A Few Good Personalities

By Spectra16 (Get Agrippa or Get Out)

A/N: Excuse me. But I'm ecstatic. Is it weird to be happy? I mean, seriously, we've got scene kids and emo boys left and right, but where's the happy kids at? Are we allowed to be happy? Should we take everything so seriously? Anyways, I'm finally going to a cool concert (first time ever). Harry and the Potters are coming to Madison's University Book Store. I love them. All I have to do is wait two weeks. MEH.

Disclaimer: Do I own Artemis Fowl? No. I think some guy named Eoin Colfer does, but I could be mistaken. Colfer could've gotten really drunk one night and ended up in an alley way, and accidentally given rights to his book to some old homeless guy. Who wants to go live in Ireland with me? I hear you don't have to pay taxes on your books that you publish. That sounds pretty posh. The scenery kicks ass too. America blows.

Disclaimer 2: I also do not own anything else that is not of my own fabrication. This could range from things like blunt British comedy, Artemis Fowl and the Ivory Files (written Nyghtvision, the epiphany of everything I stand for) and silly internet inside jokes.

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Chapter Two: Shameless Reference To Monty Python and Stating the Obvious

The private house-call doctor grimaced. He pulled the stethescope from Artemis' back and stood up. His name was Bullet McFearson, by night. People usually knew him as Dr. Drip, the witch doctor. He was a private doctor who served mostly old folks and Mafia dons. He carried a little black bag that troubled him so. On most days, the bag zipper would get stuck, and he'd stomp on it, cuss at it, and then end up shooting it in order to get the damn thing open. This was not one of those days.

"The problem seems to be that this boy has lost his memory and his mind has resorted to assuming personalities," The doctor stated. Butler looked at him blankly, as if expecting him to say something more useful. After waiting a few awkward moments, Butler spoke.

"What should we do about it?" He asked. The doctor shrugged.

"Nothing. He will fix this on his own. Something completely stupid will probably bring his memories back. In most cases, when Artemis Fowl loses his memory, the love of Holly Short or a shameless, idiot Mary Sue will bring him back to reality. In this case, there will be no whorish Mary Sue and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't know who Holly Short is, so thus, he'll have to find anything way into the deep recesses of himself. Good day," Dr. Drip grabbed his wretched bag and left hastily, but not before pointing his gun at Angeline and demanding more money that he should've gotten. Artemis looked up at Butler.

"That was a doctor," Artemis stated. Butler nodded.

"Yes, Artemis."

"IS HE GONNA BE OKAY!" Juliet popped out of a bush and screamed. Mulch glared at the teenager who had practiced her "dance" moves on him. When I say dance, I mean more along the lines of dangerous, unrehearsed, concussive wrestling moves.

"Yes, Juliet. Please keep your tone down," Butler said calmly.

"She's loud," Artemis stated. Butler nodded.

"Yes, Artemis."

"Thank you Captain Obvious!" Juliet threw her arms up and walked to her room to AIM her friend from fan fiction, whom was helping her write a LOTR slash fiction.

"My super power is that I state the obvious," Artemis stated. Butler got it now. Artemis was impersonating Captain Obvious now. Since the doctor arrived, Artemis had managed to recite lines from Dr. Who, Star Wars, Ender's Game, and decided to impersonate shameless stereotypes (I.e. Valley girls, preps, and smokers).

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Artemis Senior was busy redecorating the house. He starred at a painting above his favorite couch. He starred at it for a long time, trying to figure it out. He wondered if the couch matched it, if the wallpaper matched the painting, if the painting enjoyed being in such a conspicuous place. Frankly, this is what the painting was thinking. . .

I feel like canned fruit.

Artemis Senior did not have the creativity to fathom the thoughts of a painting. He starred at it for a few moments longer, and then decided to keep the painting there.

The painting was an Impressionist looking picture of a can of fruit.

Artemis Junior looked at the painting and admired it to a strange degree. He then sat down silently, and didn't speak for several hours.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Butler was starting to get VERY worried. Young master Fowl hadn't spoken for almost four hours, and he was starring off into space. Butler couldn't figure it out. He wondered if he should get the doctor, but perhaps this was another personality Artemis was putting up. Butler looked around. Artemis was barely breathing. If it was Artemis' choice, he wouldn't be breathing, since the thing he impersonated didn't. But he couldn't make that judgment call because inferior creatures such as human beings had to breathe. This made Artemis sad.

"Artemis, talk to me!" Butler shook the boy. Artemis tried not to sway to the movement, but being shaken by a man that could just as easily killed Steve Reeves.

"Artemis, at least tell me that you're impersonating something," Butler pleeded. Artemis finally broke from his trance.

"I'm canned fruit."

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A/N: That's a first in AF fandom! Artemis says in all seriousness, "I'm canned fruit." Do I get an award or something? Meh. Hey everyone, I hate to self promote, but if you're interested in AF/HP crossovers, I wrote one! It's called A Dreadfully Convenient Crossover and the Prisoner of the Arctic Incident. It's finished! And I'm working on the next installment. Not only that but Elbereth in April has some AWESOME AF/HP crossovers. I'm not a big fan of Blood To Gold, but her The Family Name series is fantastic! I didn't like Times of Retrospect by potterfowlboy. Ick. No offense potterfowlboy! I read For Want of Magic by Qaddafi the Ripper, and that was pretty good. Artemis Fowl: The Eye of the Basilisk (written by EvilExpressions) was pretty good too. There you go! Go read and be merry!

Also, I make some pretty mediocre live journal icons (I don't have a live journal, but I collect the avatars!), so if any of you want to see them, go to photobucket DOT COM and search for my penname, Spectra16! Tell me what you guys think! Love! I make avatars as thanks to my reviewers.