Chapter 57.
When he woke up he couldn't breathe. The first instinct he had was to try and sit up, but he couldn't do it. His muscles wouldn't cooperate with his brain and do what he told them. The only thing he managed was a little jerk upwards that didn't help with the breathing at all. On the other hand sitting up wouldn't help either. He used what little air he had to grunt out what he had meant to be help me, I can't breathe, but it wasn't really any words.
He got the meaning across though because he heard someone swear and a minute later hands were on him and he got an oxygen mask placed over his face. It was one of the best feelings in the world he decided then, to be able to take a deep breath of air.
Someone told him that he would have to keep it for a while. Mike didn't mind at all. At least not at first. It was a bit annoying to talk with the mask on. Harvey kept asking him things and when he answered he really had to concentrate on making himself understood.
"What?" Harvey asked for the fourth time and Mike just rolled his eyes at him and shrugged then.
"Nothing important then I guess." Harvey said. "But you know what Mike, I have something important that I want to talk to you about. Are you up for it?"
Mike nodded, he didn't bother talking. But he felt himself becoming a bit more alert because Harvey was leaning close to him and he had this weird look on his face. Was he excited? Mike wasn't sure. And why on earth would he be excited about?
"What… is it? You look weird." He said. Harvey looked like a question mark.
"Eh… yeah sure. Look. I don't know what you are saying." Harvey smirked at him and Mike wasn't sure if he was serious or not.
"Maybe it's a good thing that you suck at talking right now. I wanted to tell you something."
Mike glared at him. He didn't suck at talking.
"There was a doctor that approached me last night, Mike. She is researching a new form of treatment and is starting a first trial for patients now and she wants to test you to see if you are able to participate."
Mike stared at him. What was Harvey talking about? More tests and treatments? That didn't really sound all that exciting to Mike. He felt his energy droop again and he decided that he would rather sleep some more than talking. After all, he was able to breathe now, so that would make it easier to fall asleep again.
"Mike, come on! Don't fall back asleep." Harvey groaned and Mike smiled a little. Then he fell asleep.
"Oh good. You are awake." Harvey said next time Mike opened his eyes. "Can you just stay this way now. I want to talk to you. We are just going to wait for Dr. Lundin."
Mike blinked a bit and nodded.
"Is your breathing better?" Harvey asked.
"I don't know." Mike answered. "I still have this thing on. How can I know?"
"Ehh… yes. Whatever. We'll just wait for your doctor." Harvey said.
Doctor Lundin arrived a few minutes later and Harvey seemed happy that he had stayed awake.
"So, Mike. Do you remember what I said before you passed out?" Harvey asked a while later when Mike had gotten help to get rid of the oxygen mask. His breathing was good enough for him to be without it. He just had to have the nasal cannula, but he was used to that.
"Sure." Mike said. He blinked a few times and then recited word for word what Harvey had said.
Harvey rolled his eyes at him and Mike thought he mumbled something about showing off.
"Well, do you understand what that means Mike?"
They were talking to him like he was stupid or something? Sure he had closed his eyes for a while when he talked, but that didn't mean he was stupid. His eyes were just a bit dry that was all.
Now they didn't even wait for him to answer. "It means that you can take part in a trial for a new drug Mike. They believe that it might actually work in reducing your cancer." Harvey said.
"If you allow me to be frank here," Mike's doctor said then "it is a very small chance Mike. We just wanted to inform you about this. When you are feeling a bit better you can get to meet Dr. Jansson if you like."
"You are meeting her." Harvey said now. I've read about this study Mike, and I think it's worth a shot."
"You can always do the necessary tests to see if you can take part, Mike, but I don't want you to get your hopes up too much."
Mike studied the two men. He honestly had a hard time following what was being said, but he wasn't keen on revealing that. His doctor looked a bit uncomfortable and Harvey looked almost happy and more alert than usual. That seemed to be a good sign.
"What does it mean?" Mike asked.
"It means that you get to try a new drug that hasn't been tested before. It might work Mike." Harvey said.
"Harvey, please. We talked about this." Dr. Lundin said.
"What am I supposed to tell him then?" Harvey asked irritably.
"Well, Mike, we just wanted you to know about this. You will get to meet Dr. Jansson in a few days and you will get more information from her then. For now all I want you to do is rest. Do you think you can do that?"
Mike looked at Harvey. He didn't look as happy anymore. Mike wasn't really sure of why. It made him feel a bit unsecure.
"Okay." He said hesitantly looking at Harvey again. Harvey just nodded once at him before turning back to the doctor. They headed a bit further away from him and Mike had trouble hearing what they were saying. He guessed it wasn't meant for him anyways. So he just laid there in bed watching how Harvey spoke.
Eventually the doctor left and Harvey stepped up to Mike again. Harvey smiled a little at him.
"You know what Mike?" He said. "Why don't you get some more sleep. It looks like you need it."
"I don't think I got what it was about." Mike noticed that he slurred a little. But Harvey probably understood anyway.
"That's fine. I'll tell you later."
"You will?
"Of course. Don't worry about it. Go to sleep."
So Mike did.
He felt a bit better when he woke up again. Donna was there this time so that was a nice surprise.
She leaned over and hugged him when she saw that he was awake.
"How are you feeling?"
Mike thought about that for a while. "Tired." He said.
"All you do is sleep. How can you still be tired?" Harvey said from the other side of Mike.
"Harvey. Be nice." Donna told him.
"I am nice. I'm just wondering."
Mike was wondering too. But a doctor and a nurse was there the next minute so he didn't really have that much time to do that. He didn't get much clearity in the whole being tired thing. They wanted to take him for an MRI, which he didn't like at all. But Donna said that she would go with him. Harvey disappeared somewhere after saying that he would be back later.
Two more days passed that was much of the same. Nothing really happened expect that Mike slept like all the time. He got a bit confused from all the sleeping. He wondered if he slept too much. He almost felt dizzy when he woke. He dreamt a lot too. Sometimes it wasn't so pleasant. He would wake up then and for a moment he didn't know what was real or not. That always scared him.
One night was practically bad. He woke and just had this urge to leave. He wanted to get out his damn hospital room. He didn't want to be there anymore. He groaned and Harvey was there. Somehow he always appeared when Mike needed him.
