Chapter 78.
Next week Mike had an appointment at the hospital where he was going to start another round of treatment. Harvey had arranged for Adam to accompany Mike there. At first, he had been worried that Mike would be upset that Harvey didn't come with him, but he seemed to instead be thrilled about it.
"It's been ages since I last saw him." Mike said.
"A few weeks, not ages."
"Whatever. When is he coming over?"
"Around nine thirty, so you better be ready by then."
Mike went on a while about how he always was ready early in the morning now a days. Harvey who mostly was the one who woke him up, didn't bother to argue. It was great to see Mike in this mood. He couldn't help but dread the fact that Mike was going to get more treatment. He was afraid of what it would do to the kid. Sure, it would help against the cancer and all of that, but Mike would suffer side effects, and Harvey was afraid that it would affect his mood, more than Mike was ready for.
Mike was doing well now. He was back to work, he both ate and slept better as a result of it. Being back at work seemed to have given Mike a goal to strive for, another goal than just trying to survive. It might also be that he had realized that he needed both sleep and food to be able to function properly at work. Harvey was afraid though that a setback in his physical wellbeing would affect the mental bit, too much. It was almost like Mike had forgotten how bad it had been, like he had forgotten about the nights when they had shared a bed, the times Mike clasped Harvey's hand afraid of letting go. He had been so afraid, so often. It seemed like Mike had forgotten all of that, but Harvey hadn't.
He knew that it was a good thing of course, that Mike didn't seem to be thinking about the bad stuff, but Harvey had a hard time letting it go, and he worried. A lot. Donna had told him not to and she had said that he needed to follow along with Mike. That he needed to encourage him at work.
"Remind him that he's brilliant." She had said. Harvey hadn't used those words but had been a little more modest. He had received a huge smile from Mike though.
"Really?" He had asked, so Harvey assured him. It seemed to make Mike happy.
One day at the office Harvey had looked up from his computer and saw that Mike was sitting at the table where his workstation was set up, he was just looking out the window in front of him. Harvey watched him in silence for a minute or two, and the younger man didn't move, and made no effort in trying to work. Harvey wanted to ask him if something was wrong. He wanted to ask Mike what he was thinking about, but he didn't do that. Instead, he let the younger man be. He didn't want to pressure Mike too much; he didn't want him to overdo it.
Honestly, Harvey didn't give Mike any important work. He and his cases would be fine without the work Mike did. Of course, it added value to the cases but if Mike got too ill to finish it, nothing depended on it. He spent quite a lot of time sorting through his cases, to find suitable tasks for Mike to do. He hoped that Mike didn't suspect anything of this because he could never know. If Mike found out about this, it would probably damage his self esteem quite badly. It wouldn't be good. But maybe Harvey put a little too much work into finding work that didn't matter. But for now, it wasn't anything that he would change, he couldn't depend on Mike yet.
A new treatment cycle would probably mean that Mike would start to feel worse again too. Hopefully it wouldn't be so bad this time, Mike's doctor had assured them that it wouldn't. Harvey had a hard time trusting in that. You never knew how Mike would react. An image of Mike on a hospital bed mid-seizure came to him, and he felt himself jerk a little at the memory. The seizures had been terrible. Hopefully, Mike would never have them again.
Mike had asked his doctors if he would be able to work at the same time as he went through the treatment and had gotten the answer that he probably would be able to do so.
"You need to listen to your body." The doctor had told him. "If something feels odd, or off, you will need to take a step back."
Harvey didn't know if Mike would do that, take a step back. Maybe he wouldn't, now when he was back to work and had gotten a taste of what his previous life had been like.
Tomorrow was the day Mike was going to the hospital again. Mike had been a bit more subdued this weekend, and Harvey couldn't blame him. He felt nervous himself. All he hoped was that it wouldn't be so bad this time. That Mike wouldn't have to spend hours after hours in the bathroom. That he wouldn't spend days laying curled up in bed with a hot water bottle pressed against his chest. Or worse.
"Are you sure that it's fine that you are going with Adam tomorrow?" Harvey couldn't help but ask, as they were sitting together on the couch later that night.
"Yes, Harvey. I'm sure, you don't have to come with me."
"Okay. But you know that if you need me there, I'll be there."
"Yeah, I know that. Thank you. You don't need to though."
"It's fine if you change your mind."
"Wait a minute." Mike said, a smile playing on his lips. "Do you have some boring meeting you need a reason to get out of? Is that why you want to come?"
"What are you talking about? Of course not. I love all my meetings."
Mike laughed. "I'll be fine." He said.
The next day Harvey made sure that he was at home again by the time Mike arrived back from the hospital together with Adam. He heard how the two men talked while they stepped inside the condo. Mike sounded fine and when he came into view, he looked fine as well. A little tired but fine. The kid confirmed it too.
"I'm okay. It's not so bad yet." Mike muttered and disappeared to his room without looking at Harvey. When he returned to the living room, he had changed into more comfortable clothes and had removed his hat and pulled up the hood of his sweater to cover his head. He moaned a bit as he sank down on the couch next to Adam.
"What's wrong?" Harvey wanted to know.
"Nothing is wrong! I'm tired." Mike said.
"Well, I'm going to take off." Adam announced. "I'll see you both tomorrow." He patted Mike's shoulder and whispered something to him before leaving.
Mike waved after him and then laid down on his stomach on the couch. He groaned again and swore down into a pillow.
Harvey rolled his eyes a little. "Let's hear it."
"What?"
Harvey waited.
"I'm nauseated. What do you think? I'm going to throw up on the couch soon if you don't get me something else to do it in."
"How about you just get your ass to the bathroom instead." Harvey suggested.
Mike groaned again and a after a few minutes he got up from the couch and went to the bathroom. Harvey smiled a little when he heard how Mike slammed the door shut. Apparently, he wasn't in the best mood.
When the kid had been gone for half an hour Harvey went to check on him, he frowned when he found that the door was locked. He knocked on it.
"Mike? You good? Open the door."
"Go away. I'm fine."
"Right. At least unlock the door."
He heard nothing from the other side, and he decided to just head back to the living room and let Mike be for now.
Mike joined him an hour or so later. He was pale and looked exhausted, but Harvey couldn't see anything else that was wrong with him.
