A/N: This whole story was inspired by a song called Worry About You by Ivy. And this chapter was initially the first. But I thought it needed some fleshing out. So here ya go! Enjoy!
John
I walk though the quiet corridors of Atlantis. It's late, I'm tired, and I'm avoiding my bed. The only thing that awaits me there is nightmares, aches, and a constant feeling that something is wrong. I don't know why; can't really help it. Always wondering what's going on. It's not that I think I'm missing out on something, but the question nags: Will I be there when it happens? My duty is to protect this city, but more importantly, to protect the people who now inhabit it, and those on the mainland.
Apparently, I slept longer than I ever have while in the infirmary, according to Casey. Without Carson Beckett's Super Special Knock Out the Colonel drugs, no less. As I stalk the corridors, ignoring the throbbing in my head and the hitch in my shoulder, I have only one goal in mind. Then it happens.
"Colonel Sheppard!"
Cringing, I slow my pace without turning around. Really, I don't think my body could handle that right now. "Rodney."
"Can't sleep, huh?" he asks, a little breathless, as he caught up with me.
"I could say the same to you." This time I glance over at McKay. He looks tired, but I see a twinkle of excitement in his eyes. "I coulda sworn you have quarters somewhere around here."
"Oh, you're one to talk! I haven't seen you sleep or eat in the last 48 hours, and you want to talk about my habits?" McKay says plaintively.
I feel my temper flare, but a sharp pain darts across my head. Involuntarily, I gasp, pausing mid-step. Pinching the bridge of my nose – as if it will help with the pain – and squeezing my eyes shut, I feel hands on my arm.
"Colonel?" When I open my eyes, I see Rodney ahead of me, walking backwards. "You really need to get to bed, Sheppard. You look like crap." He finally turns around to fall into step next to me.
"Could we drop this, McKay? You think I look like crap, well, have you checked a mirror lately?" I say lamely, attempting a disapproving glance that just makes my head hurt worse.
He snorts derisively. "Oh, nice retort, Colonel. You should really save those gems when there are more people around."
"You like that? 'Cause I got more." I know he's trying to bait me, but I'm just not up for it. He wants me to know he's concerned, without giving me the satisfaction of him actually saying it out loud.
"Whatever. I seriously doubt you do because you can't even walk straight. What's the matter, Sheppard? Marbles get knocked around too much? Bar room brawls getting too rough for you? Elizabeth –"
I've had it with his meddling! What does he know about what happened to Elizabeth? The mere mention of her name has sent me into a spiral of guilt and pain. And I'm not sure why I'm feeling this way. The situation could have been worse, but it wasn't. The guy hit her, but I don't think it hurt; she didn't even flinch. I have a newfound respect for her.
As I try to quell my anger, I raising a single finger, wagging it in front of him. A smile creeps across my face, and I don't think it was a nice smile, judging by McKay's expression. But I will not let him bait me anymore. Again my temper has flared, and I'm frayed at the edges. Forcing back the acid-like ire that keeps rising, I give a slight laugh, and softly slap him on the shoulder. Moving away quickly from him, I try to avoid his saucer eyes. Did he think I was gonna hit him?
Now he's fallen silent. I steal another glance sideways. McKay is tapping his finger on his lips to an internal beat, a gesture I'm pretty familiar with: he's about to ask me something.
"Well, since you're up, why don't you stop by my lab." The words rushed so quickly, my sluggish mind barely understood them. "My team and I found a dev–"
Ah. And he sounds a little guilty. "No." The last thing I wanted or needed right now was to go touching some strange object. Everyone knows what happens when I start touchin' things. Besides, Carson said no. Not that I listen to him, but today is a different story. If I feel that familiar vibration through my body at all right now, I may be violently ill. Just thinking about it makes me queasy, as I will the transporter doors to open. Maybe McKay will get the hint and leave me –
No such luck.
"No? What do you mean 'No'?" He barely squeezes through the doors as I pleaded with Atlantis to close them quicker than normal. Even worse, I think The City just chided me, sending a tiny bit of feedback underneath the constant hum. Fine!