"What is it?" Harvey whispered now. "Mike, calm down. What is it?"
"I want to go home." Mike mumbled and fumbled after Harvey's arm. Harvey sighed a little and took Mike's hand in his.
"I know the feeling." He said.
"You want to leave too?" Mike asked and swallowed hard. He felt nauseated.
"Yeah." Harvey said, but then he squeezed Mike's hand a bit harder. "But not without you, kid."
Mike smiled a little.
"When do you think it will?"
"I don't know Mike. You are not doing so well right now, they won't let you leave yet."
"Harvey, tell me about that trial for a new treatment." Mike asked. They hadn't really talked about it that much more after the time with Dr. Lundin.
"Alright." Harvey said. "I'll tell you all I know."
So Harvey did tell Mike all that he knew then. Mike listened in silence.
"Do you think it will work?" Mike asked.
"I have to believe it will Mike. I want to believe that. But as I said, they are all very careful of promising anything. I don't know how much to believe."
"But do you think I should do it?"
"What do you think?"
"I don't want to die. I'll try anything."
"That's the spirit!" Harvey smiled. "How about I get that doctor here tomorrow so we can talk about it more with her?"
"Okay."
"So do you think you can get some sleep now then?" Harvey looked at his gift from Mike. "It's four thirty Mike…"
"Okay." Mike mumbled. "But can you just stay until I fall asleep?" He asked.
"Of course." Harvey said. "But hurry up would you. I'm exhausted." He smirked a bit when Mike looked at him.
"Good night Harvey."
"More like good morning."
"Whatever."
Mike closed his eyes and felt Harvey's hand still in his own. It was warm against his own colder one. A new kind of treatment. Something never tried on humans before and he might get to be one of the test persons. He had a hard time feeling something about this. He felt a bit numb. He wanted to put his hopes to this, but what if it didn't work. He knew how damaged his body was, how truly ill he was. He was lucky to still be here. It had been close on several occasions. And it could still happen anytime. He could still die whenever. He knew that. But it wasn't something he liked to think about. He didn't to think about it at all. That was what was great about sleeping a lot. He didn't have to think then. He didn't have to think about that he was dying. Because thinking about that destroyed him. He hugged Harvey's hand harder.
"Shhh… sleep will you." Harvey muttered and Mike felt better. He drifted of shortly after that.
-SUITS-
While Mike had a nurse with him Harvey went to find Dr. Lundin to get Dr. Jansson over. It was time that they all talked about this. He had spent almost an hour in the middle of the night with Mike, telling him about the treatment. Mike hadn't said much but he had wanted company after their talk. Harvey had thought that he was asleep but then Mike had suddenly squeezed his hand as hard as he could probably, and Harvey had known the kid was upset. He had managed to calm Mike down though, just by sitting there next to him, half asleep himself. It was so boring caring for Mike sometimes. It was so much of just sitting around waiting, doing nothing. Or well he was doing something of course. He was comforting Mike. And that was important. Harvey had learnt how to just sit there by now. He could sit next to the kid for hours doing nothing. He was an expert now.
He found the doctor in his office and requested a meeting.
"I'll get in contact with her, and we can meet in Mike's room." The other man suggested. Harvey was fine with that. Before Harvey turned around to walk out of the office the doctor got up and held out a hand to stop him.
"Harvey, I do have to warn you about getting your hopes up too much about Dr. Jansson's trial. It's a very long shot, like I have said."
"You don't think it will work, do you?" Harvey had to ask.
"If I'm honest. No, I don't."
"So you think he will die anyway." Harvey said. "But then I don't see a reason as to not try it. It might work and if it doesn't, at least I will know that we tried." He thought he sounded cold but the other man didn't react.
"I agree to some extent Harvey, but we don't know what this will do to Mike. We know nothing about the side effects."
"We know enough to go through it. Mike wants to do it."
The doctor sighed a little but nodded. "Of course. I just wanted to warn you."
"And now you have. Thank you."
"Harvey, wait!"
Harvey stopped half way into the corridor.
"What if this is Mike's last days or weeks alive? Do we then want him to be in worse pain from side effects from this trial treatment? I'm just asking that you consider what it might bring with it."
Harvey just nodded and left. He didn't have an answer to that. He didn't want to think about it either.
Mike was mostly awake while they waited. He didn't speak much, but that wasn't something new. It was the illness fault. It deprived Mike of his voice as well as everything else. At least Mike's will to talk as much as he had before all this. Harvey felt restless as they waited. He just wanted to get this talk over with so they could start testing Mike and getting him on the trial.
The nurse had Mike sitting up on his bed. They said that they wanted him to start to get more mobile. Apparently the first step was sitting up. Mike wasn't that successful at it. He seemed to have trouble holding up his own head, because it kept jerking down suddenly and Mike lifted it up again with a confused look.
"Maybe you should lean back so you won't break your neck?" Harvey suggested.
"What…?" Mike asked.
"Never mind. Get some rest."
"I thought we… we were going to..."
Harvey waited for a moment, but nothing else came. "We are waiting for your doctor." Harvey helped him out.
"Right." Mike blinked slowly. It looked like he was going to pass out. Harvey handed him a glass of water but changed his mind and held it for Mike as he carefully took a few sips.
He was still awake when Dr. Jansson, without her assistant this time, and Dr. Lundin showed up. She introduced herself to Mike saying it was nice to meet him. Mike just nodded a little.
"He is a bit tired." Harvey explained.
"Should we take this now anyway, Mike? Or do you want to get some sleep first?" Dr. Lundin asked and Harvey could understand why he asked.
"No it's fine." Mike said after a moment.
"So Mike, I don't know how much you have heard already about this trial that I'm working on, but I want to tell you everything myself regardless." Dr. Jansson started. Mike nodded again and she started telling Mike everything she had told Harvey the other day.
After speaking about what the treatment was aimed to do she started to get in on possible side effect and then told them a little about how the treatment plan would look like. That was news to Harvey.
"It is going to be intense Mike. At least as intense as we believe your body and especially your heart can handle. You will go through chemo and radiation as well to help speed along the process. It will be tough."
She paused and looked at Mike. He didn't answer.