"You done?" He asked and couldn't help but smirk.
"Oh, shut up." Mike glared at him and plopped down on the couch. "But yeah, I think I'm done."
They went to bed early that night. At least Mike did. Harvey had just taken on a new case and needed to prepare for a meeting the next day, so he brought some files with him to read in bed. It wasn't often he did that, but that was necessary at this point since he had left work about five hours too early today.
Mike hadn't been in any pain today, which was a good thing. The side effects had been mild this time, but the kid was still staying home tomorrow. It wasn't up for debate. Harvey mentally prepared himself for a debate the next morning as he walked over to Mike's room to wake him up.
The kid was sleeping on his side, turned against the door, his face open and totally relaxed in his sleep. For a moment Harvey considered not waking him and heading to work, without talking to him, when Adam arrived. But that would probably cause Mike to come after him by himself, or him doing something else stupid. So, instead he said Mike's name a couple of times until the younger man stirred and woke. He blinked and swallowed a couple of times, looking confused. He didn't sit up or anything, just stared in front of him.
Harvey bent forward to be able to look into Mike's eyes.
"Good morning. I can tell that you are not up for arguing right now, which is perfect for me. Listen, you are staying at home today with Adam. He will be here in twelve minutes, and I'm leaving in thirteen."
Mike yawned and blinked slowly. "What about breakfast?" He said then.
Harvey shook his head. "I'm grabbing something on the way."
"No, I meant my breakfast. Is it ready?"
Mike laughed when Harvey threw a blanket over his face and stood up. He felt an urge to go to the kitchen and put away the breakfast he indeed had prepared for the kid.
Mike came out of his room when Adam had arrived, and Harvey was preparing to leave.
"You're really not going to argue about this?" Harvey asked him as he was tying his tie.
"We both know I'm going to lose anyway, and then you will be late."
"Good boy." Harvey smiled at him. "How are you doing then?"
Mike shrugged and yawned. "Good, I guess. A bit tired."
"Nightmares?"
"One or two."
They looked at each other for a moment. When Harvey saw the look in Mike's eyes he let go of his tie and walked over to Mike and took a hold of his shoulder.
"I'm fine." Mike smiled a little. "Go."
So, Harvey went. The next day Mike went with him for a couple of hours and then Harvey accompanied him to the hospital for another treatment session. Things went well then too and the both of them felt excited over it.
"I'm almost thinking that something is wrong with the treatment now. Like, did they forget something? I've never felt this good afterwards before." Mike said.
"That's great Mike, but you know that this could just be temporary."
Harvey felt forced to say it. He too had a hard time believing that this was how Mike would react from now on. It was like things went a little too well, and that made him suspicious. Things hadn't really gone their way before. Well, the fact that Mike was alive still was one thing. And that his treatment was working.
Now, Mike mumbled something about Harvey ruining his mood and that he was going to go to his room. Harvey watched from the couch how he walked away. He was still so skinny, and still bald. That hadn't changed yet, much to Mike's dismay.
"What if it never grows back?" Mike had asked one night when they were brushing their teeth.
"Don't be stupid. Of course, it will grow back."
Mike hadn't answered him, his eyes fixed on his bald head in the mirror. He had absentmindedly stroked along the side of it, as if to see if he could feel some hair growing back. Apparently, he didn't, because soon after he had turned away from the mirror and avoided looking at himself for the rest of the time they spent in there.
The following weekend they spent at the condo. Harvey went for a run on Saturday, other than that none of them left the house. Mike was tired and quiet, so Harvey let him be. They spent a lot of time on the couch watching movies. At the moment it was only documentaries that was on Mike's mind, and Harvey reluctantly sat through them.
"You know you get to learn things, right." Mike argued. "This is real events that happened to people. It'll warm your heart, engage you."
"Fine." Harvey muttered. He didn't think that he needed to be that engaged in something at the moment, he had enough on his plate. Mike had too.
"You know, this is why I think we need to do more pro bono." Mike continued. "Maybe, when I finish this round, I could take on a case?"
"We'll see." Harvey said. Mike would probably be pissed if he said no right away, which was the real answer. He wasn't going to let the kid work on any cases for a long time, but Mike didn't need to know that.
"And you know, maybe I could start working three days a week soon as well?"
"That is a discussion we are going to have with your doctor. You know that."
He saw that Mike rolled his eyes, but he didn't say anything else. Harvey smiled; it had been a good try. He knew that Mike was eager for things to go back to normal, but he was the one that hadn't left the house in three days now. They were going to take things slow, no matter what Mike said.
They still used the baby monitor, neither of them had said something about it. Mike had just glanced at him when Harvey had come into his room one afternoon to change the batteries. Maybe the kid still looked at it as a form of safety measure. If he was in trouble, Harvey would hear him for sure. A couple of times Harvey had woken up from Mike talking in his sleep. It had annoyed him one night when Mike had some pretty bad nightmares and woke Harvey up at least four times during a couple of hours. But every time he went to check on the kid Mike had calmed down again and was fast asleep. The fifth time Harvey woke him up.
The morning Mike was set on coming with him to work again it was sounds from the baby monitor that woke Harvey up. Mike was screaming. Harvey could hear that it was a nightmare though, he knew how that sounded. When he sat up and looked at the time it was only five thirty. Way too early to get up, but Mike was still making faint distressed sounds, so he walked over to the kid's room.
When he got there Mike was awake and sitting up in bed looking startled.
"You okay?" Harvey asked as he walked into the room.
Mike stared at him with wide eyes for a minute, and then put a hand over his chest. That movement sent a shiver along Harvey's back, and he instantly got closer to the younger man and put a hand on his shoulder.
"What's wrong? Mike, is it your heart?"
It was so long ago since Mike's heart had bothered him. Harvey had hoped that they were past all of that. That Mike's heart was now strong enough again to not be causing him any problems.
To his relief Mike shook his head but didn't remove his hand.
"I just had a nightmare." He said.
"Okay." Harvey sat down next to him on the bed. "What was it about?"
Mike shrugged a little.
