Harvey looked down at Mike and smiled a little to himself. The younger man was asleep, with his head leaning against Harvey's arm. Mike was laying curled up with one arm pressed against his chest. Harvey wondered if he had been in pain earlier and if that was what had caused his outburst.
Mike had yelled at him and thrown stuff. Harvey had decided that he was going to leave him alone for a bit to cool off. He needed to calm down a bit himself, he certainly didn't appreciate being yelled at. He had seen traces of tears on Mike's face just now though. Something had been wrong with his young friend, but it seemed to be better now. He was satisfied with how he had handled the situation. Donna would have been proud too if she had seen this.
Mike had had a couple of bad days. He had mostly stayed in bed and had a hard time eating enough. That was a constant battle with the kid. They didn't speak that much about it, but Harvey knew that Mike thought that he was nagging. Mike needed to eat more though, sometimes Harvey had a hard time understanding how he could sustain himself on the amount of food he ate. The kid was practically skin and bone though, so maybe he didn't need that much food to function. Harvey intended to change that though.
Today he had forbidden Mike to come to work with him, but next week they would try again if the kid was up for it. Harvey hoped that he would be. He enjoyed having Mike there. He could pretend that things were like before, like in the beginning, when he didn't worry constantly about Mike. If he had eaten enough, slept enough, wasn't in pain, the list was endless.
He thought back on sleepless nights at the hospital when they hadn't known if Mike was going to make it or not. The horrible feeling inside him at the thought of losing this person that he had grown so close to. He thought about Mike screaming in pain and fright, about him throwing up blood. He often had nightmares about it. Sometimes he would dream about different outcomes after those sleepless nights. He dreamt about himself returning to the condo alone, without Mike. Often, he woke up in terror, sweaty and with his heart pumping. On those occasion he always had to get up and walk over to Mike's room, just to check that everything was okay. He had one of those dreams last night. When Mike had yelled at him earlier, he thought of that dream. It made him smile now. Mike was still here, able to throw files on the floor, and he would be for a long time. Harvey believed that now.
Mike moaned a little next to him and moved a little.
"It's okay, kid." Harvey said quietly and Mike stilled again.
The next morning Mike was doing better. He spent the day at the couch reading or listening to something, while Harvey worked from home. When he was done for the day, he followed Mike outside for a short walk after the younger man suggested it. It was nice to see that Mike didn't need to stop to rest that time, like he had been forced to at times before. He was getting better. Maybe they should take more walks from now on, to build up Mike's strength. He would have to ask the kid's doctor about that.
After an eventless weekend they went to the office together on Monday and then again on Wednesday. Mike went to therapy and to the hospital for treatment. Both times he went alone, even though Harvey offered to come with him. Mike insisted that it was fine, and Harvey had decided to trust him on that. He did make sure that he was at home when Mike returned from the treatment session though. He wasn't going to miss that; he never knew how much Mike would need his help after those.
"You know, I think I can start working for one more day soon." Mike suggested one night.
Harvey glared at him. "Really? You think?"
"Yeah. I can do it."
"Need I remind you that you took a three-hour nap yesterday? In the middle of the day."
Mike rolled his eyes. "I said soon."
"Yes, it was a nice try, but I don't think so." Harvey ended the discussion by raising the volume on the movie they were watching and ignored Mike's sulking and claims that it benefitted him too. No way was he going to let the kid come to work for three days a week already. Mike still only worked half days, and Harvey wasn't about to change that any time soon.
Two nights later Harvey was in the process of changing into clothes to sleep in when Mike walked into his bedroom, without knocking.
"Hi." He said, yawned and sat down on Harvey's bed.
"Hi yourself." Harvey said as he loosened his tie and pulled it off his neck.
The younger man didn't say anything else, just made himself more comfortable on Harvey's bed.
"Did you want something?"
"Nope."
"Okay." He started to unbutton his shirt. By the time he had changed into a t-shirt Mike had laid down on his bed and was watching him.
"Are you okay?" Harvey asked now.
"Yeah." Mike said.
"Okay, then." He shrugged a little and continued getting ready for bed. He changed pants, went to the bathroom, and brushed his teeth and washed his face. When he returned to his bedroom Mike was still laying on his bed.
Harvey raised his eyebrows and then laid down on the other side of the bed. For a moment they laid there next to each other in silence, but then Harvey raised himself up on his elbow to be able to look at the kid. Mike seemed to pretend that he wasn't there, and that this was perfectly normal.
"Hey." Harvey lightly punched his shoulder. "Is something wrong? Can you just talk to me?"
Mike shrugged, but still wouldn't look at him. His fingers were tapping over and over against the mattress.
"Mike?"
He still didn't answer, and Harvey felt a little at a loss of what to do next. Clearly something was up, but Mike wouldn't tell him what it was. He laid down again, maybe if he waited a bit Mike would tell him. He was right, because it only took two minutes before Mike spoke.
"Do you want me to go?" He asked.
"Well, I was going to sleep." Harvey said carefully.
"Yeah, I know." Mike swallowed so that Harvey could hear it. "I know. I just didn't feel like being alone. That's all."
Mike turned his head away, but Harvey could still see that he dragged a hand across his face.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled.
"Well, you're not alone. Are you?"
