Chapter 58.
The next morning Mike woke up feeling pretty okay. He didn't feel like crap that was. He and Harvey didn't speak much more last night after Harvey revealed that he was the one that had gotten him on the trial. He still couldn't believe that Harvey had done that for him. Harvey was crazy! But Mike felt happier than he had in a long time. For the first time he actually dared to feel some hope again. He of course knew that nothing was for sure yet. And what if they somehow found out that he didn't really belong on the trial. If they somehow redid his tests and found them to be much worse than they thought. He hadn't asked Harvey with how much he had failed. He wasn't sure he wanted to know.
"Are you awake or what?"
He opened his eyes a bit and saw that Harvey was sitting next to him with a magazine in hand. Mike briefly wondered where Harvey got those from. Once he had said that he had stolen them from the waiting area. That wasn't right.
"Mike?" Harvey sounded a bit worried now and put the magazine on a table.
"It wasn't a dream right?" Mike asked.
Harvey smirked now. "Nope."
"You really committed a crime in an effort to save my life?"
"Oh, shut up." Harvey looked around before turning to Mike again, who was smiling. Harvey shook his head at him.
"Seriously though Harvey, I can't believe you did that for me. I don't know how to thank you enough."
"You don't have to thank me. I'm pretty sure you would have done the same for me."
"I would." Mike answered without hesitation.
"Then there is nothing else to talk about Mike."
"But…"
"What's done is done. There is nothing we can do now, unless you decline to take part in the trial."
Mike looked at him. "I'm going to take part. I'll…" He nodded a bit. "I'll try and beat this."
"Damn right you are."
Mike smiled a little again, his eyes were closing against his will. He forced them opened again. Why was he so tired? Right, drugs and a bit of heart cancer.
"Harvey…"
"Yes…"
"You know this doesn't mean that I will be magically cured, right?"
Harvey sighed. "Yesterday you said you wouldn't go anywhere." He said after a moment. "What happened with that attitude?"
Mike licked his lips. "It's still heart cancer, Harvey. I don't know if… if I can…" he trailed off not sure of what he was getting at.
"We'll start with this and see what happens." Harvey decided.
If I die or not. Mike thought, but didn't answer. He wasn't so sure about ask of this anymore. It wasn't much he knew about the trial really. And it was a trial after all, never tested on humans. What was there that said it would work? He couldn't voice these thoughts though, not to Harvey. Harvey had gone through a lot to get him this far and Mike was in on it all. No matter what Harvey would be there so he shouldn't worry too much. Better not think about it.
Later that day they were told that they wanted Mike to start on the trial as soon as possible to give him the best chances. Dr Lundin was there in the room along with Dr Jansson. They spoke for a long time, Mike was mostly quiet and let Harvey do the talking for him. He was tired. He wished they would leave after only fifteen minutes. They didn't though, instead they stayed more than an hour and Mike had a headache by then. He tried not to let it show. Maybe they would delay the whole thing. He probably worried for nothing, they wouldn't stop it on behalf of a headache, but he just couldn't help it.
The drug that was the whole trial would be injected into him through his Cath-a-port. He would receive the first injection the next morning. He actually felt quite excited about it and he welcomed that feeling. It felt like years ago since he felt like this, and it was a positive feeling. Sure he was scared out of his mind too, but he tried to focus on the positive in all of it. Because what if this would actually work? What if this was what would somehow cure him?
His regular doctor didn't think it would. Mike could clearly see that he didn't approve of this trial, but he hadn't really said much about it, except for constantly warning about the side effects. Mike wondered if maybe Harvey had spoken to him.
"Are you doing okay?" Harvey suddenly asked. Mike looked to the side and saw that it was just him and Harvey in the room now. He hadn't even noticed when the left. He felt stupid for a moment for zooning out like that.
"I'm okay." He said.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Harvey asked.
Mike shrugged. "What is there to talk about?"
Harvey raised an eyebrow. "You don't have anything to say about this?"
"What do you want me to say? I just want it to work Harvey!"
"I know. So do I."
"But it might not. It might also kill me, according to Dr. Lundin."
"He didn't say that."
"Not in those words."
"Well, he doesn't know what will happen. No one does, but we can hope Mike."
Mike looked at Harvey, it was rare that Harvey spoke like that. He looked serious now, and a bit sad and tired. Mike remembered the first time he had seen Harvey, not that long ago really. He now wondered if he would have recognized this version of Harvey that now sat in front of him. But one thing he was sure of, he liked this version far better. He was suddenly filled with a warmth inside him as he thought of everything that Harvey had done for him.
"Thank you." He quietly said.
Harvey looked surprised.
"For what?"
"For everything you have done for me."
"What are you doing Mike?" A wrinkle appeared between Harvey's eyes.
"What? I'm thanking you!"
Harvey watched him for a moment. "Alright." He slowly said. "You are welcome." He then let out a laugh and rolled his eyes. "You should get some sleep. Big day tomorrow."
Mike smiled a little and tried to relax a bit. He suspected that Harvey now thought that he had been thanking him just in case the trial wouldn't be successful. He wasn't sure Harvey was totally wrong. Harvey was right with another thing though, it was a big day tomorrow.
They had set up an appointment for him for eleven a clock the next morning. That was when he was going to get the new drug. Harvey had told him that Donna would come over before that. He had expected her to come that evening, but she showed up shortly after breakfast the next day. Not that Mike had anything to eat, but Harvey took the opportunity to leave for a bit while she was there. Harvey seemed as nervous as Mike felt and kept walking around in his hospital room.
