Chapter 68.
He was aware that someone was standing close to him and was trying to get his attention. He didn't know if he had his eyes opened or not. It was pretty unclear at this point on what was going on. He felt weird. He tried to focus on what the person next to him was saying, because there was some kind of noise there. He passed out before he had time to get anywhere.
The next time he woke up he felt a bit better; things were a bit clearer. He knew at once that he was in the hospital room. He recognized the smell.
Someone was holding on to his hand. A moment later and he knew that it was Harvey. He recognized that hand. He squeezed it a little. Harvey would like it if he did, he was sure of it. He was right.
"Mike!" Harvey exclaimed next to him. "Mike are you awake? Squeeze my hand again."
Mike did.
"Good boy. Thank you, Mike!"
Mike figured then that he probably needed to open his eyes now, it was unreasonable to be that happy about him squeezing Harvey's hand. That must mean that Harvey had worried a lot about him. He didn't want Harvey to worry, Mike knew that his friend wasn't feeling well when he worried. It took him a couple of minutes to manage to open his eyes and focusing them. It was pretty scary, but Harvey kept talking to him all the time, encouraged him.
"That's it. A little more. And don't you dare fall asleep again. You have no idea how long I have waited. No, pressure though. They said that I shouldn't pressure you. I don't know what will happen if I do though. They didn't tell me that. Like you will get worse because I speak to you."
Mike couldn't help but feel amused. He wondered if Harvey knew that he was actually hearing him. He looked into Harvey's eyes and smiled when he finally got his eyes to stay open longer than two seconds.
Harvey smiled back with his whole face. "There you are." He said and reached out to stroke Mike's cheek. That felt nice. Mike leaned into it a bit and Harvey kept his hand along his face for a long time, until Mike closed his eyes again. Harvey removed his hand than.
"No, come on. Don't fall asleep."
"Okay." Mike got out. His voice was all raspy, like he hadn't talked in days.
"You want to drink something?" Harvey asked and the next thing Mike knew there was a straw stuck into his mouth. The water felt nice too.
"They are saying that you are doing better now. They want to take you for tests first thing tomorrow."
Mike didn't know when he had been doing worse. He felt pretty okay now. And he wasn't coughing. He had done that before. He felt very tired and his body felt weak. He didn't think that he could lift his hand even if he wanted to. Right now, though he was very content with just laying there with Harvey's hand on his shoulder.
Harvey kept talking to him, encouraging him to not fall asleep again and to try to stay awake until his doctor got there.
"You can do that. You have been sleeping for three and a half days by now. You shouldn't be that tired."
Three days was a long time. It didn't feel like it had been three days. He had been pretty out of it the last time he had been awake. He had a vague memory of everyone being there. He hadn't been able to speak much to them, but he remembered sadness. Had they been there to say goodbye to him. He had asked Harvey that, he remembered that now. But Harvey had said no. Mike wasn't sure that it was the truth. If the roles had been reversed, he was pretty sure he would have lied about something like that.
They had thought that he was about to die then. He wasn't dead though. That was good. He didn't want to die. He was glad he hadn't, because Harvey would get so sad. He needed to be here for Harvey. The older man was still talking to him, but he hadn't been listening now. It didn't sound like it was that important. He searched with his hand for Harvey's, it appeared seconds later. He closed his eyes after holding on to it. He was just going to rest a bit.
Someone shook him awake. It was a doctor there. Harvey was on the other side of the bed this time. They asked him a few questions and Mike could answer all of them, almost. He didn't know which day it was.
"I don't even know!" Harvey exclaimed next to him.
"That's not a good thing." The doctor remarked looking at Harvey.
"I'm just saying, how should he possibly know the answer to that question when he doesn't even know how long you had him sedated?"
Mike thought he made a good point.
They took him for tests. It sucked and he felt a lot worse after they were done. He almost wished they would sedate him again. He threw up a bit and got some pain relief instead.
"I'm sorry kid." Harvey said after he was finished throwing up.
"Yeah…" Mike mumbled.
"You'll feel better soon." Harvey smiled at him. He looked tired but happy.
Mike nodded a little and wanted to sleep again. He got to do that a little while later.
Doctor Lundin came to see him the next day. Or it might have been the same night. He still wasn't entirely up to speed with time passing. The doctor wanted to talk about his progress. They raised his bed a little and Mike didn't know if it was just so that he wouldn't fall asleep again.
"You really got a lot of fight in you Mike. You keep beating every new challenge this disease is throwing at you. It's very encouraging." Doctor Lundin smiled down at him. He had placed a hand on Mike's shoulder while he spoke. "It looks like you are going to be fine, Mike."
"Really?" He rasped out.
"Yes, I believe so. We are talking about your pneumonia here. You are responding well to the latest antibiotics you have been given and your lungs looks clearer on your latest scans. That's terrific news."
Right. Pneumonia, that was what he had. Cancer and pneumonia.
"So, what you are really saying is that the pneumonia won't kill me?" Mike couldn't help but asking.
"I think we should look at that as a win Mike. One step at the time."
"Yeah, but what the cancer?"
"When you are getting better, we can focus our energy on that again."
"Right." Mike looked away. Sure, he was thrilled about not having to die from pneumonia, but the cancer was still there. As always.
"Can I go home soon?" He asked.
"Not yet I'm afraid. You are still at risk of catching other infections, so I would like to keep you for a few more days at least. Then we can see. You are still not well enough to get out of bed. So, we will wait."
Mike nodded a bit. He wished the man would leave now, so he could spend the next couple of hours asleep. The doctor kept talking though. He told him that pneumonia wasn't something that disappeared just like that. Most likely he would suffer from it for weeks or even months. It would get better and the symptoms might not be as severe as they had been, but he wasn't over it.
"You need to take care of yourself and watch out so that it doesn't get worse again. You will be very weak now in the beginning."
