Beating the odds

by LioSky

Something was going on with Mike, and it wasn't anything good. He felt it, and Harvey had noticed it. It was not like it was the first time either. But this time it was nothing that either of them could control. As it turns out Mike is sick, really sick. He is going to need help, and a lot of it.

51. Chapter 51 - Despair

Chapter 51.

He was really going home. It was hard to believe. For a while it had been a possibility that he never would return back home with Harvey, but here they were in the car. He had been forced to use a wheelchair to get to the car and both Ray and Harvey had had to help him get inside it. Ray shook hands with him and told him that he was happy to see him better. That was nice of him.

Mike had almost died. It had been so close that Harvey and Donna had been told to say their goodbyes to him. It was hard to understand it. He had almost died, almost stopped exciting. How were you suppose to handle that? Mike had no idea. All he knew was that he didn't want to die. That was the only thing. It scared him more than anything at the moment. It was a kind of paralyzing fear that made him feel all cold inside as soon as he thought about it, which he pretty much did all the time.

When he was at the hospital he had wanted to go home but now he wasn't so sure anymore. At Harvey's he wouldn't be connected to all of those machines that helped analyzing how his heart was doing. He knew of course that he was cleared by his doctors to go home so they knew that he wouldn't drop dead or anything, but he was still very nervous that something might happen. He wouldn't have the same change of getting help at Harvey's place. That terrified him.

He didn't want to be afraid but he really was and it made him feel like shit. He couldn't handle anything, he was a wuss, he was like a child. He was pathetic and weak. He knew all these things and nothing of it made him feel any better. And his problems with insecurity and feeling afraid was going to be Harvey's problem now. Because he felt that Harvey was the only solution for him now. If Harvey was there he wouldn't panic, he was pretty sure of that. But he just didn't want to be too much. He felt so torn that he dreaded stepping inside Harvey's apartment. Not that he was able to step into it himself, Harvey had to push him in the wheelchair. He could barely sit up in it after the short ride from the hospital to the condo. It had left him drained and forced Harvey to practically lift him over to the chair.

"Couch or bed?" Harvey asked when they got inside. "Maybe the bed is the better choice." He decided before Mike got a word out.

Mike that would have preferred the couch didn't say anything.

"I'll just carry you over, okay?" Harvey said as he locked the wheelchair close to Mike's bed.

"Okay." He mumbled and laid his arm around Harvey's neck as the older man hoisted him off the chair. Harvey surprised him by holding a hand under his head and gently put him down. He then pulled a cover over Mike and sank down in the wheelchair still standing next to the bed. He fiddled a little with the wheels.

"This thing is not so bad." He said to himself. He looked over at Mike who just laid there watching him. Harvey leans forward and rose his bed a bit. "That's better. How do you feel Mike?" He then asked.

Mike just shrugged. He felt miserable and close to tears, not even sure why. He had wanted this, to come here but now he almost wished that he was back at the hospital. That was a first. He didn't know what to do, he feared he would break down at any moment. Harvey wouldn't like that, he wouldn't understand why because Mike just got what he had wanted. It was just that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. Or he knew. He wanted things to go back to the way they were before, the time when Harvey didn't have to lift him up into bed, a time when they would just work to kick ass in court. He didn't want this!

"Do you want to get some sleep? You look exhausted." Harvey spoke next to him.

"I don't know." He said. He wished that Harvey could tell him that things would be okay, that he just had to get through this and then things would go back to normal. To normal before the cancer.

"Well would you like something to eat then? I got some stuff with me from the hospital and I asked Donna to pick some up for us."

Harvey was talking but Mike didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. However he got nervous that Harvey would find him annoying if he didn't answer and that stressed him out.

"I don't… I don't know." He said again and felt himself starting to breath faster.

"Okay, that's okay Mike. You don't have to know. Take it easy, it's been a busy day."

It really hadn't but Mike tried to pretend Harvey was right. He just could relax! He was going to break. Maybe if he just could sleep he wouldn't have to deal with feeling like this. But would Harvey stay if he slept? He needed to know. He bit his lip hard as he looked at Harvey. He was lifting stuff out of a plastic bag they had brought from the hospital and ere placing the different bottles with pills on the desk. Mike felt almost like he couldn't breath. What was wrong with him?

Harvey who was done with whatever he was doing turned back to Mike.

"Hey, what's wrong? What is it?" He was close the next second. "Slow down Mike. It's okay."

Mike did try and do what he said.

"Mike relax. You have to relax."

Mike wasn't even sure why Harvey was saying those things. Harvey was stroking his arm.

"Mike I need you to relax. I think you are having a panic attack. But that's okay, don't worry. You're fine." Harvey continued speaking and Mike suddenly noticed that he could breath again.

"Can I sleep?" He asked shakily, not even sure why he asked. Now when he was staring to calm down he just felt so confused.

"Of course you can. I'll be here." Harvey reassured him.

Mike swallowed hard and wiped his face. "You will?"

Harvey nodded and smiled. "Just get some sleep. You will feel better when you wake up."

Mike forced his eyes closed and ignored the tears that wanted to creep out from underneath his eyelids. Harvey still had his hand on his arm, he was moving it up and down. Eventually he could feel himself drift off.

-SUITS-

They were not off to a good start. Mike just had a panic attack. An hour Harvey stayed with the kid before he was calm and asleep. He felt so sorry for the younger man. He had been warned about this. About Mike expressing difficulties with getting used to being in a different environment. Harvey hadn't believed it, that Mike would have a tough time at home, but he had been wrong. Mike had barely spoken and had just started breathing way to quickly and had sported a panicked expression. Then he even asked for permission to sleep. Harvey couldn't recognize this Mike, and he hated to see what this illness did to him. He felt so helpless in all of it as well. Helpless as well as somewhat alone. So much rested on Harvey's shoulders regarding Mike, because Mike needed him more than anyone ever had needed him, and probably ever will. Because who else could Mike turn to in all of this? But as Harvey thought about it he found that he didn't want it to be someone else because he was determined to get Mike better and he wanted to be the one Mike turned to for help and support.