"How are you feeling?" Donna asked, she sat next to him on Harvey's chair.
Mike shrugged. "Nervous. A little excited."
She smiled. "Yes, I can understand that. Everyone at the office is sending their best wishes. They all wanted to come and see you, but I told them to wait a bit."
Mike nodded feeling grateful. He wasn't sure he could handle a lot of people at the moment.
"Do you think that it will work Donna?" He asked.
"I really hope it does Mike."
"I never got to thank you."
"For what?" she asked, although Mike was pretty sure she knew what he was talking about.
"For helping Harvey with this." He said.
She blinked rapidly a few times and nodded. "You are welcome sweetie." She whispered and looked down.
"Hey? What is it?" Mike asked.
She shook her head and smiled, but Mike insisted.
"Oh Mike, I'm just worried."
"I'm sure it will be fine."
"Of course, Mike. But what if…" She stopped and Mike felt a tiny bit annoyed.
"If what?"
"What if you can't handle it? What if what Harvey and I did will make you worse? I can't stop thinking about that Mike."
"It doesn't matter Donna. I still wouldn't change anything. You guys gave me a change to at least try it."
She still looked worried. "I'm glad Donna." He said quietly. "Whatever happens I'll deal with it."
"I know Mike. I know you will. You're strong."
"I dont know about that."
"Sure you are. You are still with us." She lightly stroke his cheek. Her eyes were a bit shiny. "You know how much you mean to all of us, right?"
Mike smiled feeling incredibly touched by her words. He nodded. "I know." He whispered.
He didn't know what to say after that, but Donna had him covered. She started telling him a story about Louis latest case.
"He really wants to come and see you. So you should expect a visit soon. Tomorrow maybe."
"Really? He wants to see me?"
"Of course he does. He adores you."
"Donna…"
"He just doesn't know how to properly show it."
"Alright." Mike smiled. He liked when Donna came to see him. He always felt comfortable around her, she made him feel better.
Harvey came back thirty minutes later. He was still nervous and immediately asked if someone had been by yet.
"No, not yet. Harvey relax. Sit down will you." Donna answered before Mike had time to open his mouth.
"I am relaxed!" Harvey snorted and reluctantly sat down. Donna rolled her eyes at him, but only so that Mike saw it. Mike couldn't help but laugh.
"What?" Harvey muttered. Neither Mike nor Donna answered him. Harvey muttered something else to himself and they exchanged yet another amused look. Somehow Mike ended up having a nice morning while they waited. It was mostly Donna's doing. She kept him talking and distracted which was a good thing.
"So are we ready to do this?"
It was Dr. Jansson's assistant, Emil who spoke when he stepped into the room followed by Dr. Jansson herself, a nurse and Mike's doctor.
"Eh…sure." Mike said, immediately feeling nervous.
They talked a while and Mike tried to listen. He didn't get why he seemed to have such trouble keeping his attention on what doctors were saying to him. Maybe it was too many of them that kept telling him things. He got that they were going to inject him now and then monitor him to see how he reacted and depending on his reactions they would then decide on how to proceed. Hopefully they would be able to inject him with the drug between two and four times a week during a four week period. After that they would take a break and depending on his status then he would either wait a couple of weeks or start a new round of chemo and radiation.
That was basically it. It sounded okay according to Mike. It was a plan at least. But how was he going to react to the drug. He wasn't supposed to have it after all. He hadn't passed all of their tests, and they didn't know that. This was part of why he was so nervous now when he watch the nurse preparing the injection.
"Are you doing fine Mike? Can you breathe all right? Your pulse is a bit high." Dr. Jansson stood next to his bed watching his heart monitor.
"Just nervous." Mike said.
"Yes, I see. That's understandable." She smiled at him.
"Are you ready?" The nurse said.
Two minutes later it was finished. It was in his system now, and all they could do was wait. Mike patiently waited as they examined him and asked him questions. Harvey and Donna was there through it all, they mostly kept in the back, but always in Mike's line of sight.
An hour later Mike was annoyed. He didn't feel any different than the first five times he had been asked. He was tired and had a headache. He longed for them to leave now. They actually did a short while later leaving Mike alone with Harvey and Donna. He had heard something about alerting the nurses at the slightest changes in Mike's condition.
"They have left now." Harvey told him and Mike turned his head against him and opened his eyes.
"So, how are you really feeling?" Harvey asked now. Mike groaned and Harvey smirked.
"I'm so tired of that question."
"Well, it is kind of a big deal around here, your well-being." Harvey said.
"I guess." Mike closed his eyes again. He could talk with them closed. He was just going to rest his eyes for a little while.
"Are you falling asleep? You saying you are tired then?" Harvey kept talking to him.
"Mmm." Mike said.
"You can sleep if you want, sweetie." Donna told him. Mike forced his eyes open to smile at her. She smiled back.
"You will stay here right?" He asked.
"Are you stupid?" Harvey asked. "Of course we will."
Mike smiled again. This time with his eyes closed. That worked as well.
When he woke up again he didn't really feel all that well. He was very warm for one. He groaned and tried to get the blankets off him.
"What are you doing?" Harvey's voice.
"Get them off me." Mike begged. His voice was a bit hoarse. The blankets were gone the next minute.