Mike just nodded a little, he had to concentrate on keeping his eyes open. Harvey asked a few questions while he stayed silent. He didn't have any questions to ask. It wasn't like he would be able to do anything anyway. He would just lay here and wait. Right now, he was fine with that. He was still alive. He was still fighting this. He had recovered somewhat from pneumonia. That was a great thing.
He could certainly agree on the whole him being weak thing though. He actually didn't have the energy to even raise his hand to rub at his eyes, that was aching a bit. They felt dry. He closed them. That would have to be enough for now. He fell asleep while Harvey and doctor Lundin were still talking.
When he woke up again it didn't feel as good as it had earlier. He felt nauseated and sore. He didn't want to throw up, he really didn't. He hadn't eaten anything, why was he getting nauseated then?
Harvey helped him to drink some water, but that didn't really help all that much. He felt rather sad and miserable. He wanted to hold on to Harvey, but he was too far away. Mike didn't understand why. His head hurt too; he wanted the nurse that was messing with his IV to leave them alone. She was making too much noise.
"Harvey?" With some effort he turned his head towards the older man who was sitting on the cot next to the window. Harvey rose and came up to him.
"Yeah, Mike. What's up?"
Mike suddenly felt like he wanted to cry. It just came from nowhere. His eyes teared up in seconds.
"Hey, what is it?" Harvey lowered his voice and leaned closer to him. But Mike didn't know what it was. He just wanted Harvey to make it better, but he didn't know how to put any of it in words. Luckily, he didn't have to, because Harvey grabbed a chair, asked the nurse if she was done soon and then took Mike's hand in his. That helped.
It always helped when Harvey was there. He didn't like it when Harvey had to leave. He didn't do that much, but sometimes he had to. Mike understood that he had to leave to get something to eat or go to the bathroom once in a while, but he still didn't like it. Sometimes he didn't care either. He didn't want Harvey to leave when he was feeling like crap, Harvey could wait with eating then. Why couldn't he do that?
Donna came to see him the third day he was awake. It was nice, but he felt pretty bad that day, so she didn't stay that long. She spoke quietly to him, read a little to him and laid down next to him on his bed for a bit, so that he could lay on her arm. That felt really good. It calmed him.
They wanted him to try and eat again. He got some yoghurt to start with. It turned out that he couldn't hold the spoon by himself. He didn't have the strength to do it. It sucked, but Harvey offered to help him. One part of him wanted to refuse the help and throw the damn bowl out the window, but he would probably only be able to push it off the tray, not that dramatic. So instead he let Harvey help him to eat. Like he was some child.
He spent two hours after that feeling incredibly nauseated and wished he would just throw up, but he didn't do that. He laid in bed with a blanket over half his body. He felt warm and confused. They said that he had a fever. He just laid there. Time just passed. Harvey was there. Doctors and nurses came and went. They wanted him to eat, to drink and to sleep. He did all of those things.
His body felt uncomfortable. His legs were twitching weirdly sometimes. He wished that would stop. He asked a nurse about it, but they said that it wasn't anything serious and that he shouldn't worry about it. He didn't worry. He wanted it to stop.
Rachel dropped by for an hour one day, he was doing pretty badly that day, so he had trouble keeping up the conversation. It stressed him out and Rachel must have noticed because she said that she would leave and let him rest. He didn't want her to go but didn't say anything.
After Rachel left, he was alone in the room for a few minutes before Harvey came back. He couldn't help but feeling angry then, mostly at himself and the cancer. He hated how it made him feel and react. He wished it would be over already, that he would start to feel only a little bit better.
-SUITS-
Mike had tears in his eyes when Harvey stepped into his room. Rachel had just left; she came to find him in the cafeteria and said that she thought it best to let Mike rest. Upon seeing Mike Harvey had to agree, Mike looked exhausted.
"Are you in pain?" Harvey asked and sat down next to him.
Mike slowly turned his head towards him and then nodded once. Harvey clenched his teeth as he met the younger man's eyes. Mike was in a bad place right now, and Harvey knew that it wasn't much they could do but wait.
They were always waiting for something. Mike's pain lessening, Mike waking up again, fever disappearing, the nausea meds to kick in, the next test or the next treatment session. Harvey felt so sick of waiting without being able to act in any way. It wasn't the person he was, or maybe it was the person he had become in all of this. In this journey he was doing with Mike he had learnt a lot of things. He knew that he had. He was more compassionate now, more patient, more caring. Mike had brought it all out in him, or more like forced it out, because Mike needed it. Now as well, Harvey sat next to him and held on to his hand. Mike's bony hand gripped surprisingly hard around his own.
Mike was tense and had his eyes tightly shut, Harvey could see traces of tears. He hated what this illness did to the younger man, that it brought him this far down. This wasn't the same person that Harvey first had met in that hotel room, just as he wasn't the same either.
"You'll feel better soon." Harvey quietly said. He needed to encourage the kid in some way. Mike opened his eyes then and looked at him.
"Yeah…" He mumbled. Harvey didn't know if he confirmed it or if it was a question.
"Yes, you will. The worst of the pneumonia is over now. Soon they will let you go home again."
Mike didn't answer him this time. He just closed his eyes again. Soon his grip on Harvey's hand relaxed as he fell asleep. Harvey felt relieved.
The following days consisted of more waiting of different nature. Harvey stayed a lot at the hospital, because he noticed that Mike wanted him there, needed him.
The kid was extremely weak and tired. He slept most of the day, although mostly for shorter period of times. He would sleep half an hour, wake up and stay awake for about ten minutes before he slept another hour.
Harvey stayed in the room with him almost all of the day. He only left to get something to eat or when Donna or Rachel came by to spend time with Mike. Sometimes Mike didn't want him to leave then either. Once when Donna was there to stay with him Mike had almost cried when Harvey had told them that he was just heading home for a few hours. The kid was too weak to sit up by himself, but he tried to do so anyway.