It was clear to him that Mike was distressed, he could see the fear in Mike's eyes as they followed his movements. Even now in his sleep he looked tense. Harvey suspected that they were in for some rough few days now. Mike didn't feel safe and that bothered Harvey, but it was something he had to work on and so what if it took some more time to get him to feel safe? Harvey had time. He had made sure that he had. Work came second to Mike now. If Mike felt a little better in a few days he would ask Donna to bring him something, but as for now his focus was solely on Mike.

Donna arrived while Mike was still asleep. Harvey went to get the door for her but then went back to Mike while she put the groceries she had bought away. She also cooked for the three of them and brought the dinner into Mike's room. They ate in silence as not to disturb Mike. Harvey could see the way Donna was looking over at Mike now and again.

"He'll will okay soon." He eventually said. She nodded.

"He doesn't look okay." She then said and put her fork and knife away. "He looks cold. I'm just going to get him another blanket."

As she left the room Harvey didn't point out that there was one laying in a chair next to the bed.

When she came back a few minutes later, a blanket in hand and her makeup mostly washed away he didn't say anything about that either.

Donna's presence helped when Mike woke up again, he didn't speak much but held on to her hand tightly when she took his in hers.

That night Harvey slept in the chair next to Mike's bed with his feet resting across the end of it. His back and neck hurt in the morning, but at least Mike was fine.

Donna came over for an hour before she left for work in the morning. Mike woke up while she was still there and both her and Harvey noticed that Mike didn't want her to leave. However he didn't say anything. Not even when Donna kissed his cheek goodbye. Harvey was sitting in the chair and watched how Mike's body jerked a bit when they heard the door close behind her. Mike's eyes teared up during the next minute and he tried to turn his head away.

Harvey's "She's going to be back later" didn't seem to help. Harvey almost didn't know how to handle this version of Mike. It hurt inside him to witness the way Mike jerked and looked up at him with desperation in his eyes every time he so much as moved. Harvey came with words of reassurance, he tried to engage Mike in conversations, he read to him, but he didn't get much of a response out of Mike.

Mike struggled with eating as well. At first Harvey thought that he would eat what was in front of him without complaints but that didn't happen. After about one fourth of the portion he claimed he was done and Harvey chose to back down pretty quickly after Mike exclaimed that he couldn't, he just couldn't eat anymore. He begged not to have to finish and Harvey didn't want to argue with him.

"You don't have to finish it." He quietly said instead and Mike thanked him. That was just sad to Harvey. Mike was thanking him for not having to eat.

Mike slept a lot. He didn't have the energy to do much else.

"Hi Mike." Harvey walked up to the kid's bed after a bathroom break. Mike's eyes tiredly flickered against him. He didn't say anything.

"How are you feeling?"

Mike just blinked a few times before his eyes remained closed. Shit, Harvey swore to himself. He resented seeing Mike like this. So weak and sick. He didn't know if Mike was awake or not. Was he sleeping? Should he let him in that case? Mike was due a couple of his pills, but letting him sleep for an extra hour or two wouldn't hurt him much, would it?

It turned out that it did hurt because when Mike woke up he was in pain. Harvey gave him the pain killers and other pills but they didn't have the immediate effect that Mike was seeking. The pain made him act differently. He was agitated and angry, Harvey had seen it before and Mike almost turned into a different person. Harvey thought he was trying to hold back some but he wasn't that successful, not that Harvey blamed him but he had a hard time trying he control his own temper. He didn't want to argue with Mike but he went on about wanting other, stronger medications that Harvey knew that he couldn't take. Harvey wanted him to take a different kind, but Mike ignored him.

"Owww…it hurts." Mike complained in what had to be the twentieth time. He was still in bed, refusing Harvey's suggestion of moving to the couch a bit.

"I know that Mike." Harvey patiently said.

"Do something then." Mike snapped at him and Harvey had to take a deep breath. Damn that kid.

"I did offer you painkillers but you didn't want them."

"Not those ones. I want the other ones, I told you."

"And I told you that you can't have them right now."

"Why not? Screw you. It hurts! It's your fault then. You are doing this to me. You want to see me hurt? Huh? Is that what you want Harvey?"

Harvey rolled his eyes. "Yes, that's exactly what I want Mike!" He roared. "Just shut up would you, you don't know what you are saying. I already explained why you can't have the stronger ones, it doesn't go with the anti-depressants."

"So? Screw the anti-depressants. I don't need them anyway."

"Oh, believe me, you do."

"Shut up!"

"Let's just calm down okay? Both of us." Harvey sighed. He didn't want to fight with Mike when he was in this mood. His got unpredictable when he was in pain and anger could turn into anguish in mere seconds, especially now.

"Don't tell me to calm down. Shut up Harvey!" Mike twisted in pain on the bed, grabbing for his chest. He groaned. "Don't just stand there. Do something!"

"What do you want me to do then Mike."

"I don't know!" Mike was breathing hard and turned on his side with his back at Harvey when he didn't answer him immediately. "Just leave me the hell alone then if you are just going to stand there." He grunted.

"Fine." Harvey clenched his teeth and left the room. He didn't close the door though, and went and sat down on the couch. He just sat there and listened for any sounds Mike might be making. He heard him groan faintly but that was about it.

He did want to help Mike, but didn't know how. Normally Mike didn't want to be alone, but if he expressed that he wanted to Harvey would grant him that wish. At least for a little while. Maybe for five minutes. He doubted that Mike would last much longer than that considering he had been terrified of being alone ever since his heart stopped the last time. Mike had probably surprised himself as well, bursting out that he wanted to be alone.