Mike shook his head. "Can I stay then?" He whispered.
"Of course, you can."
"Thanks. I'll leave soon, I promise."
"You don't have to Mike. You can stay as long as you want."
"Thank you. You can sleep if you want. I'll be quiet."
"You're not in pain or anything? Nothing else is wrong?"
"No, just my brain."
Harvey rolled his eyes at that. "There is nothing wrong with your brain Mike."
The conversation stopped there though because the kid wouldn't answer him. Harvey laid on his back, staring up into the ceiling. Next to him Mike was doing the same. After a while he heard how Mike's breathes were getting deeper and when he looked over towards him, Mike's eyes were closed. Harvey smiled to himself; it didn't look like he was leaving any time soon. He carefully got out of bed and got a blanket that he spread over Mike. Then he laid down again. Apparently, they were sharing a bed tonight. If he was honest, he didn't mind doing that. Maybe he should, it wasn't something two adult men did, but Mike still needed him though, and Harvey had promised the kid to be there.
Mike was getting better, but some things hadn't changed. Sometimes Mike still got scared at night and couldn't cope with being alone. What was great now was that Mike came and told him that. That saved them both some trouble. Tonight, he hadn't said much, but he didn't need to, Harvey understood.
It was easy too, to meet the needs Mike had now. All Harvey needed to do was to be there next to him, and Mike was satisfied. That wasn't hard. All he had done tonight was to allow Mike to stay. And he wouldn't deny him, not as long as the kid still lived under his roof.
-SUITS-
The next morning Mike woke up before Harvey. As soon as he opened his eyes, he knew that he had slept the entire night in Harvey's bed. That hadn't been his intention at all, and now he felt a bit embarrassed. But then he thought that what did it matter? Harvey didn't seem to mind. He must have gotten up at some point because he hadn't had a blanket when he fell asleep. He carefully started to sit up, he should go and take a shower. It had been one or two days longer than that was socially accepted. Not that that ever had been an issue. At times he had gone up to a week without a shower, but that had been when he had been to sick to stand up by himself. He could stand up now, and three or four days without a shower now was just laziness. And also, maybe a bit gross.
He clumsily got on to his feet, almost falling when his foot got caught in the blanket. For a moment he was sure that Harvey would wake up, but he didn't.
After the shower he found himself in just a towel around his waist in front of the mirror. He had decided to look. He had made it into a habit to avoid his own reflection, as with much other cancer related issues, he preferred not knowing how bad it was. But he figured that it was time now to be a little more involved with everything. He couldn't dump it all on Harvey anymore. His looks wasn't much to do about but the other stuff.
When he looked at himself in the mirror, he couldn't help but feel disappointed. He still looked awful. His skin tone was too pale, he still had dark rings under his eyes, and his lips looked a bit chapped. His bald head and lack of eyebrows didn't help. And then there was the ugly scar that ran along his chest, a little uneven, but nicely healed. It still stood out a lot since he was so pale. If he held his breath, he thought that he could actually count all of his ribs. He could understand why Harvey went on and on about him not eating enough. Another thing he noticed was that he had a lot of bruises here and there. One across one of his collarbones, a few on his arms but some of those were from blood tests. He also had quite a few on his legs and even a bruise on top of his foot. He had no idea how he had gotten any of them.
Looking at himself he couldn't help but feel a bit depressed, and a little disgusted with himself. How could Harvey stand looking at him? He couldn't stand it himself. He bit his lip hard to will away the sudden urge of bursting into tears.
He had had the same urge last night when he had gone to Harvey's bedroom. Being in the presence of the other man had helped though. Now he turned around and started to get dressed. He silently cursed his memory that had edged the image of himself into his brain forever now.
Harvey was in the kitchen making breakfast when he left the bathroom.
"Good morning. You are up early. Meds?"
Harvey pushed the cup of pills towards him without stopping to look at him. Mike sighed and sat down and pulled a glass of juice towards him, and then started swallowing the content of the cup.
"You okay?"
Harvey asked. Mike smiled at him and nodded. Harvey was always so nice to him.
"Lost your voice?"
"No."
Okay, he was a bit annoying at time too. Today he was staying at home. He wasn't sure if Harvey would be here or not. Maybe Adam would come today. He hadn't been around as much as before. Mostly because they didn't need him to be. When Mike came with Harvey to work, they didn't need him, and Harvey could work from home a few days a week. But Mike wouldn't mind seeing the nurse today. However, it was Louis who showed up at the door an hour later to Mike's surprise. He gave Mike a hug and then let himself inside the condo.
"Didn't I tell you Louis was coming over today?" Harvey said as he saw Mike's surprised face. "Well, he is." He smirked and patted Mike's arm before disappearing out the door. Mike looked after him when he left, feeling stupid when he wanted Harvey to come back again.
"So. What do you want to do today?" Louis asked him when Mike turned towards him.
Mike shrugged. "I don't know."
"Want to play some cards?" Louis asked.
"Ehm… you know. I'm not really feeling up for it. I think I'm just going to go and lay down." Mike said without looking at the older man. He was probably disappointing him now.
"Oh, okay. You do that. Would you like some company?"
"Eh no, I'm fine. Thanks Louis."