"Don't leave." He said. "Can you stay?"
"Mike, Donna is here, and I'm coming back soon."
It was like Mike didn't hear him, or he didn't care. "No, but just stay. I don't like when you leave. I don't like it."
Donna had also tried to calm him then, but he ignored her in favor of looking at Harvey with pleading, shiny eyes. Harvey ended up staying another thirty minutes but left when Mike fell asleep. He didn't ask Donna what had happened when Mike woke up again and he wasn't there. He didn't want to know. However, when he got back, and Donna had left again Mike wanted to hold on to him and wouldn't let go.
It took a couple of days with Mike in pretty much the same state before things started to get a little better. It was long, tiring days. Mike was often upset or distressed. He fought against a fever and as usual it messed with him a bit. A week after Mike had been woken up from the sedation Mike was fever free again and tests showed other improvements as well. The doctors decided right away to yet again start up the cancer treatment.
The first chemo treatment went terrible, at least the aftermath was terrible. At lot of effort was put in from the medical staff to make the side effects as bearable as possible for Mike, but he still felt like crap. He was laying curled up on his bed, shaking and moaning, for hours. He wanted the room to be dark and quiet and wanted Harvey close. He didn't want to be touched though, because it hurt him, he said. He threw up multiple times as well, sometimes not even able to warn about it, or even move, resulting in that he threw up in bed. Harvey then had to call for the nurses, if no one was in the room at the time and they would clean Mike up. It pained Harvey immensely when he had to help holding on to Mike, when he resisted them when they wanted to move him.
It was painful to watch and take part in a situation that was hurting Mike so much. It was so unfair that the younger man had to go through this again and again. But it couldn't go on forever, it just couldn't. Harvey wasn't sure that he would be able to take so much more. Of course, he would never give up on Mike, but it was like every time the kid was hurting a piece of him broke and eventually it wouldn't be enough whole pieces.
It took a few hours for Mike to feel better. Harvey found himself as so often before sitting next to the kid's bed, holding Mike's hand while he was curled up close to the edge of the bed. Mike had his eyes closed, but Harvey wasn't sure he was sleeping or not. His hand was slack in Harveys. The room was dark and quiet, a nurse had just left. Harvey felt pretty tired, it was quite late. He jerked when Mike suddenly moaned and removed his hand to press against his chest. Harvey watched when his face contracted in a grimace of pain.
"Harvey…" He whispered.
"I'm here. Right here."
"Thanks." Mike said.
It took him another hour to fall asleep. Harvey stayed where he was the entire time, it's was his job.
The next day Mike was feeling better. He wasn't in pain that was. He had a couple of visits from his doctors. Dr. Jansson stopped by and they had a conversation about starting up the trial drug again. Mike just laid there in bed and listened while Harvey took care of most of the conversation for him. Later he asked Mike how he really was feeling about starting up the trial again.
"I don't know. It kind of scares me." He said.
"How is that?"
"The side effects." Mike said. His voice was a bit hoarse although he barely talked during the last few days. Harvey could understand him. The side effects scared him too. Mike was still positive to continue though he told Harvey when they talked more about it.
"It's just that I'm so tired and feel just… weak." As if proving his point his eyes fluttered closed.
Mike got a day of rest before he had chemo again. That day was hell for the kid again. Mike had cried.
"I can't, I can't." He had whispered. "Make it stop."
Harvey yet again felt like shit when he couldn't do what Mike asked. All he could do was to wipe Mike's face and offer him something to drink, and just stay close.
The day after that Mike was a little bit better again. He was able to stay awake for a bit longer. He talked a bit more and wasn't in that much pain. He took the opportunity to ask his doctor when he would be able to go home again, and maybe to his surprise he got the answer that two more days and they would see. Mike needed to be able to eat more first and keep it down. Mike said that he would practice.
"So, you are going to practice in not throwing up, or what?" Harvey asked him when he was brought lunch.
Mike glared at him and told him to shut up.
"Do you want to stay here, or what?" He then asked.
"No, I don't." Harvey said, and proceeded with helping Mike to eat. He was still too weak to hold the spoon long enough to get through a whole meal. He ate painfully slowly.
"Something wrong?" Harvey had to ask him.
"It hurts." Mike groaned.
"Does it hurt to swallow?"
"Not to swallow." Mike said. "But it feels like I have some kind of blisters in my mouth."
"Yeah? Can I see?" Harvey leaned forward as Mike opened his mouth a bit wider. He didn't see anything. He told Mike that.
"On my lips."
"Can I?" Harvey asked as he held up the spoon.
"Okay…"
Harvey carefully put the tip of the spoon on Mike's lip and bent it down, and now he could see what must be bothering Mike, some small white patches on the inside of his mouth.
"Yeah, it looks like blisters." He said. "We should tell your doctor."
"It's like the least of my problems." Mike said.
"Not if it causes you to be unable to eat."
"I can eat."
"But it hurts you."
Mike didn't answer. Harvey told a nurse the next time one showed up. They were told that it was common to get mouth sores as a side effect of chemo.
"Okay. That helps." Mike muttered at that information.
"We'll see if we can do something about that. There is both a sort of cream and medication to get." The nurse said ignoring the sarcasm.
"Well, now they will do something about it at least." Harvey said when she had left.
"Yeah, I get cream inside my mouth. I can't wait." Mike rolled his eyes.
"I can see your mood is improving." Harvey said. Mike just told him to be quiet.
They got to leave the hospital three days after that, during which Mike went through a pretty successful dose of the trial drug and had chemo treatment again. The aftermath of the trial drug hadn't been that severe, the chemo was worse. Mike had been worried before the trial and Harvey and Mike talked a lot about it before it happened. They were both relieved when Mike didn't have any seizures or something like that.