"You want a sip of water?" Donna asked on the other side of him. Mike nodded and she helped him to drink. His hand was shaking weirdly, so Donna held on to his hand as he lifted the cup. He felt incredibly sweaty and an uncomfortable. He moved a bit on the bed to find a colder patch of the sheets. Moving didn't work all that well, not as well as he wanted at least. It was almost like his body didn't want to obey what he told it. Something was wrong. He just knew it and it made him feel scared.
"Har-harvey?" he looked over towards the older man. Harvey leaned forward with a concerned look.
"What is it Mike?" He asked.
"I don't know, but it doesn't feel right. I don't feel right."
"Yeah, okay. Just relax Mike. I'm sure it's nothing bad."
Mike let out a joyless laugh. "Right. So this is a good thing?"
He held up his hand in the air and let them watch how it shook. Mike saw how Harvey gave Donna a look and she left without a word.
"Where is she going?" Mike asked, putting his hand under the blanket.
"To see why the nurses are taking so long in getting here. I pushed the damn button already."
"Oh."
Harvey smiled a little. He probably did it to reassure Mike, but it wasn't working.
"Harvey, something is wrong. I know it is. I can't… I can't…"
"Shhh.. You'll be okay."
"But what if…? You know, what if it will make me worse?"
Harvey squeezed his shoulder. "It won't." He said.
"You'll stay right? You'll stay here?" Mike just had to know. He felt panic start to rise in him now. It was getting a bit harder to breath.
"You know I will." Harvey nodded. "I'm right here Mike. Listen to me, I'm right here."
"Yeah, okay. I just…I just needed to know."
"And now you do."
"But…but…some-something is wrong!"
"Okay, but just take it easy. You will get help. It will be fine."
Mike wasn't so sure. He already felt worse than he had a minute ago. His body felt too tense and warm.
A nurse stepped into the room the next minute followed by Donna.
She examined Mike and then disappeared. Mike found that he had a hard time concentrating.
"What happened?" He asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Why is it…What did…?" He didn't really know what he was asking.
"Calm down Mike." Harvey said.
Mike felt dizzy now. He didn't really like when they touched him and would have him look at something or answer questions. A doctor that was there suddenly, even took his head and turned it against him, when Mike didn't do it himself. His eye were pried opened and he tried to tear his head away, but someone held on to him, preventing him.
"Stop it Mike." Harvey was saying.
"Nnn…" Mike said. What? That was not his intention. He tried again, but discovered that he suddenly had trouble forming words. That freaked him the hell out!
He tried to sit up but was hold back, he then tried to scream, but there wasn't any words there. What was happening to him? It was all so wrong. The drug had affected his brain somehow. He couldn't think anymore. Was this it? His heart was beating so hard. He noticed briefly how his body twisted on the bed. He wasn't doing it! What happened? He wanted to ask someone, Harvey or Donna or anyone. He wasn't sure they were there though. He had trouble seeing as well. It all happened so fast. It was terrifying! He was losing control over himself.
Then suddenly it felt like all the muscles in his body contracted at the same time. It hurt but he wasn't aware of it for long because he lost consciousness.
-SUITS-
Harvey felt like he was frozen. He couldn't move his body at all and he couldn't tear his eyes away from the sight in front of him. He was vaguely aware that Donna was standing close to him, actually holding on hard to his arm, they were almost against the wall of the room, having been pushed aside. No one had bothered with getting them out of Mike's room. They were too busy with tending to Mike.
Mike was having a seizure.
At first the medical staff hadn't seemed that worried, but when Mike started slurring on his speech the atmosphere in the room changed drastically and more staff arrived. That was when Harvey and Donna was pushed to the side. They could only watch as one of the scariest things Harvey had witnessed transpired in front of them.
It was a bit hard to see that much of Mike at first, but they moved a bit to have a cleared view of him. Donna had taken Harvey's hand by then.
"God, what's happening with him? Did we cause this?" She had whispered in his ear.
She was crying now. Harvey wanted to do the same.
Both Harvey and Donna jerked in surprise when Mike had screamed. His body twisted on the bed. Then he tensed unnaturally.
"He is seizing!" Someone had yelled. They had removed the all the blankets and pillows from the kid's bed. They were thrown in a heap on the floor.
Mike's eyes were shut and Harvey understood that he wasn't conscious any longer. Maybe that was better. The seizing looked painful. It looked unnatural. A body wasn't supposed to do that. He jerked as if he was constantly being electrocuted. How did it work, that Mike's body could do that? The kid had barely had any energy and had been in bed for weeks, but now he was twisting and jerking so much.
Harvey wasn't aware of how long they were standing there. He just stood there next to Donna, feeling nauseas as he watched Mike's body convulsing. All he could think of was that he just wanted it to stop. He needed it to end. Mike couldn't do that anymore. He needed to stop!
He knew that Donna was crying next to him, but he didn't look away from Mike. And then finally, he stopped.
"One minute and forty-six seconds!" Someone said. Oh god, Harvey thought. It had been one minute and forty-six seconds of horror.
He still didn't look away from Mike. His eyes were still closed. A nurse bent open his mouth and looked inside it. Harvey didn't know why. Someone patted Mike's cheek and said his name a few times. Nothing happened.
Someone wiped Mike's face. Harvey was frozen. Donna said something. He didn't know what, or didn't care. He needed Mike to wake up. Could the kid take much more? He needed to know that Mike was okay, and that he was there.
Someone was standing in front of them blocking Harvey's view. He moved then.
"We believe that he will wake up in a few minutes. The worst is over now."
Harvey didn't know if he believed that. Not with Mike.
