Beating the odds

by LioSky

Something was going on with Mike, and it wasn't anything good. He felt it, and Harvey had noticed it. It was not like it was the first time either. But this time it was nothing that either of them could control. As it turns out Mike is sick, really sick. He is going to need help, and a lot of it.

63. Chapter 63 - Apathy

Chapter 63.

Mike knew that something was wrong when he woke up but he wasn't sure what it was. He blinked a few times and looked around him. Things seemed to be normal, except for a dull headache. He was on his bed in his room, the door was a little ajar and the baby monitor was placed as close to him as it was possible on the night stand.

It hit him full on then. He couldn't remember everything as clearly as he did everything else but it was still all there. Him falling out of bed and hitting his head, going to the hospital, headaches, him trying to leave the hospital and feeling weird inside the cab. He started to breathe a bit quicker now when he remembered the next part. The police, the ride in the police car, that other hospital, medical staff he didn't know. Had he even realized that he wasn't at his normal hospital, he had been so out of it? And then the MRI. Oh no, they had wanted to do an MRI on him. He couldn't really explain why he thought they were so difficult. He really needed to work on that. But they had tied him up! They had strapped him to a bed and just left him there. He had called for Harvey. He had cried a whole lot and had practically been hysterical. He hadn't had any control over himself. Not really. As usual he felt humiliated now when he thought back on it. But he had been in a panic mode. He had just reacted. Pretty awful reactions but still.

Things hadn't been better when they had gotten home. He had been a mess then too. He had been convinced that Harvey was pissed at him. He had tried to apologize for whatever he had done. Harvey had been there with him the whole time. He had hugged him, he remembered that now. Harvey had yet again been there for him. Maybe not the entire day, but when he had needed him. That was awesome and the only good memory of the previous day.

Yesterday had been a new experience for him. One he wished he never had to relive. He had actually been treated badly and it scared him now when he thought about it. He had been so upset that he probably had been in danger because of his heart. The hospital staff he met had solved it by tying him up like he had been some sort of crazy person. Yesterday all he had been was scared but now it felt humiliating.

He had been sort of crazy though, he knew he hadn't been himself. He had been out of it, not really aware of what he had been doing or what that had been going on around him. It was all so hard to think about and he wish he could forget it. This wasn't supposed to happen to him. He was supposed to be getting better. He wasn't supposed to totally freak out any longer. He had though and now he had to deal with the aftermath of it all. That wasn't something he wanted to do though, he wished he could just forget it. However he couldn't, instead it was all edged in his mind and lay over him like a thick blanket of unease. He almost thought he could feel the binds dig into his wrist, but when he looked at them there was no traces of them.

He didn't know how he was supposed to act now. How was he supposed to move on from it? How was he supposed to let this go when it felt like this?

He ended up hugging his arms close to his chest and was in that position when Harvey came into his room about thirty minutes later.

"You should have said something if you were awake!" Harvey said. He looked a bit uncertain. Mike knew that he was thinking about yesterday as well. Harvey felt uncomfortable around him now.

"Good morning." Mike said in an attempt to pretend that he was fine. He had to force his arms down to a more normal position.

"Eh… yeah sure. Good morning to you too. How are you feeling? Is it a good morning?" Harvey looked at him, apparently he didn't fall for Mike's attempts for a normal behavior.

"Better than yesterday at least."

"That's not really saying a lot though." Harvey still looked uncertain and Mike felt a bit more uncomfortable than before.

"I know. I remember it." He got out.

"You do? All of it?"

"Pretty much."

"You were pretty out of it."

"Yes, I remember that too. I made a complete fool of myself again."

"No. You didn't. You were distressed and traumatized. It wasn't your fault." Harvey shook his head. "The way they treated you…"

Mike didn't know what to say. He wished Harvey would shut up. He wanted Harvey to leave again.

"Mike, what they did to you it wasn't right. I'm not going to let this go, I'll make them…"

"Yes you will let it go!" Mike exclaimed. "I know it wasn't right what they did to me but I don't want to think about it anymore."

Harvey clenched his teeth. "They tied you up Mike! You have heart cancer for god sakes! They could have killed you! How can you think that I can let that go?" Harvey shook his head like he thought Mike was crazy for suggesting something so stupid. Mike closed his eyes for a moment. He didn't want to talk about this but didn't know how to make Harvey understand that.

"I know…" He mumbled now. "I know that Harvey. I was there."

"Good. Then you understand that I can't let this go."

Mike swallowed. "Well, I feel humiliated. I just feel bad thinking about it." He looked away from Harvey and crossed his arms over his chest again. Harvey paused for a moment.

"You shouldn't have to feel that way."

"You are the one that won't let it go."

"It's because I want justice for you. They treated you badly and I think there should be consequences."

"Thanks, Harvey. But can you just leave me out of it please."

Harvey let out a deep sigh but nodded. "Fine Mike. Is it anything I can do to make you feel better then?"

Mike smiled a little. "We could watch something?"

"Or we could have breakfast." Harvey decided. They did watch a movie after breakfast though and Mike did feel a bit better. At least for a few hours, then he got a pretty bad headache and spent a few hours laying in bed with a pillow pressed over his head in an effort to dull the pain that meds couldn't lessen.

He slept off and on and ate a little of the food Harvey prepared for him. The day passed like that. It was starting to get dark outside and he had slept most of the day. He had nightmares about being tied up and trying to get away. He was screaming in the dream and was awaken by Harvey shaking his arm.

"What is it? What's wrong? Mike talk to me." Harvey was saying. He was sitting on the edge of the bed and held on to Mike's shoulder.

"What?" Mike slurred.

"You were screaming. You yelled my name."

Great. Mike felt himself blushing a bit. "Nightmare." He grunted and buried his head back into the pillows.

"Oh." Harvey said but kept his hand on Mike. It felt nice. Harvey then patted his shoulder a bit and stood up. "I think you need some dinner." He said. "Are you up for some real food or do want something nutritious?"

Mike rolled his eyes at him. "You know Harvey? That is what's considered real food."

"What are you talking about?" Harvey said. "Chinese or pizza?"