Mike had gotten a bit stronger. His values were better at the latest tests. He was still very weak, and the mouth sores had worsened but other than that he was good to go home. Harvey had gotten a long lecture before they left, and Adam was called in. He was set to wait for them at home when they arrived. The hospital arranged for the transport to Harvey's condo, and Mike got to lay on a gurney the whole way home, even though he protested against it. Harvey couldn't help but roll his eyes when the kid fell asleep two minutes into the ride.
It felt wonderful to be home again, even though it meant that a lot more pressure and responsibility for Mike fell on Harvey now. But being home meant that Mike was considered healthy enough to not depend on hospital equipment anymore. Or that wasn't really the case, they had gotten some of the same stuff set up in Mike's room now. Mike wore some sort of device that monitored his heart in some ways. Adam looked after that but held his own lecture about it to Harvey the next day.
-SUITS-
He was home again. That was pretty great. He felt a bit out of it, but he was home, he knew that much. Harvey was there and Adam too. He kind of had some trouble with understanding what was going on at the moment, he didn't know why. He felt confused and tired, so tired that he didn't really care that much about the confused part. He figured Harvey would take care of things anyway. He always did do that, so Mike didn't have to worry. He was just glad to be home again.
Harvey had asked him if he wanted them to move his bed back to Harvey's room again, but he had declined. It kind of felt like that would be to go a step back. Harvey didn't agree though, he said that it might be more convenient.
"For you?" Mike had asked then and Harvey said yes. But then he still didn't move Mike's bed. Mike didn't know why, but he didn't ask either. Harvey had helped him to the bed in his bedroom. Adam had been there as well and had taken care of his medical equipment. They had him to eat something as well, and then he kind of fell asleep.
The next thing he knew Harvey was shaking him awake. Harvey wanted him to take some meds, so Mike did and then he fell asleep again. The next time he woke up it was from Adam shaking him. Harvey wasn't there and when Mike asked where he was Adam said that Harvey had gone to the gym.
"It's time for you to get up, man." Adam told him and Mike kind of thought that it was a bad idea.
"You know how long you have been sleeping Mike?" Adam went on as Mike tried to close his eyes again.
"No…" He groaned.
"You've slept seventeen hours."
"No, I haven't."
"Yes, you have. You went down around seven yesterday."
"I was up before. Harvey woke me."
"Yes, and he told me that you were awake for about two minutes, so I'm not sure that counts."
"Yes, it does." Mike argued.
"No, it doesn't." Adam won eventually and he got Mike up to the couch, had him to eat lunch and had him to do light exercises for a bit before Mike got to sleep again. Harvey was there when he woke up again and they watched a movie together and had dinner and that was that day. The next day they went to the hospital for the better haft of the day, Mike felt like crap and laid in bed the rest of it.
The day after that he also spent in bed, mostly sleeping. Harvey was there and kept him company once in a while. He had a stomachache and the mouth sores was getting even worse than before. The cream he had received earlier had helped for a couple of days, but suddenly it didn't. At least not as much as before. He felt pretty lousy and it hurt all the time, especially when he had to eat or when talked. He opted for laying with his mouth open as wide as possible, but it was hard to relax at the same time.
Harvey offered to help him put on the cream and Mike kind of cried a little. He got angry at himself for doing so and he tried to claim to Harvey that it wasn't that bad, even though it was. Harvey didn't buy it at all though and Mike could tell that the older man felt sorry for him. It just hurt.
"It's going to pass, you know that. It won't hurt forever." Harvey told him.
"You don't know that." Mike stubbornly said.
"Yes, I do, now just open your mouth and let me apply the rest."
So, Mike did that, even though it felt weird that Harvey was now putting cream inside his mouth. It tasted gross. Harvey also put a whole lot, he probably thought it would help more, but it was almost too much.
"I don't want to eat it." Mike complained and had to say it twice more because Harvey couldn't make out what he was saying when he was trying to speak without moving his mouth too much or accidentally swallow some cream.
That evening Harvey made him soup for dinner, so that he could practically drink it. Since it hurt him too much to chew Harvey thought it was a great idea to have him eat the soup through a straw. Mike wasn't sure he agreed with Harvey that it was a genius idea. There were pieces in the soup that constantly got stuck in the straw so eventually Harvey took it back and used a blender to mix it better. It worked a little better.
He had a hard time falling asleep that night, even though he was exhausted. The sours in his mouth hurt even more the next day, so much so that he opted to not talk.
"Maybe we should just go to the hospital Mike." Harvey suggested, but Mike didn't want to go there. He felt pretty irritated. He laid on the bed with two extra pillows. He had figured out that if he lay on his stomach with his head propped up it didn't hurt as much. Harvey said that it looked very uncomfortable, and it was after a while. His neck hurt. But he did manage to get a few hours of sleep like that.
The next day was awful. As soon as he woke up in the morning, he wished that he hadn't. His head was pounding, and his mouth was burning. When Harvey brought him breakfast and his meds, he refused both. He just couldn't put anything in his mouth right now. Harvey wouldn't leave him alone though, not when he hadn't taken any pills.
"You have to take them Mike. You know that." Harvey said. "You have painkillers here as well. It will help you."
When Mike continued to refuse Harvey threatened him a bit. "You know, if you don't take them, I will take you to the hospital.
Mike got angry then. Harvey didn't get a thing. He couldn't put anything in his mouth! Eventually he did it anyway, because Harvey didn't back down and Mike was sick. He was crying by the time he was done, and he didn't even care about it. Mike ignored it when Harvey apologized to him for forcing him. His whole mouth was aching, he felt exhausted, too warm and all in all miserable. He turned his back towards Harvey and busied himself with crying and feeling sorry for himself for a bit.
"I'm sorry you are feeling so shitty, Mike." Harvey said behind him.
Mike calmed down after a while and started to feel embarrassed. It just sucked. He was still in pain; the pain killers Harvey had been talking about hadn't helped yet. Neither had the cream he had on his lips. He knew it wouldn't get better any time soon. It hurt so much to swallow.