However they had been right and Mike did wake up after a few minutes. His eyes opened to slits and were unfocused. He blinked slowly and didn't react when they spoke to him.
"Just give him time." The doctor suggested.
Mike's mouth opened and closed. He swallowed and moaned quietly. Donna was sitting on a chair close to Mike's bed and Harvey was standing next to her, the doctor and two nurses were still in the room with them. One of them were on her way to replace Mike's blankets over him. Hopefully they had brought new ones, Harvey never saw.
Donna had taken Mike's hand in hers and was lightly stroking it. Mike's hand was limp in hers.
It took about ten minutes before Mike became somewhat more lucid. A wet towel over his forehead had helped. He was breathing heavily and blinked slowly. Harvey had placed himself in his line of vision and he thought Mike looked a little better by now.
"Kid, can you look at me?" He tried. On the second time he asked Mike reacted and his eyes locked with Harvey's. At least for a few seconds.
But Harvey didn't give up, instead he leaned closer to the kid.
"Mike. Are you with me?"
"Ha-Har…Har-vey." Mike whispered. It seemed to cost him a lot just to say his name.
"Yeah, I'm here. Donna is here too. How are you feeling?"
Mike totally ignored him. He just closed his eyes and had them closed for at least two minutes. Harvey had to stop himself from shaking him. Damn it.
"Har-Harvey?" Mike said again. He coughed a little and grimaced. "What… What happened?"
Harvey briefly looked at the doctor that nodded encouragingly.
"You… you passed out Mike. But you are doing better now." He didn't see the point with upsetting Mike anymore than he was.
"What?" Mike repeated. "Why?"
Before Harvey had the change to answer him the doctor did it for him.
"Mike? Can you please look at me?"
Mike did. He blinked slowly.
"Mike, you just had a quite severe seizure. I need to ask you a few questions."
"What?" Mike stuttered turning his eyes back to Harvey.
"You are fine now." Harvey forced himself to smile.
"Mike, are you in any pain?" The doctor asked.
"Yeah…"
"Can you tell me where? Mike, can you tell me where you are hurting."
Mike's eyes flickered shut and he moaned. Harvey felt his chest thighten.
"Mike, can you answer my question?" The doctor insisted. Harvey wanted to push him away
"My head." Mike whispered and his lip trembled. His eyes were at once at bit shiny.
"We'll do something about that then. How is your breathing?"
Mike turned away and squeezed his eyes shut. "It hurts…" he moaned.
"You mean your head or your breathing?"
"My head. What's…what's happening?"
The doctor turned to a nurse and spoke to her for some time before he turned back to Mike.
"Mike can you tell me what the last thing you remember is?"
Mike didn't answer just twisted a bit.
"Mike, I know you are not feeling good right now but I need you to work with me here so that I can determine if the seizure caused any damage."
He then carefully turned Mike's head against him.
"I want you to touch your nose with your finger Mike."
"What?" Mike whispered. There were now tears in his eyes.
"Your nose with your finger."
Mike made an attempt to do it and almost hit himself in the eye.
"Calm down and try again." The doctor said.
"Can't this wait?" Harvey had to ask.
"I'm afraid not. Mike?"
Mike did try again, slower this time and he managed to do what was asked of him.
"Good jobb, Mike."
The medical professional mentioned for the nurse still left in the room and she stepped forward.
"We are just going to draw some blood Mike, and then you can rest a bit. I have booked an MRI for you as soon as possible."
"Noo…" Mike protested.
"Can't that wait until tomorrow?" Donna asked.
"We want to see if the seizure caused any brain damage. So no."
"Oh." Donna said.
"What might have caused it?" Harvey asked.
"Most likely his medication."
"The trial?"
"I can't answer to that. You have to take that up with Dr. Jansson."
Harvey nodded. Damn it. This was bad news. However he chose to not ask anything else. Not now when Mike was like this. Mike needed help now.
Mike didn't say much but moaned when the nurse pushed a needle in his arm. She held it down what looked like pretty hard. Mike was probably resisting. He didn't seem to know what was going on around him.
"Monitor his heart closely. I'll go and see about the MRI." The doctor told the nurses. "Try to keep him calm." He added directed to all of them in the room.
Mike wasn't happy. In fact he had constant tears in his eyes, even though Donna tried to wipe them away for him.
"Shh… Mike, sweetie. It's okay."
"No…" Mike twisted his head away from her. His unfocused eyes landed on Harvey.
"Harvey…" he said and stretched out his hand towards him. Harvey reached over and took it in his.
"Hi Mike." He said quietly.
"Harvey…" Mike said again and pulled a little on his hand.
"Here." Donna said and got up from her chair to let Harvey sit down so that he could be closer to Mike. Mike was breathing heavily, his eyes flickered around but it was clear that he was trying to keep his eyes on Harvey. He blinked rapidly and Harvey took a tissue and wiped his eyes for him.
"Hey, hey, hey." Harvey said.
"Harvey…What…what happened?"
"Shh… you are okay now."
"No, but I…I… what happened?"
Harvey exchanged a look with Donna before answering him.
"You had a seizure Mike."
"No…" Mike let out a few sobs and Harvey held his hand harder.
"You are better now."
Mike didn't calm down on bit at that. He continued to cry and Harvey felt his own eyes burn a bit. Although the nurse nodded approvingly towards him.
"But why…?" Mike whispered. "What's going to…to happen now?"
"What do you mean kid?"
"Is it..is it…the…the… will I have to stop?"