"Alright. I'll be out here then. Call if you need anything." Lousi called after him as Mike went over to his room. He didn't know why he was feeling down today. He laid down on his side with his back against the door. He hadn't closed the door and could hear Louis walking around in the living room. Maybe he should call him over. Louis could be funny at times, and they had had a nice time before. It was just that he felt sad, and that was always a bit unpredictable. Sometimes he couldn't control himself then. He would feel even worse if Louis saw him crying.
Mike just laid there, staring into the wall trying to fall asleep and not to think about anything. Neither thing worked and he felt miserable. At lunch Louis came knocking on the door and Mike followed him to the kitchen.
"So, bad day today?" Louis carefully asked him as they were sitting opposite of one another.
"Yeah. I guess." Mike answered. "I don't even know why."
"Hm… I'm sorry."
"No, it's fine. Thanks for making lunch."
"Yeah, do you like it?"
"Sure."
Mike made an effort to eat everything on his plate. After that he went back to bed again. This time he managed to sleep a couple of hours. When he woke up, he had a headache and stayed in bed for the rest of the day. The pills he got from Louis didn't help. Harvey showed up late that night and Mike couldn't help but feeling angry about that, even though it wasn't reasonable for him to be so. He slept badly that night and had nightmares.
Harvey didn't want to bring him to the office the next day, and they argued about it.
"Louis said that you stayed in bed the entire day yesterday. You are clearly not well enough."
"Yes, I am! I rested the whole day!"
"No, Louis said that you were having a bad day. Mike, we have talked about this. You are only allowed to come to the office if you are a hundred percent."
"I'm never a hundred percent, Harvey! I'm telling you I'm fine."
"And I'm saying no. You are staying at home."
Even though he didn't want to Mike couldn't help but yelling back at Harvey, that he wasn't being fair, that he was fine, that he could work. Harvey yelled a little as well. Mike decided to remove himself from the conversation then, and he knew he wasn't going to win anyway, and also, yelling didn't improve his situation in any way. He quickly stood up from the chair at the kitchen island, a little too fast actually, because his foot got caught on the leg of the chair and he stumbled forward right into the counter. Harvey was already standing and made an attempt to stop him from falling by grabbing onto his arm. He was a little too late though because Mike managed to jam his side into the counter.
"Damn it, Mike!" Harvey said and pulled him up to standing. "Did you hurt yourself?"
"No!" Mike ripped his arm out of Harvey's grip and pressed his teeth together as to not groan out loud in pain. It had hurt like hell. He tried to make his face neutral though not wanting Harvey to know it. They stood opposite each other, and Harvey was looking intensely at him.
"Alright." He said after a moment.
"Alright what?"
"Alright, you can come. Go get dressed."
Mike stared at him. "What?"
"Get dressed." Harvey turned around and walked away from him. Mike stared after him, not understanding what had just happened, but then he went to get dressed. His side was still hurting and when he looked at it in the mirror, he saw that a bruise already was starting to show. He carefully pressed a little, and it hurt, but not that much.
The car ride was tense, and Harvey wouldn't talk to him. Mike didn't dare to say anything either. He felt like a schoolboy in trouble, and still didn't understand why Harvey all of a sudden had agreed for him to come. He was just going to go with it though. He felt fine enough to work.
The day went fine, the only thing was that Harvey was acting reserved against him. Mike didn't blame him though, and even felt a little embarrassed about his behavior this morning. He did all what Harvey said and left with Donna without a word of protest.
Donna wanted to know what had happened between them, and Mike had no idea how she knew that something had. He told her about it though.
"I don't know why he changed his mind. I was being pretty obnoxious I guess."
"Maybe that was the reason."
Mike sighed and leaned back against the couch. "I guess I need to apologize."
"Might be a start."
"It's just that he treats me like I'm falling apart, when I'm actually feeling fine, you know."
"You know he worries about you."
"Yes, but he doesn't have to!"
"Mike, I suggest that you let it go."
"Yes, I will. It's just that I am doing better and…"
"What did I just say?"
"Oh, with you too?"
They smiled at each other, and Donna sat down next to him. When Harvey got home later that night Mike did apologize. It got a bit awkward, and Harvey didn't say much. The next day Harvey stayed at home with him, but they spent the day in different rooms, Harvey working at the desk in Mike's room, and Mike on the couch watching TV and reading. He also took a few naps and went to therapy in the afternoon.
The next day Harvey let him come to the office without saying anything about it. He didn't ask how Mike was doing before they left, like he had done every other time. Mike figured that he probably should be happy about that. Wasn't that what he had wanted? That Harvey wouldn't question him so much. But it still didn't feel alright between them, not entirely. He decided to not bring it up though.
Harvey had given him a few files to go through and he was sitting on the couch doing them. He felt a little tired, and he couldn't stop thinking about the therapy session he had been to yesterday. One of the older men that Mike had a strong connection to hadn't shown up, and he couldn't help but feel worried. Tobias had fought against his cancer for almost four years now, and lately he had been looking a bit worse.
He glanced at Harvey who was staring down at his computer with a wrinkle between his eyes. Would he notice if Mike snuck out for a break? He couldn't concentrate much anyways. He mumbled that he was going to go to the bathroom and slipped out the door.
"Where are you going, Mister?" Donna asked him.
"Bathroom."