He now crosses his arms, scowling at me. "No, not right now, or No, I'm too busy getting hurt saving people that I don't have time to do something important for–"
"McKay!" He started to sound hysterical. "Let it go!" My head is now pounding to the rhythm of my boots hitting the cool floor. Pushing a hand through my hair, I turn to him, looking him in the eye. "I'm busy." Turning away, I shout over my shoulder, "Go to bed, Rodney. That's an order."
As I round a corner, I pretend not to hear the muffled, "You, too." I hear McKay huff and shuffle away, pausing, then turning around. Rodney! I swear to God! If you follow me... Then he turns again, hopefully towards his quarters.
The next corridor is blessedly dim, causing the throb in my head to dull. This corridor takes me dangerously close to the infirmary, and I run the risk of –
"Colonel Sheppard." The quiet, controlled, calm voice conjures up an image of my father in my tired mind. I'm in trouble!
I freeze in my tracks like a teenager caught sneaking in after curfew. He strolls casually towards me. Carson Beckett's eyes rake over me as if he had a built-in scanner wet-wired to his brain. "Carson," I say neutrally, giving hopefully another winning smile. I swear I haven't touched anything!
"What are ya doin' outta bed, son? Ya need to be restin'." He steps closer, gazing seriously at my face. I realize I'm not the best patient, but when I gotta do something, I gotta do it. Not sure exactly why; call me stubborn. No little injury is going to put me out long enough for me not to accomplish my mission. However, there is a sharp-eyed doctor effectively blocking my way; I brace myself for the inevitable lecture. "Ya took a sound beatin' yesterday, ah don't need ta remind ya. Give yer body a chance to heal." He nails me with that piercing blue stare. "Are ya in any pain?"
I try not to squirm, imagining a vein standing out on face from my left temple all the way across my head. He's searching my face for any falter in my countenance. I merely smile my best smile. "I'm good, Carson. Really," I say, careful to avoid his eyes without appearing to avoid them. "I have to take care of something real quick, and then I'll be tucked up in bed before ya know it. Promise!" I give him another hopefully convincing grin, and not a grimace, as I raise my stiff arms to place my hands on Carson's shoulders. We do a little dance as I spin him around to switch places, moving him out of my way.
He catches my arms as I release him. "Eat something, and have a couplae naps." Is he taking my pulse? Does he think I can't tell? Well, maybe. "Call if you need anything," he pleads, knowing he's lost another battle with me. I can't blame him for trying though. I know I'm supposed to eat and rest; gotta do it for the next week or so. It still bothers me when I can't fly or hold a P90 because my stupid injuries. I gotta duck more! But sometimes, food and sleep are overrated. However, if my belt tightens another notch, Carson will have my hide!
Now, I honestly grinned at him, giving a mock salute. "See ya later, Carson," I tell him, knowing that tomorrow will be here too soon. Turning quickly, but not too quickly, I continue forward to finish my task. This will have to be quick; I feel my body shutting down from exhaustion. I had to do this, I had to ask her.
Home stretch. Nearly to my destination, I see Ronon and Teyla. They are walking close, and laughing. Somewhere, something stirs in me, I can't put my finger on it. "Doesn't anyone sleep in this city?" I feel another smile split my face.
"Colonel Sheppard!" Why is everyone shouting my name tonight?
"Teyla. Ronon." I watch her eyes light up with an inner happiness that makes me jealous.
"It is good to see you are well." Again with the scanner eyes! Why do people do that to me? I'm not that bad a liar, am I? "I hope once you are rested, you will join us for a meal?"
"Maybe," I hedge. What I really want is to be left alone, flying a jumper around the planet, testing the limits of an alien aircraft. How many people get to say that? But no one ever grants me that wish. "I've got some work to do, but I'll let you know." Before I leave them, I watch Teyla's face. Once again, she flays me open, exposing something deep down. She sees through me better than anyone I've ever known. I shift uncomfortably under her gaze, and briefly close my eyes to avoid her stare.
"Where are you headed, Sheppard?" Ronon mumbles.
