff. But this was necessary.
Butler fed Artemis some water, and slowly, dizzily, Artemis' eyes fluttered open. He licked his lips and seemed to be thinking.
"Ew! Tap water!" Artemis complained. Butler looked around, seeing that Angeline had just caught on fire and wasn't paying attention. He swiftly punched Artemis in the head, and he was out again. Butler grimaced and waited for Artemis to become conscious again. Angeline stomped out the fire on her dress and pushed the hair out of her face. She sighed and walked over to her husband.
"What was I doing before I caught on fire?" She asked her husband.
"Mhhm," He grunted, stilling writing. She bit her lip and walked back to her son.
"Butler, is he going to be okay? She would call in the doctor?" Angeline offered. Butler shook his head.
"No. He'll be fine."
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Artemis opened his eyes to see a large, bald man hovering over him, too close for comfort. It was like a bad Butler/Artemis ship fic. He sat up quickly and looked around the room. The words that came out of his mouth were strange, and foreign to this fandom.
"Where's Tardis?" He asked. His mother, whom was standing behind Butler, had her hand over her mouth, still shocked that he came too.
"What?" She squeaked.
"Rose? Rose! Where am I? What planet is this?" Artemis searched the room for any clues at all. Was he on "Andromeda 7"? Could this be "Fishsticks, the Planet"? It looked similar to "Earth", such a dull, meaty place. And Tardis? What would be do without the Tardis? He'd never been separated from it as he woke. And more importantly, were there Daleks on this planet! DALEKS!
Artemis pointed at a coffee table.
"Is that a Dalek?" He asked, still hazy. Angeline quirked an eyebrow. Butler breathed in deeply. Artemis Senior was busy talking on the phone with his good friend, Sirius Black. Sure, they had some good drinking parties but they never did golf much, and so they were setting up a play date. Artemis, when he had his memories, was jealous that his father never had time for him, but had time for silly things like Sirius Black, 'Earth, Wind and Fire' and the Union.
"Artemis, do you remember me? It's Butler," Butler shook Artemis' shoulders. Artemis winced.
"Rose?" He asked, confused, wondering if Rose had given up and become a hulky man. Butler shuddered.
"No. BUTLER. . ." Butler paused. "What is your name?" He found it difficult not to call Artemis . . . Artemis.
"I'm the doctor," Artemis said confidently. Angeline started crying. Butler was shocked. Mulch chewed on a piece of carpet. Artemis Senior was busy laughing with Sirius about Star Trek.
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A/N: Hope you all enjoyed that randomness! It goes on forever! It's not just Dr. Who! He becomes other people in pop culture and gets totally NOT ARTEMIS! Please review! I usually always reply to a good review, or just to say thanks. Tell me what you think. Tell me who you think Artemis should act like! I'm open to inturp! Peace.