Mike smiled sweetly at her and then headed over there just in case she was watching him. As he pushed the door opened, he noticed a weird bruise on his hand. He had no idea where that had come from. Where were these bruises coming from? After briefly checking if the bathroom was empty, he lifted his shirt to study his chest and stomach.
"Shit!" He swore when he saw it. The area he had jammed into the counter two days ago looked horribly now. He had never seen a bruise look like that. It didn't look normal, and he got a bit concerned. Maybe this was something new that needed to be checked out. He needed to take it up with Harvey. Maybe it wasn't a big deal, but he had gotten a lot of unexplainable bruises lately. And what if it actually was something and he neglected to tell Harvey about it? The older man would be pissed then, so it was better to just mention it now. He could see what Harvey thought about it.
He smiled at Donna on his way back and walked into Harvey's office and sat down in the chair in front of him.
"Look Harvey. I've got to talk to you."
Harvey sighed and looked up at him. He appeared a bit annoyed.
"Is it work related?" He asked.
"Eh...no. I've gotten these weird bruises lately and I…"
Harvey interrupted him.
"Is it life threatening? Urgent?"
"Eh… no."
"Well, maybe we could discuss it at home then. I'm actually here to work, and I need to do that right now, Mike."
Mike blinked at him and closed his mouth. That hurt.
"Fine. Okay." He said and stiffly got up from the chair and went over to the couch. He picked up the file he had been reading earlier and stared at it. Harvey had just dismissed him. He felt stupid now, for just barging in expecting Harvey to drop everything else for him. He would have done that before. But maybe this was what he was getting now, after the time he yelled about being fine.
He got so confused sometimes. It wasn't easy dealing with everything. Often, he didn't know what to do. He had known before. Before the cancer, his emotions hadn't been like this, and everything had been so much easier then. Before when he fought with Harvey, he got over it fast, often because he considered himself to be right. He was never sure now. He didn't know if he should have argued that morning. What he did know now was that he felt upset. He wished that Harvey would speak to him again, now it just felt tense between them, and he sort of wanted to go home. He couldn't say anything though, he had to wait.
He stared down at the file in front of him. He had read the same paragraph at least three times now, but it didn't seem to stick. His eyes felt a bit dry. He looked at the bruise he had on his hand and tried to remember the time when he had gotten it. He came up empty. He read the paragraph once more.
He swallowed hard. It didn't work. He couldn't work today. Nothing was getting inside his brain. He was just thinking about a lot of other things. Mostly about what Harvey had just told him. Harvey had asked if it was urgent or not. He had never done that before. What did it mean? Was it something he had done? Or was it about that fight they had had? He thought that Harvey was over it though because he hadn't mentioned it after.
He glanced over at Harvey again. He wanted to tell him that he couldn't concentrate, but he didn't say anything. Harvey didn't look at him, he just stared down at his screen. Maybe he was stressed about something that Mike didn't know about. Maybe Donna knew. He should go and asked her.
As he stood up and started to head out the door, Harvey looked up.
"Where are you going now?" He asked. Did he sound annoyed? Mike had a hard time telling.
"I was just… I'm going to talk to Donna."
"Alright." Harvey said and turned back to his work. For a moment Mike stood there, unsure if he could leave or not, but Harvey didn't say anything else, so he did.
"Hi sweetie." Donna said as he came up to her desk.
"Hi Donna. Do you want to go for a coffee?" Mike asked.
She smiled at him and stood up without another word. Mike hurried after her, feeling relieved.
They sat down on a bench outside, Donna with a coffee and Mike with a cup of hot chocolate.
"So, how are you doing? How is work going" Donna asked.
Mike shrugged. "I don't know… Okay, I guess. It's just that I have a hard time concentrate, you know. I keep thinking that just because I'm back here, it's going to be like before, but it's just not."
Donna nodded and waited for him to continue.
"Sometimes I think there is something wrong with my brain. Like just now, I tried to get through this page, but I just read the same sentences over and over and it just didn't stick. I don't remember it!"
"Mike… you are still…"
"Yes, I know I'm still sick and all, but I don't have brain cancer, or anything. I should remember, but I can't. And I'm just afraid that I'll never get back to what I was. And what will that mean? What will I have left? I'm…I'm a fraud, Donna. What if I can't keep up? Harvey will have to fire me."
"Harvey will never fire you; you know that."
"But if I can't do the work anymore, maybe he should. I'm always going to be a liability to him."
"Oh, don't talk like that. You know that you must give yourself time with this. You can't just bounce back and expect everything to be as it was before. You should know that with that brain of yours."
She lightly tapped on his head.
"Have you talked to Harvey about this?" She then asked.
Mike shrugged once more. "Maybe a little."
"Mike, you are doing great. It's wonderful to have you back at the office. We have really missed you. No one expects you to preform anything, you do as much as you can."
"Great." Mike muttered. "No expectations. What am I even doing here then?"
"You know what I mean." She said in a stern voice, so Mike had to nod. And he did know, it was just that it still didn't feel that good. He wanted Harvey to be able to trust him with work, not for Harvey to be annoyed with him, which it felt like he was now.
"Do you think I bother him when I'm here?" He quietly asked Donna. He wasn't sure if he wanted an answer though.