Saved! I open my eyes to look quickly from Teyla's searching eyes to Ronon's narrowed ones. "I just have to – Look, I'll see you both later." Shuffling sideways as I'm talking, I hitch a thumb up the corridor towards the control room. My arm and shoulder protest at the movement as I give a short wave, as I continue down the never-ending hall.
"Until later then, Colonel," Teyla says, sounding hopeful, yet a little sad. If I could look over my shoulder without falling or screaming in agony, I would.
Finally, I reach the stairs in the control room leading up to Elizabeth Weir's office and 'gate control. I climb the stairs slowly, legs getting heavier by the second. At the top of the stairs, I nod stiffly to the sergeant manning one of the control consoles. Almost there! Teetering on the brink of exhaustion, I suddenly wonder why I'm doing this. The answer to my question is moot. I already know what she's going to say. Maybe I should just leave it alone. Go sleep it off, John. But I can't go to sleep. Not yet.
Then I see her, head in hand, staring furiously at a piece of paper. Stopping at the threshold of her office, I feel like a vampire waiting for an invitation. I can't do anything except watch. Watch her breathe. Watch her move. She was alive, and no thanks to me. And probably tired and hurting. Yes, she did look tired, and the dark bruise on her face was in stark contrast to her pale skin.
My temper nearly got her killed. I was thankful the local color took out their hatred on me. The bumps and bruises, cuts and scrapes, aches and pains I could live with; leaving a planet with a member of my team harmed in any way is unacceptable. I feel my head nod, my eyes close. This could've waited 'til morning. Am I falling asleep standing up?
"John?" Her voice sounds far away... Keep it together, Pilot! "Are you okay?"
I hear her shuffle around her desk towards me. "I'm fine." My eyes snap open, I draw a shaky breath, and raise my head.
"Why don't you sit down." She sounds too concerned; I must look like crap, like Rodney was kind enough to point out earlier. "You look terrible," she confirms. "Why aren't you resting? Does Carson know you're here?"
I laugh harshly. "Just saw him. No. Really. I'm fine." I try to keep a smile plastered to my face as spots dance before my eyes. "I was just checking up on ya, ya know, seein' if everything was okay." I try to look intently at her face as I lower my aching body down uncomfortably to a nearby chair.
Will she lie to me? Like I could tell. I thought I was pretty good at hiding things, but Elizabeth Weir was a master diplomat. Teyla had shown me time and again I wasn't as good as I thought, but if I could get out a situation quicker, namely the infirmary, I'd use what ever I had. Sorry, Carson.
She laughs breathlessly, waving her hand. "To be honest, I am exhausted. As a matter of fact, I was just about to turn in for the night."
My eyebrows bounce in surprise. "Good!" Ahem. "Good," I stammer. "Let me walk you to your room. If that's all right." Why wouldn't it? It's not like we're dating, right? Focus, John!
She gives me a funny, kind of lopsided smile. I wonder briefly if I looked that goofy when I did that. Nope, mine definitely looks goofy and hers looks cute. "Of course it's all right, John." She takes two steps toward me, holding out her hands.
My heart stutters; I'm not sure I'm ready to move yet. But if I was to continue the I'm-fine-everything's-fine pretense, I had to nearly jump out of that chair. Instead, I take her proffered hands, trying not to yelp in pain as my ribs shift. "Thanks."
Gratefully, we walk slowly down the stairs. Either she's aching like me, or she knows more than she's letting on. She clears her throat nervously. "You may remember a little planet we call R3F-269?"
Again, my heart skips a beat, causing my head to swim a bit. She's joking, of course, but still... "Hmmm. Would that be the one with or without the dissident locals?"
She screws up her face in thought. "That would be with. Would you believe they want to talk again?"
What? After beating the crap out of us? "Really? I'm amazed. Do we need to bring gloves? 'Cause I'm always up for another match."
She rolls her eyes. "Actually, they sent their humblest apologies, and even a peace offering." Her hands are clasped lightly behind her back as she ponders the corridor. "And, not only are they going to give us free access to those ruins, they actually want to talk to you. It seems they've never seen someone – how did he put it? – 'as scrawny as that Sheppard take down so large a person.' Impressed, I guess." She rounded her eyes at me.
