CHAPTER TWENTY: The Twelfth Tuesday, We Talk About Forgiveness

House and I were strolling around the neighborhood leisurely, talking of course as we always did. Winter was beginning to pass, and it was quite noticeable in Princeton. The snow was melting, yet there were still glimpses of pearl among the waterfall of colors that surrounded the town. Spring blossoms were blooming with more radiance than I had ever seen. I picked up a luminescent yellow daisy.

House noticed this and said, "Oh, how cute. She loves me, she loves me not."

I sighed, my spirit quickly diminishing. "I have no one to love." I threw the daisy to the ground.

House rolled his eyes. "Chase, you get depressed way too easily."

I shrugged, not feeling like once again facing my depression.

"You know what your problem is?"

"You?" I snapped.

"I'd watch what you say, Australian Beauty. I have a cane, and I'm not afraid to use it," House replied. "But really, your problems are rooted from your self-loathing and from your misgivings about your fellow man."

Putting my hands to my head in frustration, I said, "House, I have a headache."

"Now you know how I feel when I talk to you. Pleasant, isn't it?"

I put my hands down and shoved them in the pockets of my jacket. "Okay, so my self-loathing and misgivings about my fellow man? What's that supposed to mean?"

House looked over at me. "What do you think it means? You hate yourself and your hate everyone around you."

"That is so not true!"

"Oh, I guess it's just a rumor then. Probably Beth spread it. She is SUCH a gossip!" House exclaimed in response. "Face it, Chase. You hate yourself."

"No, I…well, why shouldn't I?"

"Why should you, is what I'm still trying to figure out. Sure, you're effeminate, a wuss, a backstabber, a pretty, rich boy, someone who gets everything he wants from money, a slacker, a divorcee, a user, an idiot, a…"

"That's enough!" I screamed.

House was taken aback. "Finally, Chase, show some pride. You let me call you like ten horrible things and took it all. Do you really believe those things about yourself?"
I nodded sadly. "It was all true."

House stopped in his tracks and faced me, anger in his eyes. "No, it wasn't! None of it was true. Listen to me, Chase, and listen well. You are a good person. You are kind, compassionate, an exceptional doctor, caring, funny, introspective, brave, hard-working, and you put up with me for so many years and continue to do so! And you still hate yourself?"

"House, thank you, but I…just don't see myself they way you do."

"You have to forgive yourself, Chase. I don't know what happened to you to make you abhor yourself they way you do, but something's gotta give," House said. "I have an idea. Why don't you write down everything you don't like about yourself, then write down everything good about yourself. Look at the first list, make better what you can, and things that you can't control, let go of. Forgive yourself. It can only lead to destruction if you hold onto your mistakes. Everyone makes them, Chase. Even me. I know that's about as hard to believe as anything, but it's true."

I nodded.

"And Chase? Forgive those around you. No one's perfect, and people will disappoint you again and again, but you have to forgive."

"I will try, House. If you will."

House sighed. "That's a different story, Chase."

"Why? You said it yourself, everyone makes mistakes. You're not perfect, no one is. Why can't you forgive yourself and others?"

"Because if I made a list of my bad and good qualities, I'd see about fifty bad and five good. And because…well, if you can't forgive yourself, there's no way you can forgive the world."