"Some guy was chasing me with a knife. I kept hiding, but he just found me. I had a knife as well and I tried to stab him, but it was like his skin was made of rubber and I couldn't hurt him. He stabbed me though. Then I was running but I didn't get far because my heart stopped. That's when I woke up."
"Hm…" Harvey said.
"It's just beating really fast. It always freaks me out."
"Yeah. I get that." Harvey said. "Here. Let me." He took a hold of Mike's wrist and felt for his pulse. "Take a few deep breaths."
Mike closed his eyes and did what he was told. For a minute they sat like that. Harvey then put Mike's hand back down on his lap.
"You're fine. We should sleep a bit more."
Mike sighed. "I don't think I can. We can head to the office early."
"I don't think so. It's not even six a clock."
"But I'm not tired."
"Yeah, well, I am. I didn't go to bed at nine thirty like some people." Harvey stood up to head back to his bed.
"It wasn't nine thirty!" Mike called after him.
"I went to check on you around ten and you slept like a baby."
"Yeah, maybe I fell asleep five minutes before that."
Harvey rolled his eyes and laid down on his bed. He had a bit of a hard time falling asleep though. He thought of the expression on Mike's face as he had been sitting there on his bed with his hand over his heart. He hated that Mike felt scared. He wanted to do something about that.
-SUITS-
Harvey had given Mike three files to go through, and there was even one from Louis in the pile. This was the most work he had been given so far, it felt exciting. They hadn't given him any deadline though, which probably meant that this wasn't anything they prioritized. He tried to not think about that though, that the work he did was practically useless. They just found something for him that could keep him busy the few hours he spent here. He wasn't going to complain though, Harvey wouldn't like that, and he was the one that ultimately decided if he could be here or not. It wasn't up to his doctors; it was up to Harvey. They all knew that but pretended otherwise. It was fine with Mike.
It was nice to get out of the house, and so far, he felt like he could handle everything. Sometimes he had his doubts about his abilities. Would he be able to sit through a whole day without falling asleep? Would he be able to concentrate? Would he feel out or place or lost?
Those thoughts kept running through his head, even though it had been a few weeks now. He had managed though; it hadn't been many problems. Harvey was great, and so was Donna. She really looked after him when he was at the office. Just now she had been by with a smoothie for him. He had no idea where she got them from, but they tasted nice. She said he needed to eat more fruit. Or in this case drink it.
"You are way too pale." She had said.
Mike didn't know if drinking smoothies would help with the paleness, but it was worth a try. And Donna looked so satisfied when he finished it. He spent a lot of time at the office talking to her. A chair had showed up next to her desk, and he would walk out and sit on it and talk to her. Maybe it was more like bothering her, but she never said anything about it. She never asked for him to leave, just kept talking to her. Whenever her phone would ring, she put a finger up in the air, answered it, talked for a bit and then turned back to him and continued their conversation.
He also went by Rachel's office when he was there, or sometimes going to see what Louis was up to. Harvey never said anything about it when he would get up from his desk in Harvey's office, and without saying anything just walked away.
"Be back at one, we are leaving then." He said sometimes. Or maybe something about telling him if he left the building. Not that Mike had any reason for doing that. But Harvey was great, and Mike really appreciated him. Harvey always knew what to do to make him feel better. Like this morning when he woke up from a nightmare and was freaking out because his heart was beating way to fast. Harvey had taken his wrist and had felt for his pulse. They just sat like that until Mike felt calm again. Harvey next to him and his warm hand enclosing his wrist was all it took. Harvey said that he was fine, and Mike believed him instantly.
He did worry about his heart though. Sometimes he found himself pressing a hand across his ribcage just to feel it beating in there. He had done it earlier today, and Harvey had seen him. He hadn't said anything though, and Mike had removed his hand and smiled.
He had chemo treatment and was getting a dose of the trial drug tomorrow. He didn't look forward to it at all. He had no say in what days he could have the treatment. At least he didn't think so, maybe Harvey had. He still wasn't that involved in his treatment plan. He probably should get more involved; he could keep track of it himself now. He was doing better and certainly capable of it now. But it was convenient to have Harvey do it for him. If he was honest, he preferred to have it that way, having Harvey that involved.
Treatment tomorrow meant that he probably wouldn't be able to head to the office on Wednesday though. If he felt like shit after it, Harvey would want him to stay at home and rest. But maybe on Thursday.
"Are you working at all? Or are you going to stare out the window the entire day?"
Harvey interrupted his thoughts, and he realized that he probably had been staring out the window for a while now.
"I'm almost done." He said. "This is too easy."
Harvey rolled his eyes at him and turned back to his computer. Mike looked back down at his file and pick up the marker again. He wasn't almost done; this was only the second file out of four. Harvey didn't need to know that though.
The treatment the next day was boring. Harvey had something better to do so he was there alone. He chatted with a nurse for an hour or so during chemo. She was pregnant and wanted suggestions for baby names. He of course suggested his own name.
"Michael is a classic name. Always works." He argued.
"Maybe if you had died." She laughed a little and hit his arm a little. Mike laughed as well. "It just has a little too much of an old man vibe for my taste."
"Ouch. You're calling me old? You can always go with Mike!"
"Well, actually my husband is convinced it's a girl."
"Oh well…"
They didn't have time to finish the conversation because an alarm started to sound from a room down the hall and the nurse left after squeezing his arm and telling him he had thirty minutes left.
Harvey picked him up when he was done. He was waiting by the door and asked if Mike was nauseated yet.
"Ray told me he hasn't restocked the paper bags for you, but he can take another route where it's easier to stop."
Mike rolled his eyes and felt annoyed. He got into the car without answering. They didn't need to stop on the way, and Mike threw up in the bathroom instead. He hated throwing up. He must have done it hundreds of times now, but never got used to the feeling. The after taste in his mouth was always horrible as well.
He was in a bad mood that night. Especially when Harvey refused to let him go to bed without having dinner.
"I just threw up for two hours!" Mike yelled at him when Harvey stood there in the doorway for the third time.
"It wasn't two hours. Your sense of time is totally off." Harvey said. "Come out into the kitchen now." He left before Mike could yell anything else. He groaned as he sat up and had to sit on the edge of the bed for a while until the room stopped spinning. He wasn't going to eat, but he could at least go to the kitchen and tell Harvey that to his face.