He had nothing to look forward too. He wished that he had. Something to strive for. Now, the only thing he wanted was for it to stop. He was going back to the hospital for checkups and maybe treatment the day after tomorrow. He didn't want that.
He didn't know how long he laid like that. Harvey was with him in the room almost the entire time, that was good, because Mike didn't want him to leave. He slept feverishly on and off. Harvey wanted him to eat some. He managed to stall for a couple of hours more, but then he was hungry, so he managed to eat some yoghurt. Harvey had to help him.
Harvey also had to help him over to the bathroom, he had trouble walking there by himself. He felt like crying again because he didn't think that he would be able to make it and he was also so very cold.
"I need to sit." He told Harvey.
"Just a bit more Mike." Harvey said and hardened his grip on him a bit. Mike looked in front of him, the distance felt impossible long.
"I can't." He said.
"I got you." Harvey assured him and they did make it. It felt awful that Harvey had to come with him into the bathroom and then help him in there by holding him upright. It just felt like he was going to fall, so held on to Harvey's arm. He felt really low and couldn't stop tears again, which then made him feel even worse. He wished that he could get out of his own mind for just a bit, to not be him. Or that he could turn off his though process somehow. Like when he had been aphetic. He could not do that to Harvey though.
He wasn't able to walk back to his bed after they were done in the bathroom. He was in so much pain because he had yet again taken meds and had attempted to brush his teeth. Harvey didn't dare to leave him sitting up, so he placed a few towels on the floor and let Mike lay down there while he went for the wheelchair.
Harvey helped him over to the bed and got him a hot water bottle and a few extra blankets when Mike told him that he was very cold. Harvey then sat down in the chair next to his bed and stayed there for a long time. Harvey had his laptop with him, and Mike tried to sleep as he listened to the sounds of Harvey's fingers on the keyboard.
-SUITS-
Mike was pretty sick again now. Harvey was worried about him. Mike was sleeping now with his mouth slightly opened. His face was flushed, and Harvey was sure that he had a fever. It might be pretty high. He had had trouble getting any medication into the kid because of the painful mouth sours Mike had now. And with Mike reluctant to take enough medication, food or water Harvey wasn't sure if they could battle the pneumonia as effectively.
Mike wasn't doing well at all. He was in almost constant pain it seemed, there was the fever and he was very weak. He couldn't eat by himself, his limbs too heavy for him to be able to hold the spoon. Harvey had also had to help him to walk. The worst part though was how much this effected Mike's mind. The younger man was almost constantly upset. Mike had cried a lot today and Harvey had failed to comfort him.
Mike had a restless night. He woke up multiple times and Harvey stayed in the room the entire time to be there for him. It was pretty awful because Mike was in a lot of pain and had a fever, so he wasn't fully there. Harvey had trouble calming him down, he even considered calling an ambulance at one point, but eventually Mike managed to sleep better, enabling Harvey to get some sleep himself.
The next day was another awful one. Donna came and stayed for a couple of hours and helped out. It was Sunday so she had the time. Harvey was grateful for her help since he didn't manage to get Mike out of bed or do much of anything. He also felt so shitty when he had to force Mike to take his medication. Mike's fever was still pretty high and just by looking at him you could see how uncomfortable he was. Harvey tried to not feel guilty as he left Mike in Donna's care and went out for a bit. Mike luckily asleep when he returned from the gym. Donna looked exhausted and Harvey made her some tea.
Together they then moved Mike to the couch when he woke up again. Donna let him lay on her lap and Harvey sat by his feet. Mike seemed to be satisfied with that, he didn't speak much. Donna helped him to drink and eat.
"It's okay Mike. It's okay to need help." Harvey heard her tell the younger man and Mike mumbled something that he couldn't make out.
They both helped Mike to bed when it was time for that. Mike seemed to get distressed as they helped him to lay down. When Donna stood up Mike grabbed her arm and held on.
"Don't go." He whispered and wouldn't look at her.
Donna immediately sank down on her knees to be in Mike's line of sight and held on to his hand.
"I'm not going anywhere. Harvey is staying too."
Harvey nodded and watched how Donna's fingertips lightly stroked the side of Mike's face. The younger man closed his eyes for a moment and let out a deep breath. Harvey could tell that Mike was close to breaking down at this time, he had seen it before. This time he sat down in his chair and let Donna tend to Mike.
She climbed up on the bed next to him and arranged so that Mike could lay on her arm. She slowly stroked his arm until he kept his eyes closed for longer at the time and eventually, he was asleep.
"Do you need help getting out of there?" Harvey quietly asked after a few minutes.
"No, I think I'll stay with him for an hour or so." Donna whispered back. "I told him that I wouldn't go anywhere."
"He's sleeping Donna."
"I know."
"I'll be back soon then." Harvey said and got up. For a moment he watched the two people he cared most about in this world, laying close together on a bed. Mike pale, with dark circles under his closed eyes and Donna, looking so vibrant next to him. She smiled up at him and he nodded and left. Donna ended up staying the entire night, because when Donna tried with Harvey's help to wiggle out from underneath him, he woke up. They watched as his eyes teared up.
"No…" Was all he said, so Donna apologized and laid down next to him again. She stayed there that night.
They went to the hospital the next day and it didn't go that well. At least not according to Mike, because they admitted him. He was just in too bad condition to go home, his doctor said, they didn't care about what Mike wanted. They had to stay for three long days. Neither Harvey nor Mike liked it that much. Harvey missed his bed and Mike just wanted to leave. He was improving though and was cleared to return home again.
Mike was stronger by then; he could walk by himself and the blisters in his mouth had finally gone down a bit. The fever was gone, and he wasn't coughing as much. They told Harvey to keep an eye out for fevers though, they would return he was told. Mike still had pneumonia, but it was much better than they could have hoped.