There was a file on the table in front of him, and he took it in his hand intending to read it, but found that five minutes later he was still on the first paragraph. He couldn't concentrate like this. He couldn't sit here and read and pretend to work when he knew that Mike was in pain in the other room. And besides he had decided not to do any work. What was he doing? He stood and walked back to Mike's room. Mike had buried himself under the cover with a pillow pressed against his chest. Harvey couldn't see his face, but knew that Mike was awake, he was too tense not to be.

"You want me to sit with you?" Harvey quietly asked. At least he could offer his company.

Mike drew a shuddering breath before nodding. He hissed and tensed when Harvey sat down beside him on the bed. Harvey sat there in silence for a minute. Mike didn't speak either.

"It'll be okay." Harvey quietly said, hesitating just a moment before putting a hand on Mike's tense shoulder. "You'll be fine. It'll pass."

Mike didn't move and didn't answer him, just stayed exactly as he was. Harvey pulled up his cover a bit higher, to cover the kids back. He didn't like the way Mike was trembling, and even though he knew that the trembling most likely didn't happen because Mike was cold, it wouldn't hurt if he was warm and properly covered.

"Sorry…about, you know." Mike quietly said a moment later. "Thanks for coming back."

"No problem." Harvey just answered. He didn't need to say anything else at this point. He knew Mike was struggling, he had to keep that in mind, always.

A while later Mike was dozing off and Harvey sneaked out of the room and fixed a hot water bottle for the kid. When he got back Mike had turned against the door and stared at him with wide eyes.

"Where were you?" He asked.

"I just got this."

"Why didn't you wake me?" Mike didn't even look what he had.

"I'm back now, lay on your back. I think this might help."

Mike struggled for a moment with the task of turning on his back, a lost look on his face. He didn't say anything, and when he finally made it he let Harvey arrange the bottle that was wrapped in a towel over his chest.

"Thank you." He sighed. After that Mike stayed quiet. He seemed to be embarrassed for his previous behavior and Harvey caught him casting worried glances in his directions. He smiled against Mike every time, but Mike didn't return them. He didn't seem to be able to relax. Poor kid.

A couple of hours passed with Mike in bed and Harvey by the desk at his computer. Harvey glanced at his watch. They should eat something and he needed to use the bathroom. Mike had to take a few pills as well. A look over towards Mike told him that he was sleeping. He still tried to be quiet as he stood up, he was almost made it to the door.

"Where are you going?" Mike's whisper stopped him. He looked back at Mike but his face was still hidden in the pillows.

"I thought you were asleep." Harvey answered.

"No…I-I wasn't. Where are you going?"

"Just to the kitchen for a while Mike."

"I can I come with you?" Mike asked, surprising Harvey. "I want to come with you." He still didn't move, but sounded distressed. "Harvey?"

"Isn't it better if you stay here Mike? I'll be back soon." He started walking towards the door again.

"No, wait!" Mike struggled to turn around on his back. "Wait." He breathed, his face was flushed and edged with pain as he made to sit up. His arms shook from the effort but he managed.

"No, what are you doing? Just lay back down Mike. I just spent three hours in here with you. I'm hungry and I need the bathroom, plus you are due for some meds."

Mike's eyes flickered between Harvey and the door. He bit his lip and Harvey felt like crap.

"Five minutes Mike." he said and tried to meet the younger man's eyes. He didn't like the way Mike looked. There was fear in his eyes and Harvey found that he couldn't leave without the kid's permission. Mike's strength ebbed out and he slumped back against the pillows.

"My heart…" he whispered then.

"What's with your heart?" Harvey immediately got worried. "Does it hurt? Something feel's weird?"

Mike shook his head a little. "No, it's fine. I was just thinking…"

"What were you thinking?"

Mike's lower lip quivered. He didn't speak for some time. He was hesitating.

"I was just thinking… what if my heart stops when you are in the next room? In the kitchen. What if it does?" Mike locked eyes with him, the younger mans were wide and shiny.

"Mike, that's not going to happen."

"You don't know that. You can't know that. If I just could come with you?" He asked quietly as he looked away.

Harvey sat down on his bed again and nodded slowly. "Okay…" he said. "How about we do this?"

He reached for the baby monitor and pushed it into Mike's hand, and then he reached for Mike's phone. He knew the password so he turned it on and opened Spotify, and found a playlist. He then connected the phone to Mike's pillow he had gotten him for his birthday. He pushed Mike a down a bit.

"All you need to do is relax. I'll be right here." He waved the other receiver around. "If we need each other, we're here."

"Yeah, okay." Mike said defeated. "Sorry."

"No, it's alright. I'll be back soon."

"Yeah, okay."

However Mike couldn't relax and lay down and wait. "Harvey wait, please." Mike's voice stopped him before he got out the door. So Harvey turned back to him once again. "I just, I'm sorry if pissed you off before. I didn't mean to."

"You didn't. You didn't piss me off."

Mike breathed out and nodded. "I'm still sorry." He said. And there it was, tears, and Harvey wanted to curse as he hesitated in the doorway. Mike was scared. How helpless he must feel Harvey thought, he knew Mike didn't want to be like this, but right now the kids defenses was at a low and he couldn't help himself, that's why he said he was sorry. He wanted to let Harvey leave but was scared of being by himself in case his heart would stop while Harvey was away. Maybe this wasn't the right place for Mike to be, maybe they should be at the hospital? Mike would be monitored at all times there, and maybe that was better than being here. But there was no way he could bring that up with Mike at the moment. Mike would only conceive it as Harvey wanting to get rid of him. They had to fight through this here and now. He needed to talk to Donna and see what she thought.

As for now he just once again reassured Mike that everything was fine and hurried out of the room to do what he needed, clutching his end of the baby monitor in a hard grip. They should maybe get something cooler that Mike had suggested once, maybe walkie-talkies instead. He would have to talk about that with Donna as well.