Harvey had made soup that smelled kind of nice. The older man had gotten good at cooking. Maybe he could at least try to see if he could keep it down. Harvey seemed satisfied when he picked up the spoon.
When they had finished dinner Harvey stood up and took their bowls with him to the kitchen. Mike stayed at the table with his phone.
"Here." Harvey suddenly said and pushed a small box wrapped in gift paper towards him. He then sat down on his seat in front of Mike again. Mike stared at the box and then at Harvey.
"What's this?" He asked without touching it.
"It's a gift."
"Why are you getting me a gift?"
Harvey rolled his eyes. "Because I'm nice. Open it."
"Eh. Okay."
Mike opened it and found that it contained a small smart watch. He just looked at it and felt a bit dumbfounded. Why was Harvey getting him a gift? And an expensive gift at that.
"Thank you." He got out.
"Alright." Harvey seemed to have lost his patients because he leaned over the table and snatched the box from his hands. He then opened the package and took the watch out.
"Give me your hand." He said and Mike did. He watched as Harvey put it on him. Harvey then swiped a few times on the display.
"Look." He said. "It measures your heartrate."
Mike looked at the display and saw a small beating heart there.
"It has this feature where you can set it so that an alarm goes out to an app if the heartrate is too high. I've already downloaded it."
The display went out and Mike tapped it. His heartrate had gone up a few beats. He smiled.
"Thank you, Harvey!" His voice broke a little and he felt how his eyes burned a little. "This is great."
Harvey chuckled next to him and gave him a sideways hug. "Yeah, I know." He said. He took out the instructions to the watch and put it on the table in front of Mike. "That's the name of the app." He pointed. Then he gathered their glasses and went to the kitchen again. Mike looked after him and back down at his watch. He saw how the small heart was beating steadily and he wiped his eyes with his other hand. This was going to be great. He could keep track of how his heart was doing with this. And Harvey could too. He would know if Mike's heartrate went too high. He would know if he needed help. He was never going to take it off.
Harvey let him come to work the next day.
"If you think you can handle it." He had said, and Mike assured him that he could.
The watch really helped. He found himself looking at it often, just to reassure himself. He had found a feature where he was able to see his heartrate just below the time, so he just had to touch it once to see it.
He was staring at it once and when he looked up, he saw that Harvey was looking at him.
"Does it help you?" He asked.
Mike nodded. "Yes, it does."
"Good." Harvey said. He smiled as he looked down at his computer screen again. Mike smiled as well. Once again Harvey had helped him with a problem he had had. This didn't fix the problem, but it made him feel better.
Later that day he got a headache and they headed home early. Adam came over the next day and Harvey went to work by himself. He was gone the entire day, and Mike went to bed without seeing him. It wasn't often that happened, but Harvey had called him to let him know. He had a boring day because the headache from the day before didn't ease up. He took a couple of painkillers, but nothing helped so he stayed in bed most of the day. Him and Adam watched a movie together and Adam showed him pictures on his phone of his nieces birthday party. It was twin girls and they had turned 7. Adam had gifted them each a superhero cape, one was batman and the other Wonder woman. It was all very cute.
-SUITS-
"I'm telling you; you don't need to feel guilty about this." Donna said and Harvey tried to take what she said to heart.
It was late afternoon and the second day Harvey had spent at the office without Mike.
"I'm sure Mike isn't even giving it a thought. And it's the weekend tomorrow, you can spend time with him then."
"Yes, I know Donna. But he was asleep when I got home yesterday and asleep when I left this morning."
"But didn't Adam say that Mike had a bad day yesterday, that he needed to sleep in."
"Yes, but…"
"And did Mike say anything about it when you talked to him just now?"
"No, but…"
"No buts, everything is fine Harvey. You have work to do here, Mike understands that.
"I guess." Harvey muttered. Donna told him exactly the thing he had been thinking himself. Of course, she did, because it was the truth. Mike wasn't that ill that he needed Harvey close anymore. It was doubtful that he even needed Adam there. But he wasn't going to leave Mike alone until a doctor said that it was fine. He would never be able to forgive himself if he did, and something happened, like heart failure, or something like that. No matter what anyone told him, it wasn't going to happen. Mike seemed to have accepted that as well.
They were in another faze of this journey now though. It was absolutely great. He could see the change in Mike almost daily. He saw it in Mike's eyes, in the way he walked and in the way he smiled. He was getting better day by day. But they weren't going to risk anything.
He still felt guilty though about leaving the kid with his nurse for two whole days. It didn't seem fair, no matter what Donna said. She said that Mike didn't need him like that anymore. Somehow it made him feel a bit sad. He didn't want to feel like that, but he did.
Mike was laying on the couch when he got home, and Adam was nowhere to be seen. But before Harvey had time to say something about it the nurse came out of Mike's room with a bunch of laundry in his arms.
"What happened?" Harvey asked.
"Eh… I had an accident." Mike said sheepishly.
"You wet the bed?" Harvey smirked.
"No. I did not wet the bed. I dropped a glass of juice." Mike glared at him.
"Yeah, it was my fault as well." Adam said. "I wasn't quick enough."
"It wasn't your fault at all." Mike said. "I don't know, my hand just gave out. It was weird."
"Is something wrong?" Harvey asked and wished that he would have skipped the last meeting and went home earlier.
"No." Mike muttered. "I just dropped it."
"You might want to do something about the chair." Adam said. "I tried to get it off, but there are still some stains."
"Alright." Harvey said. "It doesn't matter. I'll take care of that if you want." He mentioned for the sheets Adam still was holding. But the nurse declined and went off to the bathroom. Mike was still laying down with his iPad in his hands.
"You good?" Harvey asked him. Mike nodded without looking away from the screen.
"Look at me." Harvey waited until he did.
"Talk to me." He knew that it was something.
Mike shrugged. "I'm just tired." He said. Harvey nodded; he was going to let it go for now. Maybe he should order them pizza tonight. They could talk and watch a movie.
Mike only had two slices before he said that he was done, and then he fell asleep fifteen minutes into the movie. Maybe it was a statement since Harvey had insisted on choosing something else than a documentary. Harvey woke him up when the end credits rolled. Mike yawned and looked around, confused.