"Oh you mean the trial? Right. I don't know Mike. I don't know. But don't worry about that now. Just try and relax for me, okay?"
Mike answered by pulling their hands up over his chest, Harvey had to lean forward to comply with the movement. Mike rested his chin towards Harvey's hand and tears trailed down his cheeks. A few connected with their hands.
Harvey stroked the side of Mike's face with his other hand. Behind him he heard that Donna was crying as well.
"It's okay. It's okay." He mumbled. Really hoping that it was.
They sat like that for some time. Mike quieted down and fell asleep but Harvey stayed like he was. That was until the door opened and Dr. Jansson came inside. Harvey made a sign towards Mike and she nodded.
"I heard about the seizure. I just wanted to come and see how he was doing." She said.
"Badly." Harvey said. "His in pain and upset. What do you think?"
She nodded not really faced by his anger.
"I don't understand why this happened but I will look into it. Mike has an MRI in a few minutes. But I will be by tomorrow."
She disappeared shortly after that. Harvey didn't like the fact that Mike needed an MRI. He didn't know how that would go with the state Mike was in now.
Horribly, it turned out. Mike woke when they were moving his bed along the hallway towards the MRI and he wasn't happy at all. In his weakened state he panicked when he laid his eyes in the machine. He resisted every way that he could when they moved him to the gurney attached to the machine.
Harvey stood and watched with clenched teeth. Donna hadn't been allowed inside, which was good in a Way. She didn't have to see Mike like this. Harvey so badly wanted to intervene and if he hadn't thought that Mike needed this. They were going to make sure that nothing was wrong with Mike's brain. But Mike couldn't take that in at the moment. They tried to explain it to him but all Mike knew was that he didn't want to get into the machine.
Harvey didn't know were Mike got the strength to resist like this from. He was trying to sit up but his body was too weak, he still tried and people were holding him down. Then Mike screamed his name and Harvey couldn't stand next and watch anymore. He made his way forward and actually pushed a nurse to the side. They tried to stop him but he ignored them. He tried to connect with Mike but soon realize to his dismay that he couldn't. Mike was hysterical and Harvey felt scared. The medical personal had realized the same thing because all their efforts seemed to have changed.
Harvey kept calling Mike's name, tried to get the kid to look at him. He laid a hand over Mike's heaving chest and applied pressure while his other hand went along Mike's face. Mike was panting, making awful noises and sobbed. His muscles moved and tensed.
"Mike please!" Harvey tried. "Please, please look at me. Calm down. Mike!"
That was when he felt it! Something was going on beneath Harvey hand that was flatly pressed on Mike's chest. Above his heart.
"His heartbeat!" He exclaimed.
"Move!" Someone yelled at him and he did it. At the same time he was aware of that Mike's body became limp. It was terrifying.
"Out!" They yelled at him again when he stumbled into someone from behind. Harvey left.
It was too much. He heard how someone yelled for a defibrillator. His legs didn't carry him any longer and he sank down where he was in the hallway leaning towards the wall.
Oh Mike. Please live. He thought and closed his eyes and just waited. It was torture. He couldn't help but think that this was partly his fault. Mike was on the trial because of him. Mike had a seizure because of him.
"Sir? Mr. Spector?" A nurse stood in front of him when he opened his eyes.
"Yeah." Harvey said without moving. He might as well sit down if…
"Mr. Ross is stable. He is being moved back to his room in a few minutes. We wanted to let you know."
"Oh. Thank you."
She smiled uncertainly to him and then went back inside. Harvey remained where he was. He felt like he wanted to cry. His eyes burned.
He sat there on the floor until the doors opened and Mike was wheeled out.
Harvey got up and followed.
Donna was waiting in Mike's room.
"Oh my god! What happened?" She exclaimed when she saw that Mike was intubated.
"He couldn't handle it." Harvey just said and walked pass her and sat down.
Donna tried to ask more but Harvey just told her that not now, he couldn't answer now.
Two hours later him and Donna were alone with Mike.
"Did I do this?" Harvey asked her after some time they had spend watching Mike's chest rise up and down mechanically.
"Of course not Harvey."
"The seizure. It wouldn't have happened if I hadn't…"
"We don't know that. And Mike wanted to do this."
"Look at him. Do you think he wanted this?"
"Of course not, but you heard what they said. The stress of the MRI got to much for his heart. They should have waited. That's not on you."
Harvey sighed.
"He will get through this as well." Donna said. "You know he will."
She studied him as he watched Mike.
"You should get some sleep Harvey. I'll watch him."
Harvey agreed without a word and went to the small bed next to the wall. He fell asleep in less than a minute.
-SUITS-
Mike felt awful when he woke. Something was in his throat and he couldn't breath! Why did he have to wake up again!
The last time he had been awake he had wanted it all to end. For a moment there everything had just been chaos, both around him and in his mind. He wanted it all gone. He had wanted it to stop. To end.
It hadn't though. He was still here. Still alive. He realized that he was intubated. He didn't know why. He needed it out. He screamed. At least he tried. But it did the trick because a moment later multiple someones was next to his bed and he got ride of the tube in his throat. It hurt. He was so tired of it, the pain and the exhaustion he felt. He had been pretty good before all this, with the trial and all. Now he couldn't do anything. Except cry. Apparently he could do that. Because it was what he did. He didn't care about what anyone thought of him now. He didn't care at all. He felt like shit and let it all out. He noticed that Donna was there. It made it a bit better. But she wasn't the one he wanted.
