Beating the odds

by LioSky

Something was going on with Mike, and it wasn't anything good. He felt it, and Harvey had noticed it. It was not like it was the first time either. But this time it was nothing that either of them could control. As it turns out Mike is sick, really sick. He is going to need help, and a lot of it.

54. Chapter 54 - Touch

Chapter 54 – Touch…

Mike slept again. He had been awake for a total of ten minutes after they got back from the hospital. A visit there had been initiated by Harvey after a sleepless night listening to Mike's coughing. The hospital prioritized Mike even though it wasn't an emergency. They must have thought it was serious enough. Mike was gone for about an hour for tests while Harvey waited.

The younger man was pretty out of it when he came back. Mike couldn't focus his eyes on Harvey's and didn't seem to be listening when someone spoke to him. Not even Harvey got through to him. Harvey wasn't that surprise when the younger man practically collapsed.

"He is totally drained. Both dehydrated and malnourished!" One of the nurses that helped out later had said. However Mike's doctor was a bit more optimistic and also understanding of the situation. He thought that an IV for a couple of days would help Mike and also spare him of the painful process that eating now entailed.

It was almost absurd that Mike was on an IV to not have to eat. Even thought it was just temporary it was actually terrifying. Sometimes Harvey found himself thinking that what the hell is happening? This was such a moment as he watched a girl from the hospital connect Mike to the IV, all the while Mike slept. She then showed Harvey how it worked and how he should change and switch it out. It wasn't that difficult. Harvey followed her to the door and thanked her when she left.

He felt a bit nervous when he walked back to Mike's room. They actually let Mike go home again. For a while there he had thought that they would insist on keeping Mike at the hospital, but no one had been practically worried about that. Harvey wondered why that was. Mike could barely walk and wasn't even coherent. Harvey wasn't sure if the kid would have noticed that they weren't at home.

But maybe they thought that Mike didn't have long left and that's why they let him head home. No, that wasn't it. Mike was just drained. What had that nurse said? Dehydrated and malnourished. That was it. There was nothing wrong with his heart or anything. At least not something that needed extra medical attention. Mike had just collapsed because he hadn't eaten well enough. Though that was pretty bad, when he thought about it. For a moment he felt incredibly guilty about it all. He should have made sure Mike had eaten more.

But he couldn't think like that. That wasn't going to do them any good. He had done all he could. Short from physically forcing food into the kid, but that hadn't really been an acceptable option. There was no point looking back now. You couldn't change the past anyway. They could only look forward at this point.

Mike slept for most of the day and night. He was awake for short periods of time and then he was confused and anxious. He squirmed and blinked slowly.

"What…what's this? What is it?" He mumbled when he saw his IV, and Harvey carefully removed his hand from fingering where the needle went into his skin.

Mike looked into his eyes then and noticed that he was actually there.

"Hi Harvey." He said, closed his eyes and fell asleep again.

Harvey sighed and put down Mike's hand again. "Hi kid." He said. He found himself patting it a bit before reluctantly moving over to his own bed again. He couldn't do much for Mike now. All he could do was just to be there when Mike needed him.

Mike slept until late morning the next day but was a bit more coherent when he did wake up.

"What happened yesterday?" He asked when Harvey came to give him something to drink and finger a bit on the IV-pole. Adam was coming for a few hours today to take care of it more properly than Harvey could. He still felt a bit unsure about how to handle that.

"I'm not surprised if you don't remember. You were pretty out of it." He told Mike about the hospital visit and what had become of it.

"So I'm going to be stuck with this now?" He asked after thinking a while in silence.

"For now you are." Was all Harvey wanted to answer.

Mike closed his eyes and hummed a bit as a response. He didn't ask anything else. However he wasn't all that happy when Harvey wanted him to take his meds. At least the coughing had died down a bit. Something they had given Mike had worked apparently. Sure he still coughed, but it wasn't as bad as before. They sounded raw and terrible when he was at it, but at least it wasn't as frequent and didn't seem to be as painful.

Harvey spent the whole two coming days in his, and now Mike's, bedroom. It was a couple of slow days, but it was just what they needed. Mike thanked him for being there on one occasion when he was a little more alert. Harvey said that it was nothing.

However on the third day of the same as before Harvey was starting to feel restless. His once luxurious bedroom now resembled a hospital room more than anything. It even smelled like a hospital room. Especially after Adam had done some cleaning for Mike's benefit.

Mike wasn't much of any company. He was mostly sleeping or just laying on the bed staring out in the room while blinking slowly. He didn't want to do much of anything when Harvey suggested they watch a movie or when he tried to strike up a conversation.

Harvey suspected that Mike did try. He started saying something but then trailed off without ever getting to the point. The scary thing was that he didn't seem to notice it himself.

"And?" Harvey tried once when Mike stopped talking in the middle of a sentence.

"And what?" He mumbled back.

"Nothing." Harvey told him. "It's nothing. How about I read a bit huh?"

"Okay."

But now Harvey would really give anything to get out of the apartment for a while. Mike wouldn't like it, but Adam was there so it was fine. The important thing was that Mike wasn't alone. It could be dangerous now, not just for Mike's mental wellbeing but for his heart. Harvey had been warned about it and at the slightest sign of that anything at all was out of the ordinary they were to call an ambulance.

Harvey had taken up the habit now of asking if Mike was fine and how he was feeling every time he woke up.

"Harvey, come on! I slept for ten minutes. Nothing has changed." Mike had complained the last time. However this morning the kid seemed to be a bit down. He only answered in one-word-sentences when Harvey asked him the usual questions. He took his meds without complaint and went back to sleep.

"I'm just going for a run." Harvey announced to Adam. "I'll have my phone on and with me. Call any at any time."

"We'll be fine. Go and enjoy your run Harvey." Adam said as Harvey left.

-SUITS-

Mike had never been this exhausted in his whole life. He got tired from blinking. How weird was that? Very, Mike decided.

It was boring to be this tired. He barely did anything else then sleep. Except when Harvey and Adam had him doing stuff. Stuff like taking meds, going to the bathroom or cleaning up. Adam also had this annoying idea about him changing positions in bed.

"We don't want you to get bedsores." He said.

"I won't get that." Mike argued without opening his eyes'. "It's for old people."

"Actually it's common for people that spend a great amount of time laying in bed, just like you are."

Mike had agreed to change to lay on his side then. Bedsores sounded unpleasant.

Adam also wanted him to do some excises which Mike strongly disliked. But he did them anyway. Adam did have a point there as well. He didn't want his muscles to lose all their strength or whatever. So he did the excises, they weren't that hard anyway. And after them he always slept better, mostly without nightmares. That was always a plus.