"No, of course not." Donna said. "You don't bother him. He wants you here."
Mike didn't say anything else. They small talked a bit more, and then went inside again. Mike managed to concentrate a little better now. Maybe it was the sugar from the hot chocolate.
"I guess it's time to head home." Harvey suddenly said and started to pack his laptop.
In the car on their way home, Mike pretended to be asleep. He didn't even know why he did it. He just felt a bit embarrassed around Harvey, for some reason. There was some sort of tension between them, that he didn't know what to do about. It felt like it was his fault, but he didn't know what he had done. He decided to not mention anything about it though, because it would be so awkward if Harvey just dismissed him. He had a feeling that it was what Harvey would do. Mike couldn't understand why this happened now and again, that he felt like this. Harvey and him had been through so much, so he shouldn't feel awkward about bringing up stuff. Harvey had seen him at his worst, and he had never held any of it against him. Why would he now?
He was better now though, and he must act accordingly. It was just hard to navigate around that sometimes. What was it to act better? Today he had failed, that was for sure. He just wasn't sure how. The conversation he had had with Donna had calmed him a little. She was right. He wasn't totally fine yet. He still went to the hospital regularly and had treatment and went to therapy.
"Should I make dinner?" He quietly asked Harvey as they stepped into the condo.
"Sure, kid." Harvey said and disappeared into his room to change. He didn't show up again until Mike had dinner on the table.
"Looks good." He said and sat down opposite of Mike.
"Thanks."
They ate in silence.
Harvey looked up and when they locked eyes he smiled towards Mike. Mike smiled back and felt a sudden urge to cry rush up inside him. What was with him? He stared down into his plate again.
While Mike washed up after dinner Harvey sat down on the couch and put on the TV. Apparently, he wasn't going to work tonight. Mike sat down on the chair in front of him. They watched together in silence for a while.
"What was it that you wanted to talk to me about? Earlier at the office." Harvey suddenly said, without tearing his eyes off the screen.
"Nothing. It's not important." Mike answered.
"Clearly it was then. Tell me now."
Mike hesitated. He didn't feel like telling Harvey now, because it really felt like nothing. Just bruises. He hadn't even thought of them anymore after that. But then he got an image of himself in the bathroom mirror.
"You said something about bruises." Harvey said then when he didn't answer. Apparently, he had been listening and now he reached for the remote and muted the TV.
"Well, yeah."
"And?"
Mike shrugged. "It's just that lately I've been noticing that I've gotten a lot of them. I don't even now from where."
"Okay?"
"Well…" Mike hesitated and then he lifted his shirt to show Harvey his side.
"Shit Mike!" Harvey exclaimed. "What the hell?" He stood up from the couch and walked over to him.
"Stand up."
"It's not that bad…"
But Harvey took a hold of his arm and dragged him up to standing. "Let me see again."
Reluctantly Mike lifted his shirt again and stood there as Harvey inspected his side.
"Not that bad! This looks like someone beat the shit out of you."
"Yeah. Thanks."
"I'm serious. How did you get this?"
"I think it was when I fell into the counter."
Harvey shook his head. "I knew you hurt yourself then." He looked a little angry now. "You need to get this looked at."
"No, I'm sure it's just some side effects from something. It's no big deal."
"Mike."
"Look, I have them everywhere." He rolled up his sleeve and showed his arms. "Look, this is from when you tried to stop my fall. It's…"
Harvey stared at the handprint clearly visible along his arm. He just stood there without moving with his eyes locked at Mike's arm. Mike hastily rolled the sleeve back down.
"I'm sorry, Mike." Harvey said. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that I…"
"You didn't hurt me! That's what I'm saying, it's just some side effect. It doesn't hurt. It's just weird."
"Well, this is something that you come to me about. You fell days ago now!"
Now Mike got a little annoyed. "I did come to you, but you blew me off."
"And you said it was nothing! This is not nothing!"
"No! You asked me if it was life threatening."
They stood there and stared at each other for a moment. Then it was almost like Harvey inflated a bit as he sank down on the couch.
"You are right. I did blow you off." He said.
"Well… It wasn't life threating or urgent. And I kind of interrupted you."
"Which I have told you to do. I've told you to tell me everything."
Mike waited. Harvey sighed. The older man was sitting there staring at nothing and it felt a little uncomfortable.
"Are we good?" Mike felt that he had to ask.
"What are you talking about? Of course, we are." Harvey said and finally looked at him.
"It's just that it has felt a bit weird since we had that fight."
"When you fell straight into the counter?"
"Yes, when I stumbled a little and the counter was in the way."
Harvey smiled.
"Why did you agree to let me go to work after that?" Mike wanted to know.
Harvey shrugged.
"I was just trying to let you be more independent, I guess. You are capable of making your own decisions now. "
"I appreciate that, you know."
"Yeah, I thought you would. But maybe we shouldn't have a fight over it every time though."
"I'm pretty sure you were the one that wanted to have a fight."
"Are you looking to have another one?"
Mike smirked. "Not right now, maybe later."
"Idiot." Harvey muttered. "But if you don't come with me to the hospital tomorrow there will be one."
Mike rolled his eyes. "Fine, but don't blame me when they say that it's nothing."
"And don't complain to me when you have five broken ribs."
"They are not broken!"