"What happened?" He asked.
"What do you mean? In the movie?"
"No… Never mind." Mike mumbled and closed his eyes again.
"You should go to bed." Harvey said.
"Fine." Mike said and didn't move.
"Mike. Now."
"Fine. I'm going." He still wasn't moving, and Harvey sighed at him.
"Do you want me to carry you? Or get the wheelchair?"
Mike groaned now. "What's the rush?" He slowly sat up. Harvey kept an eye on him as he stumbled over to the bathroom.
When Mike was in his room, getting ready for bed Harvey walked inside without knocking. Mike was standing in the middle of the room, tying the pants he wore while sleeping. He didn't have a shirt on, and as always when he saw Mike's chest Harvey couldn't help but stare at the scars that ran along it. It stood out so clearly against Mike's pale skin.
"What?" Mike said and turned his back against Harvey. He had seen him looking.
"I'm just checking in." Harvey said and sat down on the chair. Adam had been right, there were some yellow looking stains on it now. Apparently, Mike had had orange juice.
Mike pulled on a shirt and a hoodie and put a hat on his head. He sat down on the bed in front of Harvey.
"Checking in huh?"
"Yep."
"Well, I'm fine. A little tired, and a slight pain in my chest. Other than that, I'm perfect. How are you Harvey?"
Harvey shook his head at him. "I'm fine too. No chest pains here."
"Good. Then I don't have to worry."
"No, you don't. Do I have to worry?"
"Nope."
"So, I wanted to ask you something."
"Yes, I figured that much." Mike smirked.
"Are you fine with me being at the office like this?"
"Like how?"
"You know, gone all day."
Mike smiled at him. "Yes, I am." He said. "I'm perfectly fine without you here for a day."
"Are you sure?"
Mike was blushing a bit now. "Eh…Harvey. Yes. I don't need you around all the time anymore. That was a while ago now." He wouldn't meet Harvey's eyes now and pulled a little at the sleeves of the hoodie.
"Are you sure?" Harvey insisted. "Because I can reschedule so that I'll…"
"Harvey. You don't need to do that." Mike interrupted him. "I'm fine. I swear. And look, if I need you to stay home, I'll tell you. Okay?"
"Okay. Fine." Harvey said. He knew that Mike was uncomfortable because he still refused to look at Harvey.
"There is something else as well." He said.
Mike groaned now and let himself fall down on the bed. "What?" He asked.
"I have court tomorrow afternoon, and I was thinking that you could come with me. If you are up for it."
"Really?!" Mike exclaimed. "You are letting me do that?"
"Yes, if you are up for it. It won't take long at all, so I think it might be good for your first time back."
"Wow! I'm not saying no to that." He smiled but didn't sit up again.
"Well, you better sleep then. Big day tomorrow."
"Yes, I will. Good night, Harvey."
"Good night, Mike."
Harvey walked over and turned on the light at the desk before turning of the ceiling light. Mike still slept with a light on most nights. It was convenient for Harvey as well, if something happened during the night it was good to be able to see something right away. Besides Mike still had quite a lot of nightmares, so it helped him when he woke up as well. It was up to him if he wanted it off, and now Mike didn't say anything. Harvey stepped over to his bed now and pulled the cover out from under him and then draped it over Mike.
The younger man looked up at him, with something in his eyes that Harvey couldn't make out. He considered asking again if Mike was alright, but it was up to him as well to tell Harvey if he wasn't, and Mike was quiet now. He did open his mouth but didn't say anything. Harvey nodded to him and left the room.
The next morning Harvey allowed himself to stay in bed ten minutes extra before he got up. He headed over to Mike's room and knocked on the door and then opened it without waiting for an answer. Mike groaned a little and moved around, but he didn't answer Harvey when he said good morning.
He headed over to the bathroom and took a shower and got dressed. On his way towards the kitchen, he stopped and knocked on Mike's door again.
"It's time to get up." He said.
Mike mumbled something that Harvey ignored and went to make them breakfast. Mike still hadn't shown up when it was ready, so he walked over to the kid's room for the third time this morning.
Harvey opened the door to the kid's room and peeked inside. Mike was still asleep. The knocking he had done twenty minutes ago hadn't woken him apparently. Harvey couldn't help but feel a little bit frustrated. They were going to be late now. Mike needed some time in the mornings, he knew that. It was his own fault for staying in bed those ten minutes extra. At least Harvey had already set up the breakfast for them and all he needed to do now was to wake Mike up and get him into the kitchen. Harvey carefully shook Mike shoulder until the man groaned and moved away.
"Mike, it's time to get up." Harvey said. "Now."
Mike didn't answer. He just blinked a bit, closed his eyes again and his breaths got deeper again as he fell asleep, in the short time Harvey stood there.
"No, don't you dare." He muttered and shook him again. "Mike, I mean it. Wake up."
Mike blinked up at him again. He looked exhausted and Harvey at once felt bad. He pursed his lips.
"Maybe you should stay at home today." He said.
Mike didn't answer him.
"Mike?"
"I'm just tired." The kid whispered. Harvey considered their options. Force Mike up and have him being grumpy but being at the office on time or just let him sleep a bit longer.
"Okay, you can have another half an hour."
Harvey left the door opened and went to eat breakfast by himself. He needed to text Donna and ask her to postpone his first client meeting for the day. When he had finished and gotten dressed in his tie and suit jacket, he returned to Mike's room and found him deeply asleep, half his face covered by a blanket. He didn't wake up when Harvey called his name, so he had to shake him again.
Mike groaned a bit but didn't open his eyes.
"You said… you said I could have half an hour." He mumbled.
"It's been forty minutes now."
"Oh."
Mike still didn't move.
"Did you sleep badly tonight? How are you feeling?" Harvey asked him. Maybe something was wrong with him. He stopped his first impulse to feel Mike's forehead, he didn't look feverish.
"No." Mike said, and Harvey rolled his eyes.
"Okay, but can you get up now then?"
"Sure."
Harvey waited a minute.
"Mike. I've already postponed a meeting today. Are you planning on getting up today or not?"
"Okay! I said I was getting up."