-SUITS-

Oh god, he felt like absolute crap, and Harvey had apparently decided to be gone forever. He held the damn baby monitor in a death grip pressed against him, his hand were getting sweaty. He desperately wanted to use it, but didn't want to seem too pathetic because Harvey had told him again and again now that everything was fine. However Mike didn't see it. He couldn't see how things were alright, he felt the opposite. He felt desperate and he didn't know why. Like he was falling apart, like he had something huge inside him that wanted out but he couldn't let it. He didn't understand how Harvey could say that it was okay.

He was terrified of his own body, that it would betray him, he had no control what so ever over his heart and all he had been told was to relax and stay calm. It was incredibly stressful to have to force yourself to be calm, especially since he felt close to panic at all times. He didn't want to sleep now either, because what if he wouldn't wake up again?

The pain he had been in earlier today had sent him over the edge. He hadn't been able to hold it back, when Harvey had refused to do anything at all to help him. He had boiled over and now he was so nervous that Harvey was sick of him or angry with him. Why wasn't he coming back?

He felt constantly close to tears. When he had been turned against the wall with his face in the pillows he had allowed them to fall since he was sure that Harvey couldn't see it. He felt so damn useless where he was, just crying into his pillow even when Harvey was in the room. He didn't know how or what to do to ever feel any better. The only thing that help some was if Harvey was in the room with him. But he wasn't now, and every second seemed to last forever. He barely dared to breath and was biting his own tongue so hard that it really hurt, but he had to do it just to stop his teeth from grinding together and for him to call out. He thought that he could taste blood. He couldn't let Harvey know what he was doing, he would think Mike had gone insane. And what if he sent him away? What if he took him back to the hospital again because he didn't want to deal with Mike anymore? Was that why he was gone for so long now?

He was laying there all tense biting hard into his own tongue as he just tried to endure it. It was like if time stood still. Oh god, he could barely breath! He couldn't do this! This was the worst he ever felt and right now he wasn't sure how to handle it. He didn't know if he could. For the first time he didn't think that he could do this!

Something needed to change now, he couldn't deal with this. He wanted it to end. He couldn't feel like this. What scared him even more was that his heart was beating hard and fast inside his chest and no matter how much he tried to stay still and calm it didn't stop. It didn't work. Nothing worked. He couldn't do a thing. It was getting harder and harder to breath as well. Was this it? Was he having another heart attack? He felt dizzy and sick all at once, the room was spinning around him, even though he tried not to move at all. He was so tense that it almost hurt, he was pretty sure he was shaking from how tight his muscles were.

Why couldn't he just make it stop? He hated himself for not being able to control himself. It was like he was paralyzed in these feelings both physically and mentally. He couldn't get out of it and he felt like he was going to pass out, or even worse, die. That feeling made it about a hundred times worse because he was alone, he was alone and he was dying. That wasn't supposed to happen. Harvey had promised him.

His whole body hurt, he convulsed in attempts to breath, to calm down, to stop. He thought he made a sound, but wasn't sure. He could barely see, everything was blurry. He fought for his life. This wasn't supposed to happen like this, not like this! That was all he could think, please not like this. Help, he needed help! He couldn't stop it, but maybe someone else could. Harvey! He wasn't holding the baby monitor anymore and didn't know where it was. He couldn't search for it since his body wasn't cooperating at all.

Suddenly there was hands on him. Someone was talking next to him, but he couldn't hear the words. He tried but he couldn't. He was being shaken, the voice grew louder, more urgent. A hand landed on his face and it was turned towards the side. A shape came into view. Harvey, it was Harvey. Relief flooded through him, he wouldn't have to die alone. Harsh sobs welled out of him as something snapped in him along with the feeling of intense relief. He was hoisted upright and strong hands held him up. Harvey was still talking to him. Movement around him and something was along his side, Harvey's body he realized. Harvey was holding him and letting him lean sideways into him. One of his arms were along Mikes back and the other hand Harvey had pressed against his chest. Mike was still sobbing uncontrollably, he had never cried this hard. It hurt. It made it difficult to draw breaths. He shook so violently that Harvey had to tighten his grip around him. He pushed Mike harder against him.

Mike still didn't have any control over his body. He wanted it to end. Everything hurt and it wasn't worth it. Why couldn't he pass out?

Suddenly Harvey started to push him away and down. He was saying something as he tried to lower Mike down, but that couldn't happen. He couldn't do that, Harvey was pushing him away. Harvey didn't want him. At first he tried to resist but he couldn't. Other shapes were next to them. More hands pushed him down. Something was placed over his face and someone took a hold of his arm. He tried and pull it away, but it didn't work and it was held in place. His arm hurt suddenly. A needle.

He was sinking downwards. His mind got a little clearer as he understood that the two shapes next to him were paramedics and that they just had injected him with something and he had an oxygen mask on because his breathing had improved. He was more relax, almost uncomfortably so. Everything was still spinning though and he felt extremely nauseas, but didn't think he would throw up.

Someone was touching him. He felt something cold against his chest and pressure around his arm. People around him were talking. The paramedics and Harvey. Harvey sounded angry. Was he angry at Mike? He couldn't be right? Oh no, oh no, oh no. Once again he felt himself starting to tense. Harvey couldn't be mad at him. Harvey needed to help him. Mike wanted Harvey to make it all okay. He wanted Harvey to just tell him it was okay again, and he would try harder, so much harder to believe him.

Why wouldn't they stop talking? What were they saying?

Then Harvey came closer to him. The other voices had disappeared. He didn't know where they were, but Harvey was there. Mike tried to grab for him, but couldn't get his hands to cooperate. But Harvey took his hand in both of his and held on hard. He was speaking quietly and Mike couldn't hear him. He tried to say Harvey's name, but he was slurring. Hi body was twitching and he thought that maybe he was even drooling a bit. That was terrible.

Harvey let go of his hand with one of his and started to move his hand up and down Mike's chest instead.

"Just breath, just breath slowly. You can do it. You can do that Mike. Deep breaths. That's it." He could finally distinguish the words Harvey was repeating over and over.