The first day back home again however Mike had a bad headache and looked dead tired. He laid on the couch on his side with a pillow pressed over his head. Harvey kept him company and had the TV on. He reached for the remote when he heard how Mike moaned a bit. He knew that Mike was feeling crappier than he let on.
"Is it the TV bothering you?" He asked and got an affirmative answer.
"Yeah, can you…turn it off?"
"Yes, of course." Harvey did just that.
Mike looked like he fought to keep his eyes opened.
"You don't want to sleep?" Harvey asked. "You look pretty tired."
"No…"
"No, you are not tired, or no, you don't want to sleep?"
"I don't…want to sleep."
"Okay." Harvey hesitated.
"Har-vey…"
"Yeah?" But Mike didn't say anything else. "You want me to read to you maybe?" Harvey then asked.
"Yeah…" Mike sighed.
"Okay." Harvey smiled and reached for a file that was laying on the coffee table. "This okay?"
Mike smiled a bit and nodded before he closed his eyes to listen as Harvey started reading.
As the days passed Mike grew slowly stronger again. They had their ups and downs with fevers and nightmares and a throwing up incident, but other than that, not much happened. They went back and forth to the hospital, Mike slept a lot, they would watch movies, Harvey kept reading files out loud. Donna and the others came by once in a while when Mike was up for it. He only wanted them to come when he was able to at least sit up for some time.
Day by day Mike grew a little stronger. He started to eat a bit better, he was awake for longer periods during the day. He slept better and didn't have so many nightmares. Harvey could also see an improvement in the younger man's mood. Mike talked more, he joked sometimes, and he smiled. It was a great thing to see. Harvey realized that it was something that he had longed for and missed.
They had a couple of nice evenings and days for that matter. Harvey stayed at home almost all the time, especially on treatment days, he just went to the office when Donna came by, or Adam. But he wanted to stay with Mike and just as he knew that Mike wanted him around. Mike was more relaxed when he was there, less stressed. And when he was less stressed it allowed his body to heal at a faster rate. If Harvey could help with that, he was happy to stay at home, even though it sometimes was boring as hell. Like when Mike slept for hours and hours and when he did wake up, he just took the meds, or the sandwich Harvey handed him and then went right back to sleep. Or the times when Mike felt lousy and wanted everything to be quiet and dark. Or when he felt even worse and wanted Harvey close, so close they Mike could hold on to him. He didn't mind it either of course, but he couldn't help wishing those times would lessen.
Harvey accompanied Mike to a thorough exam where they decided that the dose of the trial drug would be increased. Mike was redrawn during the visit and didn't speak a word on the way home.
"So, are you going to tell me what's up with you?" Harvey asked when they were both on the couch that night.
"What do you mean going on? Nothing is going on with me."
"Really?" Harvey raised an eyebrow. Mike caved right away.
"It's just that it starts again now, with the trial drug. I have to go through it all again."
"Yes, you do." Harvey said. "And you will beat it this time Mike. You will be fine."
Mike had leaned his head back against the couch and looked up into the ceiling.
"You think so?" He asked.
"Yes, I do. What else is there, kid?"
Mike looked at him and smiled a little. "Nothing good."
Harvey shook his head at him. "Exactly. So just get on with it."
Mike rolled his eyes and laid down. "Fine." He muttered.
They were back at the hospital the next day.
-SUITS-
The everyday life with getting treated quickly turned into a routine. Harvey had amazingly been right and this time the trial drug didn't make him as sick as he had feared. Of course, it made him feel bad, especially together with the rest of it. Some days were just awful, and he wished for it to be over. It made a mess of him. He was in pain, threw up, felt exhausted and emotionally destroyed.
But then the next day it was better. He could sit with Harvey on the couch. Harvey would do some work, Mike watched movies or listened to books on his phone. At nights they watched movies together, Donna came over sometimes and they played card games. Once she also brought over a puzzle with a thousand pieces that she wanted them to do. Harvey and Mike just looked at each other, but Donna got her way and five days later they were done with it. Mike found it hard to sit too long.
Mike could feel himself getting better. He just felt it inside of him, the hospital staff was still cautious, but he felt sure that he was improving. It was just something that felt right this time around. For such a long time he had been certain of that he wasn't going to survive the cancer. He hadn't allowed himself to really feel real hope, but slowly as the days past he was starting to feel it. He hadn't spoken to anyone about it though, just a little with Adam and the nurse was encouraging.
"You look better than before. Maybe your hair will even grow back soon."
"You think so?" Mike smiled a bit. "That would be nice."
"Don't expect too much, too soon." Adam smiled and left to go and make lunch. Harvey was at the office now. He went more often now. When Mike had asked him if he wanted company at work Harvey had just laughed at him and asked if he had a fever. At first Mike had almost become a bit offended but then he had laughed with him. He wasn't really up for going to the office yet, realistically he knew that. He knew that if he beat this and actually improved, he would have a long way back until he could work again. As it was now, he was happy as long as he could stay awake for longer than four hours at the time.
He slept a lot better now too. He didn't have as many nightmares as he used to. He slept for longer periods of time, uninterrupted. Sure, he had the occasional nightmare that woke him up, terrified, but it wasn't as often as before. So, things really went up and down from day to day. Some days were good and the day after could be hell. But he thought that he could see an increase in good and okay days, as oppose to the bad and hellish days.
Adam told him the same thing one day, that he thought he could see an improvement in Mike.
"Your heartrate is more stable as well as your blood pressure. That's good news Mike. You are less in pain as well, right?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"I can see here in your file that they have lowered your dose of pain medication slightly." Adam scrolled through what Mike assumed was his file, that the nurse had on his phone.
Mike who hadn't known that, smiled. It was great news.
Harvey however didn't seem to be that impressed when Mike told him later that night.
"They adjust your medication all the time Mike." He said.
"Yeah, I know, but usually not in this direction."
Harvey absentmindedly nodded and went back to whatever he was doing on his computer.