Harvey rolled his eyes again and held back his remarks. Mike hadn't said anything at all about getting up, and now he was cranky. So much for another forty minutes of sleep. He left the room. He would give Mike fifteen minutes more, or maybe twenty, then he would go and check on him again.
It took Mike twenty-two minutes to get out of bed and stumble into the living room. Harvey was sitting at the kitchen island next to the breakfast that he had left out for the kid.
"And why then are you not even dressed?" He asked. "I thought you wanted to come with me to work."
Mike let out a deep breath and stopped in the middle of the floor. He wouldn't look up. He just stood there, staring down at the floor.
"Mike?!" Harvey said and the kid jerked a little. Harvey let out a sigh and pursed his lips when Mike looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes. His voice trembled when he spoke.
"I don't… I don't think I can work today. I just… I'm really tired, and I feel dizzy. I'm sorry, I should have told you earlier or something. I didn't mean to make you late. I'm sorry."
"Oh Mike, shut up."
"But I…"
"Do you think I was finished?"
Mike wiped his eyes and then shook his head. He stumbled over to one of the chairs and held on to it for support.
"Damn right I wasn't. You still have heart cancer, and you were at the hospital a few days ago for God sakes. Do you think I've forgotten about all of that? Of course, you are going to have bad days. Never apologize for feeling bad. It's not your fault. Do you hear me?"
Mike was breathing hard and staring in front of him. It hurt in Harvey to see that he had tears in his eyes. He looked so broken, so different from just the other day. He didn't answer Harvey.
"Now I'm finished." Harvey added then, in a softer voice. "I asked you a question."
Mike nodded. "I hear you." He whispered.
"Good."
"But what about court? We were going to court today. You said I could come with you."
"There will be other occasions. You know that."
"But… I was going to… you said… And you're late now."
"You're not making any sense. Maybe you should sit down, Mike." Harvey said gently. It looked like Mike's legs were about to give out. They were shaking. Mike clumsily did what Harvey suggested. He stared down at the table without saying anything else. Harvey watched him for a minute.
"Do you want me to stay home with you?" He asked.
Mike pressed his lips together and looked away. "If you want." He mumbled.
"I asked what you wanted."
Mike didn't answer in a long time, but then he met Harvey's eyes and nodded.
"Yeah, I want you to. But you don't have to. You have court."
"I'll stay then." Harvey said, ignoring the part about the court. "I'll just go and change. Go back to bed."
"But you said that you postponed…"
"Don't worry about that. Just go." Harvey waived him off and walked over to his bedroom.
There was no need for him to be wearing a suit at home. After a call to Donna about canceling all his meetings and postpone the court date he went to look for his laptop. Where had he put it? It wasn't on any of the tables or in his bedroom. He knew it wasn't in Mike's room either because he remembered bringing it out of there last night. A couple of minutes later he found it in the bag he was bringing to work. He must have packed it last night without thinking about it.
Mike was curled up below the covers on his bed when Harvey walked inside his room without knocking. Harvey could only see the top of his head, covered by the hood of his hoodie.
"Are you sleeping?" Harvey whispered.
"No." Mike pulled the cover down and looked up at him. "Are you really staying?" He asked.
"Yes, I told you I would. Donna has cancelled all my meetings already."
"Okay."
"You in pain?"
Mike shrugged.
"Nauseated?"
"A little."
"Do you need a bucket?"
"No, it's not that bad. At least not yet."
Harvey nodded. "Did you take your meds then?"
Mike hadn't and Harvey went to get them. He also tried to get Mike to eat some breakfast, but quickly gave up that attempt. It would probably just come up again, it usually did when Mike was feeling like this.
Harvey sat down by his desk to work, and Mike went back to sleep. He slept for four hours until Harvey woke him up to see if he wanted some lunch.
Mike yawned and rubbed his eyes. He then slowly turned on his back. He didn't speak for a couple of minutes; he was just laying there blinking slowly up at the ceiling.
"Okay." He said then.
"Okay what?" Harvey looked over at him, having no idea what was okay.
"I can try some food."
"Oh. Sure. Do you think you can get up, or do you want to stay in here?"
"Maybe here?"
"Sure." Harvey said again and went to the kitchen. By the time he got back Mike had managed to sit up on the bed and was waiting for him.
He only picked at the food, moved it around on the plate with his fork. Harvey forced himself not to comment on that. Mike seemed to be in a miserable mood.
"What's on your mind?" He asked.
Mike shrugged a little. Harvey waited.
"I thought I could do it."
"Do what?"
"Force through it and go with you. But I'm so tired today. Yesterday as well. But I just thought that if I could sleep a little more it would be fine, but it's not."
"Okay."
"I'm sorry."
Harvey shook his head. "What are you sorry about?"
"Making you stay here. Messing up your case. I bet they are not happy with you for postponing. That's my fault."
Harvey could see how his lip trembled and how his eyes got shiny. He wiped his eyes, but it didn't work that well. He mumbled that he was sorry again and stared down on his plate of cold food.
"It's my choice to stay home with you. I want to do that, Mike. I care more about you than about the case. Nothing is your fault." Harvey said.
Mike didn't answer him, just put his plate on the table next to his bed and with some effort laid down, his back against Harvey.
"Did you hear me?" Harvey said.
"Yeah." Mike whispered. And Harvey didn't believe him at all. But he didn't feel like this was the right time pushing him towards anything. Clearly Mike wasn't having a good day today. In fact, it seemed like he was having a really bad day. It only took a couple of minutes until Harvey got confirmation on that, because Mike's body started to shake. He was crying.
Harvey swallowed hard and considered the best way forward. Leave Mike be or offer comfort. He chose to try the latter.
"Mike, you don't have to be upset. Everything is fine. I'm not mad at you or anything if that's what you think."
Unsurprisingly, Mike didn't answer him. He just continued to cry.
"Hey, don't cry." Harvey said and sat down on the edge of his bed. "You don't need to cry, kid."
"But I suck!" Mike suddenly exclaimed, much louder than any of them was ready for. Mike seemed to surprise himself as well.
"I wanted to go to court with you! I wanted that." He got out. "I hate myself. I hate this."
"Hey…" Harvey mumbled and leaned forward and put a hand on Mike's back.