Sleeping this much affected him in other ways as well, not just physically. It made him confused and left him with a feeling of losing control of what was happening around him. He could almost feel how he was fading away. He had no sense of time anymore. And now when he was on an IV, which was scary in itself, he had no set points for breakfast, lunch or dinner, and therefore not much ways of knowing what time of day it was. He could always ask Harvey of course, which he often did.

Harvey was almost always in the room with him. He slept in Harvey's room now. That was nice. He felt better knowing that Harvey was that close to him. Now he could just call out in the middle of the night if he wanted to, and Harvey would hear him and answer. Not that he was doing that every night, but just the knowledge of that he could helped him. Because being this tired and overall exhausted scared him. Why didn't he get better? He had been sleeping almost constantly for a few days. Now he was able to stay awake for a little longer at a time now, but he didn't exactly feel any better.

They always told him that if he just got a lot of rest and took care of himself he would get better, so why wasn't anything changing? He tried his best in not thinking of the possible reasons of his situation. He just couldn't go there. But of course he couldn't help doing it.

Death shouldn't scare him this much. It shouldn't. He was supposed to be stronger than this. He should just accept his faith and not feel like he just totally wanted to break down in tears every time he thought about dying. He did that a lot now. Think about his death. And he freaked out every time. He hated himself for it. Hated how scared, helpless and pathetic he felt at the thought.

His entire family was dead, it shouldn't come as a surprise that he was facing the same possibility. He had cancer in his heart. People didn't survive heart cancer. It was a fact. But he couldn't stop the voice inside his head that kept telling him that maybe, maybe this wouldn't kill him. Maybe he would be the lucky one that would be able to beat this. But at the same time as the voice came up the other one that said that there was no way he would survive came as well. That second voice mostly drowned the first hopeful one. That internal battle tore him apart. He didn't know how to handle it. It made him want to scream and cry. Even though he didn't want to have to care about how he was behaving he fought to keep in control. He had to for Harvey sake.

He could see how worried Harvey truly was. He saw it in the way Harvey looked at him sometimes after patiently waiting while Mike struggled with his meds. Or when Harvey helped him to drink by holding his glass for him. Or when Harvey helped him to stand up to go to the bathroom. Harvey got a special look in his eyes that told Mike that Harvey was scared too. Sometimes that look made him feel so much better because Harvey really cared about him. But other times it only bothered him because it meant that he would have to hold back, to spare the older man some of the burden of seeing Mike at his lowest.

He knew how much he was demanding of Harvey, it was just that sometimes he wasn't strong enough to care about that. Sometimes he didn't care what Harvey thought, and all Mike could do was to think about his own needs. Because sometimes it just got too much for him and all he wanted was for Harvey to just sit there next to him and talk to him and reassure him. Sometimes he just wanted to hold on to Harvey, maybe not hold his hand, but just somehow touch him. Just to feel his presence and to know that he wasn't alone. It helped him so much. It kept the panic at bay and his mind could relax somewhat at the knowledge of that Harvey was helping him.

At times like that, when he was feeling the worst he just wanted Harvey to sit there. All the time. He didn't want Harvey to leave for a second. He felt both anger and despair rise in him as soon as Harvey got up, even if he was just getting Mike a glass of water or if he was going to the bathroom.

"Do you have to leave?" He had complained when Harvey got up just now. He caught Harvey's expression and he looked bothered, even a bit annoyed. Mike bit the inside of his lip hard in an attempt to stop himself from begging again. Harvey wanted to leave. Harvey wanted to leave him. Harvey didn't want to just sit there next to him doing practically nothing. Mike wasn't really capable of following along in a conversation right now. He knew that he made lousy company. But his heart was breaking at the thought of Harvey wanting to go. He stared straight forward to dry his eyes.

"Mike, kid." Harvey said slowly and carefully like Mike was six years old. "I can't be here every second of the day. I'll be right back." He squeezed his shoulder a little.

Mike could hear him in the kitchen. The tap was running. Harvey opened a cupboard and then closed it. Mike slowly turned on his side to be able to look towards the door way.

He wasn't able to stay awake until Harvey came back again. When he woke up Adam was there, sitting in Harvey's chair.

"Where is Harvey?" His voice was hoarse.

"He had to leave for a bit." Adam told him. "I'm sure he's back soon."

Mike just nodded and looked away from the nurse. All he had to do was wait. Harvey would be back soon. As he had said, he couldn't be there next to Mike every second. Of course he couldn't. That would be absurd if Mike demanded him to be.

He was going to wait. That was all he needed to do. Just wait. He was good at that by now. He did a lot of waiting. Waiting in the hospital for test, waiting while he got treatment, waiting for when he got to leave that place and go back home, and just waiting to get better.

He didn't want to wait!

No, relax, he needed to relax. It wasn't like he was alone. Adam was here if something were to happen to him. He didn't need to worry.

But where was Harvey? Or that didn't really matter. What mattered was why Harvey rather go and do something else then stay here with him, even though he knew that Mike didn't want him to leave. Was it so that Harvey didn't want to be here? Was that the reason he left? Had Harvey gotten sick of him now?

It was not like Mike would blame him if that was the case. He was useless company. Who in their right mind would want to spend time with him anyway?

He glanced at Adam. He was sitting in Harvey's chair with his arms crossed over his chest, holding a book in one hand. His head was turned towards Mike and while he was watching him, Adam suddenly looked up at him. When he was saw Mike was watching him he smiled until Mike looked away again.

Time passed endlessly slow. His thoughts only got darker. Harvey didn't want to be here. He was certain of it now. Why would he? Why was Harvey even bothering with him at all?

But this was so sudden. Had he done something to upset Harvey? Was that the reason why he wasn't there anymore? But what was it? He couldn't concentrate enough to figure it out. It had to be something though. He had to find out what it was. He had to. If Harvey just could come back. He needed to apologize. He had to make it right.

It was all he could think of. Because one thing he knew, and that was that without Harvey he was screwed. He had a vague thought about maybe he was obsessing a little much about Harvey, almost more than the thought of actually being ill. But it was just that Harvey was the one person that was holding him sort of together. And now this person didn't want to be around Mike anymore.

Hours must have past when he finally heard Harvey at the door. He wished he was strong enough to get up and greet him. As it was now he just had to stay where he was and wait for Harvey to come to him.

Finally he arrived. He nodded towards Adam and walked over to his closet as he took of his suit jacket. Mike waited nervously as Harvey and Adam talked for a bit. Then Adam left after saying something to Mike. He didn't listen. His thoughts rushed around in his head as he only had eyes for Harvey to see what he was going to do.

"Hi kid." Harvey smiled at him as he sat down in the chair placed next to Mike's bed.