Mike just shook his head and let Harvey chose for them. He wasn't really up for either of the two but he had some of the Chinese food Harvey put in his hands. They had a pretty nice evening after that. They watched about four episodes of a horror TV-show Mike had found on Netflix. It turned out that Harvey actually was easily scared. Mike noticed how he flinched now and then while trying not to let it show. Mike mocked him for it though, every time until Harvey decided mid-episode that they were going to watch something else. He just took the remote and changed to a documentary about crisis on Wall Street. Mike complained for a while until he fell asleep. Harvey woke him up an hour later and told him to go to bed. Mike groaned a bit and turned his head away. He wasn't really ready to get up yet.

"Mike, come on kid. It's pretty late. I have your meds here."

Harvey had to help him to stand up and kept a hand on his elbow as he steered him to the bathroom and then his bed.

"Hey!" Harvey exclaimed when Mike almost fell over. "Almost there."

Mike told him he was fine but didn't know if he managed to convince Harvey or not. He sat down heavily on the bed and had to close his eyes a bit to make the room stop spinning. Harvey helped him to lay down and then arranged the cover over him.

"Good night Mike. Just call out or something if you need me." Harvey said and Mike closed his eyes.

Nightmare again. He could feel himself jerking awake. When he opened his eyes panic hit him and he turned his head towards the side in hopes of seeing Harvey there. He didn't. His heart was beating uncomfortably hard in his chest and it scared him. He couldn't remember the dream now, all that was left of it was the feeling of panic. He resented it and just wanted it to stop, wanted the feeling gone. He just knew that he needed to get out of here and find Harvey. He didn't want to be here alone. Harvey would help him. Before even his mind registered what he was doing he was sitting up in bed and had his leg to the side.

He felt dizzy as soon as he was upright and he remembered what had happened last time. He made sure to stay clear of the nightstand. He sat on the edge of the bed as long as he deemed necessary and then shakily stood up. He managed to get out of his bedroom before it got too much and he stumbled and fell to the ground. He stayed on all fours for a moment before he was able to get back on his feet. He didn't feel so good. He reached Harvey's bedroom and saw that the other man was sleeping. Of course he was, it was the middle of the night, but Mike still felt disappointed that he hadn't woken up. Maybe he was tired. Mike shouldn't wake him. He stood there for a while clinging to the doorframe watching Harvey sleep.

He should go back, but his legs were shaking and he wasn't sure he would be able to. Besides he didn't want to be alone. He made his decision and stumbled over to Harvey's bed. He kind of fell onto it but Harvey slept on, so Mike settled for crawling up next to him.

He didn't have a blanket or anything, but it would take too much effort now to get under Harvey's cover, besides it would be a little weird. This was still a bit weird but right now he didn't care. He was feeling better now, calmer. Harvey somehow had that effect on him. This was just what he had been looking for. Harvey still hadn't woken up and Mike found that he didn't need him to either. He was content with just being close to the older man. As he closed his eyes he could still hear Harvey's deep breathing.

-SUITS-

Harvey opened his eyes slowly. Something had woken him, a sound that wasn't supposed to be there. He looked to the side the sound had come from and jerked in surprise when he saw Mike laying curled up next to him. It had been Mike coughing in his sleep that had woken him. He sat up and studied the kid. He looked fine, maybe a bit cold from the way he was hugging his arms towards his chest. Where had he come from? And how long had he been there?

It was still pretty early so Harvey decided that they both could sleep a while longer. He carefully got out of bed and brought a blanket from the chair in the corner. He carefully spread it over Mike and made sure it covered him properly. Then he laid down on his side of the bed again. He didn't really understand how Mike had been able to lay down next to him without him waking up. Did he sleep that heavy? It was a bit worrying actually. What if he didn't wake up if Mike called for him?

Harvey wondered if there had been a nightmare that sent Mike to him. He didn't know why Mike hadn't woken him though, but maybe it had been enough to be close. Whatever it was he felt a bit touched by it, even if he didn't like that Mike had decided to walk by himself after what had happened.

He needed to talk to Mike about it as soon as he woke up, for now he laid down again and closed his eyes. He could hear Mike's deep breathing next to him.

Mike was still sleeping the next time Harvey woke up. He went up and got Mike's morning dose of pills and some water and then laid back down on bed with his laptop. He studied Mike's features. Mike had a rather large dressing at his forehead from where he had hit his head. Harvey didn't even know if he had stitches or not. That had never come up, just that he had a concussion. The concussion was also the reason for much of Mike's behavior last night. Adam had told him that common side effects of concussions were confusion, headaches and dizziness. Mike had most likely had it all. It had been stupid to send him to the hospital alone, but it was a mistake Harvey wouldn't make again.

Mike stirred a while later and Harvey looked over to him just as his eyes opened. He blinked a few times looking confused, even more so when he saw Harvey. His mouth opened but he then closed it. He must have remembered.

"Hi." He said, still in the same position.

"Hey there." Harvey said and smiled at him.

"You must be wondering what I'm doing here." Mike said sheepishly.

"A little bit, yes." Harvey answered.

Mike blushed a bit now and looked like he considered pulling the blanket over his face.

"Yeah… me too." He mumbled, but then looked into Harvey's eyes. "I just had a nightmare Harvey." He said. "I wanted…" He stopped and Harvey waited in the hopes of something else that might come. But nothing did and Harvey nodded a little.

"It's fine Mike. Come whenever you want. But I do prefer if you just called for me instead. You are not supposed to get up on your own yet, remember?"

Mike looked away. "I know." He weakly said and suddenly looked so crushed, that Harvey abandoned his further plans on lecturing him. Instead he patted Mike's head lightly.

"I don't want you to injure this more than you already have."

"Okay." Mike said and closed his eyes again. Harvey didn't let him go back to sleep though, instead he had him sit up and pushed the pills and glass of water in his hands. Mike took them without complaints and also ate a toast before going back to sleep again. Harvey had decided to let him eat in bed so he wouldn't have to move. He had stayed there too wondering if it was the first time he had breakfast in his own bed.

"Harvey?" Mike asked about four hours later. He had woken up a little earlier but hadn't really spoken or moved much. He also wasn't interested in eating anything else. Harvey was about to get his answer as to why.

"Yes."

"I think I need to throw up."

"Oh shit! Hold on!" Harvey was out of bed in seconds and rushed to get Mike something to puke in. He found the usual bucket and was luckily back in time to be able to help Mike sit up and then thrust it in his lap. He didn't dare to remove his hand from Mike's shoulder and it felt like he was holding up most of his weight.