"He will be able to handle it. He has been through enough to know what it's like. We want to take part in the trial." Harvey said speaking on Mike's behalf.
"Mike?" Dr. Jansson asked.
Mike didn't really react. He kept looking in the general direction of the doctor. He didn't look all that well to be honest.
"Mike?" Harvey asked. "You with us? Have you been following?" He wasn't sure Mike had. It didn't look like it. But Mike looked up at them and blinked slowly.
"I'm with…Harvey." He said after a long pause.
Harvey nodded. "You heard him. Do it!"
Dr Jansson nodded and told them that she would be back later when Mike felt better to discuss the details and start the tests.
They let Mike rest the next day but then Dr. Janson and her associate Emil came to talk and then the day after that start the necessary test to determine if Mike would be able to take part in the trial or not. They wanted to test everything. They took blood, tested his heart in different ways by having Mike do different breathing exercises. He was also taken to an MRI again and a bunch other test that Harvey lost track of. Poor Mike was exhausted that afternoon.
"They are not coming back now right?" Mike said and worriedly looked at the door as if he thought it would burst open at any minute.
"I think you are fine."
"Can I sleep then Harvey?" Mike looked at him wide eyes and Harvey couldn't help to smile.
"You can sleep. You did good today."
"Okay." Mike said, turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. He was sleeping seconds later.
They had gotten more info about the trial now. They would inject Mike with the drug just like with the chemo. It could cause strong reactions in Mike and it was possible that they had to pull him out of it if Mike's reactions were too severe.
Harvey and Mike had talked about it, the side effects.
"It can't be much worse than chemo right?" Mike had said.
"I don't know, I think it can Mike. They have earned us about it. And besides they don't know what might happen."
"I don't care Harvey." Mike had said with a determination Harvey hadn't heard him use in a long time. "I want to do it anyway. I want to try and see if it can make me survive. And Harvey, if I do survive, everything will be worth it."
"Even if it means that you will be in constant pain for months?" Harvey has to ask.
"Yes. Because you will be there to help me. Right?"
"You know I will."
"Good. Thanks. Then I'll do it." Mike said locking eyes with Harvey. He could see the determination in the younger man. Mike was prepared to do this.
It was decided then. They were doing this. That night Mike had expressed something else as well.
"What if it actually works Harvey." Mike had quietly said.
"Yeah…" Harvey had only answered. He didn't want to say so much more.
"What if I can survive?"
Harvey had just leaned forward and squeezed Mike's shoulder. But with all that he had he hoped that Mike's wish would come true.
The next day held a few final test and after that all they had to do was to wait for the test results. Mike didn't have much trouble with the waiting he just slept. Harvey on the other hand thought he would go crazy. They had gotten no indication of how long they would have to wait.
"Not too long." Dr. Jansson had answered when Harvey had asked. That was a stupid answer. Harvey spent most of that evening walking back and forth in Mike's room and questioned every person who walked into the room if there was any news. He didn't really care if they knew what he was talking about or not. Most of them didn't. At least Donna came to visit and they talked the whole thing over. Harvey told her what Mike had said the other night. To Harvey's annoyance they didn't get any answers that day. They had some of the results all ready but not all of them. They were still waiting on a few more, Harvey was told.
Mike was feeling nauseated the next morning and wasn't in the mood of talking or doing much of anything. He had a headache as well and wanted the room to be dark and quiet. Harvey felt somewhat bad for him but also for himself. He was restless and bored. All he did was wait now. Wait for those damn results.
Finally Dr. Jansson appeared. She stepped inside and saw that Mike was asleep, so she then mentioned for Harvey to come with her. He threw a glance at Mike before following her out into the hallway.
"I just wanted to quickly have a word with you Harvey. This is not definitive yet but I wanted to give you a heads up."
"What are you talking about Harvey asked?"
"We still haven't gotten all the results yet Harvey as you know, so this is not for sure."
"What is?"
"I'm so sorry to tell you this Harvey, but by the looks of some of Mike's test results it's likely that he can't take part in the trial. He's just too sick."
"What…what are you saying?"
"We don't think this will treatment will turn him around. All depends on the last test result and whether his values are good enough or not. If they are, yes he is in. But unfortunately I don't think they will be and we can't risk his life like this."
Harvey stared at her for a few seconds before words came to him.
"But if he doesn't take part in this trial he is finished anyway! You know he is! This might give him a change! That's your words!"
"Harvey…"
"You have to give him a chance! He might prove you wrong."
"I know that was my words Harvey and I'm so sorry for this. But I just don't think that Mike will be able to take part. We don't know yet since we don't have all the results, but I just wanted to prepare you."
Harvey swallowed hard and felt his whole body tense. For a terrible second he had thought about hitting the woman in front of him. He would never do that of course but she had just given him Mike's death sentence.
"So all comes down to one test? What kind of values does he have to have to pass it?"
"Below five is a requirement." Harvey just stood there in silence as he listened to her thorough explanation. He could feel himself shaking a little but hoped it didn't show.
What was he supposed to do now? Did he have to tell Mike about this? No, he decided straight away. Mike put all his hope to this now, Harvey knew that, and he couldn't bring himself to take that away from him. They hadn't even talked about the possibility that Mike wouldn't be taking part in the trial. It would destroy him in all ways possible. It would kill him. All ways possible.
No! He wasn't letting that happening. He wasn't going to let this happen! So he stood there and asked all the questions he could think of while an insane plan was starting to form in his head.
As he stepped into Mike's room again he felt all shaky, but also something else. Somehow he almost felt excited. He didn't know if that would be the right way to describe it, but he lacked anything better. He had a plan and he needed to work quickly to execute it. But he needed help. He made a phone call and Donna promised to be there as soon as she could.
Mike was still sleeping and Harvey hoped that he would stay that way. Harvey spent his time waiting googling. He needed more information. He was thrilled when Donna showed up, only fifteen minutes later.
"Finally!" He half whispered to not wake up Mike. "It's about time you got here."
"I will have you know I broke the speed limit." Donna muttered.
"Good. Donna, we have a problem."
"Is he doing worse?" She asked immediately.
"No, that's not it. Or he is doing worse today, but he is just feeling nauseated and has a headache, but that's not it."
"Only that." Donna whispered and lightly stroked Mike's head.