Mike just looked at him and blinked rapidly a few times.

"You okay?" Harvey asked when Mike didn't say anything.

Mike's mouth opened and closed again. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't okay. Far from it, but he didn't know how to tell Harvey that.

"Where were you before?" His voice was shaking without him being able to do anything about it. He briefly met Harvey's eyes but had to look away again, because Harvey looked bothered now. He was pretty sure of that. He continued before Harvey had a change to say something.

"Look, about earlier, before. I…I was just…I'm sorry, Harvey."

"No Mike, you don't have to apologize."

"But I was just thinking that maybe you wouldn't want to come, or to be here. But I want you to. Sorry."

"What are you talking about? Of course I want to be here."

Mike stopped himself from continue to ramble, he felt all wrong and so scared. He had sounded pathetic. At this moment he didn't want Harvey to leave because he would die if he did. At least that was what it felt like. The panic was raising unexplainable inside him. He just hated himself at the moment, he almost thought that he would deserve it if he died right now. He was just so pathetic as usual, and he couldn't keep it cool. He just had to cry and beg like some damn idiot. Now he wasn't even sure what had been apologizing for.

What he did know was that he felt devastated every time he woke up and Harvey wasn't there. He just wanted to know why Harvey hadn't been there earlier. He bit his tongue hard to try and stop himself from crying. But he couldn't. He couldn't do anything. He couldn't even get up and go to the toilet by himself. And he just couldn't be himself. He was someone else. Someone who was weak and confused, needy and fucking dying. He couldn't do anything to stop it, but he didn't want to die. He wanted it to stop. It wasn't fair. He wanted help. He wanted for it to feel okay with being the way he was now, but he had trouble with feeling that way. He wanted Harvey to tell him.

Harvey was just sitting there now, looking sadly at him. Mike wanted to reach out for him, to just hold him there. Make him stay.

"You are okay." Harvey said then. "It's all okay now Mike."

He shook his head. "Sorry." A few tears escaped. He wiped them away. "Sorry." He whispered.

Harvey put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a tissue and carefully wiped Mike's face. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe.

"Shhh..shhh." Harvey mumbled. "It's fine. You're fine. I'm right here."

"Yeah… just, I'm just…I'm sorry." He didn't even know why it felt important to say it. It just felt like he had to. He squirmed a bit under Harvey's hand on his shoulder.

"What are you sorry about Mike?"

"Everything."

"Oh, you are sorry for everything." Harvey said gently. "Could you maybe narrow it down just a bit?"

"For being like this."

"Are you apologizing for having cancer?"

"No…no I… It's just that, for being like this." He said again. He wasn't making much sense, he knew that, but it only made him more frustrated. "It's not me!" He exclaimed.

"I know Mike. But I keep telling you that it's okay. Don't worry. And I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"No, you don't, you don't have to. No. I mean" He had to pause. He drew with his hand forcefully over his mouth. "I can't do it… Harvey I can't do it."

Harvey didn't even ask what it was he couldn't do.

"You need to relax." He just said and then he got up and sat down on Mike's bed next to him. It wasn't much room for him since Mike was close to the edge, but Harvey didn't seem to care. He laid down so that they were shoulder to shoulder. Mike didn't bother with trying to move away to give him more space.q

"I'm going to stay right here. Go to sleep." Harvey said.

After a couple of minutes Mike could feel how the pressure that had been laying over his chest eased up a little bit. He did his best in trying to follow Harvey's orders. The pressure from Harvey's shoulder next to him kept him grounded and he could close his eyes.

"Harvey?" he asked after a few minutes.

"Mike." Harvey tiredly answered him.

"When I get worse. You won't leave then right? I know that you can't stay all the time, but I just feel like…like I'm not getting better. And then…"

"You will get better soon. Just give it time."

"But I don't have time." Mike argued and tried to look at Harvey. But he was just laying there with his eyes closed. Basically ignoring him. "I don't have time." he repeated.

"Sure you do. Mike, I think you should try and get some rest now. I'll stay here."

Mike swallowed but stopped talking. Clearly Harvey didn't want to talk about this. Somehow he felt disappointed. It was something that he felt that they maybe needed to talk about before something happened to him, because there was a high possibility that something might. What if they wouldn't be able to talk then? But he didn't want to bring it up again in case Harvey would get too upset and leave him. So for now he closed his eyes again and tried to relax.

-SUITS-

Harvey didn't know if Mike was able to tell how tense he was laying there next to him. Mike had his eyes closed now, but he still had that pained expression that Harvey hated seeing on his face. He knew what he had just done. Mike had wanted to talk about not making it, but Harvey had just dismissed him. He was a coward. But he didn't care. He didn't want to have this conversation with Mike. Not now. For now he was just going to stay there laying next to Mike until he felt a little better.

Harvey didn't know when that was going to happen though. That Mike would feel better. At least the kid wasn't getting worse right now. It was like Mike was in a stable bad condition. He was really sick and weak, but he wasn't getting that much worse. At least not what Harvey could see, but Mike had told him that he wasn't getting better. Harvey had gone cold with worry at those words. He hated hearing it. Mike couldn't think like that, but Harvey wasn't sure about what he could say to stop Mike's bad thoughts.

Mike was really sick though. He could barely walk by himself and he still had the IV. It was a while ago since he had been on treatment. Apparently they didn't want to risk it now. They had been told that Mike needed to feel a little bit better to continue.

"When will that be then?" Mike had asked. "What if that won't happen?"

Someone had reassured Mike then, that it was only a matter of time.

Time. That word held so much more meaning to them now than it ever had. This was really a war against time. Anything could happen at any time and all they could do was wait.

A few days passed. Harvey tried to stay as close to Mike as he could. Mike deserved that much. Harvey had felt so guilty when he had heard how Mike apologized for how he was behaving when Harvey had returned to his room after being out for a bit. Mike kept claiming that this wasn't who he was, and Harvey could understand him, but at the same time he didn't blame Mike at all.

Harvey himself would have been just as terrified as Mike was if the positions were changed. But now they weren't, so they just had to deal with. Mike always got back to the fact that he couldn't be alone. They hadn't really talked about what that came from. But Harvey had read somewhere that it was common among terminal patients that they got anxiety from being alone. Not that Mike was terminal. Anyway, Harvey tried to prevent Mike from feeling bad. It was all he did now. He didn't go to work at all, he claimed he worked from home if someone should ask. Not that anyone did. He had talked to Jessica and she had been very understanding.

Mike got rid of the IV after about a week with it. After that he slowly started eating again. That damn cough he had had was finally gone now and he was doing a little better. He still slept most of the day but was pretty coherent when he was awake. He was almost like the old Mike for one afternoon after a hospital visit. They joked around and Mike asked if they could watch a movie which day did.