"Does it hurt though?" Harvey wanted to know.
"No, not really."
"It looks terrible."
"Yes, you have made that clear."
Harvey shook his head at him now. "I'll get us an appointment for tomorrow then." He decided. "Get to bed before you get another one of those." He pointed at Mike's chest.
Mike smiled and walked over to the bathroom. It had been a weird day, but things felt better again now. And Harvey had said that he would go with him to the hospital tomorrow. That felt nice. Not that he looked forward to going to spend a few hours at the hospital, but Harvey would be there too.
-SUITS-
That night Harvey had a hard time falling asleep and spent hours on his phone googling information about cancer and bruises. He found a lot, but much of it he could rule out, it didn't suit Mike's case. He knew he shouldn't be doing this because it didn't lessen his worry. It was just that Mike's chest had looked so awful. The only thing that calmed him a bit was that Mike said it didn't hurt, and a lot of the bad stuff online was related to bruises that were painful.
He had felt like shit when Mike had shown him the bruise that he had left on Mike's arm. He had actually felt how his eyes had burned, like he was about to start crying or something, at the sight of the mark his hand had left. Mike hadn't noticed a thing though and they had joked with each other a while later.
Now though, he couldn't get it out of his head. He almost felt an urge to get out of bed and check on the kid. What if something had happened, that the was related to the bruising? Or what if Mike was upset about something?
He had noticed that Mike had struggled at work today, but he hadn't said anything about it. He thought that it was what Mike wanted. He clearly had wanted Harvey to treat him like he was better, like normal. Or maybe like before. He had a hard time with that.
They had to take one thing at the time though. Maybe he should sit down with the kid and talk about how they were handling the work situation, but that would have to wait. First, they needed to figure out what was up with the kid now. It was always something. Sometimes it was hard to keep up.
Harvey woke Mike early the next morning. As soon as he had woken up, he had called the hospital and they had agreed to see Mike right away. Harvey tried to not put any meaning behind that, it didn't necessarily mean it was serious.
Mike was grumpy about having to get up early and complained all the way to the hospital.
"I didn't even have breakfast. You know some people say that's the most important meal of the day, right?"
"Right. Shut up now." Harvey told him and earned himself a glare.
Harvey got to follow along into the exam room and Mike was asked questions about the bruises initially. When had they first occurred? Did he know how he got them? Were they painful?
After that the doctor wanted to examine them, and Mike showed her. The bruises on Mike's abdomen and side looked just as awful as yesterday. Mike looked uncomfortable and had become quiet. He stared down at the floor as if he tried to pretend that he wasn't sitting on an exam table in a hospital exposing his bony upper body to the room. Harvey felt sorry for him but didn't say anything. He didn't want to make the kid more uncomfortable.
Eventually the examination was done, and the doctor sat down on a chair in front of them. Mike had been allowed to cover himself up again.
"First of all, bruising like this may sometimes occur in cases like yours Mike. There might be many different reasons. But I would like to rule a few of them out."
"Okay." Harvey said.
"We want to perform an X-ray at this point to rule out internal bleeding."
"What? He might be bleeding internally? Shouldn't he have symptoms of that then?"
"Yes, often you will show symptoms such as dizziness, weakness or nausea. And you said that you haven't experienced any of that Mike, but I want to make sure we rule it out."
"Yeah, of course." Harvey said when Mike was quiet.
"Most likely this is due to your medication. But for now, I would like to start with the X-ray. Is that okay with you Mike?"
Mike just nodded without meeting her eyes, and Harvey felt a flare of worry rise in him.
They got to sit down in a waiting room for a while after that, to wait while the doctor arranged for the X-ray session. Mike just sat there, sunken in on himself, staring at the floor.
"How are you feeling?" Harvey asked him.
Mike just shrugged and they sat in silence for a bit. Harvey watched a family in the other end of the room for a while, they had twins dressed in the same type of clothes that wouldn't stop fighting over some toy. He wished the parents would intervene; the kids' loud voices filled up the entire room. He looked back at Mike, who hadn't moved.
"What are you thinking about?" He nudged Mike's leg a bit with his own.
Mike shrugged a bit again. "That I want to go home." He said quietly. "I just want to leave."
He didn't move though, and Harvey patted his shoulder.
"You will, soon." He said and hoped that he was right.
Soon hadn't been the right word to use. They got called quickly and the procedure didn't take long, but they had to wait for ages for the results. Normally they could leave after and the result came within a few days, but this was a priority so they would have to wait this time. Apparently, the physician that would look at the image were busy or something though. That was what they said when Harvey asked. Harvey didn't like it at all, and Mike remained subdued and looked sad. At least until Harvey remembered that they hadn't had time to have breakfast and went to a cafeteria to buy some sandwiches that he forced in the kid.
"I'm sorry for starving you. Missing the most important meal of the day and all." He joked, and Mike smiled a little at least.
Eventually they were told that no internal bleeding had been detected and that most likely the bruising was a result of the recent changes in Mike's medication. They talked about blood thinner medications and other stuff like that. Harvey didn't listen that much for a change; he was just relieved that Mike hadn't been bleeding inside of him for days without them noticing. What he did hear was that they would look into the medication again and maybe make some adjustments. They would let them know at a later date when they had gotten some test results back.