Mike coughed a little and grimaced when he was done. He accepted the water to rinse his mouth with from Harvey and then sank back down on the bed. Harvey watched how he hugged himself the best he could. He sighed a bit to himself at the sight of the kid and then went to clean out the bucket. He did it without thinking about what he was doing, having done it so many times before.

Mike seemed to be feeling a little bit better when he woke up from his next nap. He claimed that he didn't feel sick anymore and the headache he had had earlier had lessened.

Harvey was working on some files and had bit of a hard time focusing. Working out of bed wasn't the most practical place but he didn't want to suggest they move. Another thing was that Mike was pretty distracting. It wasn't really anything the younger man did, not at first, but just that he was there made Harvey focus a lot of his attention towards him.

Mike hadn't asked to help this time and now he was just sitting there next to him, doing nothing at all. When Harvey glanced at him it looked like he was lost in thought. Harvey noticed that he was slowly moving back and forth. At first he didn't think much about it but Mike kept it up. Soon Harvey couldn't concentrate at all, because always in the corner of his eyes there was Mike rocking back and forth. It made Harvey uncomfortable and he sort of couldn't let it go. It was just like what Mike had done the day before, except that then he had been on the floor next to his hospital bed, like he had been hiding from something terrible. Why was Mike doing it here?

"Damn it Mike, why are you doing that?" Harvey exclaimed after about ten minutes. He hadn't meant for it to come out that way, it just slipped out of his mouth. It was just that he needed to know.

"What?" Mike asked and looked genuinely surprised.

"You're rocking back and forth!"

"No, I'm not." Mike looked away from him but his movements stilled.

"Yes you were, you did that at the hospital as well."

"I don't know." Mike said and Harvey thought he looked upset.

"Come on, talk to me."

"I said I don't know why I do it. It calms me down, I guess."

"Are you upset about something?"

Mike sighed and looked away. "No." He mumbled.

"Okay then." Harvey smiled at him. "Sit still then will you." It was meant as a joke but Mike just looked down and nodded silently. He stilled though. Harvey was able to focus on the computer for a bit but he didn't like what he saw the next time he looked over towards Mike. He sat a bit slumped forward, staring down at his lap with his fist tightly closed. It looked like he fought to stay as still as possible, which was a bit ridiculous if that was in fact what he was doing.

"You okay?" Harvey asked, but Mike didn't answer him so Harvey decided to leave him be for a while. He couldn't for long though because he noticed that Mike now was starting to shake. He was still in the same position as before, it was just that now his body trembled. Something was wrong.

"Mike? How are you doing?"

Still no answer. Harvey put his laptop away and tried to catch Mike's eyes.

"Mike?" Mike still didn't react and Harvey grew worried. The younger man kept the same position he was in but now Harvey clearly could see that he was shaking, it had worsened. His eyes caught the sight of one of Mike's hands. He thought he could see something red there!

"Hey!" He exclaimed and leaned forward and took a hold of Mike's hand and bent it up towards him. Mike was digging his fingernails so hard into his palm that he had drawn blood. At first Harvey just stared at the hand in shook but then he reacted. He got his fingers between Mike's and bent them up, the way Mike reacted was almost scary. He didn't say a word but he did let Harvey remove his fingers while he was looking down still. Harvey took his other hand and did the same thing with that.

He was holding Mike's hands now, palms up and could see four deep marks on every hand. A few had torn the skin and a little blood was visible. It was like Mike himself didn't see it, at least he didn't react. Harvey stroke the wounded area with his thumb.

"What did you do Mike?" Harvey found himself whispering. He let go of Mike's hands and acted on impulse as he pulled the younger man against him. He wrapped his arms around Mike and leaned his head against the kid's. Mike just followed in his moments without any reaction and Harvey could feel how his own pulse quickened. Something was going on here, something that was very wrong. Why wasn't he reacting? Was this something medical? Was he in some sort of cramps or was it a type of seizure? Should he call an ambulance?

"It's okay now. It's okay Mike. It's okay." He shushed in Mike's ear, not knowing if Mike could hear him or not, he was still so tense in his arms. "You can relax." He added. "It's okay."

It seemed like Mike was listening to him at least, because he breathed out forcefully and drew a few deep breaths while his body started to relax a little. Harvey didn't let him go, but could feel how Mike leaned into him a bit more. Harvey kept his grip on him and stroked his arm up and down.

"You feeling better?" Harvey asked after a minute or two.

Mike didn't answer him so Harvey decided to wait a bit longer.

Harvey didn't know for how long they sat like that, maybe it was just five minutes, maybe more. Then Mike drew a shuddering breathe and Harvey felt how he tensed again. Harvey realized that he was trying to sit up, so he helped him. They sat in from of each other, Harvey still had his hand on Mike's arm. Mike didn't look at him.

"You doing okay? You had me pretty worried there."

Mike shrugged a bit and looked down on his lap.

"Mike you got to talk to me here. I want to know what's going on."

Mike quickly met his eyes before he looked down again. "I was… I was staying still." He said weakly.

Harvey found himself just staring at him. His mouth opened but he closed it again. He didn't move.

"Yes. Yes, you… you did." He got out.

Mike nodded. He nodded again and again like he was unaware he was doing it. It scared Harvey. He wanted him to stop.

"You…" Harvey started but stopped and swallowed. "You don't have to stay still anymore." He said.

Mike blinked a little. "Okay." He slowly said. He was quiet for a moment. "I want to lay down." He didn't move though and Harvey felt something inside him turn when he realized that Mike was waiting for his approval. What had happened for them to be like this all of a sudden? What was going on in Mike's head?

Seeing Mike just sit there with his head bent down made his eyes want to tear up. He was pretty sure that Mike wasn't aware of that he was just slightly rocking himself back and forth yet again. This was all so wrong. He wanted to pull Mike towards him again, or maybe shake him hard and tell him that he didn't need to be like this around Harvey. Instead he squeezed Mike's shoulder a bit and told him that he was going to help him lay down. Mike didn't look at him as he did.

"Do you want a blanket?" He asked and received a nod so Harvey spread one over him.

"You in pain?" Harvey asked and Mike nodded again.

"Why didn't you tell me? Your chest? Your head?"

Nod.