"I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow." Mike said as the end credits rolled. "They are going to decide if I can start with the chemo again."

"Okay." Harvey said and looked at Mike. He had his eyes locked at the screen.

"I've been thinking Harvey. What if they say that I can't?"

"They are not going to say that Mike."

"I know, but what if they do?"

"They won't Mike. You are doing better."

There was a pause before Mike nodded a little. "Yeah okay." He quietly mumbled and didn't say anything else. Harvey swallowed and was just about to say something else when he saw Mike's expression, but he stopped himself. What was he going to say anyway?

He wanted to curse himself a moment later when he just smiled when he met Mike's eyes. Mike didn't return his smile and didn't speak. He should say something. He knew what Mike wanted to talk about. It was just that he couldn't do it. He couldn't sit there and causally talk about the possibility that Mike might be too sick to receive more treatment.

His moment had passed five minutes later when Mike announced that he was going to bed. Harvey watched how he slowly walked towards the bathroom. Harvey clenched his teeth when he saw how Mike had to stop and lean against the wall for a moment before slipping through the door.

The next morning they were sitting in Mike's doctor's office and waiting for the results of Mike's latest test from last week. Mike was subdued and hadn't said much. He was sitting next to Harvey with his head bent down.

"You okay?" Harvey asked and put his hand on Mike's arm. Mike just shrugged.

It wasn't good news. In fact the news were terrible. Doctor Lundin had gotten a serious look on his face and explained to them that he still didn't feel comfortable with letting Mike go through chemo. At those words Mike drew a deep breath and Harvey put his hand on his shoulder and left it there.

"But..but what is going to happen then?" Mike asked. "You have to do something! I won't get anywhere if you don't…"

"We are not doing nothing Mike. You know that. Your medication is going to be a bit adjusted. We might increase a few of your doses."

"Great." Mike said.

"We are also looking into the possibility of another surgery, but it's still too early for that as well."

"Another surgery?" Harvey questioned.

They spent another hour discussing the matter before Mike asked to leave. The younger man didn't say a word during the car ride back home. Harvey tried engaging him in conversation but it didn't really work. Harvey's encouragement fell on deaf ears as Mike practically ignored him, but Harvey couldn't blame him. He could hear how hollow he sounded. Harvey felt a bit empty.

The doctor had told them to not lose hope and that they still had options. Mike's body and heart could still get stronger, but at the moment they didn't dare to risk putting Mike through the harsh treatment. But this was not what Mike, or Harvey for that matter, had been hoping for. At the hospital while Mike had been on a check-up he had called Donna and she was meeting them back at the apartment. He had already told her the news and hoped that what she might say would get through to Mike.

When they got home Mike when to lay down on the couch. He turned his head towards the back of the couch and just lay there in silence. It worried Harvey when Mike didn't respond when asked if he wanted company. He sat down on a chair anyway and waited until Donna showed up.

She then spent forty minutes alone with Mike, sitting close behind him stroking his back.

"He's asleep now." She said when she joined Harvey by the kitchen island. "He didn't say much." She added.

Harvey nodded. "It was bad news today. Not at all what he wanted to hear."

"Do you think he will break down?"

"Sooner or later."

It happened later. Donna stayed for dinner and Mike ate with them quietly. He answered when spoken to, but when he smiled at Donna it looked more like a grimace than a smile. It was clear that Mike didn't want to speak, because he changed the subject when Donna brought up his hospital visit. Donna kept throwing Harvey meaning looks, but she didn't get the opportunity to speak to Harvey alone that night. "Talk to him!" She had whispered in his ear when he hugged her goodnight, but that was it.

Harvey did try to do that, but Mike wouldn't listen. He turned his back on Harvey and mumbled that he was tired. So Harvey went to his own bed but decided not to sleep until he knew Mike was doing just that. It took about thirty minutes before he could hear muffled sounds from the other bed. It was like a knife in Harvey's chest. This was just what he had been expecting though. He didn't understand though, why Mike didn't call out for him. Of course Mike was upset, Harvey knew that he was. He slowly walked over and sat down on the edge of Mike's bed.

"Hi kid." He said and stroked Mike's back.

"I don't want to talk Harvey." Mike mumbled into the pillow he had pressed against his face.

"You don't have to. I'm here though. You will be fine. Everything will be fine Mike." He tried.

"I said I don't want to talk." Mike said, louder this time. He then shrugged Harvey's hand off him. "I'd like to be alone."

This surprised Harvey to the degree that he suddenly didn't know how to react.

"Eh… okay. Do you…you want me to just sit here then?"

Mike didn't answer so Harvey decided to take that as a yes. He spent close to forty minutes sitting there on the edge of the bed listening to how Mike tried to cry quietly into his pillow. It was agonizing and at one moment he felt a few of his own tears slid down his cheek. When he was sure Mike was asleep he went back to his own bed. He couldn't sleep right away though and lay awake staring up into the ceiling listening to Mike's breaths.

The next morning Adam arrived before the two of them had gotten out of bed. Harvey woke by the nurse standing next to Mike's bed checking something.

"Good morning. Did I wake you? Sorry." The nurse smiled and Harvey mumbled a good morning and hurried to the bathroom. He got to talk to Mike at the breakfast table a bit later.

"So, do you feel better today?" Harvey carefully asked.

Mike just shrugged his shoulders.

"You didn't want to talk last night. What was that about?" Harvey couldn't help but asking. Mike looked at him for a moment and opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. His cheeks had gotten a bit red. But then he seemed to decide to speak.

"No I didn't want to talk about it with because I know what you were going to say and it wasn't what I needed at that moment."

"What do you mean?" Harvey studied him.

"You were just going to say that everything will be okay, and I just felt like shit Harvey. Sometimes I just want to feel like shit without you trying to tell me that I'm wrong."

"I never said that you were wrong."

"That's not what I mean. What you are telling me is that what I'm feeling is wrong and that I should stop. That's not helping me. It makes me feel worse sometimes. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like crap when I should be thinking that it's all fine like you are saying."

"Mike, I have never said…"

"Are you even listening to me? Stop defending yourself."

Harvey paused. "I hear you." He said after a while.

"Good. Why don't you think about that for a bit then? I feel sick so I'm going to sleep some more now." Mike stood up and left his half eaten breakfast behind. Harvey watched him go and then closed his eyes for a long time. He wasn't good at this. This wasn't what he did. Feelings and everything that went with it. He had improved immensely since Mike got his diagnose, but he knew he still had limitations. He thought he understood what Mike was saying. He was basically saying that sometimes Mike wanted it to be okay to feel like crap. But what was Harvey supposed to say to him then? Okay, yes everything is crap, you are right? He couldn't do that.