"Don't wake him. Come on. Let's talk over here."
They took the two chairs by Mike's bed and moved them over to the far corner of the room. It wasn't that far away from Mike, but hopefully he wouldn't hear anything if he did wake up. This was not meant for Mike's ears.
"What's going on Harvey?" Donna asked when they sat down. She looked worried.
"It's a high possibility that Mike won't be able to take part in the trial." Harvey said.
"What? No, that's not possible. No, please tell me that is a mistake Harvey."
He shook his head. "I wish it was, but I just talked to the doctor in charge of the trial and she wanted to warn me that Mike might be too ill to take part."
"Oh no, no, no, no." Donna mumbled as she looked towards Mike. "Oh no. Does he know?"
"No, he doesn't know. And he won't find out."
"What are you talking about? Of course he will find out."
"No, he won't, because we are going to make sure he gets in on it."
Donna turned her full attention towards him now. "What are you saying Harvey?"
"I'm saying that I am going to make sure that Mike will be participating."
Donna slowly shook her head. "Are you saying what I think you are saying right now?"
"Yes."
Donna looked around her for a moment before turning to Harvey again. "You are going to falsify his results?"
"I will if that is what it takes to get Mike on this trial. Yes."
"Harvey…"
"Donna."
"But how will you do that? How will you even know what to falsify."
"I know what to do Donna, but I need your help."
She looked away for a moment while Harvey waited. He knew he needed to give her time to process what he was telling her.
"Are you sure about this Harvey? You can get into a lot of trouble for this. And Mike…"
"Donna. I don't care. I'm doing this." He paused for a moment. "I have to do this Donna. I will never forgive myself if…you know… if I didn't even try."
"But there has to be a reason that those values has to be higher…"
"Donna! He is dying. Mike is going to die and this might save him. I have to do this."
"But if it comes out that you did this…"
"I don't care. There is only two outcomes to getting him on the trial. It works and he lives then no one will care about some falsified values. The second outcome, if it's the opposite and he dies… Well, I don't care. I don't give a shit about what happens to me then, because I will be done anyway."
"Harvey…"
"He is like a son to me Donna, or a little brother, and if Mike dies…" He couldn't continue. His voice sounded all shaky and Donna looked a bit blurred all of a sudden. He blinked and found her looking at him empathically with a small smile playing on her lips.
"I'm not going to stop you Harvey." she said shaking her head. "Never. Tell me how to help. We are doing this."
Harvey nodded and smiled a little. "We are. Thank you Donna."
She shook her head. "Don't thank me, Harvey. Don't you do that. Of course I'm doing this. Did you for a second think that I would say no?"
"No."
"Well you were right then. You know he is like a son to me too."
"I know." Harvey calmly said. He could see how upset she was. She blinked rapidly a few times.
"What do you need me to do?"
"I need you to keep watch while I get the right document. It's getting finalized today and it's being sent here tonight. I don't really know where yet though."
"I'll find out." Donna said without hesitation.
Harvey breathed out his relief at her reaction. "Thank you Donna." He said again ignoring her previous comment. She just looked at him now.
"Well, I'll go and see what I can find out."
"Good. I'll stay here with him for now. I'll make some calls as well." Harvey nodded.
She nodded and disappeared out of the room. Harvey went back to Mike's bedside. He was still dead to the world. Harvey sighed as he looked at him. Mike looked so small and fragile. Harvey pressed his lips together. Was this really the right thing to do? What if Donna and the doctors were right and there was a good reason for not allowing Mike to take part in the study if his values weren't good enough. What if taking part in the trial would backfire and maybe kill him faster than if he hadn't been in the study.
But Harvey couldn't back down. He had to try this. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he did nothing at this point. All was up to Donna at this point. He picked up his phone.
He texted a bit first. He would need help with forging the document and thought he knew the right person for it. It wouldn't be a problem. The problem was getting the document in time.
He needed to make a few phone calls as well, but was reluctant to do it in front of Mike. He woke up an hour later as well, so then could definitely not do it. Mike claimed to feel not entirely like shit, his words, and was sitting up in bed with his iPad in his lap.
Harvey was relieved when a nurse came a while later, so he could step outside for a bit. He stood outside Mike's room talking on the phone when Dr. Jansson walked around the corner. She smiled a little at Harvey and proceeded to walk pass him into Mike's room. Harvey wasn't finished with his phone call but held up the door to be able to hear and see what was going in the room. She talked a little with Mike about how he was feeling. Mike mostly shrugged and said that he was tired. Harvey shook his head a little, just tired was an understatement if you asked him.
"So, Mike I'm so sorry about this newest development." Dr. Jansson said then.
"What?"
"Dr. Jansson can I talk to you outside." Harvey said loudly, stepping into the room his phone call immediately forgotten.
"What are you talking about?" Mike asked.
She looked between the two of them, a bit confused. But then she understood as she met Harvey's eyes.
"I'm sorry I thought that you knew." She said turned to Mike. "About the test results."
"What?" Mike repeated, sitting tense on his bed now.
"They are fine." Harvey said, louder this time. He had to stop this, but he knew it was too late. He was still going to try. Mike just glared at him.
"What are you talking about?" He repeated. "Why are you sorry?"
"I would like to talk to you outside for a minute." Harvey said and put a hand on the woman's arm.
"Harvey!" Mike said and Harvey knew he had lost when the doctor shook his hand off her. She looked at Harvey before turning her attention back to Mike.
"We are just waiting for your last test results and Mike, I'm sorry to tell you that I believe that there is a high possibility that your values will be too high. It means that there will be too much of a risk for you to take part in the trial."
Mike swallowed hard, his mouth opening and closing without any words coming out. He just looked at the doctor with wide shocked eyes. He shook his head.
"No." He said.
"I'm so sorry. I thought Harvey had told you already."
"No he didn't." Mike said, they it was like he woke up from his shook as he turned towards Harvey.
"You knew!"
"Mike…"
"You knew and you didn't tell me!"
"Mike, listen to me. I just wanted to…"
"I don't care." Mike turned his attention to the doctor again, not looking at Harvey at all. Almost pretending that he wasn't in the room. "But what do you mean? What will happen now then? Isn't it anything you can do? That I can do?"
