CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: The Last Time I Saw Her Face

I had been thinking a lot about what House and I had discussed the last Tuesday. Forgiveness. I wasn't sure if I could ever love or forgive myself, but I wanted to try and forgive those I was resentful of. Although House thought that if you didn't forgive yourself, you couldn't forgive anyone else, I had a different view. How could you forgive yourself if you're still holding onto anger and regret provoked by others? It didn't seem possible in my mind. So I decided to put my anger to rest. Starting with the person who angered me most.

I knew she still lived there. It was her favorite place in the world, and I knew she would never leave. I drove a while to Newark, anxious but never turning back. It had to be done. I had to make peace with her, or I would never move on with my life.

The house was as beautiful as I remembered. Cobblestones lined the pathway to the house, which radiated warmth and light. I remembered a time when the lights were the only things to keep me company on my late nights on the couch. I saw a little swing on the front porch. It took me back to the times Alison and I would snuggle up and look at the stars outside. But it also reminded me of how lonely the stars looked when I swung alone.

Nothing had changed about the appearance of our domicile. Maybe she hadn't moved on either. Maybe there was still a chance we could work things out.

I walked up to the door and rang the bell. Almost immediately, someone answered. A little girl, with beautiful, curly blonde hair and big, green eyes. I guess Alison had definitely moved on. The girl looked up at me with a sweet smile on her face. "Hi," she piped.

My voice was cracked. "H-hi. Is your mommy home?" Calling Alison a mommy made me want to run home and cry.

She nodded. "Mommy! There's a man at the door for you!" She ran up to Alison, who was fast approaching. "He's from England!" she exclaimed excitedly. Alison patted her head affectionately as she walked to the door.

Alison looked up at me and stopped in her tracks. "Robert…"

"Alison."

Before saying anything else, Alison looked down at her daughter and said, "Kaelise, can you help your brother in the kitchen while I talk to my old friend?"

"Sure, Mommy," Kaelise chirped as she scurried off.

After a moment of staring at me, Alison said, "Um, would you like to come in?"

I nodded as she led me in. "Kaelise is beautiful," I commented.

"Thank you."

"She almost looks like she could be our kid. My hair and your eyes."

Alison sighed. "Well, she's not, Robert."

"I know," I said. There was an awkward silence. God, I hated those. "Alison, I know you're probably wondering why I came."

"Yes, I was."

"Well, it's just…" I didn't know how to explain it. "I've been trying to be a better person, and I realized that to do that, I have to put my past behind me. And you are a big part of who I was before, so…"

Alison responded, "I understand, Robert. I have been doing the same thing for years. Trying to get over you."

"I suppose you have accomplished that already."

"It seems so," she said. "Well, would you like to stay for dinner?"

I wanted to tell her the honest truth: No, I don't want to meet my replacement and the children that should've been mine. No, I don't want to stay through an endless meal and 'catch up.' But instead, I answered, "Yes, that'd be nice."

Alison smiled and walked into the kitchen, from where I heard laughter and blissful conversation. "Everyone, there's someone here I'd like you to meet."

Her family all came out into the family room. "This is Robert Chase, my old friend."

Friend. I hated being called that. I smiled at her family. "Pleasure to meet you all."

Alison's husband, a tall, blonde athletic-type, asked Alison quietly, "Robert Chase? Isn't he…?"

"Yes, but he just came here to talk," she answered, then turning to me, continued, "This is my husband, Edmund."

Edmund stuck out his hand hesitantly. "Nice to finally meet you, Robert."

"Pleasure's all mine," I lied.

"And these are my children: Bobby and Kaelise, you already met."
Bobby waved to me. "Hi, Mr. Chase."

"Hi, Bobby." Bobby. He must have been named after me.

Alison told her family, "Well, Robert is going to be staying for dinner, so let's all make him feel at home." Home. It IS my home, I thought.

We all ambled into the kitchen, the smell of zucchini appetizer filling the room. Alison had a seat for me between her and Kaelise. After dinner was served, we began making small talk. The worst part of any dinner, in my opinion.