Mike didn't have a good day. Adam looked a bit worried, but Harvey told him about the news that they gotten the day before.

"That might explain it…" Adam said. "But I'm going to keep a close eye on him. His heartrate worries me a bit. We might have to take him in later this afternoon."

"Keep me updated and call me if he needs me."

Mike was sleeping again and even in sleep he moved restlessly now and again. Harvey went out to the living room to see if he could get some work done. At least check his e-mails and maybe respond to a few of them. He had been at it for a few hours when he was interrupted.

"Harvey! Harvey! Get in here now!"

Adam was calling for him and Harvey went cold at his tone, he had never heard Adam sound like that before. Harvey rushed towards the bedroom but stopped dead in his track as he saw Mike. Harvey instantly felt sick at the sight of him. Adam was propping him up with his arms around Mike's shoulders, but the man's head hang limply from his neck. What made the sight terrifying was the blood smeared around Mike's mouth and down along his gray t-shirt that now stuck to the kid's chest. Harvey could see more of the dark liquid on the cover in Mike's lap and on the sheets.

"Something is wrong. He's throwing up blood. Call 911 right now." Adam calmly ordered Harvey. "Tell them to hurry and then come back and help me with him."

Harvey nodded and rushed for his phone. In less than a minute he was back at Mike's bedside after being promised an ambulance as soon as possible. He wouldn't admit it but he was so grateful for the nurse being there taking control of the situation by telling Harvey what to do.

Mike's eyes were open but he wasn't responding when they spoke to him. Harvey didn't think that he could. He wasn't really there, but was gasping and spluttering, trying to get rid of the blood in his mouth.

"Hold him up! Continue to talk to him." Adam thrusted Mike into Harvey's arms and turned away to do something that Harvey didn't pay attention to. "He needs to calm down." Adam told him from behind his back. Harvey was terrified at the sight of Mike. What was happening with him? What was this? Was Mike dying? It certainly looked that way.

"Mike, calm down." He said uselessly. "You are going to be fine." It was the only thing that came to him. To his amazement he managed to get through to Mike because he turned his head up to look at Harvey.

"What? What's…happening to me?" He croaked out to Harvey's surprise. "It's...blood."

"Yeah, I don't know Mike. I don't know. But I've called an ambulance. They will fix you up."

Mike coughed for a while and gulped. He wiped his mouth with the backside of his hand and stared with a terrified expression at the blood now smeared over it. His eyes flickered back to Harvey that with an enormous effort forced himself to smile at the kid. Mike didn't seem as reassured as Harvey had hoped, but Adam did thumbs up where he stood on Mike's other side.

"The…the…the bed." Mike panted. "Harvey…I'm sorry." Harvey followed Mike's gaze. The bedsheets were ruined.

"What? Are you joking? Screw the bed. I don't care Mike."

Mike didn't seem convinced but he leaned into Harvey's chest, too exhausted to sit up anymore. He left his arm in Adam's grip as he checked his pulse. Harvey wrapped an arm around him and stroke his back.

"It'll be okay." He hoped he wasn't lying.

"The bed." Mike mumbled again. "I didn't mean..."

"Mike, please kid. Don't worry about it. I told you I don't care about that. I can buy new beds, not new associates like you."

"Yeah…" Mike swallowed thickly. A little blood dropped down on the blanket over Mike's legs from the corner of his mouth and Harvey felt sick.

"Harvey… Har-Harvey."

"Yes Mike…" Harvey whispered.

"It's blood… I… blood. I'm… bleeding."

"Yeah." Harvey didn't know what to answer him other than that.

"I'm… I'm scared."

Harvey nodded. He could feel Mike shaking against him.

"I'm scared Harvey. I'm sc…scared."

"Shh… Don't be. It'll be okay. Help is on its way. I'll be here with you."

"You…will?"

Mike leaned back a little and coughed and as he did a fine spray of blood ended up on Harvey's shirt. Harvey hurried to draw Mike against him again so that he wouldn't notice. As Mike shook in his arms Harvey held him tighter.

"Of course." He said.

Adam left the room but squeezed Harvey's shoulder before he did. He led the paramedics into the room a few minutes later during which Mike had been quiet and Harvey had mumbled reassurances to him. Harvey reluctantly let go of Mike who was placed on a gurney. His eyes were closed as they put an oxygen mask over his face and Harvey had to restrain himself from stepping forward and shake the kid until he opened his eyes again.

Harvey and Adam had to follow the ambulance to the hospital and on the way Harvey questioned Adam on what had happened. But Adam just said that Mike had been sleeping just to wake up, say that he felt strange and that he needed to sit up. Not a minute later Mike started to throw up blood. While Adam described it Harvey couldn't help but to feel relieved that he hadn't had to witness that happening. It was bad enough to see the aftermath.

Mike was already being seen to when they arrived to the hospital. Donna came thirty minutes later. She had only been there for about ten minutes before a nurse came looking for Harvey.

"We have stopped the bleeding but we require your assistance at a test. Mr. Ross have asked for your presence." She said, smiled sympathetically at Donna and left. Harvey gave Donna a look before following her.

Mike was a mess. He was panting and squirming around on a table in the middle of a room filled with hospital staff. Harvey had been forced to put on some clothes as well. Harvey immediately walked over to him ignoring everyone else. As soon as Mike saw him, tears welled up in his eyes, like he wasn't able to control himself anymore.

"I don't want to do it." He whimpered and clasped Harvey's hand. "I don't."

"Do what?" Harvey looked up at the nearest hospital-person that explained that they needed to make sure Mike didn't have blood in his stomach and to do so they had to insert a tube down Mike's nose. Harvey could understand Mike's reluctance. He now understood his own job in the room. He put his hands along Mike's face and waited until he had eye contact.

"You have to do it. I'm so sorry Mike. I'll be with you the whole time." His hands got wet from Mike's tears and Harvey felt like an ass as Mike nodded.

Harvey got a spot, jammed in next to the heart monitor, but from it he could reach to hold the kid's hand. It was just awful and Harvey almost wanted to punch each and one of them by the time they were finished. They had been forced to hold Mike's head still after he probably unconsciously tried to pull away time after time. Harvey had to leave again after that since Mike had another test. He argued though. He had to.

Mike had been sedated when they got to see him again a while later.

"He was in a lot of pain." A doctor explained. They thought that the reason for Mike throwing up blood was a result of a bleeding ulcer. The reason for that was all the pills Mike had been taking.

"But doesn't that hurt?" Donna had asked. "Why wasn't noticed sooner."