"You are going to be fine. You don't have to worry about anything right now. I'm taking care of everything. You don't have to be scared. I'm right here. You are fine now."

Was he fine? He wasn't dying? He was fine. Harvey said he was fine, it had to be true then. If he was fine he wasn't dying. He wasn't going to die here today.

He started to cry again, even though he barely had the strength for it.

"Mike, shh…It's okay. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I know, I know. I know it's tough right now. I know. But you know what, it's going to be better. I just know it."

Mike didn't know. He was going to die. He had thought he was going to do so just minutes ago. He continued to cry, because he was still breaking. He still hurt. Nothing that Harvey said was going to make it better. It would never get better. Why would it? Why was Harvey even bothering with him?

"Okay, okay, okay. I know everything sucks right now. But it's going to pass. You'll feel better soon. I'll be here." Harvey was still saying all those things to him.

"I think I'm going to lay down next to you, is that okay with you Mike?" Harvey said then. "Is it Mike?"

Mike needed to answer. "Yeah." He whispered. And to his surprise Harvey climbed down next to him. He laid down on his back close to Mike, close enough so that their shoulders were touching. Then Harvey bent his head towards Mike so that their heads were touching as well. Harvey took his hand in his and held on hard. Mike felt Harvey's warmth next to him. He liked that. He relaxed a little. He wanted to hold on to Harvey, he wanted to stop him from ever leaving his side. He managed to fling his arm across his body and grab hold on Harvey's arm, or at least touch it. A little while later Harvey's other hand landed on top of Mike's head, and his finger's slowly traced little patterns across his forehead.

"I'm right here." Harvey said and Mike suddenly felt guilty for ever doubting him. Of course Harvey would be there for him, he had said he would be. And now he was even when Mike was behaving this way. He needed to say something.

"Sorry." He managed. "Sorry, sorry, sorry. So sorry." He couldn't stop when he started. He whispered it over and over again. He wanted Harvey to know that he was so sorry for everything. He wished he could be different, that he could be stronger, that he could fight better, that he didn't do this. He wanted to say all of that out loud but sorry was all he could form.

"No, Mike. You don't have to be sorry. Hey, please." Harvey were saying, and Mike could hear how his voice broke a little at the last word.

"I'm sorry too Mike. I'm so, so sorry. I am." Mike slowly turned his head a little to be able to see his boss. Harvey had tears in his eyes too. Mike stopped saying that he was sorry then. Harvey didn't stop stroking his head.

Eventually he was able to breath slower. Exhaustion were over him and he knew that he was going to fall asleep. He let his eyes fall close and he felt Harvey's hand in his and weight next to him. Maybe it would be okay to get some sleep.

-SUITS-

An anxiety attack, a severe one. That was what it had been. The paramedics had wanted to bring Mike with them, but Harvey asked if he could give it a try to calm Mike down again. After some argument he had promised to take Mike straight to the hospital if he wasn't better within the hour. Maybe it had been stupid to not let them take him, but it had also felt right. Mike needed to be in a calm and quiet environment. He had just been to the hospital way to long, he just got home yesterday. Harvey had been stupid to leave him alone like that, so stupid. It was entirely his fault, not Mike's. He hadn't thought that it would get that bad. He couldn't been away from Mike more than six or seven minutes at the most. He had had time to figure that out as he was trying to calm Mike down.

At first Harvey had almost panicked himself when he got back to Mike's room and found him with breathing difficulties and unresponsive. He had tried at first to get Mike to look at him or talk to him but it was like Mike wasn't even aware that he was there. But maybe he knew at some level because Mike started to cry when Harvey turned his face towards his own. Mike cried uncontrollably, it must have hurt him. Harvey had called an ambulance then.

He laid still next to Mike now, still a hand his head. His heart was still beating hard in his chest and he felt all shaky from worry. He tried to feel comforted from Mike's now deep breathing. He was fine now.

But was he really fine, or was it more that he was asleep and then couldn't feel bad. Nightmares maybe, but maybe that was preferable than Mike having to be awake. Harvey had almost started crying himself when Mike had started to apologies. Again and again he said that he was sorry and didn't seem to hear how Harvey told him that he didn't need to be. He didn't know what Mike was thinking that he was apologizing for. Freaking out? Being sick? Nothing made sense.

Harvey wasn't sure how to handle this. Did Mike need more professional help than what Harvey could provide? Was it wrong of him to not take Mike back to the hospital?

He was at least pretty sure that he would need more help. He was just one person and that wasn't enough right now, he needed backup. He would have to rely more on Donna and also maybe on Rachel, Louis and Jessica if they were willing. He would also look into hiring a nurse. Although he didn't particularly fancy the thought of having a stranger in his home it was probably the right thing to do for Mike at the moment. He wouldn't do anything now though. He was just going to lie here until Mike woke up again.

It took him almost three hours until he did. Harvey dozed of himself and woke up from Mike twisting a bit next to him. He sat up on his elbow and regarded Mike as he blinked slowly. Harvey hoped with all he had that the kid felt better after sleeping some. Mike jerked a little when he saw that Harvey was so close to him.

"Hi Mike." Harvey calmly said. He waited for Mike's reaction.

"Hi." Was all he said, or whispered. His voice sounded hoarse.

Harvey didn't know what to say next. "Are you feeling better?" He carefully asked. Mike just watched him in silence.

"What happened?" He whispered.

"You don't remember?" Harvey asked hopefully.

Mike closed his eyes for a minute as his breathing started to quicken. Shit.

"I was…I couldn't breath." Mike said. "What happened?" he repeated.

"You were…" Harvey hesitated. He didn't want to tell Mike what had happened. What would be better of it? Nothing. "You just felt a bit bad, but you are better now." He said decidedly.

Mike seemed to think this through. He slowly shook his head. "No" he said. "I couldn't breath, I remember that. I was in pain, it hurt everywhere." A wrinkle appeared on his forehead as he thought.