"I'll just go and get you a glass of water and the pills." He said deciding not to investigate which of the two it had been. Maybe both? He left before Mike could nod like that again. He prayed that Mike wouldn't freak out again when he was left alone and Harvey did his best in hurrying up. However when he came back Mike was in the exact same situation as when he left him. He accepted the pills and the glass of water, then leaned back and closed his eyes.

Harvey wished the kid would do or say something, not just lay there. Something was clearly wrong. This was mental not physical Harvey realized. It felt harder, somehow worse. Harvey's heart was still beating hard and he felt sweaty. Mike had turned slightly away from him with closed eyes which indicated that the younger man wasn't that interested in talking, but Harvey didn't think he should leave this alone. He sat down next to Mike on the bed.

"Mike? Is there something wrong?"

Mike didn't answer at first and Harvey almost thought he was asleep. But then he mumbled a no.

"Yeah, I don't believe that Mike. You know that I know something is bothering you. Just tell me what it is."

"But Harvey…" Mike mumbled into the pillow. "If I can just stay here it will be fine."

"Of course you can stay here. But it's just the way you acted just now, like you zoned out, I'd like to talk about that."

Mike didn't answer.

"It was scary Mike."

"Sorry."

"No, don't say you are sorry. I just want to know what caused you to do that. Was it something I did or said? I won't be mad at you if it was."

"It wasn't you." Mike answered right away making it hard for Harvey to believe him. "I don't know why. I was just worried."

"Worried about what?"

Mike let out a sigh. "You know what." His voice shook a bit.

"Okay. Okay then." Harvey said. He realized that he wasn't making anything better right now, rather the opposite. But the fact that Mike wanted to stay close to him meant that he wasn't feeling well at all at the moment. Sometimes he just wished that Mike would give him clear instructions on what he wanted him to do to fix the situation. But this wasn't like in the courtroom where there was clear laws to follow, this was complex emotions and Mike probably didn't know the answers himself. Or maybe he had given the answer already.

-SUITS-

Harvey was quiet next to him now. That was good. Mike didn't want to talk. All he wanted right now was to just lay there in silence. If he just could lay there it would be fine eventually. The panic that was pressing him down into the bed would ease up eventually. It would be better, he would feel better, he just had to.

Why couldn't he just get a grip on himself? What was wrong with him?

And what had happened just now? It had been like he had been locked inside himself. It hadn't just been scary for Harvey, it had been scary for him too. He had gotten stuck and he hadn't really known what he had been doing. He had focused on staying still. Again and again he had repeated it in his mind, that he had to stay still. He didn't even know why that had been so important. His mind was so messed up. He got tired of himself. Why couldn't he act normal?

He had decided to do that now. All he had to do was to lay here on Harvey's bed and wait. He could do that. Harvey had said that he was allowed to stay. That was good. He could stay and everything was going to be fine then. He would feel better soon.

He jerked a bit when Harvey's hand suddenly came down and placed itself on his shoulder blade. At first he thought Harvey wanted him to do something and felt himself stiffen but Harvey didn't say anything or do anything, he just kept his hand on Mike's back. That was great and such a relief. It made him feel safe and it made him feel calmer. Harvey's hand on his back grounded him. He closed his eyes then and soon he felt himself drift off.

Harvey was still there when he woke up again. Of course he was. Mike smiled a little towards him when he managed to turn on his back and Harvey saw that he was awake.

"Hi. You feeling better?" Harvey asked right away. Mike nodded. He felt slightly better. Not as panicked, not as shaky. When Harvey asked if he wanted something to eat he said yes and saw that Harvey was pleased to hear it.

Harvey took him by the arm and walked him over to the living room and the couch. They sat down together and Harvey put a movie on. They watched two in a row. And then they went back to Harvey's bedroom. The older man didn't even mention anything about it when he brought Mike's cover over from his bed and put it over him. He was so incredibly grateful towards Harvey. Harvey just nodded when he quietly thanked him before they fell asleep.

He felt a bit better the next day. Harvey came with him to the hospital and he was examined for his head. It was fine apparently. They still wanted him to be careful when he got up from places.

"I sort of get that." Mike said and earned himself a glare from Harvey. They examined him for other stuff too and then told him that they would start the chemo and radiation again, along with the trial drugs. They said he was up for it and that they wanted to act now. Before what, Mike wanted to ask but didn't. He felt weird. Weird in his head this time. He had a bit of a hard time caring about what they said about the treatment. It was going to suck and but everything else sucked anyway now, so he might as well do it.

The next day it happened and it did suck. He felt terrible. Donna came to see him a bit at the hospital but didn't follow them home. Mike didn't know why. A couple of days followed like that. It felt blurry. Time just passed. He didn't feel right, it felt like he couldn't keep up, like he wasn't entirely there.

He slept in his own bed again, but Harvey stayed until he fell asleep. He felt like he could handle it again, or it was the numbness that laid over him. He called for Harvey on the second night when he woke up in terror, and Harvey had come.

He had been laying there panting and shaking trying to just stop doing both, but Harvey came and just sat down on his bed and place a hand on his shoulder. He was so gentle with him, sat there and spoke quietly and then laid down next to him. Mike was grateful.

Harvey took him to the couch the next day and he got to lay down there. Harvey had put a lot of pillows there. Mike thought that it was more than yesterday but he couldn't be sure. He had a hoodie and his head was covered by the hood of it so he wouldn't get cold. Harvey helped him to sit down and then lifted his legs up so that he could lay down. Then Harvey covered him with a blanket and told him that he could sleep if he wanted. Mike did so.

He was so tired. It was like body had been equipped with a filter that lay over him from all sides and was pushing down everything else that was him. He felt numb. It was a strange feeling because nothing else was really there. He found that he liked it. He could just close his eyes and disappear. Sometimes he dreamed, sometimes it was just nothing until he opened his eyes again. The numbness was still there. He was laying there blinking up into the ceiling just waiting for his eyes to close again.

Harvey came sometimes and wanted him to do things. Things like drinking water, taking pills, eating a sandwich or going to the bathroom. Harvey sat next to him sometimes. He asked if Mike wanted to watch a movie but Mike wasn't sure if he answered or not. He didn't know if a movie played or not either.

He didn't know how much time passed. He moved to his bed sometimes so maybe it was days. He didn't know why he was like this. He didn't know what was happening. He had never been like this before. Shut off. He wondered briefly if he was dying and if this was his last moments alive. He found that it didn't really bother him that much if it was. However that scared him. That was something that he wanted to care about.