Mike took a few deep breaths and swore. "Sorry." He said then. "Sorry, I just… I guess I'm disappointed. And I'm screwing everything up as usual."
"You are not screwing anything up."
"Yes, I am. I'm causing you to miss a court date. It's my fault."
"Do you really want me to repeat myself huh?"
"But…"
"I've already told you that it's my choice to stay at home with you. If I thought it was important, I could have gone without you and had Donna come and stay with you. But it's not. I can do it another day. The case will still be there tomorrow. Nothing will have changed, Mike. You know this."
Mike didn't say anything now, and Harvey was satisfied that he had reached the kid now.
"What do you say about doing something fun, huh?"
"Okay." Mike said. "What?"
"I don't know. Anything other than this." Harvey smiled at Mike's back. "Let's go to the couch. "
"Cause that's fun?"
Mike breathed out deeply and Harvey squeezed his shoulder.
"It beats laying here, crying your eyes out, doesn't it?"
"Oh, shut up."
"I'm right though." Harvey dared to smirk a bit.
Mike glared at him and wiped his face. "You're an asshole."
Harvey laughed at him and offered out his hand to Mike and then dragged him up and out of the bed.
"Oh, were you having a moment?"
"Harvey…" Mike whined and tried to hit his arm, but Harvey easily sidestepped him.
They sat down on the couch together and Mike already looked better. That hint of despair in his eyes were no longer there and Harvey felt happy with himself about getting the kid in a better mood. For a moment he laid his arm around Mike's back and hugged him close to him for a moment. Mike smiled then they locked eyes.
They spent half an hour after that trying to decide which movie to watch, Harvey eventually letting Mike decide, only for him to fall sleep twenty minutes into it. He let Mike sleep though, he needed it.
Mike woke up a few hours later. Harvey had had time to finish the movie and get some work done. The younger man swallowed a few times and then clumsily sat up.
"Hello." Harvey said.
Mike just looked at him and then got up and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later Harvey heard reaching sounds. He sighed and waited a while for them to stop. Should he head over and help? He called out to Mike to ask but didn't get an answer so he got up to check.
Mike was on his knees, leaning over the toilet, retching, and coughing. Harvey stood there behind him, awkwardly waiting for him to be finished.
"You finished?" He asked as Mike leaned back. The kid jerked a little and then nodded. Harvey went to get him a glass of water that he handed to Mike. The younger man's hands were shaking. Harvey then helped him to stand up and he spit a few times in the sink.
"That was gross." He said and smirked a little.
"You said it." Harvey said. "I guess you are not eager to have dinner then."
Mike rolled his eyes at him and pushed himself past Harvey. He laid down on the couch and let out a loud groan.
"This day sucks."
Harvey couldn't help but laugh a little at him.
"It could be worse."
"How…?" Mike moaned and dramatically threw his arm over his face.
"I don't think I need to answer that question, kid."
"You know, things can suck in different ways. Just because I'm not dying right now, doesn't mean it sucks any less right now."
"Yeah? That's just bullshit." Harvey sat down in front of Mike and got his laptop. "Can you just suffer in silence now please, so I can get some work done."
Harvey smirked to himself when Mike gestured at him with his hand. He was quiet though, and the next time Harvey looked up at him, he was fast asleep with his mouth open and the hat a covering half of his face.
Later that night he had to force a miserable and grumpy Mike to eat dinner. He hadn't eaten anything the entire day, and still he sat there and claimed that he wasn't hungry. It was probably true, and he probably was afraid of throwing up again, but Harvey couldn't let him go without any nutrition for an entire day.
"We've had this discussion before and I'm not going to force you to eat, but you should know by yourself that you have to do it."
Mike sighed.
"I do know. But it's not that easy. And I really don't feel hungry."
Harvey shook his head at him. He wasn't going to argue. He thought about a time when he had forced Mike to eat, and what had happened after that. It hadn't been successful at all, and he had been forced to spend a lot of time cleaning up and doing laundry after that.
Mike did eat about half the portion on his plate though, and Harvey was happy with that.
That evening Harvey stayed in Mike's room until he fell asleep.
-SUITS-
Mike blinked quickly and saw that Harvey was still sitting in the chair next to his bed. He wasn't sure if Harvey had seen that he was still awake. He didn't move at least. He was sitting slouched down on the chair, resting his head in one of his hands, and was staring up at the wall in front of him.
Mike had broken down again today. It was a while ago since he last had done it, at least like that. But he hadn't been able to hold it back. He had really been excited about going to court with Harvey. Finally, it was happening, and Harvey had thought that he was ready again. Harvey had trusted him to be able to handle it.
And then he had woken up and felt like absolute shit. Already the first time Harvey shook him awake he had known that it wasn't going to work. He could feel it in his whole body. He hadn't even been able to stay awake. Then the third of forth time Harvey came to wake him he knew that it was time to get up. Just sitting up had been a struggle, he was so dizzy that he had fallen on the bed again after that first try. He had been forced to take it very slowly and was amazed that he was able to stand up. Even his feet ached as he put his weight on them.
Harvey had said that it was okay and had offered to stay with him. Mike didn't want him to leave. Afterward when he was back in bed again, he had changed him mind and felt close to tears. He wasn't just ruining the day for himself, but for Harvey as well. Luckily, he had fallen asleep quickly and hoped that he would feel better when he woke up again. He didn't. Instead, he just felt worse.
He tried to pretend that he was fine, that his insides weren't tearing him apart, but he couldn't hold it in for that long. He just felt so damn down. He felt so guilty about not being able to push through and so angry at himself, and his body. It was like it knew that this was something he had been looking forward too, so it just shut down. He hadn't been able to stop himself from crying, so he had embarrassed himself as well. Harvey had said some nice things though and he had slept a little more. He felt slightly better after that. At least until he threw up.
Now, Harvey was sitting next to him and waiting for him to fall asleep. It was sweet. He really should try and sleep so that Harvey could leave. He didn't really feel like actually telling Harvey that he could leave. It was comforting having him there, he couldn't deny that. So, just for tonight he wouldn't say anything. Harvey had said earlier that it was okay to have bad days. Today had been one of those. Tomorrow would be better.