"The paramedics where here, you called them. You argued with them." He mumbled.

"Yeah, I did call them Mike. I had to, you were unresponsive." He wasn't going to apologize for that. What Mike said next scared him though. Mike just looked blankly straight ahead as he said it, but Harvey could see that his eyes were getting a bit shiny.

"I thought I was dying."

"Mike. You weren't dying. You, you just had an anxiety attack." Harvey carefully said.

"No! I was dying, it felt like I was." Mike insisted and with tears in his eyes now he looked into Harvey's eyes. "And you weren't there." Mike brought a shaky hand up and wiped his eyes.

"I know." Harvey said quietly. "I know I wasn't."

"Why not?" Mike wanted to know, his face twisted.

Harvey shook his head a little. "Mike I was just gone for a few minutes. I told you before I was just going to the bathroom and fixing you something to eat."

"I don't care!" Mike exclaimed. "I don't want to eat. I don't want to be alone." He looked away.

"I'm sorry Mike, I…" but Mike interrupted him.

"No, why did you leave me? You were gone! I thought I was going to die. I thought I was dying. Alone." Tears were running down his cheeks faster than he could wipe them away.

"You said that I didn't have to."

"You weren't, Mike. You weren't dying."

"But I thought I was. That's the same. I was scared."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I've told you that you don't have to be scared Mike."

"You telling me not to be scared doesn't help shit, you know." Mike mumbled. "I can't just turn it off. I can't help it. I don't know what to do." He sobbed again and Harvey's heart sank even more.

He did the only thing he could think of that would help the most. He leaned in and gave Mike a hug. At first he thought Mike would push him away, but he didn't. Instead Mike clang to him, his fingers digging into Harvey's back. Mike's arms shook but he didn't let go. For some time they both stayed like that, both silent.

Mike had stopped his crying when they let go. He wouldn't look at Harvey and his cheeks were flushed.

"Hey, it's okay. I get that this all is a lot to handle, but it's okay. And you know what? It's going to be okay. I'll make sure of it." Harvey tried to reassure the younger man. He didn't want him to feel embarrassed, but didn't know if he got that through to Mike.

Mike didn't answer him, he just looked away.

"You need to tell me when you feel that bad Mike, then I can help you stop it from getting worse."

"But that's the thing wasn't it." Mike said. "You weren't here." His voice almost broke and Harvey was afraid that he was going to start crying again, but he didn't.

"I know, and that's on me. I feel awful about that Mike."

"I don't know what to do with myself." Mike whispered. "I feel like crap. I feel totally patethic and fucking useless. I feel like crying all the time." He said the last part with a hint of disgust in his voice as he closed his eyes tightly.

"I just want it to end sometimes." He continued. "Sometimes I don't think that I can't do this anymore. It's too hard, Harvey. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to do this to you."

Harvey didn't want to hear those words coming from Mike's lips. Never those words and he wanted to respond with anger, but there was no way Mike could handle rage at the state he was in now. The kid would get another attack. He took a deep breath before he answered. Time for some pep talk.

"I get that you feel like crap Mike, and I can get that you want it all to end. Your situation sucks. Cancer sucks. But I will tell you one thing, you are not pathetic and you are not useless. What you are is a fighter. You are fighting this fucking disease with all you got, and you are beating it again and again. You are still here, after everything you been through. Hell, your heart has stopped at least five times by now, you have been on a ventilator because you couldn't breath on your own, and they even told us to say goodbye to you because they didn't think that you would make it. But what did you do?" He paused to see if Mike would answer. He didn't.

"You fought through it all and you are still here, so you are doing something right here. All you need to do is keep doing it and then you leave the rest to me. I won't leave you alone again. I'll get us more help, I'll make sure you are safe. And I don't care if you cry all damn time, I don't care. Okay, do you understand what I'm saying? You don't have to worry Mike, because I got your back."

Mike nodded a little.

"And you know what? It's okay if you are scared or upset of whatever, because I will be here anyway, especially then. You matter most to me and I'm sorry but I don't want to hear you speak about yourself like that again."

Mike still didn't speak, but now he reached out a hand against Harvey. His eyes flooded over again as Harvey took his hand.

"Thank you, Harvey." Mike slurred and then tipped his body towards Harvey and buried his face against his chest.

"Yeah, okay." Harvey said and patted his head a little. "You are welcome. I guess."

"I kind of love you, you know.." Mike mumbled causing Harvey to laugh.

"I kind of love you too."

"I know." Mike said, not moving from his position.

"And don't you ever scare me like that again. You are giving me a heart problem like this."

"Heh…that'll be bad." Mike mumbled. "I don't think I can sit up at the moment, to give you CPR."

"We have the defibrillator. I'll show you how to use it."

"Perfect."

And just like that, things felt normal again to Harvey. Well, except for the fact that he had his associate pressed against his chest, sleeping. But he and Mike were good and that was a win.

Now he was just waiting for Donna to get there. They needed to come up with a plan.

Donna did arrive later and Harvey felt relived. He really needed to talk to her about a lot of things but that proved to be difficult since Mike was awake. He wasn't going to let Mike hear this, it was no use. He also wanted to tell Donna what happened earlier, but it had to wait.

Mike felt a bit better after his latest nap and was even a bit hungry. They all ate together, Mike carefully and slowly.

He passed out an hour later giving Harvey the opportunity he had been waiting for. Donna got very worried when he told her about what happened earlier during the day. She questioned Harvey's decision on keeping Mike at home, but agreed that he seemed to be doing slightly better.

She also agreed that they needed to make sure that Mike wasn't left alone at all. Donna promised she would take care of that, saying that she would talk to the others and that he needn't to worry. Harvey claimed that he didn't, and she almost laughed at him for it. He didn't know when that had happened, her laughing when he said he won't be worried about anything. Who had he become? Not that he cared though, he did what was needed of him and he wanted to do it. Because Mike needed him and Harvey felt good about being needed. And besides he did kind of love Mike. They had grown so close now that they practically was family and Harvey had come to realize that this feeling he felt when he looked at Mike when he was sleeping peacefully on his bed, was what he had been missing in his life. His life had gotten a deeper purpose since Mike came to live with him. That was something that he was grateful for.