"Mike is on a lot of painkillers. He might have felt something, but the medication worked to lessen his pain. However his condition is very serious at the moment. This has put a lot of pressure on his heart. It's most likely caused of all the stress he is going through. We are going to do another MRI so we can get a look at his heart as soon as possible." He paused and looked between Harvey and Donna.

"You do know what this means right?" He then asked, but didn't wait for them to answer. "The situation is critical. We can't just do nothing at this point, I brought up a possible operation before with you, right?"

They nodded.

"Right now I don't think Mike can handle it, but we might come to a point where we don't have a choice. Because of the ulcer we can't give him all the medication he needs without increasing it. If the ulcer gets worse…it might be bad."

Harvey stopped himself from rolling his eyes.

"However without the medication Mike will get worse, so do you see our dilemma? Whatever we do at this point something will get worse, that's why an operation might be an option, but we need to take a closer look at his heart first. Something might have changed from the last time."

"But you said he's not strong enough for an operation?" Harvey asked.

"We have to wait and see at this point, unfortunately. We are doing all we can for him. I'm afraid this will be very unpleasant for Mike though."

"Oh god." Donna whispered. She had tears in her eyes. Harvey felt numb.

-SUITS-

When he became somewhat aware of that he was awake he immediately regretted it. Everything hurt. He tried to stay as still as possible, because maybe it would lessen. It didn't. Worst were his stomach, but his throat hurt as well. He was some vague recollection of something being forced into him. His nose as well. Harvey had been there then.

He forced his eyes opened. He didn't recognize this hospital room. There was a lot of equipment there, he was connected to a lot of it. He blinked a bit to try and clear his eyes. His head hurt to now when he had his eyes opened. He groaned and heard movement to the side of him. Harvey's worried face came into his view.

"Hey Mike." Harvey whispered. Mike wanted to answer but his mouth wasn't really working as it should. He hoped that Harvey wouldn't care too much about that.

"Are you in pain?" Harvey asked next and Mike nodded a little. "Okay." Harvey mumbled.

A nurse was there the next minute but he didn't really notice any improvement.

"Your doctor will be here to talk to you. Just take it easy. You scared the crap out of Donna. And Adam." Harvey smiled at him. And you, Mike wanted to say. He could see how tense Harvey was. He was just pretending right now.

A surge of fear swept through him as he remembered the last time he had been at home. He had woken up and the next thing he knew there was blood everywhere, and it had come from his mouth. It was a whole new kind of terrified that he got to be then. This was more intense, then just the normal, I'm-going-to-die-form-cancer kind of fear. If he had had more energy he would have panicked. Now he had just leaned against Harvey and tried to clear his mind.

He wished he could change position. His stomach was really killing him. He carefully placed a hand on in. It made nothing to help. Harvey was still there, and Mike noticed that he was talking. He hadn't heard a word. Hopefully Harvey was fine with him not paying attention. He had other things to think about. Like the pain in his stomach.

A doctor arrived a while later. He spoke too. He tried to do something next to him as well, his hand was on Mike's shoulder.

"MIke, Mike, I need you to focus for a minute. I'm trying to make you more comfortable."

The doctor squeezed Mike's shoulder again and managed to get his attention this time. His eyes flickered up against the man standing there leaning over him. He made an effort of trying to stay still, now aware of that he had been twisting around on the bed.

"Does your stomach hurt Mike?"

He nodded.

"I'm sorry about that. We will try to work something out in a minute. I want to explain to you what has happened and what we are going to do to help you."

He was in deep shit apparently. No matter what they did, he was going to be in a lot of trouble. Harvey was standing there next to his bed the whole time the doctor was speaking. It was good that he was there. Mike hurt.

It was something with having to wait. He didn't want to wait at all. Somehow he passed out though. It was all confusing. He was in pain again when he woke up. He kind of lost it. Though he felt more aware, his head was clearer. That didn't help much at all. Harvey tried to help as well.

"Just try to relax a bit." He was saying. Mike wanted to hit him a little.

"No! I can't. Don't you get that? It hurts too much!" he yelled in Harvey's face. But the older man didn't seem faced by it at all.

"I know. I know." Was all he said.

Mike cursed at him. He decided to try and sit up a bit more. It turned out to be a really bad idea and he screamed right out when something stabbed him in his stomach. The next thing he knew there was a lot of people in the room. He screamed again when someone touched his stomach. He tried to hit them, get them away from him. Suddenly he felt really tired though.

The next time he woke up it was dark outside and he felt a lot better. They must have given him something.

Both Harvey and Donna was there this time and he managed to smile at them. Donna's eyes were a bit red.

"Hi sweetie." She said as she stroke his cheek. He leaned into her touch a little. After making sure he was okay and not dying of pain, she told him that she had spoken to everyone at the office and they sent their well wishes to him. He wanted to say that that was total bullshit, instead he thanked her and told her to send his greetings back to Rachel, Louis and Jessica. He was kind of relieved that they didn't come to see him. He didn't want them seeing him like this.

He had another visit from his doctor. He got everything explained to him again. The condition he was in was very serious he was told. His body was rejecting all the ways that the medical team had to help him. Chemo, radiation, medication…it would all kill him as well now. At least that what it sounded like. It wasn't like someone said it out loud. It was still all that crap about that it was still hope. He still had a change.

He didn't know what he thought about that. Of course he didn't want them to be like, oh you are definitely dying, but on the other hand he was sick of hearing that everything was fine. Not that they said it now. So that meant something he guessed.

"But Mike, the fact that you still are here and still are fighting that's a good sign. You are hanging on there and doing an excellent job." His doctor told him. "Depending on your night and how you are feeling tomorrow we will schedule an MRI for you. When we know what's up with your heart we'll know the next step. And operation might be a possibility."

That was all he got. Another operation didn't sound good. He was so much worse than the last time, and that had been rough. Would he be able to survive another operation?

Was he going to die now? It felt surreal. Somehow he had never thought that he was going to die. He had believed it in his heart all this time that somehow he would make it. Beat the odds. But that thought had started to change now. He didn't want to think about it but it was so hard not to. It was present at all times.

He suspected that everyone at the hospital thought that he was going to die. He could feel it in the way they looked at him. Everyone was so nice to him as well. He wasn't sure if he liked that. Some nurses almost talked to him like he was a child. But actually if he was honest with himself he didn't mind that so much.

It all really scared him though, because he really didn't want to die. He wanted to live with all he had. If he just could fight a little bit more. The problem was just that he didn't know how to do anything differently. He felt like he couldn't. He tried to eat and rest and he let them do all they wanted to him, what else could he do to better his odds?

