Villains in this chapter: Voldy (again), Darth Vader (Star Wars), President Logan (24), Doctor Cobaltous (Quantum Rangers), Slade (again), Terra (Teen Titans), and Captain Barbossa (Pirates of the Caribbean).
Dedicated to Gwyn. Loosely inspired by I Harth Darth (dot com). It's a very entertaining site. You should visit it. And of course, we don't own any villains, but we own Buddy and Ralph!
"Stop whining, you little crybaby," Anna said impatiently as Voldy writhed on the floor. "It's not that bad!"
All the villains turned as one to watch Voldy, clutching his bloody foot, hop back across the circle of chairs to his seat.
"Want a band-aid?" Darth Vader held out a pink band-aid with Barbie on it. "I gave one to little Lukie when I cut off his hand."
"You cut off your son's hand? Good God, no wonder you're in here!" President Logan put a hand to his forehead. Darth Vader turned to look at him, his false red eyes blazing.
President Logan let out an earsplitting scream. Then, as Voldemort hopped by him, band-aid in one hand and his foot in the other, blood splashed onto his pants, making him scream louder. A second later, the other twenty two people (and creatures) in the circle noticed a small wet spot appearing on the ex- President's pants.
"Um… excuse me? Will somebody fetch me the National Security Advisor… and a clean pair of khakis?"
"Here," Lark dug into the bag by her chair and pulled out a diaper. "This'll do." Turning red, the ex- President took the diaper. "The bathroom's across the hall." President Logan exited the room.
"Hey, why does he get to leave?" Doctor Cobaltous twirled his smarmy moustache evilly. "Even though I'm stuck in here, at least my new apprentice, Quantum Ranger number three, is still out there." He paused. "Whoops, did I say that out loud?"
"You have an apprentice?" Slade looked over at Doctor Cobaltous. "Is he loyal?" Slade cast a look over at Terra, whose eyes turned yellow. Lark squirted her in the face with the water bottle.
"First, my apprentice is a she. And second, DUH! Who doesn't have a loyal apprentice?"
Slade's head dropped onto his chest.
"Here Slade," Anna held out an armadillo. "Pet the armadillo; it'll make you feel better." Slade stuck out his hand hesitantly, then began stroking the armadillo's back. "Good boy." She put her armadillo on Slade's lap, and he kept petting it.
"Don't I get an animal?" Captain Barbossa pouted.
"Here, you can meet Buddy!" Lark was holding onto the leash of a giant, black pit bull that was foaming at the mouth. His sharp yellow teeth were bared, and he growled at the Captain.
"I love him!" Barbossa exclaimed. "Does he fetch?" He pulled out a golden medallion and held it out to Buddy. "Here, sniff the medallion." Buddy pulled out of Lark's grasp and ran over to Barbossa, sticking his nose on the medallion. Barbossa pulled it back and threw it across the room. It landed, ironically, on Voldy's lap.
"Oh no," Voldy's eyes widened. Buddy bounded over to him and jumped on top of him, taking the medallion in his mouth. "Um, good boy?" Voldy pet Buddy on his head while being pinned to the ground by the giant dog's paws. Buddy sniffed him, then licked him on his face.
"He likes you!" Lark said happily.
"Are you sure this animal therapy will work?" Anna whispered to Lark as the two girls watched Buddy cover Voldy's face with saliva.
"Of course it will! I read it in a book, so it has to!"
"If you say so…"
"Besides, look at Slade!"
Slade still had the armadillo, but he was now holding it.
"I love this little guy!" Slade hugged the armadillo.
"His name's Ralph," Anna came over and gently pried the armadillo from Slade's grasp. "We need to give someone else a turn, Slade.
"All right," Slade muttered dejectedly. Anna walked over to Doctor Cobaltous and handed him the armadillo. The armadillo stood on its hind legs and pulled Doctor Cobaltous's smarmy moustache off his face with his teeth.
"Hey, I paid good money for that fake moustache!" Doctor Cobaltous grabbed it back and held Ralph in front of him. "I'll stick you in a pool of distilled water and drop Francium in it if you're not careful!"
Anna snatched Ralph back while Lark squirted the Doctor (who by the way had neither a PhD nor a medical degree; he just liked being called Doctor) with water.
"You've lost your armadillo privileges," Anna shook her finger at Doctor Cobaltous. Then she looked at her watch. "And can someone go check on President Logan? He's been in the bathroom for a while."
Darth Vader stood up and crossed the room to the door.
"I'm not sure that was the best idea," Lark shook her head. She took the armadillo from Anna and passed it to Terra. "Your turn." She smiled, but when she turned around she stuck out her tongue.
"Can I have some help over here?" A rather strangled voice came from the floor. Voldy was still trapped underneath Buddy, despite Barbossa's attempts to get him off.
"Buddy! Come here, boy!" Lark called him over, and Buddy came, the medallion swinging from his mouth.
"Can I have that?" Captain Barbossa held out his hand.
"No," Anna took the medallion from Buddy and dropped it into her purse.
"No! I'm not going in there!"
Everyone turned to look at the door, where Darth Vader was pulling President Logan into the room.
"Come on," Darth said impatiently. "No one will laugh at you, I promise." He tugged the ex- President into the room, who was wearing the diaper Lark had provided.
Everyone burst out laughing.
"Hey, you promised!" President Logan's lip quivered.
"Well, you're a politician," Darth shook his head. "You should know better than to listen to promises."
"This isn't fair! I'm a president!"
"EX- President," Anna said pointedly.
President Logan burst out crying. He sank to the floor, bawling his eyes out. Darth Vader offered him a flower-patterned hankie.
"Here, Mr. President," Anna snatched the armadillo from Terra, "pet the armadillo. It'll make you feel better."