They got to leave after that, and Mike fell asleep in the car on their way home. Harvey decided that he would take the day off today. He shook Mike awake when they arrived home and helped him out of the car.
"So, talk to me. Tell me what's going on with you." Harvey said when they both were seated in the living room. "Something is up, I can see that."
Mike leaned back on the couch and looked up into the ceiling.
"Nothing is going on." He said. "It's just that it would be nice with a break. I just want to be done with this now." He shrugged again.
Harvey nodded. He didn't really know what to say to that. He was pretty sure that they still had some time left until Mike could get a break from hospital visits and everything that came along with his cancer. He still had treatment, the trial drug and everything in between.
Mike shifted a bit on the couch and pulled at his t-shirt a bit. His breathing had sped up a bit. He sat up straighter and rubbed his face hard.
"Hey, what's going on?" Harvey asked.
Mike ignored him and leaned forward while he pressed both hands against his chest. Something was wrong with him, and Harvey stood up and sat down next to him. He laid a hand on Mike's back and felt how he was trembling.
"I asked you what's going on." Harvey said with a stern voice. He didn't like the way Mike had started to pant.
"I don't know what's going on. I don't know. I don't know." Mike got out. He sat up straighter and shook Harvey's hand off him. Again, he pulled at his clothes over his chest, as if they were limiting his breathing.
"Calm down Mike. Nothing is going on. You are fine."
"No, I'm not. I'm not fine. I'm never fine. I'm never getting better. I'll always be like this!" He gestured towards his side.
"No, you won't, and you know that. Just a few months ago you couldn't get out of bed by yourself. You have made huge improvements Mike."
Mike glared at him and let out a few deeper breathes. Harvey could see that he tried to calm himself. That was a good thing, a panic attack could end badly, it had before.
"But I'm not…I'm not well now."
"That's because you are freaking yourself out right now."
"No, I'm not!"
"Yes, you are. You need to calm down."
"Shut up! You calm down!"
"I am calm."
"Whatever!"
Harvey sighed and straightened up from his position next to Mike. "You are fine now." He decided and went over to the fridge and took out a bottle of water.
Mike's hands were shaking when Harvey handed it to him.
"Look kid. You said it yourself, the bruises were nothing. Just side effects. You were actually right."
"But we still had to go to the hospital. It could have been internal bleeding and then…"
"It wasn't any internal bleeding. It was just bruises. They will go away."
"Do I bother you at work?" Mike asked then, catching Harvey off guard.
"What? No. You're not."
"Do you want me there then?"
"Yes, Mike. I do. Where is this coming from?"
Mike shrugged and took a sip of water.
"I have a hard time concentrating, you know, at work." He said then. "It's not like it was before."
Harvey sighed a bit. "Honestly Mike, I don't even remember what it was like before."
"Well, I didn't suck!"
"You don't suck now either. Stop talking shit. You have cancer for god's sakes. Do you think I have forgotten about that? Mike, it's a miracle that you are still here. I don't care if you do well at work or not. You do your best, and that's enough for me. I know that you have a lot to deal with, and work is pretty low on your list. At least it should be."
Mike looked at him for some time. He nodded a little after a moment and leaned back on the couch.
"I guess so." He whispered.
"Yeah." Harvey said. "Don't worry." He then took the bottle of water from Mike's hands and put it on the table. He leaned back himself and looked out the window.
When he looked at Mike again his head had fallen to the side and his eyes were closed. He had fallen asleep. Just like that.
"Okay." Harvey mumbled. "Nice talk." He stood up and grabbed a blanket that he draped over Mike. He didn't like that Mike was struggling like this. If work was adding to Mike's stress maybe he shouldn't be working. Had he let the kid come back to early?
He looked down on Mike. Today had been another hard day for his associate. It had been too much for him and he had freaked out a little. But Harvey hoped that he had been able to convince Mike that he had nothing to worry about. Not when it came to work at least. He thought that he didn't put any pressure on Mike there, but still the man had asked if he wanted him there. He didn't understand where that was coming from. Maybe he had been a bit short with him recently, but it hadn't been intentional. He would have to be more aware though, how he acted at the office.
He could understand Mike's outburst just now. He could understand that Mike didn't feel like he was getting better. It was exhausting to constantly be alert of new problems with his health or state of mind. He wouldn't mind if this would be over soon, that Mike could just get better already. There was one thing that was different from before the cancer, and that was Mike's self-esteem, they had a bit to work on there. Now, Harvey sat down next to the kid again. Maybe he too should take a nap, even though it was only early afternoon.
When he woke up again Mike was sitting next to him, watching him. Harvey jerked back a bit and blinked. Mike looked worried.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Yeah, why?" Harvey sat up straighter and rubbed his eyes a bit.
"You are napping."
"So what? So were you."
Mike chuckled. "Yeah, true."
"Are you alright then Mike?"
"Yeah, I'm good. Sorry about before. I think I was freaking out a bit."
"Don't worry about it."
"I'll try."
"You know that you are getting better, right?" Harvey wanted to know.
Mike shrugged. "I guess. It's just that it doesn't feel like it when we hang out at the hospital all the time."
Harvey nodded. "You know what your doctor told me recently?"
"No. They tell you a lot of things."