The helplessness was one of the worst feelings. Like no matter what he did, there were just so much they could do for him. They had been reluctant to give him some of the pain medication last night since they were worried it might cause his heart more trouble if his ulcer got worse. More stress was the term they used. His heart was stressed.

Sometimes he hated his heart. It felt like it was betraying him. Like it was doing its own race and Mike was just a passenger along for the ride. Right now they were steering towards a cliff. He had no options left that would let him avoid it.

He didn't know how to deal with it all. He wanted to talk about it. He did. He wanted to talk to Harvey. He just wished that the older man would be open to have the conversation. He had tried a few times, just to discuss the possibility that he might not make it. But Harvey refused. He had changed the subject or done something to quiet him every time he had tried. He knew that it was hard for Harvey. But it was hard for Mike too. It was so hard. And he felt like he was going to explode if something didn't lit up a bit. He didn't know what would happen then.

He had embarrassed himself a lot lately. Cried, screamed and cursed. If he exploded he didn't know what would happen. Maybe it would end him?

Harvey didn't leave his side now though. He had been there the whole day. The older man looked so tired now. He had dark circles below his eyes and his hair was untidy. Donna had reluctantly left about an hour ago and Mike had been more or less awake ever since.

A hospital staff was checking up on him several times per hour now. At least he was pretty sure of that. He didn't have a perfect sense of time. Sometimes when he closed his eyes a little things had changed a bit when he opened them again, so it was possible he fell asleep.

It was getting harder to form coherent thoughts, which didn't make it easier to form somewhat coherent sentences as answers to all the questions he was asked all the time. They shook his arm and quietly asked him to do this or that, or wanted him to answer some of their stupid questions. Did he know where he was? Was he in any pain? How was his breathing? Could he move to his side? Harvey asked him stuff too. Mike wanted to answer his questions the most.

The night passed like that. At least he thought it was the night. He wasn't sure. Once when he was woken up by a nurse Harvey was sleeping in a chair next to him, so he guessed it was nighttime then.

He woke up early in the morning in a lot of pain. He had cried a bit then. Maybe he had even begged for someone to help him? He wasn't entirely sure. Hopefully not. A lot of people had been there in the room with him. He remembered Harvey's pale face, and himself reaching for him. Better not think about that.

They took him for an MRI. He slept through it. That was the first time he did that, he hadn't thought that would be possible. He was just that tired.

"Mike! Mike, come on. Wake up for me, kid."

Mike opened his eyes and saw Harvey staring down at him. When he saw that Mike was awake, he got a strange, relived look on his face. "You doctor is here to talk to us." He said.

It took a while for Mike to be aware enough to be able to see that someone else was in the room. Not just one, but three of this doctors. Something turned in his stomach when he looked at their faces. This wasn't going to be good news.

It wasn't. Something was wrong with his heart. Or he knew that from before, but something was worse and it had gotten the doctors very worried. They said that they wanted to operate on him again. They needed to remove some stuff on his heart.

"However we need to wait Mike. We need to wait until you are feeling stronger."

"And when is that going to be?" Harvey asked.

"Right now, Mike is not in a position to be able to make it through this kind of surgery, but it has to be as soon as possible. We are going to keep you here until then and monitor you closely."

All Mike could do was nod. He didn't know what else to say. He let Harvey handle all the questions.

"You keep saying that he isn't strong enough to make it through the surgery. But what are the chances of the surgery being successful when he is feeling better."

There was a pause.

"The surgery might buy Mike some time, but I have to be honest. It is not looking good right now. There is a high possibility that the surgery won't succeed."

"So he might not…you know…" Harvey said quietly.

"The procedure is very risky." Was the only answer Harvey got, and Mike saw how they all looked at him.

"So it might kill me?" He asked. He found it a bit hard to focus now. Things were blurry.

"It might Mike." The doctor said.

"I…I don't want to do it then." He swallowed hard, his mouth dry.

His doctor nodded slowly and looked sympathetically at him. "I know Mike." He said. "But unfortunately you might not have a choice at this point. As I said have discovered a rather large mass or tumors on your heart that eventually will lead to heart failure or something similar. If we don't act towards it…"

He paused and Mike just stared at him.

"Right now the surgery is your best option Mike. We are going to wait a few days to try and get you a bit better before it, but it has to be soon I'm afraid."

"A few days?" Mike repeated.

"Yes."

"And it's the only option?" Harvey asked.

"Chemo and radiation wouldn't be fast acting enough. Otherwise wee would have tried that. But your condition is too bad to handle that now."

"Okay." Harvey said.

"I know this is a lot to take in and I'm sorry I don't have better news Mike. But there is a chance that the surgery will work. If you don't have any other questions I'll leave you alone for a bit."

They hadn't and Harvey heavily sat down as soon as the door closed.

"Damn It." He mumbled and hid face in his hands for a moment. Mike watched him.

"Sorry." He found himself saying.

Harvey removed his hand and looked at him with an angry expression. "What are you talking about?"

Mike didn't answer because he didn't know what to say. Harvey shook his head a bit.

"Don't be. You are doing the best you can. You'll make it through this as well."

Mike sighed but didn't answer. He needed to go through another surgery or he would die for sure. He looked at Harvey. He stared forward with an empty look.

"What if I don't make it? What if I die during the surgery?"

"You are not going to do that."

"But there is a possibility."

"Mike…"

"Can we just talk about this. Can you not change the subject? What is your problem Harvey?"

Harvey rolled his eyes and clenched his teeth before finally meeting Mike's eyes.

"What do you want to say?" he asked.

"I'm not ready Harvey. I'm just not ready for it to end." He said slowly not looking away from Harvey.

Harvey took a long time to answer. He nodded though. "I get that Mike. It's not anything you can be ready for I guess."

"No it's not!"

"It's not for certain Mike."

Mike ignored his comment. "But shouldn't I though, be prepared I mean? Or be preparing. I mean it sounds on them like I should be. Right?"

"Like I said Mike. Nothing is for certain."

"Says you, not them."

"Mike…" Harvey sighed and Mike felt like yelling at him.

"So we should just leave it at that and not talk about it then? Is that your solution to this? Never talk about it until it's too late."

"I didn't say it was." Harvey tiredly said.

"We never talk about that it actually might happen. That I might not make it."

"Damn it Mike! What is there to talk about? What would it help if we did?"

"I don't know Harvey! Because we have never tried it."

Harvey stood up. "You know what Mike maybe you should find someone else to talk about this with then."

"Why?" Mike pushed.

"I'm not the right person for this!"

"That's not really up to you to decide, is it? It's my decision."

"It's my decision too, and I'm not going to talk about it."

"Why not Harvey? I want to know why. Please." He felt like he deserved that much and he was desperate to keep Harvey in the room.