"Har-Harvey!" He weakly called out. It hurt to speak. He cried when the older man didn't show up.
Donna shushed him, told him something about that Harvey was sleeping. She stroke his head. He cried more. He tried to take her hand in his, but she didn't understand what he wanted. So he cried some more because of that.
His chest hurt too. He didn't dare to think of why. He had had a seizure. That scared him immensely.
He fell asleep crying.
The next time he woke up he didn't feel much better. He wanted to go home. He wanted Harvey. He started to cry again. What was wrong with him? He tried a little bit he couldn't stop.
"Mike sweetheart, please tell me what's wrong." Donna's kind voice next to him. But he didn't know what wasn't wrong.
"I'm going to wake up Harvey for you, okay. Just wait one moment."
Harvey. Yes, he wanted Harvey to make it better. Harvey could do that. He turned his head and saw Harvey coming towards him.
"Hey kid, hey. What's wrong huh? Are you in pain?"
Mike nodded and cried.
Harvey nodded too. "I'm so sorry Mike." He said. He stroke Mike's arm. Mike managed to take his hand, he held on as hard as he could. Harvey took it with his other hand as well. He then brought up their hands and leaned his head against Mike's hand.
"It will be okay." He whispered. "I'm sorry Mike. It's okay now. Please try and calm down. You don't have to cry Mike. I know it's hard now. I know. I'm here. Donna is here. We love you."
Mike looked into his eyes and tried with all he had to do what Harvey wanted. At least he stopped sobbing. He couldn't do much about the stubborn tears that kept rolling down from his eyes, but Harvey didn't seem to mind.
"What happened?" Mike whispered. "Tell me."
"Okay." Harvey said, not letting go of his hand.
"Mike, you had a bad reaction to the trial drug. At least that's what they think. I don't know it could be something else. But you had a seizure Mike. And after that when you woke up again you were very upset and in pain. They examined you and decided to do a MRI, which you didn't think was a good idea." Harvey smiled a little at those last words.
"It got too much for your heart then, they had to shock you."
Mike could feel how Harvey squeezed his hand a little harder.
"Did it stop?" He asked.
Harvey nodded. "Yes it did Mike. They had to shock you one time."
"No…" Mike moaned. He had suspected it, his chest felt the same like times before.
"I'm so sorry Mike. This is partly my fault. The seizure, you wouldn't have had it if you hadn't gotten that drug."
"No." Mike said again. "Not your fault."
Harvey didn't answer but he did nod a little.
"I want to go home." Mike told him.
Harvey nodded again. "I know. I wish you could kid."
"I'm scared." Mike whispered next. He wanted Harvey to tell him not to be. He needed that. But Harvey just nodded again and looked sad.
Mike broke apart. He started crying again and turned his head away from Harvey. He was so tired and he didn't care.
Harvey mumbled words of encouragement next to him, but he didn't care.
"What's going to happen now?" He said when he felt a little done with the crying.
"What do you mean?"
"Will I have to stop the trial? Will I die for sure?"
Harvey flinched a little at his words.
"I don't know Mike. Dr. Jansson said that she would look into it. We'll have to wait and see."
"I didn't mean to!"
"To have a seizure? Mike come on, I know!" Harvey exclaimed. He continued. "I will do all I can for you. You know that. We will get through it. We will Mike."
Mike nodded. He took a deep breath. It didn't hurt as much anymore. He felt a little better. His eyes fell shut.
"Go to sleep Mike. I'm here." Harvey said. Exactly what Mike wanted to hear.
The next time he woke up he felt better. He didn't cry. Harvey was there but not Donna. She would come back sooner Harvey told him. He was examined and they asked him questions.
Dr. Lundin came by too. He wanted to talk about the MRI.
"Tell you what Mike, we have to options at this point to sedate you while we do the MRI. What would you think about that? It's important that we do it."
"Yeah, okay." Mike agreed. So they injected something in his IV and he was out a little while later. When he woke up again it was done with.
He didn't really like that much the thought of that they had moved him around like that while he was unconscious but it beat having to endure that process. He couldn't really explain why it freaked him out so much.
A day passed. Mike slept a lot. He felt a little better at times when he was awake. Not as freaked out and scared as before. Not as sad and hopeless. Harvey was there every time he woke. Harvey spoke to him, wiped his forehead, corrected his pillows or gave him something to drink. Every time Harvey was there and his presence alone made Mike feel three times better.
They found out that the reaction and seizure was from the drug, but they told him even though the seizure had been quite severe they didn't think that it was that bad. That wasn't exactly the words the doctors used but it was what Mike understood from it. He didn't have any brain damage or lasting effects of it so he was cleared to continue. Although they wanted to wait a few days since the heart problems he had had was serious as well. What Mike understood it was caused from stress and he thought that he would be more stressed out if they didn't let him continue with the trial. He had just had a bad day that's all. It was a huge lie of course and Harvey had gotten pretty mad at him when he said that.
"Bad day? Are you fucking kidding?" He had yelled and shook his head until Mike apologized.
Mike would prefer to forget it all. So he did his best in doing that. Not that he could. He felt so embarrassed every time he thought of it though, so he opted for sleeping a lot. He was good at that. Like one of the only things he was good at now a days, sleeping.
He was exhausted even when he was awake. He couldn't move his body at all, could barely lift his hands. It sucked. He just laid there. Waiting, sleeping.
"We want you to start try and eat solid food again Mike." Dr. Lundin said a few days later.