"So, Robert, how have you been doing?" Alison asked.

"Good," I answered, although I wanted to say, 'Oh, I've been going through clinical depression.'

Alison nodded. "I'm glad to hear that."

"Are you still a doctor?" I asked.

"Yes. At Morgan-Daye Hospital," she answered. "You?"

Everyone's eyes were on me. I had to lie again. "Yes, I'm still a doctor," I said, but I thought if I was going to lie, I'd better make it a good one. "Actually, I'm the department head of intensive care at Malenthia Hospital."

Alison's olive eyes widen like her smile did. "Wow, Robert, that's wonderful!"

"Thank you," I said, stuffing more zucchini appetizer in my mouth.

Edmund had been watching us the whole time. He finally decided to put a word in. "So, are you married, Robert?"

Alison gave him a look and kicked him under the table.

"No, it's okay, Alison. Yes, I'm married," I lied again.

Alison looked at me with her 'jealous blush'. "How did you two meet?"
"She was House's physical trainer."

Alison exclaimed, "You've seen House recently?"

Finally, I didn't have to lie. "Yes, I've been seeing him for a while."

The whole night went on like this. Small talk after small talk. Lie after lie. When dinner was over, I made my way to the door. "Goodnight, Robert."

"Goodnight, Alison," I returned. "It was really nice seeing you again."

"You too. Take care," she said.
I began to walk down the steps to my car but decided to turn around. I couldn't leave like that. "Alison," I said, just before she closed the door.
"Yes?"

"I've been lying to you the entire evening," I confessed.

Alison, aside from looking shocked, closed the door behind her and approached me. "You have?"

"Yes. I am not doing good. I'm doing quite horrible. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, which I've been suffering from for as long as I can remember. I am unemployed and living off my family's money, which I swore I would never do. I have no children. I am not married. The girl I told you about, well, she is just someone I wish I had the chance to love, but I don't. I was a coward and an idiot not to ask her out when I wanted to, and she left the next week to go to Italy. I have no one except House as my friend. I am trapped in despair and hopelessness. I hate myself, and I don't think that'll ever change, no matter how hard I try. And I have been trying really hard, Alison. I have…" I began to cry. How embarrassing, I thought, but the thought quickly passed as I realized that I had needed to cry for some time.

Alison put my head on her shoulder. "Robert, Robert, it's going to be okay. I promise."

Suddenly, I became furious. "How do you know it's going to be okay? For you, yeah, everything's perfect, isn't it? You just HAD to make me sit through dinner as you showed-off your faultless little family, didn't you? And that's another thing. One of the reasons we got a divorce is that you didn't want children! Now you have some. Just trying to push it in, aren't you?"

Alison stepped back. "Is that what you really think of me, Robert?"

I turned around, shaking my head. "I don't know what to think about anything anymore, Alison."

"I am not against you. I want to help you. I care about you more than you know," she said.

"No one cares about me."

"Stop that, Robert. Stop saying that!" she exclaimed angrily. "I lied to you tonight too, Robert."

I turned and looked at her, astonishment patent on my face. "About what?"

"About not being over you. About all this," she said, motioning to her house. "It's not as perfect as you think it is."

"It's not?"
Alison shook her head desolately. "Not even close. Edmund and I have been going through some difficult times right now, with money and raising the kids, and we've been growing farther and farther apart."

"I see," I remarked. "Why did we feel like we had to lie to each other, Alison?"

"Well, I didn't want you to think I couldn't hold my life together without you, but I guess it's true."

"Well, look at me. I've done a marvelous job of holding my life together without you, too," I replied, laughing.

She giggled that musical, girlish giggle of hers. "Aren't we a pair, Robert?"

"Yes, we are." I smiled.

"Listen. Do you think you can come back next Thursday? We can talk," Alison suggested.

I nodded. "I think that's a wonderful idea."
She gave me a long hug, which I returned warmly. "I guess I'll see you next week, then."

"Okay. Goodnight," I said. She walked up to the door. "Oh, and Alison?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. I've really needed another friend," I told her. "And I think I've finally found one."