-SUITS-

It was enough now. Harvey was going to take Mike to the hospital today and get them to figure out what the hell was wrong with Mike this time. He wasn't supposed to be like this. Something was seriously wrong. He didn't know when it had started but it was clearly worse now.

At first Mike was just unusually quiet, but now he didn't speak at all. He just laid there on the couch or in his bed or wherever Harvey put him. Mike did whatever he told him to do, he ate or drank, went to the bathroom or slowly got up and followed Harvey to his bed when he told him to. Sure Harvey had to lead him by the arm there, but Mike didn't say anything against it. He didn't even protest when Harvey left the room. At first he hurried as usual when he left Mike alone, but when he got back to the kid he didn't react. He just laid there and blinked slowly. Harvey had been relieved at first, but now he wasn't. Now he almost felt close to panic when Mike didn't look after him when he left. Mike didn't answer when he was spoken to either, unless Harvey leaned in front of him and almost shook him to get his attention. It was like the kids mind had slipped away somewhere, like he wasn't really there anymore.

Harvey couldn't take it any longer. This had to be something seriously wrong. He wished now that he had agreed to Adams offer of coming over, but Harvey had said that he was taking care of Mike today. He wasn't equipped to deal with this though, maybe the nurse would have been able to tell him what was wrong with Mike. Because something had to be seriously wrong, it just had to.

Mike sat on the bed after Harvey had helped him up. He didn't do anything just sat there with an emotionless expression. Harvey wished he would start crying or something. He would have preferred to see Mike in panic if this was his other option. Panic he was pretty sure on how to handle. This, he had no idea. He had tried everything short of slapping Mike on the face to wake him up, get him to react. It was just so scary to watch Mike just sitting there looking at the same spot on the floor.

Harvey had gotten him a clean set of clothes and walked over to Mike with them now. Mike didn't react when he stepped into his line of sight.

"I have clothes here for you. Do you want me to help you put them on?" Harvey asked him but didn't get a reply. He sat down on his heels in front of Mike to be able to look into his eyes. He grabbed Mike's legs to keep his balance and Mike's eyes wondered over to his hands.

"Mike, it's going to be okay. I'm taking you to the hospital now to figure out what's going on, okay?"

He didn't get a reply and Harvey pulled the hoodie of him and then his t-shirt. He shivered a bit when he was without a shirt, and Harvey's eyes couldn't help going to the incision after his heart operations on his chest. Mike didn't help at all when Harvey dressed him. Harvey had to grab his arms and tread them through the arms of the new hoodie. He didn't meet his eyes, but followed him across the condo and out the door when they were finished.

Harvey had booked an appointment the day before with Dr. Lundin and they went to his office this time. Mike just walked where Harvey steered him. He hadn't spoken a word during the entire morning. Harvey wasn't sure if Mike knew where he was. Mike didn't answer when his doctor greeted him. He blinked slowly as Harvey explained the current situation. The older man in front of them listened and nodded. He then asked Mike a few question which Mike didn't respond to.

"Do you see?! Why is he acting like that? What's wrong with him?"

The doctor didn't want to answer that but wanted to have Mike examined. Harvey was there during all of it. He was almost glad when Mike flinched away when they checked his blood pressure.

The doctor managed to get a few answers out of Mike, but it was mostly yes or no. He said that he was tired, which clearly was the case, but it couldn't be all. They got to wait a bit on in an exam room after. Mike was sitting on the exam table looking at nothing. Harvey sat down next to him and put his arm around Mike and pulled him a bit towards him.

"You are scaring me here Mike." He said quietly. "If you somehow think that you have to act in a certain way now, just forget it. Just…just…" He didn't know what to say after that, so he didn't continue, Mike didn't answer anyway. He wanted to tell Mike to snap out of it, to get back to the way he was before. He wondered if all of this was somehow triggered by Mike's incident at the other hospital. He wondered if it was something mental, if Mike was ill in another way than before now. But he could feel how Mike leaned into him now and leaned his head towards Harvey's shoulder. His body started to relax more. Harvey couldn't see his face but judging from Mike's current breathing he had fallen asleep. Just like that.

Harvey let out a sigh and decided to just stay where he was. Mike must be in need of sleep then. The younger man felt so small against him, almost like a child, and Harvey was overwhelmed with an urge to just protect him. So he stayed still until it was a soft knock on the door and the doctor was back in the room. He smiled sadly when he saw the state Mike was in.

"Hey Harvey." He said quietly. "Do you want to wake him up or should we talk like this?"

"Just tell me what's going on with him." Harvey whispered.

"Well, most of his results came back positive. He is doing rather well physically, some values were a bit on the bad side, but nothing that causes concern."

"So you are saying this is more mentally." Harvey said.

"Yes, I am. Have you heard about apathy?"

"Sure. Is that what this is? But what does it mean in Mike's case?"

"Apathy is defined as a lack of emotions, or the inability to feel anything. You feel indifferent to everything around you. It is a common symptom of depression, or in Mike's case it might be a way for him to deal with everything that is happening to him. It is like a reaction to it, to just shut off."

Harvey let out a deep breath and nodded. "And how do we get him out of it?"

"We have two options right now. I'm not going to tell you that I'm not worried about this. For Mike this condition can be very serious Harvey. So either we can admit him right now, or you can bring him home but provide around the clock care."

"Around the clock?"

The doctor smiled. "I was guessing you would lean towards that option. The thing is with this state is that Mike might not tell you when he is hungry, thirsty or in pain. He might not tell you about problems with his breathing or with his heart. You will need to help him eat and drink, take him to the bathroom as well as make sure that he is doing okay heart-wise."

"And how do I do that?" Harvey adjusted Mike's head on his shoulder a bit, he was slipping a bit.

"By supervising him at all times." He sighed a bit. "But that is a lot of work from your side Harvey, and I have to advise you to admit Mike."

Harvey bit his lip. "Where will he heal faster? In a hospital bed or at home with me?"

"These things might take time…"

"Where?"

"In the state he is in now, I would say at home."

Harvey nodded. It was decided then.

"What do I need to watch out for?"

"At this point I would say that Mike's apathy is quite mild. He is talking and doing what you tell him as I understand it?"