"I am doing better though, Harvey." Mike said.
"Sure, you are." Harvey didn't even look at him.
"What, you don't believe it?"
Harvey sighed then a looked at him. "We have been through this before Mike. You have been doing better just to get worse again. But I'm happy you are feeling better."
"Yeah." Mike muttered. He couldn't help but feeling a bit pissed. What's with all the negativity form Harvey all of a sudden? He decided to just go and hang out in his room for a while and got up from the couch. Harvey put away his computer then and stood up as well.
"What's wrong?" He asked. "Do you need to throw up?"
"What? No! I'm just going to my room."
"You in pain? You need anything?"
"No, Harvey. I'm fine."
"You want me to come with you then?"
"No, why would I want you to come with me? I'm fine, okay. Just work, or whatever."
He walked away then and Harvey didn't follow him. Mike couldn't help but feel a little annoyed. Sure, he knew Harvey was just worried, but they had just talked about the fact that Mike felt better now. It was like Harvey didn't believe it at all that he was better. But it didn't matter, Mike could feel it. It was like he just had a little bit more energy than before. Like he could stay awake longer, he ate a little more than before, he was more mobile. It was great news. Harvey would come to understand that soon.
The treatment went on. The pneumonia was gone by now. He had survived that as well! Sometimes the treatment took a lot out of him, but he thought that he was able to recover a bit faster after every session. He got to do a whole round of test with Dr. Jansson one day. It was exhausting and almost a bit too much for him to handle on one day, but she seemed to be satisfied. He had some trouble reading her expression but saw how she showed her assistant something and he had smiled at it. That must be some good news. Mike felt how he was starting to feel real hope. Hope that he actually wasn't going to die.
Not all days were that great though. He had felt pretty lousy today when he woke up. He didn't feel like doing anything and had laid down on the couch. He put on a book on his phone and listened to it for a while, he took a nap.
When he woke up again, he felt pretty anxious. Mike looked around the room. He couldn't see where Harvey was from his position on the couch. He had to be here somewhere. He wouldn't leave the apartment without telling him. Mike longed for his company at this moment. He wished he could just call for the older man. He wished he wouldn't care so much as he now did. Things would be so much easier in his life if he had had the guts to just let it go. He didn't. He didn't do anything. He just laid there and tried to listen for sounds indicating that Harvey was on his way.
He didn't really know why he just didn't call out, but it was like had some sort of barrier that he couldn't overcome. He knew that Harvey wouldn't mind, and he knew that Harvey would come if he called. But it was just that just yesterday Mike had told Harvey that he was fine and that he didn't need Harvey to be around him all the time. Maybe Harvey had taken that to heart.
It felt so conflicting. He felt like an idiot. One day he pushed Harvey away and the next he wanted him there. He needed to make up his mind. Eventually Harvey came out into the living room by himself without Mike having to call for him.
"Time for lunch?" Harvey asked. "I was thinking about something with pasta. What do you say?"
Mike thought pasta was a good idea. He got up and joined Harvey in the kitchen. Harvey talked about some case and complained about the fact that he had to share it with Louis. Mike wasn't really listening, but Harvey didn't seem to notice. Or maybe he didn't care. They watched two movies after that.
"I'm staying home with you tomorrow." Harvey announced during a boring part of the second movie. "Then Adam is coming on Tuesday. I have a meeting with Louis and the client. I need to convince that to not do what Louis suggested."
"I don't think Louis is wrong though." Mike said, mostly to annoy Harvey. It worked because he spent the next twenty minutes telling Mike why in fact Louis was very wrong.
Mike was in a pretty good mood when he went to bed that night.
The next morning that feeling was gone. Today was a bad day. He knew it as soon as he opened his eyes. He was incredibly tired even after waking up. He didn't know what time it was. He wished he wasn't awake. He hadn't slept well and had woken up multiple times during the night. Now he wanted to go back asleep. He had a pretty bad headache and he felt overall messed up and also his left ear was hurting. Today was going to be a bad day.
Why did he have to wake up? He tried to go back asleep. He tried and tried, but it didn't work. He couldn't. Why couldn't he? He sucked. He felt so bad. He didn't know where it came from. He wanted to get up but didn't have it in him. He wished he wasn't alone. He wished Harvey would come. Or Donna or Adam. But he was alone. He didn't want to be.
"Harvey" He called out. He waited but nothing happened. He called again. "Harvey!" He waited again and listened. He couldn't hear anything. Why wasn't he coming? Had he left? Was he alone at the condo? No, Harvey wouldn't do that to him. Would he? But he had said that he was staying home today.
He desperately wanted company. If someone else was there he could talk to them, or they could talk to him and tell him things were going to be okay. The oncoming panic might stop. He didn't even know where it came from.
"Harvey! Please Harvey, please."
He had to come! Bursts of panic kept hitting him. Harvey wasn't there and Mike needed him to be for some reason that he didn't really know. He just wanted Harvey there. He didn't want to feel like crap alone. It was a while ago since he had broken down like this. Maybe that was the reason Harvey didn't want to come now, Mike had done this too much before, broken down like a small child. Was he selfish, doing this? Demanding Harvey's presence just so he wouldn't feel so alone. He probably was, because he should be able to take it. But he couldn't, he just couldn't. That hurt so much to realize. What if he never could again? Was he going to live like this now? Feel like this whenever he was alone.
And if Harvey wasn't going to come, no one else would. That hurt too. He allowed himself to cry. So what if he did? Maybe Harvey didn't think he needed to come anymore since he had been doing better lately. But he wasn't better now. He was so much worse, and Harvey wasn't coming. Mike was alone now. Why? He didn't understand that. But maybe Harvey was happy that he didn't need to care as much about Mike as before.