It turned out that he was right because he felt better the next morning. He had slept well also, no nightmares. They occurred less and less, something he was thankful for. He woke up before Harvey came and woke him and went up and made breakfast. Harvey was pleased when he came and saw it.
"I take it that today doesn't suck yet." He said and Mike laughed a little.
"Not yet, no."
"That's good."
"So, hospital today?" Harvey asked and reached for the butter.
"Yep. And therapy."
"Good. When is Adam getting here then?"
"I don't know. That's your department."
"Right. I guess we'll see then."
"So, do you have court today?" Mike asked.
"I don't know. That's Donna's department." They both smiled.
Adam rang the doorbell thirty minutes later, and Mike went to let him in, while Harvey went to get dressed.
Adam accompanied him to the hospital and then to therapy session. The nurse wasn't sure that it was a good idea that he took part, after the treatment, but Mike felt that he wanted to try. He mostly enjoyed the therapy and felt that they helped him. Often, he didn't talk much, just listened, but it felt good to be among others that went through the same thing he did. He liked to hear about the young mother that struggled with the same feelings he did, of feeling like she was a burden to her husband and feeling guilty about needing help.
The therapy helped in dealing with all the conflicting emotions inside him. Just knowing that the others in the group experienced the same feelings helped him. He listened to their stories and stored them all in his brain, to be able to pick them out later.
They were about halfway into today's session when he had to excuse himself and go and throw up in the bathroom. Adam that had been waiting outside, followed him, and stood outside the stall with some tissues when he was done.
"We better head home, huh? I take it you're not done."
Mike agreed. He threw up twice in the cab as well, which was embarrassing. He saw how the cab driver gave him disgusted looks. Adam sat next to him and had produced a plastic bag for him, so at least it wasn't on the car floor or something like that. The nurse did come prepared. Mike briefly wondered if he still carried around that portable defibrillator. Probably not.
Adam had to practically drag him up to the condo, because his body had stopped cooperating, and all it wanted to do was to curl up somewhere flat.
He spent a long time that day just trying to lay as still as possible as he stared into the wall. It was boring. It wasn't so much else he could do though or wanted to do. He wondered how much time he had spent laying down since he got his diagnose, how many percent of his time awake. His qualified guess would be around seventy-five to eighty. He was in such a bad shape right now. Could muscles disappear entirely? Because he figured some of his were gone. He probably wouldn't last more than a minute on his bike, not that he was allowed to use it now.
Harvey got home, but Mike didn't bother to turn around or anything when he heard the older man coming over to him. He knew how Harvey looked; he wasn't going to risk stirring up his sensitive stomach at this point. Harvey had changed his bedsheets just two days ago, he probably wouldn't appreciate doing it again so soon.
"Hi there." Harvey said.
"Hi." Mike answered.
"You good?"
"Nope. You?"
Mike groaned when Harvey sat down behind him and jolted the bed.
"That bad, huh. Well, I'm great. Let me tell you about my day."
Mike couldn't help but smile to himself as he closed his eyes and listen to Harvey telling him about the latest news on his case. Harvey then carefully got off his bed and went to make them something to eat, as he said. Mike wasn't going to eat anything, but Harvey didn't care at all when Mike told him that.
The next day he was still feeling dizzy and nauseated, and he had been forced to get up twice during the night to throw up. The first time it had been the dinner Harvey had forced into him, the second time it was just watery bile. Very gross.
He felt a bit pissed at the fact that it still felt like he was going to empty his stomach on the floor if he moved from the bed now, even after nine hours of sleep.
"I don't know why you are surprised about this." Harvey said when Mike complained to him a bit later. "This is how you have been every time after treatment. Is something wrong with your brain? Have you forgotten that?"
Mike had to admit that he was right, but still he was supposed to be better. Apparently, it was a slow process. Not that anyone had told him otherwise. It still sucked that he couldn't do much else than lay still in a bed the whole day. Around lunch he tried to get up and move to the living room, but it didn't go that well and he had to spend some time in the bathroom instead.
The day after wasn't that much better, or the next. He felt how it affected his mood. It was depressing to just lay in bed the entire day. Adam kept him company and Harvey stayed home one day with him too, but he mostly worked.
He had to stay home from work and raged at Harvey for a while about it. He knew that it wasn't Harvey's fault, he just couldn't help it. Harvey tried to hand him some files that he had brought for Mike to do at home, but he ripped them from the older man's hands and threw them on the floor. Not his best move because Harvey left without another word, slamming the door shut behind him.
Embarrassingly enough Mike burst into angry tears at the sight of the papers laying scattered across the floor. He just couldn't help it. For a while he cried and felt sorry for himself, but when he was done, he slowly and carefully picked up the files from the floor and organized them. When he was done, he put them next to him on the bed and turned around to face the wall. He wanted to go back to sleep now. He felt bad.
A couple of hours later Mike was in the same position as before when Harvey knocked on the door and then opened it and stepped inside when Mike didn't answer. He just couldn't help but jerk and press himself closer to the wall. He hated himself when tears appeared in his eyes. Harvey must be here to yell at him now, and he just didn't want that.
Mike let out a shaky breath when he heard how Harvey sat down behind him, still without saying anything. Mike didn't move. What was Harvey doing? Wasn't he going to tell him off about earlier? To his surprise Harvey laid down on the bed next to him, still without saying anything. It was weird, and Mike dared to look over at him. Harvey was just laying there, next to him with his phone in his hand.
A while they just laid there. Mike's brain was working hard trying to understand what Harvey was doing, but he couldn't figure it out. Eventually he turned around, so that he was laying on his side, facing Harvey. It felt nice that Harvey was here, spending time with him, even if they didn't speak. Mike felt comforted by it. Slowly he moved his head a bit closer to Harvey's arm, then he let his forehead lightly rest against the older man. Harvey still didn't move, and Mike was grateful. Maybe they could just stay like this for a bit. Maybe he would feel a bit better. He got tears in his eyes again at the thought it. Maybe he was just tired, and maybe he could sleep like this for a bit.
"I'm sorry about earlier." He whispered and held his breath.
"Yeah." Harvey said. Nothing else.
Mike closed his eyes and forced himself to breathe deeper. This was the best part of his day so far.
-SUITS-