"Yes."

"It might get worse. He might stop reacting at all, he might stop eating or drinking. If you are unable to get him to eat or drink you need to bring him back here."

Harvey nodded.

"We'll see about what we will do with Mike's treatment. He has an appointment tomorrow, correct?"

Harvey nodded again.

"Apathy can pass, it might last a few more days or it might take longer…"

"How much longer?" Harvey interrupted.

"It's hard to say Harvey, it's hard to say. We will take it one day at the time."

They spoke for a while longer and Harvey asked more questions, all the while Mike was sleeping against him. Harvey was told that apathy was a mindset, but it could be broken with help. There were things that he could do, and that brought him comfort. He would try to interact with Mike, encourage him, involve him, just try to reach him. The doctor was fairly positive that it could be done.

They were in for a difficult time yet again. When was it going to end? This had been going quite well recently and then it was the concussion. At least Mike was over that by now. Now the illness had affect Mike's mind. Truthfully Harvey wasn't that surprised that this happened, that Mike had shut off. Harvey found things difficult and he was just on the sidelines, he didn't experience the cancer the way Mike did. He didn't have to suffer through it, he just watched how Mike did. But Harvey was determined to do this as well. He would guide Mike through this as well, he would get him out of it and he would get him better. But he realized that he couldn't do it alone.

They were free to go whenever they wanted since Mike wasn't being admitted. Harvey carefully woke Mike up by shaking his arm.

"You awake now?" Harvey asked him but didn't get a reply. "We are going home now."

He borrowed a wheelchair to get Mike to the cab. Mike was able to walk up to the condo by himself. Harvey felt himself tense involuntary as Mike just stood there inside the door when they came inside. Harvey had to lead him to the couch and push him down onto it.

"Get some sleep." He told Mike when he was laying under a blanket. Mike obeyed without a word and Harvey went out on the balcony with his phone. He started by calling Adam and asked him to come over the next day. Then he called Donna and told her everything. She sounded horrified on the phone and said that she would be right there. He also called Jessica to tell her that he wouldn't be able to come to the office for a couple of days, again.

"What is it this time Harvey?" She asked and he could hear the hidden annoyance in her voice.

"He has gone apathetic."

"Oh…"

"Yeah."

There was a pause but then she asked a question. "What is that like, Harvey?" She asked gently. Harvey swallowed and looked out over the city. He suddenly had the urge to cry. He let out a deep sigh and forced it way.

"He just lays there. Doesn't speak. It's like he is not really here. I hate seeing him like that."

"I understand Harvey. It sounds hard. Take all the time you need."

They ended the call and she wished Mike would feel better soon. Harvey went inside again and sat down in a chair in front of Mike to wait for Donna. Mike was sleeping just the way Harvey had left him. He sat there just watching the younger man sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about the hospital visit. Mike had shut off? He rubbed his face and let out a sigh. An image of Mike sitting next to him on his bed rocking back and forth with his fist so tightly clenched that he had drawn blood came for him. Mike had said that he was trying to stay still because Harvey had told him to. He couldn't help feeling guilty about that. Mike must have been struggling so much, while they were sitting next to each other. He had been right there while Mike had fought his emotions, a fight that he might have lost. He hadn't said anything and after that Harvey had thought that Mike had gotten better. He hadn't protested about being on his own, like he had before. But the truth had been that it had gotten too much, Mike shut himself off.

Harvey felt like he had failed. Why didn't he seem to be able to make this right? Why couldn't he get Mike to feel better? Was he the reason Mike was like this? Had he pushed him over the edge? Was he even equipped to look after Mike anymore, and provide what was best for him? Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he should have let them admit Mike today.

His thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell. He saw that Mike blinked his eyes open, but he didn't react otherwise.

"It's just Donna. You stay there." Harvey forced himself to smile and went to the door. When he opened the door for her he surprised her by hugging her.

"Harvey, what is it?" Donna asked as she hugged him back. She held him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes.

"Are you alright?" She asked.

Harvey didn't know what to answer so he just shook his head a bit and tried to smile.

"Oh, Harvey." She hugged him again and then they went over to Mike. It hurt in Harvey to see that Mike didn't even look towards them when they came. He was still laying there blinking slowly. Donna went over to him and got on her knees in front of the couch. She spoke quietly with Mike, and stroked his cheek a bit. Donna turned his head a little so that his eyes came in line with hers. Mike didn't say anything and Harvey didn't want to see it anymore. Donna seemed to somehow sense his unease because she left Mike and came over to him.

"Why don't you go and lay down some? Or take a walk Harvey. I will stay with him."

Harvey agreed. At first he went to the gym for an hour and when he came back he got into bed and slept for a few more. He felt a bit refreshed after that.

When he came back into the living room Donna and Mike was sitting close to each other on the couch. Mike was bundled up in blankets and was leaning towards Donna. He still had that vacant look in his eyes. Donna had her arm around him and was stroking his arm up and down. Harvey wondered if he was aware of her doing it.

Harvey sat down in front of them, close by on the table.

"Hey." He said, but Mike didn't even look at him. So Harvey leaned forward so that he was pretty much in Mike's face.

"Mike? Mike, can you look at me?"

Slowly Mike's eyes wondered over to his.

"Thank you." Harvey forced a smile. "I just wanted to talk to you a bit."

Mike didn't say anything.

"Do you know what's going on, Mike?" He asked. Mike shrugged his shoulders.

"Have you heard about apathy?"

Mike nodded.

"Well, your doctor is pretty sure that you have gotten some of that." Harvey had been advised to tell Mike about it, even if he didn't think it was such a good idea. Or he didn't see what good it would do. But here he was telling Mike anyway, but was trying to keep it light.

"Okay." Mike said. Nothing more than that. He seemed to think the conversation was over now because he leaned deeper down on the couch. Just like he didn't care. Just like it was supposed to be, according to this new diagnose.

"Yeah, it will be okay Mike." Harvey said.

Mike looked away now. He opened his mouth but closed it again. "I'm tired." He then said and looked back at Harvey. All he could do was nod.

"You can sleep then." He said and watched how Mike leaned away from Donna and laid down. A few moments he stared out into the room, but then closed his eyes. He was asleep a moment later. Harvey and Donna shared a look and they together went to the kitchen so that they could talk some. Harvey didn't really know what to say though. What he did know was that he felt helpless when he saw Mike like this, and it felt worse now when he knew what was going on with him.