A few days passed with more frequent visits from Donna. She had started to look into hiring a nurse for them as well. She had spoken to the hospital about it as well as them getting some equipment so that Mike could be treated more at home. So far nothing was decided yet.

Rachel and Louis had agreed to help out more as well, Louis being really eager. Even Jessica had offered to be of assistance any way she could. Harvey could just accept and thank them for it. It meant that he would be able to go to the office once in a while, or go out for a run or just sleep a couple of hours. Mike was more stable now but still very ill. He had good and bad days and sometimes he was reluctant towards Harvey leaving. Every time he had been so far, Harvey had chosen to cancel whatever he had been planning on doing in favor of staying with Mike. Donna who had promised to stay with Mike then had been a bit annoyed with him, but when Mike smiled gratefully towards him it was worth it. It wasn't often that Mike smile.

Three days after Mike's anxiety attack Harvey walked into Mike's room after lunch to check on the kid. Mike had been taking a nap but Harvey thought that he could hear him moving around in there. They hadn't spoken much about Mike's emotional state after that attack. Mike had no desire what so ever about doing that.

Today Harvey had kept a close eye on Mike since he had shown signs of having a fever. Fevers worried Harvey. Mike didn't really answer Harvey as he greeted him, and walked to sit down on his chair. Mike was searching for something on the nightstand.

"Mike, what are you doing?" Harvey finally asked as the baby monitor fell of the table. "What are you looking for?"

"It's here. It was here." Mike mumbled, Harvey wasn't even sure if he answered his question or not. He was leaning on his side and searching along the nightstand with one hand. Quite a lot of crap was loaded on top of it. A few books and magazines, pill bottles, a glass of water, Mike's iPad, his charger and headphones and an old apple. When Mike continued his search without results Harvey decided to help him out. He walked over picked up the monitor off the floor and helped Mike lift the magazines.

"There!" Mike exclaimed and pointed. He tried to reach. It was a picture frame that had been tipped over and hidden below the magazines. Mike couldn't reach it and was changing positions to do so. Harvey picked the frame up and put it in Mike's hand. He saw that it was the picture of Mike and his grandmother. Mike grabbed it with both of his shaking hands and held it up in front of him as he fell back against the pillows.

Harvey watched his expression as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "Your grandmother, huh?" he said, mostly just to have something to say.

"I just needed to see her." Mike said, not tearing his eyes from the photograph. Harvey nodded even when Mike wasn't taking any notice of him.

"You know, she impressed me, that one time I met her." Harvey told the kid. Mike did look at him then and smiled.

"She liked you too."

"Of course she did. I'm adorable."

Mike laughed a little. "I actually think she liked Rachel more."

"Hm..." Harvey smiled too. They were quiet for some time while Mike continued to look at the picture. "I bet you miss her." Harvey said eventually.

Mike swallowed before he answered. "Yes I do. I remember the last time I spoke to her as if it was yesterday. The last time we…" His eyes got shiny. "Sometimes I think it's good that she isn't here though."

"Why would you say that?" Harvey wanted to know a bit surprised at that statement.

"So she doesn't have to see me like this. I think it would have destroyed her. This is better." He said solemnly.

"Mike… I'm sorry." Harvey just said. He didn't know what else to say, if anything he could say would help Mike. The kid was still holding the frame in front of him. Harvey resisted the urge to pull it away from him.

After a minute or two Mike carefully placed the frame back on the nightstand so that it was turned against him. "She was great to me." He sighed. "Did you know your grandmothers?" He asked then.

Harvey spent about an hour telling Mike about his grandparents, and then asked questions about Mike's. It turned out to be a pretty good day for both of them. However as evening drew closer Mike's fever rose slightly. He got more color to his cheeks and his eyes lost some of their clarity.

Mike was in his room sleeping after passing out as they were watching a movie together and Harvey had gone to lay down on the couch for a bit. They both had the baby monitors at hand. Mike had agreed on that walkie-talkies were a much better choice when Harvey had brought it up with him the other day, but Donna had said that it had slipped her mind every time Harvey told her to buy a pair.

"Harvey?" Mike's quiet voice now reached Harvey where he was sitting on the couch. He immediately got up and went over to Mike's room. He had left Mike in there asleep about three hours ago now, though he had been checking in on Mike every twenty minutes or so. He felt like this was what he needed to do now. He wasn't going to let anything happen with Mike on his watch. Especially not after Mike practically collapsed after being left alone for just a few minute. Although the kid did seem more stable now, he didn't want to risk anything.

The last time he checked on Mike he had been fine, his breathing had been a bit labored, but it didn't worry Harvey that much.

"Hi kid. What's up?" He asked as he stepped into the room.

Mike blinked up at him, he was panting a bit. "I was just…" He started. "I was just wondering…where you were."

"I'm right here."

"Okay. Good." Mike breathed. He looked up at Harvey with wide eyes and the older man's heart sank a bit.

"You okay?" He asked even if he knew that's wasn't the case right now.

Mike just nodded. "Yeah. I'm fine." Harvey nodded back and glanced towards the door. He should go and turn off the TV.

"Can you stay?" Mike asked then, and Harvey just sat down. Of course he would. Mike just laid there, and Harvey pulled out his phone. They spent an hour or two like that, both in silence. Harvey wasn't sure if Mike was awake or asleep, but he move around from time to time.

Harvey made dinner for them, just something in the oven so he didn't have to leave Mike alone that much. Mike's breathing was worrying him a bit. After dinner, Mike ate way too little, they watched a movie. At least Harvey did. Mike's eyes were turned against the screen but when Harvey glanced at him he was pretty sure that Mike wasn't aware what was happening. It made Harvey nervous.