Mike's questions were desperate and they didn't stop. The doctor did her best in answering them all, calmly and quietly. Mike swayed a bit where he sat, like he was about to collapse.
"Why don't you lean back a bit Mike?" Harvey suggested. Mike briefly met his eyes for a moment but it was like he hadn't heard him.
"Are you really saying that I can't take part in the trial?" He asked the doctor that was still standing next to his bed. She looked concerned.
"I'm sorry for upsetting you this much Mike, but there were never any guaranties that you would be able to take part. Right now your values aren't good enough as I said. We can't let you participate then. It's important for us that you meet the requirements."
"Oh, shut up." Mike rightfully told her, at least according to Harvey. "I'm sorry for getting upset. You just signed my definite death sentence."
"I'm sorry. It's not for sure yet, but it looks like it will…"
"Yes, I know. My values suck! Just get out would you?" Mike wasn't looking at her anymore and was breathing hard. "Please!"
"Okay. I'll get back to you tomorrow with the final results."
"Fine!"
She left after that, nodding towards Harvey before closing the door behind her. Mike had collapsed back towards the pillows. He was still breathing hard and staring right in front of him with wide eyes.
"Mike, listen to me."
But Mike interrupted him.
"No, Harvey! Nothing you say can make this better. Nothing! Don't you get it!"
"She said that it's not final yet. We have to wait until tomorrow before we know for sure."
Mike's tone was monotone when he answered. "Didn't you hear her? She said she was sorry about the results. There is a high possibility. When the hell has anything gone my way in all of this? It's over."
"Mike. You are still alive, you can't give up yet. It's not over."
But it was like Mike didn't listen to him, didn't want to listen.
"It's over. Why did I even think…?" He mumbled.
"Come on Mike, don't go there. I'm telling you…"
Mike suddenly flew upright, startling Harvey. He didn't know Mike had it in him to sit up like that. He didn't know Mike had it in him to yell either.
"Harvey! Stop it! You got to face it that it is over now. I'm not getting on that damn trial. I'm not getting any second changes this time. It was stupid to think that there was a change. Idiotic. And I don't want to hear anything else from you." He swallowed hard and looked away. "I don't want to hear it." His voice shook.
Harvey chose to be quiet at this point. Instead he slowly took a seat on the chair next to Mike's bed. He watched as Mike's shoulders sank and how his fist grabbed the blanket over his legs. Harvey just waited to see what would come now.
"It's over now." Mike quietly said. "It's over. I'm not going to make it." He drew a shuddering breath. He had calmed down somewhat.
"I'm going to die. I'm going to die now. I'm going to die." He whispered more to himself now than to Harvey. He wiped his eyes. Harvey just sat there watching him as Mike slowly rocked himself back and forth on the bed.
"I thought… I thought… Harvey, I thought for just a moment that there was some hope, you know."
"I know Mike." Harvey leaned forward and stroke Mike's back a little.
"I wanted to believe that this might be what would save me. I just wanted to believe that."
"Me too."
Mike's whole body shook now. "I don't want to die." He whispered. "Oh god. Why is…why do…"
Harvey kept stroking his back. "It's not lost yet Mike. You are still here."
"I'm dying. You know I am. Everybody here knows that I am. That's why they won't let me do it. It's a waste of time!"
"Mike! Don't you ever say that."
"It's the truth, they just don't want to admit it to my face."
"It's not true."
"Yes, it is Harvey. They think I will die anyway, so they won't even let me try it. I'll be a bad record for their damn trial."
"It's not over yet Mike."
"You heard what she said. And you knew about it!"
Harvey clenched his teeth. "It's not done yet." He said. But Mike wasn't listening to him. He had sunken in on himself and had buried his face in his hand. Harvey heard that he was crying and felt it as well in the way he shook under his hand. He wasn't surprised that it happened.
Harvey felt conflicted. He didn't want to tell Mike about his plans. This had to happen without Mike's knowledge. The kid was sharp though and if they succeeded Mike would know that it was Harvey's doing. But he didn't want Mike to know about their attempt because what if they didn't succeed? All Mike knowing would led to then was that the kid once again would get his hopes up and the fall might be even greater at a failure. But it killed Harvey now to listen to Mike's cries. He could understand him though. Mike must feel awful. He had started to hope and now that was gone. And Mike knew that Harvey had known about this but he hadn't told him. That must make it even worse for the kid. He knew that Mike couldn't understand now why he didn't tell him.
So what Harvey did now was just to sit there next to Mike with his hand on his back. He was just there. He hoped it was enough.
"Oh god…" Mike mumbled now. "I don't want to be awake. I want to sleep."
"Okay. Here, I'll help you lay down."
Mike wouldn't look at him. He turned his head away from Harvey as he draped the cover over him.
"I'll fix it Mike." Harvey told him quietly.
Mike met his eyes and Harvey startled a bit at his expression. It was one of disbelief. Mike didn't believe him at all. There was no hope in his eyes. Then Mike slowly closed his eyes. There were still tears in his eyelashes. Harvey squeezed his shoulder and left his hand there. Mike didn't say anything else, but his breathes were shaky and he was tense under Harvey's hand.
Harvey half expected Mike to shake his hand off him, but he didn't. Perhaps the need of comfort outweigh the feeling of disbelief and betrayal Mike most likely felt towards Harvey now. Harvey hadn't been honest with Mike, hadn't told him about the test results and now the only thing Harvey had said that it wasn't over yet and that he would fix it. He could understand if Mike didn't believe him, he could.
Mike hadn't even asked him why he didn't tell him about what Dr. Jansson had said. Hopefully Mike didn't think that it was because Harvey thought that he was too weak to be able to handle it. There was a possibility.
-SUITS-
Harvey's hand was still on his shoulder. Mike wanted to turn on his side but didn't dare to move because maybe Harvey would remove his hand then. He couldn't have that happening. Not now.
He couldn't believe this was happening. He felt so empty now. He had gotten over the worst shock and had been able to collect himself somewhat. He didn't feel like he was going to panic anymore. Maybe if Harvey removed his hand he would. He would burst then. He would scream until he couldn't scream anymore. That was what it felt like. Maybe he wasn't that collected.