"Did it with only two, count 'em, two hits," I brag, holding up two fingers. It's not something I'm proud of, but it had to be done.
Finally gaining her rooms, she squeezes my arm. "Here we are." I try to sound as nonchalant as possible.
"Why thank you, kind sir," she says mischievously. "Now, you go directly to bed before you fall down or something." She places her hand on the palmplate to open her door. I wanted to open it for her, but I so lacked the strength. As she entered her room, she turned, looking expectantly at me.
Looking closely at her, I have to say it now. "I'm really sorry, you know. And I hope you'll forgive me." I blurt out before I can stop myself. It takes so much energy from me, I fear I may pass out. But I need to know.
"What?" Elizabeth looks confused, yet amused.
"Forgive me." My head is killing me, and I rub my hand roughly over my face to wake myself up. I just need to hang on a little longer. "What happened the other day shouldn't have. You were not supposed to get hurt. But when I saw that guy take a swing at you, I lost control, and I'm really sorry." Whew! That almost took all my energy to say; I lean my good shoulder heavily against the wall.
She looks closely at me, surprise warring with concern. "Why would I need to forgive you, John?" Her eyes penetrate me, and for the third time today, I look away. "Don't think for a minute when things go wrong that it's your fault. I mean, it didn't really hurt, but it did surprise me. Actually, it hurts more now than when it happened, but–"
Did she stop because of my expression? I know I must look horrified, because that's how I feel. She's just trying to cheer me up, but the whirlwind of guilt is about to suck me under.
Elizabeth's smooth face becomes marred with lines of worry and concern. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. Really, it's not your fault. Not the Wraith. Not Ford."
I can't help but to snap my attention back to her. It still felt like an open wound when his name was mentioned. My biggest failure to date.
Her eyes sharpen. "Or anyone who doesn't come back alive. We've embarked on the riskiest venture of our lives. You knew that, we all knew that. You will not blame yourself for anything. If anyone is to blame, it's me." She puts up a hand as I start to protest. "I hate that you put your life on the line to save everyone. I can't even begin to imagine what you have to deal with on a daily basis. But let me worry about everyone else. You just get back here as safely as you can with as many people as you can." She sighed, placing a light hand on my aching arm. "Are you listening to me?"
As I study the floor, I want to flinch away. But I feel like I need her touch, her comfort. I close my eyes fully now, trying to keep any hidden emotions from surfacing. Taking a deep breath, I force them down again.
"Please. Just say you forgive me," I say flatly, opening my eyes to watch her.
She stares back at me quietly. Suddenly, she moves forward wrapping her arms tightly around my waist, careful of my ribs. Gently, she strokes my back, as if I were a kid who's had a bad day. Truthfully, I kinda feel like one. Leaning away from me she looks up at me again. "You're always forgiven, John." Releasing me, she steps into her room, stopping near a table. "Now, I may not agree with you on some things. But we trust each other to make the right decisions."
Her rooms are still dark, so I nudge Atlantis to turn a light on in the corner. Elizabeth looks momentarily surprised, glancing around the room, then back at me. "You're getting good at that. Now go to bed. Right now." Another mischievous smile curls her lips as she crosses her arms. "I mean it. Don't make me call Carson." Walking back towards the open door, she raises that brow, daring me to disobey.
Despite my bone-tiredness, I can't help but to smile. "Don't think I'm not already in trouble. Good night, Elizabeth. Sweet dreams." Stepping away from the door, I raise a hand. "Let me get that." The door whispers shut, and I'm sure to lock it. Walking away, I feel better. I just needed to hear it from her. I know everything's not my fault, but I can't help feeling that way.
When I finally reach my quarters, I am completely drained, emotionally and physically. I can barely open my own door. Yet it opens, and I stumble inside, blindly finding my way to my bed. I fall into it fully clothed, lacking the energy to even take off my boots. Pulling a blanket around me, I fall into the waiting arms of sleep.
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TBC...