Later that night had Harvey feeling actually scared. The way Mike sounded by now was truly scary. Something was going on with his breathing, he was making some kind of wheezing sound that wasn't normal.

"Are you sure you can breathe alright?" He asked again for what was probably was the third time this evening. Mike yet again assured him that he was fine. Harvey had made a call to his doctor that had told him that Mike probably just had mucus in his airways, and that it was what was causing the sound. If Mike claimed that his breathing was okay they didn't need to come in. Also the fever didn't seem to be any worse, it was only a low graded one.

"You don't sound fine." Harvey grumbled. He had already decided to spend the night close to the kid, he didn't think Mike would mind. The doctor had told him to keep an eye out after all.

Mike coughed a bit and glanced up at him. He didn't look fine either. He was pale now and looked a bit like Harvey was feeling.

"You know what? How about I just sleep in here tonight?" Harvey suggested to him.

Mike perked up a bit at that. "Really? Okay. But where?"

Harvey rolled his eyes a bit. "I'm glad I bought you a big bed. You have to move over a little though."

Mike looked questioningly up at him, but nodded. He started to slowly move closer to the wall. He stopped when he had left some room next to him and glanced over at Harvey.

"Finally." Harvey said with a smirk, he had patiently been waiting for the kid to move without helping him. "I'll be right back Mike."

"Okay." He whispered.

Harvey went to get ready for bed and got some meds for Mike. He went back to Mike who was laying flat on his back, his chest moving rapidly up and down as he was breathing. Harvey found himself standing there watching Mike breathe for a minute. He didn't know if Mike knew he was there or not. If he did he didn't show it, just laid there.

Harvey sat down next to him, and opened up his laptop intending to catch up on his e-mails. It was still a bit too early for him to go to sleep. He started responding one e-mail, but his hands stopped typing when he focused on the sounds of Mike's breathing. He looked at Mike's pale face wishing it was something else he could do for him. He put a hand on Mike's shoulder and squeezed it until Mike looked up at him.

"You good?"

Mike smiled a little and nodded.

"Try and get some sleep."

Harvey worked in silenced while Mike slept, his breathing still sounded off. Sometimes he would cough a little, but didn't wake up. Harvey had decided that he would stay up keeping watch until he felt sure that this wasn't anything serious. The kid jerked awake an hour or so later and looked widely around him.

"Hey Mike? Everything good?" Harvey asked. He suspected a nightmare. Mike blinked up at him and nodded after a moment. Harvey noticed that he had started to shake a little. It must have been one hell of a dream to get a reaction like that.

"Go back to sleep then." Harvey told Mike, but the younger man didn't respond. Harvey put the laptop away then and laid down. They were both silent.

Mike looked scared when Harvey turned his head towards him and he felt sorry for the kid. He had yet to stop shaking. It looked like Mike wanted to reach out for him, so Harvey just did it for him and took his hand in his. Mike clasped his hand weakly, a look of relief spreading over his face. This all sucked so much. Harvey cursed the cancer in his mind for the millionth time just for making Mike have that look on his face.

"It's okay." He mumbled. "It's okay Mike. It's all okay."

Mike didn't say a word. However he pulled Harvey's hand closer to him and managed to turn his body and bend his head down, so that he was leaning his forehead against Harvey's hand, like he was seeking comfort from it, which he probably was. Harvey left his hand like that, in fact he didn't dare to move it. He rested his other hand on top of Mike's head for a moment.

"It's okay. I'm right here." He repeated.

It took Harvey a long time to fall asleep that night. He let Mike keep his hand in his possession which made it a bit hard to relax. His hand was sweaty from Mike's lax grip. Mike breathing sounded about the same but at least he was asleep again.

It wasn't a good night for either of them. Harvey slept uneasy and woke often to check if Mike was doing worse. Mike woke up a few times too. Once he woke Harvey by pulling on his hand. He proceeded to have a coughing fit for about two minutes, ending with Harvey dragging him upright and hitting his back. Afterwards Mike slumped against him totally out of breath. Harvey helped him to drink some water and get him back down. Mike mumbled a thanks and fell asleep again.

"Harvey…Harvey…Har…Harvey." Harvey opened his eyes and jerked a bit when he found himself face to face with Mike.

"Hey." He blinked a few times. "What's wrong?" he asked as he glanced at his phone, four thirty.

"Don't sleep." Mike whispered.

"It's too early not to Mike."

"My chest hurts." Mike told him.

"Yeah?"

Mike nodded with wide eyes. "I don't want to die." He then said shakily and Harvey's thoughts of sleep was gone immediately. "You won't." He reflexively said. Mike didn't answer, just kept looking at him.

"Don't be scared Mike." Harvey told him. "I'll get you some painkillers." He managed to get them into Mike and helped him to drink some water from a bottle. He told Mike to go back to sleep after that, but the kid still had that look on his face.

"I'll keep watch, okay. I won't let anything happen to you." He quietly said but Mike still hesitated.

"You trust me right?" Harvey then asked him. Mike nodded at that and relaxed a little while later. Harvey carefully sat more upright. He was pretty sure that he would fall back asleep if he laid down again. He wasn't going to do that to Mike. He turned his phone on and texted Donna. He knew he would need her help today. If nothing else he would need her to stay with Mike while he took a nap. He wouldn't last long with only three hours of sleep. Hopefully he didn't wake her up now, texting her at 4:47.

-SUITS-

'This was a long and sad chapter, but I hope you liked it. Things are not easy for Mike to handle at the moment, and he doesn't really know how to cope with everything. But his and Harvey's bond are stronger than ever now I think. This story is really getting long, but I'm writing so detailed now that I can't stop doing just that. I have something outlined but then just fill the chapter with so much else that I'll come up with while I write, like this chapter.

Let me know what you think and thank you for reading! I really appreciate the reviews. They do encourage me!