He had to force his eyelids to remain closed. He didn't want to talk and if Harvey knew he was awake he would probably want to do just that. But he just couldn't listen to how Harvey was telling him that it wasn't over yet. But it was. He wasn't going to get on the trial and the cancer was going to kill him. He had fought it with all he had. Or he didn't have much to begin with, but he had went through chemo and radiation and two open heart surgeries. And then there was everything else, throwing up blood, the coughing, an ulcer, more fevers than he could count. He had been shoot and nearly strangled too, but that wasn't the cancer's fault. But that counted too anyway. And then there was the whole thing of him feeling like crap all the damn time. The sadness that was etched into his core now a days. And the fear that always were present. The loneliness he felt. And the feeling of being a burden to everyone around him. To Harvey. That brought the guilt as well.
He didn't want to have to deal with all of this anymore. If he had just gotten on the trial he would have another change to maybe get better. Because maybe it would work. Maybe he had gone through everything he had gone through just to be able to hold on until he got on this trial. And maybe then it would have worked and he would be able to feel better. To survive. He could live and start to repay everyone for what they had done for him during this time. What Harvey had done for him he would never be able to repay. But he had just been looking forward to have a changed relationship with Harvey. They were so close now.
But now he wouldn't survive and he would let Harvey down. He would leave Harvey. And he would never even get the chance to at least try and repay him.
Mike couldn't help but wonder what would happen to Harvey when he died? He didn't want to think about that, but he didn't think that it would be good. He had seen what Harvey was capable of doing when he felt guilty. And Mike had a feeling that Harvey wouldn't be able to handle the loss of him in a good way.
Harvey still had his hand over Mike's shoulder, and now Mike pointed his focus on the feeling of the older man's hand. Suddenly it went away and Mike's whole body jerked and his eyes flew open. He couldn't help but let out a moan and his eyes immediately flooded over. No!
"Shhh…shhh…shhh. It's okay." Harvey whispered. He was still there. He put back the hand and Mike had to bit his lip to stop to try and repress all the emotions from coming out. It hurt.
"It's okay." Harvey whispered again. He then brought up a tissue to Mike's face and carefully wiped his face. Mike felt the moisture and realized that he had been crying. He was crying. He considered trying to hold it back, but found the effort to great. He let it out. He pressed his eyes closed and just cried it all out. He did his best in trying to not feel so pathetic, but it was hard. He cried hard and it soon got difficult to breath.
Harvey was next to him though. Harvey kept telling him it was okay, he didn't take his hand away. And Mike felt so incredible grateful. He managed to turn to his side so that he was facing Harvey. So that he could see him and look into Harvey's sad eyes. Mike fumbled for Harvey's hand and held on to it with both of his. Harvey had a tight grip on one of Mike's hands.
"Shhh…" He shushed Mike. Mike bit his lip hard and tried to draw deep breaths. Harvey wiped his face again. He was regaining some control back over himself.
"Harvey…" He whispered and locked eyes with him.
"I know." Harvey said. "I'm so sorry Mike."
Mike nodded a little and drew a deep breathe once again. He was better now. He was tired. At least he had thought he was better, but then he looked into Harvey's eyes again and saw something there. Harvey looked devastated. It was only there for a moment, then it was like a mask slipped over Harvey's features and he smiled a little towards Mike. But Mike had seen it, and he couldn't help feeling it all getting worse again. Everything became blurry and he had to blink a few time. It didn't help much. He wanted to stop but he couldn't force himself to. He was just too weak. For a moment he intensely hated himself.
"Shhh…shhh…shhh… Hey Mike…" Harvey whispered next to him.
Mike closed his eys. Harvey pressed a bit on his hand and he pressed back.
"I'm here." Harvey said.
"I know." Mike whispered back. They were both quiet for a while. Mike didn't know what else to say. He had trouble thinking clearly.
Then he suddenly heard something else. Something new. And Mike realized that it was Harvey. He was humming a soft tune. It wasn't any words, just humming. Harvey had never done that before. His voice didn't sound that bad. He opened his eyes and looked up. He almost thought that Harvey would stop, but he didn't. He just shrugged a little when he saw that Mike was looking at him, then he continued. Maybe it was out of surprise, or maybe he just forgot about it, but Mike stopped crying then. He closed his eyes and just listened. He didn't recognize the melody. He wasn't even sure that it was a melody. Maybe Harvey just made it up as he went, it actually made Mike smile at the thought of that. He felt himself relaxing a bit more. Harvey didn't stop and Mike understood that he was about to fall asleep. He welcomed the feeling.
-SUITS-
Harvey stayed as he was even though he knew that Mike was asleep. He didn't know where the singing came from. He had surprised himself. The things he did for the kid. This was something that they would not be talking about again. He had never done something like that, but it had worked and he felt pretty happy about that. His heart bled for Mike. He had just felt so sorry for the younger man and he hadn't know what else he could do to lessen Mike's pain. He had started singing or something like that almost out of desperation. But it had worked and Mike was sleeping now.
It had been terrible to watch how Mike tried to calm himself down stop sobbing. Harvey had seen that he tried. But the kid had been too upset. Mike had said that he didn't want to be awake, just so he wouldn't have to deal with the disappointment he must be feeling.
Harvey hoped he would stay asleep for a while now. He carefully wriggled his hand out of Mike's grasp. He waited to see if he would wake up again, but Mike remained still. Harvey reached for his phone and opened the text he had heard he had gotten a few minutes earlier. It was from Donna.
I got the information.
Harvey breathed out from relief. He knew he could count on her.
She arrived about thirty minutes later and quietly stepped into the room.
"How is he?" She asked.
Harvey sighed and shook his head a bit.
"Bad. He found out that he's not going to be part of the trial."
"Oh no. How did he take it?"
"As well as expected. He was devastated. He thinks he is going to die now."
"Oh Mike." Donna whispered.
"But that's not going to happen. Harvey, I got all the information we need. The test results are being delivered by the labs own delivery service. It will get here in about two hours."
Harvey nodded. "And Dr. Jansson will be here and receive them around 7:30. That's when she gets in tomorrow morning, but her assistant gets here around 7 so we have to make the switch before that."
