CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: The Tenth Tuesday, We Talk About Marriage

House took a long sip of hot chocolate. He and I were sitting in front of a glowing, warm fire as it snowed heavily outside. Bundled up in several blankets, I sat and, with trembling hands, brought my own cup to my lips.

"Ah, that's delightful, isn't it?" I said. House nodded, his eyes unreadable and ethereal.

"House?"

"Yeah?" House said, snapping out of his daze. "Sorry. I was just thinking."

I chuckled. "What else is new?"

"You know, this would be a lot more romantic with a girl. Sitting in front of a fire on the coldest day of the year," House commented. "But I couldn't find one, so you are the closest thing."

I rolled my eyes, but my smile never left my face. "Yeah, I know. Christmas is such a romantic time. I remember my first Christmas being married to Alison. We got married December 8th, actually, so my favorite holiday was right around the corner. We were just getting adjusted to married life, but it didn't take long for us. And then Christmas came. We were so joyous, I recall, laughing and exchanging gifts during the day, snuggling by the fire at night."

House looked over at me with a glint of happiness in his eyes. He saw the same glint in mine for once. "You seemed really happy together."

"We were," I sighed. "But things always change. I wanted to move back to Princeton, she didn't. I wanted children, she didn't. And so many other things. Marriages never really work out in this day and age, do they?"
House shrugged. "I don't know. The only woman I ever loved was Stacy Warner, remember her?" I nodded. "Well, I truly thought that it would be an everlasting love, but look at me now. She left me about thirty years ago, and I still haven't moved on. I guess I never will."
"Do you believe in soulmates?" I asked. "Do you think there is just one single person you are meant to be with and all the others are just…?"
"I don't know, Chase," House answered quietly. I waited for an elaborated response, but I didn't get one for several minutes until House continued, "I hope not, anyway. If Stacy was the only woman I was meant to be with, then I am going to die alone. If she wasn't the one I was meant to be with, I could never know that and I wouldn't look further. So, either way, I would die alone."

"So, what you're saying is, there's no way to know if someone is or was your soulmate, but you can't spend your life looking for one either, because you'll never know?"

"Exactly."
I said, "Well, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life thinking Alison was my soulmate and there is no one else. I think there is always someone else for everybody. Maybe they are not your soulmate, maybe they are, but you'll never be happy if you just stop looking."

House looked over at me but said nothing.

"I mean," I continued. "I'd rather spend the rest of my life married to a woman I love, not ever knowing if she's my soulmate or not, than being limited to knowing who my soulmate is, but never being able to have her."

"I despise uncertainty," was House's only reply.

"And you also despise loneliness," I acknowledged. "You'll have to be able to live with one of them, House. You can't be absolutely certain about everything in life. And you can't be certain about everything in love either. That wouldn't be love. Love is supposed to be exciting, new, and it couldn't be that way if you were sure of everything about it."

House responded, "I just don't want to get hurt again."

I nodded understandingly. "Neither do I."

"But I guess you have to choose, right? Your risks and whether it's worth it?" House questioned.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Easier said than done, though," House remarked, taking another long sip from his hot chocolate. House and I were silent as we watched the tangerine flames dance before us. Soon, I said I had to leave.

As I walked out the door, I saw Trinity cleaning the house. My heart beat faster. "Trinity?"

Trinity turned around, her long, flowing blonde hair bouncing off her shoulders flawlessly. Her bright eyes were excited under her thick, long lashes. My palms were getting sweaty. I wanted to ask her out more than anything. I had wanted to since the day I saw her, but I had always been too afraid of getting hurt like I did so many times before.

"Yes?" she asked.
I hesitated. "Um…nothing. Nevermind." I left shortly after.

I'd always been too afraid, and this time was no different. I cursed myself for being such a coward. I beat myself up for being such a hypocrite. Telling House to take a chance in love when I didn't even have the valor to. Thinking back on all the times I was too afraid, I only felt better when listening to the voice in my head tell me repeatedly, 'There's always next time.' I just hoped the voice was right.