This wasn't what he wanted for Mike, he deserved more. He deserved to actually start to feel better, not to shut down completely. Was this how it was going to be now? Mike was just going to lay there staring out at nothing?

"So did he say anything while I was gone?" Harvey wanted to know.

Donna shook her head. "No, nothing Harvey."

Harvey rubbed his face and for a moment had an urge to just hit something, but it went away as he looked over at Mike.

"I don't know if I can handle him like this Donna. You know, I think I prefer him screaming and crying than acting like this."

"Harvey… don't say that."

"What? Do you think this is okay then?"

"No, of course not. But I was just thinking that maybe he…" she paused.

"He what?"

"Maybe he can have some peace this way."

"This is not peace Donna. This is shutting off. This is his brain malfunctioning. This is shit!" He was getting worked up, but couldn't help himself.

Donna didn't seem that faced by his outburst though. She just nodded.

"Do you think that you two will be alright by yourself, or do you need me to stay the night?" She asked.

"He'll be fine." Harvey muttered.

"I was actually thinking more about you."

"Thank you Donna. I'll be fine too."

"And you are right, so will Mike. He will get through this too, you know he will."

Harvey nodded and then followed her to the door. He let Mike sleep for a few hours while he tried to get some work done. It didn't go that well.

He prepared some food for himself and Mike and woke the younger man up. He helped Mike to sit up and put the plate in front of him. Mike just stared at it.

"You eat it." Harvey tried to joke but Mike just slowly reached for his fork. To Harvey's surprise Mike ate almost everything on the plate and drank the glass of water when Harvey told him to. Then he laid down again and fell back asleep after a couple of minutes.

When it was time to head to bed Harvey led him to the bathroom and put the toothbrush in his hands. After a moment of consideration he decided to just take Mike to his own bed. That way Harvey could keep an eye on him during the night. Mike seem like he didn't care about the fact that they would share a bed.

Harvey gave him his last meds for the day. "Are you in any pain?" He asked and Mike shook his head. At least that was something. Harvey had trouble falling asleep. He felt uneasy and when he did fall asleep he slept poorly.

-SUITS-

Mike just waited. Time just passed. It all felt so distant. It was like he knew that things were going on around him but he couldn't really understand it. It was almost like he was under water. He could see that Harvey and sometimes Donna was there but it was hard to understand what they were saying. It scared him but he was unable to do anything about it. It was just so hard to get a hold of things. He had to concentrate to make out what Harvey was telling him, and even more to formulate a decent response. The situation should probably stress him out more than it was, but it was just so hard to care right now. He didn't want to be like this but right now all he wanted to do was to just lay down and maybe sleep some.

Mostly he got to do just that. He went with Harvey to the hospital, but he mostly slept there. Harvey was nice enough to let him sleep on him. It was a bit confusing because when he woke up again they just left.

Donna was there.

Harvey told him he was apathetic. It didn't sound good. He shouldn't be that. But he was just so tired.

He got to sleep in Harvey's bed that night. He didn't know why, but he didn't say anything. He didn't mind doing it.

Harvey wanted him to do a bunch of stuff. It was exhausting actually. He had to sit up a lot and Harvey just dragged him upright then and often put something in his hands. Mike did what he asked, it just felt like that was the easiest option.

He slept so much it made him confused. He didn't know what time of the day is was or much of anything else. It was a bit stressful and he didn't like it. At least he thought that he shouldn't. He just didn't have the energy or the will to do something about it.

He barely spoke now, he didn't know what to say, but he could tell that Harvey wanted him to say something. He tried a few times to make an effort to understand what it was that Harvey wanted to hear, but most of the time he was pretty sure he got it wrong. He sometimes wished that Harvey would just let him be. However he didn't do anything about the situation. He just let things happen.

Harvey went with him to the hospital and he got the normal treatment. At least he thought that was what it was. He wasn't sure, just sat where they placed him. He thought that they spent a lot of time at the hospital.

He didn't feel good when they got home again. He wanted to lay down. For some reason he got to sleep in Harvey's bed at night. He didn't care much about where it was as long as he didn't need to sit up.

He didn't feel good. He threw up. Harvey was there all the time and he helped. He threw up again. He was in pain. He just waited for it to be over.

He woke up in even worse pain. He thought it was night time, but wasn't sure. It hurt a lot and he couldn't take it. He started to cry, because it hurt and he didn't know what else to do.

Harvey spoke to him next, shook him. Then he gave Mike some pills. Mike cried until it stopped hurting so bad. He knew that Harvey was next to him and was speaking to him but it was hard to make out the words. It was like he could hear them but not really make sense of them, or put them together enough so that they made sense.

Mike didn't know why this was happening. He suspected that something was wrong with him, wrong for real this time. He had a vague feeling of that he should know what it was, and that he shouldn't act like he did now. He should do more. He should answer when Harvey spoke to him, that was what he should do, it was just that it was hard. It was just that he felt so different now, so numb, everything was so distant.

-SUITS-

Harvey lay as frozen next to Mike in the bed. He was pretty sure that Mike was sleeping again now, but he wasn't sure. He didn't want to move to look over right now because he wasn't sure that he wanted to know. He didn't want to see Mike's eyes staring up at nothing and him not reacting when he was spoken to.

Today had been an awful day. He had taken Mike to the hospital for treatment and the younger man had just followed him wherever Harvey led him. It was like Mike wasn't really there, like Harvey was leading around a zombie or a damn robot that looked just like Mike. This was the worst day so far because he didn't think he had heard Mike's voice during the entire day. At least he had responded by nodding or shaking his head, but it was like he didn't have the energy or willpower to open his mouth and say actual words.

Back at home Harvey had been forced to actually watch Mike at all times, because the kid didn't let him know when he felt bad. Harvey managed to avoid a disaster though by keeping a close eye on him, by now he knew the signs.

But what just happened had been the worst. Harvey had woken up by the sounds of Mike crying there on the bed right next to him. Harvey sat up drunkenly and turned over towards Mike to see what had happened, but all he saw when he turned the light on was Mike laying there still with his eyes screwed shut as he cried. He didn't make any attempt of getting Harvey's attention. Harvey reached out and grabbed hold of his arm.