"We should do it tonight then." Donna answered. "I know the nurse that works in the workstation that receives the test results, I talked to her earlier it shouldn't be a problem with getting her distracted."
"Alright Donna, but we have a problem. We have nothing to exchange the document with. I didn't have time to…"
"I have taken care of that." Donna opened her purse now and fished out a file. She handed it to Harvey. When he opened it he was met with a document with Mike's name on it. He looked up at her in surprise.
"How did you know…?"
"Do you even have to ask?"
Harvey smiled and shook his head. "Thank you." He said instead. She was amazing. He told her so.
They waited together next to Mike after that. Mike kept sleeping, something Harvey was grateful for. He needed it.
Harvey felt nervous. So much was at stake. Mike's life basically. It was so important that they got this right and that nobody would find out that they were doing. Time crept by. There were no change from Mike during the two hours they waited. Harvey and Donna spoke some to come up with a plan on how to execute the switch of documents. It wasn't overly complicated. All they had to do was get into the room where the results were kept and then find the right file and take out the right paper and replace it with Donna's fake one. It was easy. What he worried most about now was that the replacement paper would be too different from the original, but he had to trust Donna on this. He didn't know how she had pulled it off, his own efforts hadn't been needed.
"It's time Harvey." Donna suddenly whispered. "The results has to be there by now."
Harvey swallowed hard and nodded glancing at Mike. Still asleep. Harvey leaned forward and pressed the alarm button. He wasn't going to leave Mike alone. A nurse showed up two minutes later and agreed to stay with Mike until they got back.
"We won't be long." Harvey promised her. Hopefully Mike would stay asleep until they got back. He would be destroyed if he woke up and was alone.
Donna led the way through the corridors. Three floors down they found what they were looking for. She stopped and pointed towards a small desk in front of a glass room with multiple shelves inside of it. A nurse was at a computer by the desk. While they were watching she stood up, went into the room with some papers and got back outside to the desk.
"We need to get her away from there." Harvey whispered.
"Leave that to me." Donna said. "I can give you ten minutes. That should be enough."
Harvey didn't have time for anything else than nodding before Donna started walking quickly towards the nurse.
"I'm so sorry but I need your help." She load my said in an almost hysterical voice. Harvey couldn't help but smirk a bit when she even swayed a bit. Two minutes later they walked away together and Harvey looked sound before hurrying inside the glass room. Thankfully the door was unlocked.
The shelves had different names on them that must be different wards or doctors at the hospital. He searched for Dr. Jansson's name but couldn't find it. Damn it! Why wasn't it there? What should he do? A glance at his watch told him he had eight minutes left. He could at least leave out all the shelf's that had other doctor's names. He started looking closer on the shelf's names for different departments at the hospital. And there! Oncology. There were about ten different shelves for that and Harvey started going through them all. Another glance at his watch a few shelves in told him that he had six more minutes. He was starting to sweat. Where the hell was it?
His heart jumped in his chest and his pulse increased as he finally found what he was looking for, a file with Mike's name on it.
He opened it and saw that it contained three sheets of paper. Worry started to rise in Harvey, the file he had received from Donna only held one. He moved to an empty shelf nearby and laid out all the papers. He quickly scan through the text until his eyes caught what he had been looking for. Those damn values. They read 6,2. Dr. Jansson had told him that Mike's values needed to be bellow five. This would mean that Mike wouldn't be able to take part in the trial.
Harvey brought out the page he had gotten from Donna. To his relief it looked almost exactly like the real page. The main difference being the number which read 4,6 on the page from Donna. It was bellow five. It was the only thing that mattered. Harvey quickly put Donna's copy in with the rest, folded the real one and placed it in his pocket. He then put back the file where he found it with two minutes to spare. He had just closed the door behind him when he heard Donna's voice.
"So you are sure that there is nothing to worry about then?" She said loudly. Harvey quickly snuck behind a corner just as Donna and the nurse came into view.
"No I can assure you that it's fine."
Harvey stepped out from where he was hiding.
"Donna there you are. I've been looking all over for you!"
"You see?" Donna said to the nurse and she looked a Harvey before nodding.
Harvey looked suspiciously between them.
"What…" he started to say, but Donna took him by the arm, thanked the nurse and started dragging him away.
"What did you tell her?" Harvey asked as soon as they were clear.
"It none of your concern." Donna smiled and let go of him.
Harvey laughed. "Fine."
"Is it done?" She asked. "Did you make the switch?"
"It's done." Harvey confirmed.
"How did you pull that off Donna?" He asked as they walked down the corridor. "They were almost identical."
"I did what was necessary Harvey." She just said.
"You did. Thank you. I would never been able to do it without you."
"I did it for Mike, Harvey. You are right. This might give him a chance."
Harvey just nodded.
Mike was thankfully still asleep when they got back to his room. Harvey knew he would've taken it hard if he had woken up alone. For now things were under control. They had pulled it off. And as long as no one took a closer look or redid the tests Mike would be able to take part in the trial. He suddenly felt exhausted and a bit jealous at Mike. He wished he could sleep for as long as he wanted too.
Mike was woken up two hours later for a checkup. He was pale and quiet. He wouldn't meet Harvey's eyes, but smiled a bit at Donna. She stoked his cheek and quietly spoke to him until he fell asleep again. She was sweet with Mike and Harvey was content with just sitting on the small cot that acted as his bed and watch them. They took well care of Mike, him and Donna. He thought the kid was in good hands. And it was possible that they just had given Mike a second chance.
Harvey woke up that night from quiet voices. A nurse and one of the night doctors were standing next to Mike's bed talking to him. Mike looked like he was ignoring them. He didn't react as they spoke to him. Harvey got up and asked what was going around on.
"These are against pain and nausea. But Mike doesn't seem interested in taking them." The nurse explained, holding a small container with pills.
"Mike, just take them." Harvey said leaning over Mike to catch his attention. Mike looked away from him.
"Mike." Harvey shook his shoulder a bit. Mike looked at him then with indifference.
"Take the pills." Harvey repeated.
Mike glanced towards them. "What's the point?" He asked.
Harvey closed his eyes for a moment. Damn it. He understood why Mike was like this, but he hated seeing it. He wanted Mike to snap out of it.
"You do not get to do this. You are going to take the damn pills because I'm telling you to."