"Yeah?" Mike mumbled. He was pretty tired and the thought of eating didn't tempt him at all.
"Yes, we really need to get your strength up a bit and I think that you can handle it. The latest test shows that your values has increased a little. Food might help even more."
Mike wasn't sure but he still agreed, although it was mostly just to get to be left alone and sleep.
He heard how Harvey and the doctor spoke while he dozed off. He had expected to have something to eat that same day, but that didn't happen. He got some juice to drink that was all. They would to it slowly apparently. He could barely remember the last time he ate. That said something about his condition. He wasn't looking forward to eating at all, he didn't exactly have an appetite. But he longed for the feeling of wanting to eat, to enjoy food. He wished for that feeling back. He was thinking that if he started trying to eat again it would eventually come. The juice didn't taste much, and he didn't feel any different after drinking it. Not that he had all of it. Just a few sips, then he happened to fall asleep. When he woke up again the glass was gone.
He felt better the next morning. He wasn't in any pain. Although he woke up from it during the night and was pretty drugged up then, but wake up basically pain free was a great morning.
"You slept well?" Harvey asked when he came back from the bathroom. "You look a bit better. Dr. Jansson was here earlier while you were passed out. She wanted me to let you know that they will do a bunch of test on you tomorrow and if you are good the trial will continue."
Mike nodded. "Good." He said.
Later that day he started to have a bit difficult to breathe. He had a nasal cannula ever since his heart had stopped the last time, but now they switched him over to an oxygen mask for a couple of hours.
He got rid of it in the afternoon but he still felt a bit out of breath and it made it difficult to talk. Harvey seemed to be a bit bored so he talked a lot and then patiently waited until Mike had formed sentences in response.
-SUITS-
It was quiet in Mike's room. A nurse had just been by with dinner. It had been decided that Mike was ready to try a bit more solid food. Harvey was a bit confused because what was on the tray on the small table by the bed looked like some sort of thick soup. How solid was that? Harvey had taken on the task to get Mike to eat it. He was sleeping now though, he had fallen asleep in the middle of their conversation. Mike had had some trouble with breathing today, it terrified Harvey, but he concentrated on acting normal, like it wasn't a big deal. So he had forced Mike to talk to him.
Now Harvey wasn't sure if he should wake Mike or not. He decided to just wait a while. Mike probably didn't want to eat at all, and if he was tired too it wouldn't help.
Half an hour later Mike stirred, he was checked out and his food was heated up and they were left alone again.
"So, dinner is served." Harvey smirked when Mike blinked lazily at him. Mike just huffed.
"You must be hungry, you haven't eaten in ages. It's time, you know."
"Wh..what… Is…it?" Mike breathed and tried to open his eyes a bit further.
"It's…eh…warm." Harvey said and stirred a bit in the bowl.
"That's…all you can…say about…it?"
"Well, I think it's some sort of tomato soup."
"Awe…some."
"Yeah, right. Remember they said you should try and eat some now?"
Mike moved his head affirmative.
"This is it."
Harvey rose Mike's bed a bit. "You think you can eat by yourself or do want some help?"
Mike hesitated just a bit. "Help." He then said. Harvey nodded, thankful for the fact that Mike obviously realized himself that he wouldn't be able to hold the spoon, and also for the fact that Mike was willing to eat.
Harvey brought the spoon to Mike's mouth, but he didn't open it. "Mike."
He did open his mouth then and let Harvey feed him the soup. It was a slow process. Mike needed at least a minute between the spoons.
"How is it?" Harvey asked.
Mike just glared a bit at him and let Harvey give him another spoon.
"Well?"
"It's not…good." Mike said then, but he smiled a little. "Doesn't taste much."
Mike had had about seven spoons of soup when someone knocked on the door and Louis stepped inside to both Harvey's and Mike's surprise. Harvey remembered that Donna had said something about Louis wanting to come, but that was before the whole seizure thing. She must have let Louis know though, that Mike was feeling better now.
When Louis stepped inside the room Mike that just had opened his mouth for the next spoon. Now he closed it again causing Harvey to smear some tomato soup over his cheek. Mike groaned.
"Hi, I hope I'm not interrupting." Louis said.
"Not at all." Harvey said and wiped Mike's cheek. "Nice to see you Louis."
"Nice to see you too Harvey." He turned to Mike. "Mike. How are you doing?"
"Better." Was all Mike said.
"That's good. I see that they are giving you food again."
"They are. It's his first meal." Harvey said and held up another spoon. Mike didn't open his mouth though. "No." He said.
"Come on, you can barely tell that you had anything." Harvey looked down into the bowl. Damn it, Mike couldn't stop now. He had what, seven spoons. That wasn't a meal, it was nothing.
"Mike, please don't fight this. Just a bit more?" Harvey didn't care that he basically begged Mike, and in front of Louis too, but he just needed Mike to eat this. The kid looked half dead. He needed some nutrition.
Mike glanced over towards Louis who had sat down on a vacant chair.
"Do you want Louis to do it?" Harvey asked then on an impulse. Of course he knew that Mike wouldn't want that at all, and Louis arrival was most likely the reason Mike didn't want to eat any more. He thought it was embarrassing to be fed like this. But after everything, why care about that?
Mike of course said no to Harvey's question and looked shocked but Harvey smirked and just handed the bowl over to Louis.
"No…come…on!" Mike panted and Louis looked surprised, but accepted the bowl.
"Mike it's okay. Nobody cares here. Just let him do it."