"Mike, what is it? What's wrong? Are you in pain?"

He didn't get a response, but he figured it was pain so he managed to get painkillers into Mike.

"Do you think that will be better? Is it something else Mike? You have to talk to me." He had tried, but nothing and Mike had cried until he fell back asleep. It was like Harvey wasn't even there, and it actually hurt inside of him that he wasn't able to reach Mike. And now he couldn't go back to sleep.

The next morning Mike hadn't improved at all. Donna came over for a bit and when she was there Harvey actually left the condo, he just had to.

Mike just laid on the couch and looked at nothing when he got back home, Donna was sitting next to him. She didn't seem as worried as Harvey felt, and she told him to take it easy. Maybe she still thought that this was good for Mike somehow, that he was in peace. Harvey got angry at that thought. This wasn't peace, this was a brain malfunction.

It didn't get much better as the days passed. Harvey actually hated the current situation they were in. Mike wasn't there anymore and it just scared Harvey. He tried to act like it wasn't such a big deal for him, but it was all an act that he felt like he didn't pull off that well. He just got so frustrated but he refused to let it show in front of Mike, and that took a lot of effort.

He arranged so that he didn't need to spend so much time alone with Mike. Adam was there a lot and handled Mike with an ease that Harvey envied. Donna came as well and spent hours talking to Mike as she stroke his hand. It didn't seem like Mike was making much progress of getting out of the apathy. He suspected that Mike did try to do it, as he sometimes would look at Harvey when he spoke or answer his questions. But all the emotions were gone. Mike didn't react if Harvey stood up and left the room now. Mike didn't seem to mind being alone now. Harvey wished he would just call him back, but nothing. He didn't tell them when he was in pain, he didn't let them know when he was hungry or even when he needed to use the bathroom. Adam had arranged a schedule that they now followed regarding when Mike would eat, take his meds or go to the bathroom. It worked pretty well.

It was awful though. Harvey felt ashamed when he thought that it had been better when Mike had been waiting for heart surgery at the hospital or when he had been out of it with fever. He knew how to deal with that. Not this. He just couldn't. As days turned into a week he started escaping the apartment as much as he could. He went for runs, he went to the grocery store or he went to the office. He wasn't gone for more than a few hours at the time but he still left. That ate on his conscience as well, but he felt like he had to do it just to stay sane. Adam had encouraged it as well.

"Look Harvey, if it is what you have to do, you should do it. Don't feel bad. Mike will be fine with me." The nurse had told him and Harvey took his words to heart. He had even accepted a new case with one of his older clients. Donna had objected in the beginning but she quickly understood that he needed it.

The case forced him to spend more time at the office. Mike had been like that for a week and a half now and Harvey felt like he wanted to break down and cry as he forced himself to small talk with Mike that morning. He had a small problem now though, it was Adam's day off tomorrow and Donna couldn't stay with Mike. Harvey had a meeting with his client scheduled and he didn't want to cancel it. That was why he know stood outside Louis' office door trying to decide if he really was going to do this. But the thought of Mike slowly blinking up at him that morning before he left made him decide.

"Louis, I need a favor." Harvey leaned in through the other man's door.

Louis paused and looked up from his computer.

"Harvey! What can I do for you?"

Harvey stepped into the office and sat down in front of the other lawyer.

"I need your help with Mike." He said. "I have to stay at the office for a meeting and Mike's nurse has a day off. Mike can't be left alone and I need someone that can stay with him."

"And you are asking me?" Louis said looking surprised.

"Yes, Louis. I am."

"Of course Harvey, of course I can stay with him. I'm happy you finally asked."

Harvey squirmed a bit on the chair. "You have stayed with him before."

"Yes, at the hospital sure, but not at your place. You have never trusted me with that before."

"Trusted you with… ehm. Well, I am now Louis, so you can you do it?"

"Yes. What time should I be there?"

"Tomorrow morning?"

"I'll be at your door at 7 then." Louis decided.

"That's a bit early Louis, you can come around 9…"

He was interrupted.

"If I come at 7 you will have time to eat breakfast in peace as well as show me around and teach me the essentials."

"Teach you… yeah okay. Come at 7:30 then."

Louis looked at him. "You don't get up before 7 do you?"

Harvey smiled and stood up. "I have to set an alarm for tomorrow now. But thank you Louis. I really appreciate this."

"Of course Harvey. I'm happy to help. Just on question."

Harvey paused on his way to the door.

"Is he still dying?" Louis asked and Harvey felt his stomach tighten a bit.

He shook his head. "He is doing better on that aspect. His heart problems isn't the main reason I don't want to leave him alone. I'll explain more later."

"I think I understand Harvey. I'll see you tomorrow then."

"See you tomorrow."

Harvey felt relieved when he left Louis's office and headed for his own. He was grateful towards Louis. They had always had their arguments now and then, but lately that had been put aside in favor of Mike's situation. Louis had stepped up to help a lot and if Harvey was honest he didn't think it would have worked out as well as it had workwise without Louis, the man had taken care of a lot of his workload when Harvey wasn't able to do it himself.

True to his word Louis stood outside the door at 7 a clock. Harvey had actually set an alarm and was up at that time, Mike was still sleeping.

"Hi Louis, thanks for coming." Harvey said as he opened the door.

"Of course Harvey." Louis stepped inside and followed after Harvey to the kitchen.

"Do you want some breakfast?"

"I already ate, but I can take some coffee."

"Sure."

Louis sat down and watched as Harvey started with getting them coffee.

"Do you know that you really look like shit Harvey?" Louis asked and Harvey turned to glare at him. Louis raised his hands.

"I'm just saying. You look dead tired, are you sure you will go to work today?"

"Yeah." Harvey muttered and clenched his teeth.

"Tell me what's going on here."

So Harvey told him. He told him everything he could think about regarding Mike's current state. Louis just listened and when Harvey was done he nodded.

"That must be hard for you." He said gently.

Harvey rubbed his face a bit. He really was tired. "Yeah." He said.

"I'll stay more with him if you like."

"That's nice of you to offer, Louis."

Harvey woke Mike up before he left and explained that Louis was going to stay with him today. Mike just nodded without a word. However he answered with a good bye when Harvey left, so at least he had been listening. Hopefully it would go well today. Harvey got Louis to promise to call him if Mike got worse somehow. Then he left.

-SUITS-