Mike looked at him now. His mouth open and Harvey saw how his lip quivered.
"Okay." He said then. Harvey nodded to the nurse who stepped forward and Harvey watched as Mike swallowed the pills and got helped to lay down again.
Harvey sat down next to him when the hospital staff had left. Mike didn't say anything. Harvey watched him. Mike then slowly turned his head away. Harvey wouldn't have it though.
"You don't get to do this either, you know." He leaned forward and grabbed Mike's hand. "Everything is going to be okay. I'm here and I got your back. Know that Mike."
The only reply he got from Mike was a light squeeze of his hand. The younger man had his eyes closed and didn't say anything else that night. Harvey waited until he was sure Mike was sleeping again before heading back to his own bed.
He was sure Mike would feel better in the morning.
-SUITS-
Immediately when Mike woke up the next morning he wished he hadn't. Today was the day when they would tell him for sure that he was going to die. No one would tell him that of course, they would just say that they were sorry but his values wasn't good enough. In fact he wasn't even sure what kind of values it was. That was a bit strange that he didn't know that. All he knew was that they couldn't be bellow five. He probably should have asked what it was about at some point. It didn't matter now.
A doctor was there and listened to his heart and had him breathe in and out, checked his blood pressure and asked him questions. He wasn't in a great deal of pain, it was manageable, and no he didn't want any extra pain killers.
He felt so empty now. He felt lost. He didn't know what to say or do. In fact he didn't want to say or do anything at all. What was the point, really? He just felt so tired.
Harvey was there of course and was doing his best in engaging Mike in conversation. He wasn't interested at all. Why couldn't Harvey get that? He wasn't interested in hearing Harvey saying that it wasn't over yet, because it was.
He had never had a chance anyway. Nobody survived cancer to the heart. Certainly not him. Why would he when nobody else did? But Harvey didn't see it apparently. The older man was really supportive though, Mike had to give him that. Harvey made him feel better. Last night he had fallen asleep with his hand in Harvey's. It had felt good, knowing that Harvey was there with him. To have the reminder of not being alone even when he closed his eyes.
Harvey really kept him from losing it. But nothing could save him now. It was going to end.
"Excuse me? Are we interrupting?"
Mike looked up and saw that Dr. Jansson and her colleague Emil Jarl was standing in the doorway. They both held a few files in their hands. Mike noticed that Harvey sat up straighter on the other side of him.
"No, come on in." Harvey said.
"How are you doing Mike?" She shook his hand. Mike just shrugged.
"Well, we wanted to talk to you about the trial. We have gotten all the results now. Can we sit down?"
"Go ahead." Harvey said.
"Mike, yesterday I told you that there was a high possibility that you wouldn't be able to take part in our trial, but it turns out that my assumptions were wrong. I thought that your values wouldn't surpass our threshold of 5. But you got 4,6 which means that with the rest of the results satisfying as well, we are prepared to offer you the opportunity to take part."
She stopped talking and looked expectantly at Mike. He stared at her while his brain tried to process what she just had told him.
"Are you serious? That's great news!" Harvey exclaimed next to him standing up and then he punched Mike's arm. "Mike! You are in!"
Mike looked up at him in disbelief. Harvey was smiling with his whole face.
"What?" Mike said.
"You are approved to take part in the trial." Emil Jarl said helpfully next to him and Mike stared at him for a while. He couldn't really take in what they were saying. He was in?
"But, what about…? You said that my values wasn't good enough."
"Yes, I know it's a bit strange actually. I really thought you would get a higher number. But this is great news Mike." Dr. Jansson said.
"Yeah…"
"This must come as a shock to you. I understand if you would like a moment to process this."
Mike nodded. "I think so." He got out.
"How about we will come back after lunch and we will discuss the next step. But I take it that you would like to participate?"
"Yes, he wants to participate." Harvey said when Mike was too slow.
"Mike?"
Mike nodded. "Yes."
"We'll see you soon then."
And with that they left again and Mike was alone with Harvey.
"I told you Mike!" Harvey exclaimed. "I told you it wasn't over."
Mike looked up at him and as he did his brain kicked into gear.
"You did." He said slowly. "You said that you would fix it. Harvey…?"
"I did say that." Harvey sat down again. He still looked happy.
"She said yesterday that my values wouldn't be good enough, and now they are. And you said that you would fix it. Harvey did you have something to do with this?"
They locked eyes and Mike could just tell. Harvey remained silent for a long time as if he searched for something in Mike's eyes. A way to tell how much Mike suspected. Mike just waited.
Eventually Harvey nodded.
"Do you honestly think that I would do nothing?" He asked forcefully.
Mike was quiet while he tried to process it all. This was Harvey's doing!
"That's why you didn't tell me about it." He stated slowly.
"Yes."
"Oh god Harvey. I can't believe it."
"Mike…"
"You can get into real trouble because of this. What if someone finds out?"
"I don't care. You are in now."
"But if I get in on the expense of you getting into trouble…"
Harvey interrupted him.
"How about we take this as a win instead, Mike? I would like to do that."
"Okay." Mike agreed after a moment. He leaned back on his pillow and closed his eyes for a bit.
He couldn't believe that this was happening. He was in the trial! He was in. It was probably just his imagination, but he somehow already felt better than yesterday, physically. Of course, yesterday he had been certain that he was going to die sometime during the next few weeks. That tended to bring you down a bit. That was all changed now. He had a shot at surviving. And it was all because of Harvey.
"How did you even do it?" He asked as he opened his eyes again. Harvey was patiently waiting for him.
"I had some help." He said.
"Donna?"
Harvey just shrugged a bit. Of course it was Donna. Mike couldn't help but smile now. Harvey was smiling as well, but he was pressing his lips together while doing it. He then blinked pretty rapidly and Mike was sure that he could see some moisture in Harvey's eyes.
"Thank you." He got out.
Harvey shook his head. "I can't lose you." He whispered.
Mike reached out for him then. He got hold of Harvey's forearm and held on to it.
"You won't. Not now. You won't Harvey."
Harvey just nodded and patted his hand a bit.
-SUITS-
I didn't want it to be too easy for them. I thought this was a pretty suiting twist. Let me know what you think! I really appreciate it!