He buried his head in his pillow and hugged himself hard. He was just hurting. It was awful. Thoughts kept coming at him about how pathetic he was, how weak and how useless. He couldn't even be alone in his room like some kind of child. He wasn't a child he was an adult man and he was supposed to be able to deal with this. The fact that he was not able to, destroyed him. Things had been okay yesterday, why wasn't it today?
He didn't know how long he stayed like that. Bundled up, buried in the pillows but it felt like an eternity. He was hurting the whole time and he was crying. He had one of those moments where time stood still, and nothing was ever going to be okay again.
It felt like he was dying all over.
He wished that he was. At that moment he just wished for it to be over, just to get away from what he was feeling. The thoughts and feelings were just that strong.
Then there was a knock on the door. Harvey was there.
"Did you call before Mike?" Harvey whispered from the doorway, like nothing was wrong. But Harvey was there!
"Har-Harvey…" Mike said.
"Oh shit, kid! Mike? Mike? What is it? What's wrong? Hey?" Harvey had noticed that he was a total mess. He felt Harvey sit down on his bed and put a hand on his shoulder. Harvey tried to turn him against him, and Mike obliged.
"What is it? I'm sorry. I was in the shower. I'm sorry Mike. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
Mike couldn't stop his meltdown at this point, but the despair he was in was slowly starting to mix with a feeling of relief. Relief over that he didn't have to be alone anymore, relief over that Harvey was there. He sobbed so much that he couldn't speak, and besides he didn't know what to say, because now humiliation and embarrassment got involved.
Harvey stroke his shoulder again and again. He spoke.
"Do you think you can tell me what's wrong? You have me worried here Mike. I need you to answer me."
Mike cried a bit more and nodded. Harvey must think that he had lost it all together now. But he was still talking calmly and almost soothingly to him.
"Good, that's good. Are you in pain?"
Mike nodded again. He was, in so many ways right now.
"Okay, I'm sorry to hear that. Is it going-to-hospital-pain, or other pain?"
"O-other."
Harvey nodded. "Pain killers?" He asked.
Mike shook his head. He didn't want Harvey to leave even if it was to get him pain killers. Just to be sure the older man wouldn't leave he reached for Harvey's arm. Harvey let him hold on to it.
"It'll be okay." He quietly said. "Bad morning, huh?" Mike just continued but held on a bit harder.
"Do you know what has you so upset, Mike?" Mike didn't answer, because he couldn't. He couldn't speak and that just made him feel worse. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to be here; he didn't want to be doing this. He didn't want to be in his own body. He didn't want to be him!
"I thought I heard you before kid, but I was in the shower. That's why it took so long. It wasn't my intention. I hope you didn't think that I wasn't going to come. I always will you know. How about we try this, huh?"
Harvey was talking and moving next to him. Mike knew that Harvey was treating him like a child now, because that was how he was speaking. Reassuring him, but that helped. He suddenly pushed Mike away from him a bit just to lay down next to him. "I think you should come over here." Harvey arranged so that a Mike could rest on his arm, lean against Harvey.
They were close. Harvey was there. He really should try harder to calm down. But he couldn't just shut it off like that. He had tried and failed so many times before. He was just too messed up to do so.
Harvey was telling him how everything was okay, but he just had such a hard time believing in that. He just couldn't figure out why he wasn't. Why he just couldn't listen to Harvey?
He was just so pathetic and stupid. Harvey was just waiting for him to stop. Harvey was so nice letting Mike lay close to him like this, telling him nice things, but for some reason he just couldn't stop crying. It stressed him out and made it all worse, because if he couldn't stop Harvey would get annoyed with him and leave.
Sometimes Mike couldn't understand that Harvey was doing this for him, for Mike. Harvey was putting his whole life on hold because of him. Harvey was laying next to him and hugging him because he was upset and crying like he was some child. That was really the best thing in his life right now, Harvey's actions.
He managed to calm down. It took some effort, but he held on to the thought that Harvey was here only for him and maybe things wasn't so bad after all. He felt relatively fine at the moment. He wasn't dying right now. Actually, he wasn't even hurting that much anymore.
He unfolded himself a bit from Harvey, but they were still in contact. He blinked up against the ceiling and accepted the tissue that appeared in Harvey's hand.
"Thank you." He whispered hoarsely.
"You are welcome." Harvey told him calmly. "Do you feel a little better?"
"Yeah… I think so." He sniffled. "I'm so sorry Harvey." He said.
"What are you talking about?" Harvey asked. "Mike, it's okay."
"No, I'm sorry for freaking out and all. I know you don't like it when I do this. I was just…"
"It's fine Mike."
"No, it's not Harvey. I'm sorry. I shouldn't… I shouldn't do this anymore. I should…"
He had to stop because he didn't really know what he should.
"Should what? Stop?"
Mike nodded and Harvey let out a sigh.
"Mike, listen to me. What you have been through and still are going through it's not something that goes away overnight. It's going to take time. Maybe a lot of time, but you know what?"
Harvey paused so that Mike could shake his head a little.
"We are going to let it. Just because you are responding well to the treatment right now doesn't mean that I expect you to be all fine and like you were before. Do you understand that? It can't be like before. We have both changed. But that's okay."
Harvey became quiet for a little while, but Mike didn't say anything.
"I'm fine with that Mike. Actually, I don't want to go back to the way we were before. Heh, imagine me from then like this!"
He mentioned between them. Their closeness.
"You are still going to have shitty days Mike, but that's fine. Don't apologize for that. Eventually the good days will outweigh the bad. And I'll be here for both of them. You know I will."
Mike felt an urge to start crying again but for different reasons. He mostly managed not to.
"Yeah…" He said. "That means so much to me Harvey. Thank you. Thank you so much!"
He pressed his face towards Harvey's arm and closed his eyes. Harvey's other hand patted his head a bit.
"I think it's time for breakfast now, kid."
-SUITS-
I haven't forgotten this story. I hope you haven't either.
By the way I have started another story, just as emotional as this one, if not worse. It's called Gone.