CHAPTER TWELVE: The Sixth Tuesday, We Talk About Emotions

It had been a week since I had last seen House at the funeral. He had rushed off, despite his leg basically breaking while he ran. I never got the chance to tell him what I wanted to. I tried calling but he never answered. So the next Tuesday, I thought it was a perfect time to go see him.

I wasn't really sure if the Tuesday meetings were still on, and I knew that House probably didn't want to talk to me, or anyone, but I still found myself at his house the next week, ringing the doorbell like nothing had changed.

When I walked into his room, he sat watching General Hospital. He looked better, but I knew he really wasn't.

"Um, hi, House," I said as I walked in. He looked up from the TV and motioned to the table, where I took my seat. Five minutes went by before House turned the set off and joined me.

We were silent for a while before I said quietly, "It wasn't your fault, you know."

House looked at me with mock confusion. "What wasn't my fault? The stock dropping today? The starvation in Africa? Or the fact that you happened to show up when I was only half way through General Hospital?"

I was getting frustrated already. "You know what I'm talking about."

House sighed. "I don't want to talk about it. After all, this is a Tuesday, a day for intellectual discussions, not a day for unwanted therapy."

"We could have an intellectual discussion about it. We could talk about guilt, sadness…" I offered.

"I don't feel guilty," House said. "I don't feel sad either."

I quickly responded, "What? You must feel something."

"Nope, nothing,"

"Just last week you said you felt…"

House sang mockingly, "I wonder where all the guilt went, when I brushed my teeth with Pepsodent!"

I sighed in irritation. "Come on, House. How can you joke about something like this? I know you feel very strongly about what happened, just talk about it. That's what you've taught me to do!"

House lowered his eyes. "I really don't feel anything, Chase. I'm numb now. I was overwhelmed with remorse and guilt and despondency, but then I thought "Why put myself through all these emotions, when I can choose to just not care?"

I was appalled at this statement. "House, how can you say that?"

"I just part my lips and words come out. It's an amazing thing, the ability to speak," House said sarcastically.

'Why do I bother?' I thought to myself. "So your plan is just to live a life of numbness? No emotions?"

"That's the plan," House replied casually.

"But House, where would we be without emotions?" I asked, still astounded.

House said, "I don't know where we'd be, but I know what we'd be. A lot happier."
I counter-argued, "But happy is an emotion, don't you get that?" House didn't say anything. I continued, "You think that you can be happy if you don't care about anything? You think that you can just ignore all the pain and sorrow of the world?"

"I'm going to try," House said softly.

"But House," I persisted, trying to knock some sense into him. "Remember our first Tuesday together? You told me that not all of the world is pain."

After a beat, House replied, "Everybody lies."