Harvey had started to pace in the small space next to his bed but now he stopped and turned towards Mike.

"Because I don't want to Mike. Because it's hard and because I don't want to think about it. I just don't. I refuse to think like that."

"But you do think about it don't you? Because I think about it all the time. And so what if it's hard? By the way you are not the one dying."

"I know that and of course I think about it. Of course I do Mike. But I don't want to." Harvey sat down again.

Mike sat up a bit straighter. He felt like this conversation that they were having right now was an important one, he had gotten Harvey's attention and the older man had caved to his will. They were doing this.

"Harvey, just because we talk about it doesn't mean that it will happen. It doesn't mean that I'm giving up or something."

"I know."

"Do you? Because I think that's what you think. You are scared that if we talk about it, if you talk about it, it will happen. But I can't just ignore it. Not anymore. If it happens Harvey, if I die, I just wish we could have talked about it just once."

"But why Mike? Why is it so important to you that we do?"

"Because I need to know that's it's okay!" He exclaimed. He hadn't been planning on saying this, but now it just flew out of him.

Harvey was watching him. "That what is okay?" He asked slowly. Almost like he didn't want to know the answer.

"That I couldn't make it. I don't want to die feeling guilty." Mike felt how his face was heating up.

"Why the hell would you feel guilty?"

"Because I wasn't strong enough to survive." They were looking straight into each other's eyes. "Because I was too weak."

"I don't want you to ever think like that Mike." Harvey said forcefully.

"I think I will though." Mike answered stubbornly. "I mean you keep saying that it will be fine, that I will get through this, but what if I can't? There. Guilt."

"But it won't be your fault! Why would you feel guilty about something that won't be your fault?" Harvey's voice had lowered in volume.

Mike shrugged a little and blinked a few times. "So you won't' be… I don't know, mad or disappointed if I can't make it?"

"Are you kidding me? Of course I won't! Did you think I would? Honestly?" Back to a raised voice.

Mike couldn't help but roll his eyes. "I don't know. It's probably what I would think, yes. How should I know? We have never talked about it?"

"Fine Mike, you win. We can talk about it if that is what you want. We can talk about the fact that you might die."

"We kind of are, aren't we? I have already won." Mike sank back down against the pillows suddenly feeling hesitant. He hadn't expected Harvey's hard words. The other man was breathing hard and looked angry.

"This is a weird competition." Harvey said after a moment and sat down heavily on the edge of Mike's bed.

"Yeah, we probably shouldn't call it that."

"No." Harvey agreed and got quiet. Mike didn't say anything either. He was staring down in his lap.

"So, what do you want to talk about?" Harvey asked after a moment. He seemed to have calmed down a little.

Mike didn't answer at first. He just sat there.

"You will take care of everything right?" he then asked quietly, his voice suddenly shaking a little.

"Yes." Harvey just said. He didn't ask what Mike meant, but Mike didn't need him to. He trusted Harvey that he would do what was necessary in case the surgery was a failure or if something else happened and he died. He had just wanted to hear the older man say it to his face. That was all. It was what he had needed to hear. That and that Harvey wouldn't blame him if he did die. If he was going to die he didn't want to be doing it in panic with the thought that he was doing something wrong. He wanted Harvey just be by his side no matter what. He wanted to die feeling supported in that he did everything he could with what he had. And Harvey had just confirmed his wants and needs. Maybe not in those words but it was enough for Mike. Harvey looked sincere.

Now he didn't really feel like talking about this anymore. It felt kind of stupid since he had been the one to ask for the conversation. But there was one more thing he needed to ask.

"You will be there?"

"You know I will."

Mike nodded slowly as a feeling he couldn't explain spread through him at Harvey's words. He felt close to tears now and he wanted to stop. This was it, it was exactly what he had wanted to hear. He wanted to go back to joking and talking about nothing special. He started to feel stupid. Did Harvey expect him to continue? He didn't want to, because the tears was just below the surface and he didn't have the energy to force them away.

"Can we stop?" he blurted out.

"Stop what?"

"Talking about this?"

Mike thought Harvey was going to argue with him, but he just nodded. "Sure." He said. "Anything you want Mike."

"Good." He paused. "Maybe we could talk about it some other time?"

Harvey nodded. "We can. If you want to we can. I can."

Mike was grateful that Harvey didn't give him a hard time on insisting that he wanted to talk and then chickened out when they actually did. He rubbed his eyes to get rid of the annoying moisture that had been gathering there. Harvey sat there, still watching him making and him feel embarrassed. He was such a mess!

"Thank you." Mike said. He tried to relax down into the pillows. He closed his eyes. "For everything."

"Yeah…" Harvey whispered. Then he sniffed! Mike's eyes flew open again. Harvey had tears in his eyes! He was looking at Mike and making no effort of hiding the fact that he was crying. Mike couldn't help but stare at the older man. He had never seen Harvey like this before.

"What…" Mike started to say, but stopped. Harvey didn't say anything but pressed his lips hard together. Mike moved his hand and put it over Harvey's. "Harvey…" He whispered.

Harvey just turned his hand over and grasped Mike's hard in his. He didn't say anything but more tears streamed down his face as he sniffed again. His chin trembled and he drew a shaky breath. Mike let his own tears lose then. Why hide it if Harvey didn't?

He was aching at the sight of Harvey's devastation. It was because of him, he was doing this to Harvey. At the same time he felt touched. His mind wandered back to the first weeks when he had known Harvey. Harvey had given him a lecture about how he didn't care at all about Mike or anyone else for that matter. Mike knew since long that it was just bullshit. Harvey cared enormously, and at this very moment he couldn't be bothered by keeping up his façade. That was something Mike was grateful for, that more than anything made him feel better. Maybe it shouldn't have, but it did. It comforted him and he kept Harvey's hand in his and slowly moved his thumb up and down Harvey's fingers. Just like Harvey had done for him on many occasions.

For the first time he felt truly calm as his eyes drifted close. Everything was going to be okay, whatever happened he felt fine with it now. He was ready for it whatever it was. He felt fully supported. Harvey was there and he wasn't alone. He slowly drifted off to sleep.

-SUITS-

Okay, first of all. Sorry for the long wait for this chapter. Life just gets in between sometimes as you know. But to make up for it I'll upload two chapter at the same time now. I had intended it to be just one chapter because I knew how I wanted it to end before I started the next chapter. But as usual I wrote so much in between that so I had to divide it into two. 20 000 words for one chapter felt to long.

I intend to start to finish this story now. I know how it is going to end now. I'm thinking it will be a few more chapter, but when i starting to write I always get more ideas that I want to write. So I do.

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed this one! It is a bit heavy. The next chapter won't be much happier I'm afraid.