"We can't be at hundred percent at all time Mike, sometimes we all need help." Louis said and held up a spoon to him. Mike looked devastated for a few seconds and then just open his mouth.
Louis however didn't seem to care much about Mike's discomfort, he just started engaging Mike in a conversation and patiently waited for him to finish his sentences. Harvey sat mostly quiet. Mike finished about half of the bowl before he couldn't eat anymore.
"I'm...tired." He said and Harvey lowered his bed. He was asleep within two minutes. Harvey was sometimes amazed how fast he would pass out.
"You handled that well, Louis. You are good with him."
"I'm nothing compared to you." Louis said. "How is he doing now? What's with his speech?"
Harvey shrugged. "He is better than before, like he said. He had some breathing problems today. Hence the long pauses."
Louis nodded.
"I heard that he had a really rough time the other day. I hope it's okay that I came today. Donna told me that it would be fine."
"Yes, it was awful. But it's good that you came. I'm sure he appreciates it."
Louis nodded again. "I was nervous." He suddenly admitted. "I wasn't sure on what to say to him."
"He's still Mike." Harvey simply said.
"I know. But he looks so different. And to see him like this…" Louis paused and shook his head.
Harvey sighed. "I know."
They sat in silence watching Mike for a while.
"How is the office?" Harvey asked then and for about half an hour Louis told him about their latest cases. He left after that.
"Tell Mike that it was nice to see him. I'll be back later."
"Sure. It was nice to see you Louis."
Louis stood with wide eyes for a moment but then nodded. "To see you too Harvey."
Harvey turned back to Mike who was still dead to the world. He had his mouth opened while he slept. Harvey looked into the soup bowl. Mike had finished almost half, which was good news. At least for his first meal in weeks.
Unfortunately for Mike he wasn't able to keep the food for long. Shortly after he woke up a few hours later he threw up. Harvey couldn't help but sigh. Back to square one.
Mike took it harder though.
"I'm…I'm s-so-sorry." He panted afterwards. "I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…I wasn't going to…It wasn't on purpose."
"Don't worry about it. I know you couldn't help it." Harvey gave him some water.
Mike looked like he didn't believe a word that Harvey was saying, but he didn't say anything. Instead he just laid there in bed looking up into the ceiling, blinking slowly. Harvey could see how his chin trembled and water rose in his eyes.
"Mike, it's okay. You couldn't help it." Harvey comforted.
"I can't…do anything." Mike whispered.
Harvey took a hold of his hand then and was a bit surprised when Mike hugged it for all he was worth. Which wasn't the much.
"You have to give yourself some time." Harvey said. "It was the first time in a long time you ate."
Mike didn't answer and wasn't looking at him. Harvey squeezed his hand a little.
"Come on Mike."
Mike ignored him again.
"You know you did a good job, you know. Even if Louis was then one that fed you."
Mike glared at him and removed his hand from Harvey's. Harvey leaned back in his chair and watched him.
"What?" He asked.
Mike turned his head away from him.
"What are you doing?" Harvey asked with a smirk. "Are you sulking now?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, for what?"
"You let Louis…fed me."
Harvey laughed. "Yeah, sorry about that."
"You're mean."
"Sure. Heh. He's not that bad though."
"No." Mike agreed.
Mike was still very weak and couldn't even sit up by himself. He didn't manage to eat by himself either, even after trying.
He had been given soup again and insisted to do it himself, Harvey being very encouraging. They had him propped up on pillows but the muscles in his arm wouldn't cooperate. He managed about three shaky spoons before his arm gave out and the spoon of soup ended up on his chest. He tried again and this time he managed to put his hand inside the bowl and tip it over. Harvey wasn't fast enough to save it.
However Mike's reaction to it was the worst that happened. He was so apologetic, like he was scared that Harvey thought Mike was doing it on purpose and he thought that Harvey would be pissed at him. Harvey spent a lot of time reassuring him that so wasn't the case. He hated the worried looks Mike threw in his direction. Mike was also angry and disappointed at himself.
"I suck!" He exclaimed behind clenched teeth, and Harvey could see that he fought tears. He turned his head away from Harvey as much as he could.
"Look Mike. I've told you that you have to give it time."
"But how much time?" Mike voice broke.
"I don't know kid." Harvey sighed. "Do you want me to get you something else to eat?"
"No, I'll screw that up too."
"No, you won't. And besides, I will help you."
"No."
"Okay. We'll try again in an hour." Harvey decided. Mike didn't answer so Harvey let him be. A few minutes later Mike's breaths had even out and he was asleep. When he woke again he let Harvey help him to eat without a word.
The next day was filled with test for Mike's part. Harvey came along on most of them, but wasn't allowed for two hours. Harvey spent the time on heading to the gym. It felt liberating to get rid of some of the pent up stress and frustration.
Mike received the next dose of the trial drug the day after. Both Mike and Harvey were nervous. Harvey even noticed that Mike was trembling while they were waiting for it.
"I'm fine Harvey." Mike insisted though.
But afterwards he couldn't hide his anxiety anymore and Harvey did his best to calm him down. The dosage of the drug had been lowered. It meant that Mike's possible reactions would most likely not be as severe but also that the trial period would be extended. That meant a lower success rate according Dr. Jansson, but she also said that it was preferable since the risks for Mike were lower as well. They couldn't have him seizing and having a heart failure every time. Harvey strongly agreed.
-SUITS-
Thank you for reading and for all of your reviews. I hope you liked this chapter