"He pointed out that the reasons we hang out at the hospital as you put it, isn't for heart problems anymore, it's related to effects of your treatment."
"Okay, and is that supposed to be a good thing?"
"Yes, I think that was his point. Your problems aren't life threatening anymore. I would say that's a good thing."
"You mean it could be worse."
"Yes."
"See things from the bright side, huh? At least my heart is beating."
"It's not funny." Harvey said and looked over towards the kitchen. He remembered the time when he had performed CPR there. How Mike's body had jerked with every downward push he had made.
Mike tapped his shoulder. "Sorry." He whispered.
Harvey shook his head a bit. He wanted to get rid of that image.
"I am grateful for being alive, I am." Mike said. "I'm just struggling with shit sometimes, but I know I'm doing so much better than before. And I know that one day I'll be cancer free."
"Damn right."
"Should we just watch a movie now then?" Mike asked and smiled. Harvey agreed to do that. Sometimes you didn't need to talk through everything, even though it felt like he should talk more about how Mike had reacted earlier, and about that he felt stressed at work. But maybe he should just let it go.
A couple of days later they were back in Harvey's office. Things were going good, and Mike hadn't mentioned anything about being stressed or feeling bad about his work and Harvey didn't bring it up. He tried to me more attentive to Mike though. It was pretty distracting though do get something done himself as well as making sure Mike was good. But he had failed the kid earlier and he wasn't going to do it again. He had turned Mike down when he came to him asking for help, that wasn't acceptable.
-SUITS-
Mike glanced at Harvey from where he was sitting by the table. Harvey looked like he was engrossed in something on his laptop, but Mike had noticed that he constantly looked up at him. He wasn't entirely sure as to why, but he guessed that Harvey had a bad conscious about earlier. They hadn't talked about any more about the bruises he had, except for Harvey swearing at him when he showed up one morning with a bruise on his cheek.
"What the hell did you do?" He had asked. Mike just shrugged; he had no idea where it had come from. It looked pretty awful though, almost like someone had punched him in the face.
"I walked into a door?" He said.
Harvey looked at him for a moment and then shook his head. "I should buy you a helmet." He had said and walked away. Mike smiled at that memory.
Donna had fussed over him over the bruise as well. She had also wanted to know what he had done and had offered to bring him something cold to put on it. He had spent probably ten minutes trying to convince her that he was fine and that it didn't hurt. Harvey had been no help at all.
They had been to the hospital and had had a meeting about his meds since then. Basically, they had told him not to worry about the bruises too much, so he didn't. The medication had once more been adjusted and he know took a couple of pills less each morning. That was great, it really meant that he was going in the right direction.
The cancer still scared him though. He hadn't told Harvey about how much he still thought about what could happen. What if his heart suddenly stopped again? What if the pills he no longer took was the reason as to why he was feeling better, and it had been some kind of mistake?
He had brought it up at therapy though, those worries. He had found himself opening up more and more during the sessions. It did help talking about it, and the people there all knew what he was going through. Some of them struggled with the same things as he did, and just the fact that they did help. He wasn't alone in having those thoughts of getting worse again, or something bad happening. The others told him similar stories.
The only thing he didn't like about therapy now a days were that one of the people in the group had gotten a lot worse. It was Tobias, who Mike texted with quite a lot. Lately though his text came far between, and the older man didn't write as much as he done earlier. It was a while since Mike had seen him too. At the meeting yesterday, Annika, the group leader had told them that Tobias had let her know that he was going to move to hospice soon. Tobias wasn't going to make it.
"Tobias wanted me to tell you that you aren't allowed to worry about him. He says he has had a long, joyful life and that it's his time to go." Annika had said.
Mike who still worried a lot had asked if she thought that Tobias would come to the meetings again. He wanted to see him again. She had answered that she didn't know, and after the meeting Mike had texted Tobias, but hadn't gotten a reply yet. He thought about the older man a lot now and would replay all their conversations in his mind. He hadn't told Harvey about this; he didn't even know why.
Without thinking about it he pressed a hand across his chest. His heart was still beating in there.
"What are you doing?"
Mike jerked at Harvey's question and removed his hand and straightened up.
"What? Nothing." He mumbled.
"Is something wrong?" Harvey asked him and Mike shook his head. Nothing was wrong, not really. He waited for Harvey to start pressing him about it, but to his surprise Harvey let it go.
A couple of more days passed until he got an answer from Tobias. He wrote that he had been tired lately and that looking at the phone gave him a headache. Then he asked Mike about his treatment and didn't mention the fact that he had moved into hospice. Mike thought about if for a while and then chose to not bring it up either. The older man knew that Mike knew about it.
That night Mike had a hard time falling asleep. He couldn't stop thinking about Tobias. His family would have to say goodbye to him soon. Mike knew that he had three grandkids that he adored, he had seen their pictures. Tobias was going to leave them without their grandfather, and they would lose a part of themselves. Mike knew exactly how that would feel. The part of him that had been filled with his grandmother's love was still not healed, and probably never would be. Harvey and Donna had filled the void pretty well, but it still hurt in him to think about her.
Harvey and Donna would be the ones who would be there for him if he died, they were his family now. Tobias would have his kids and grandkids there.
He could feel tears along his cheeks now but didn't bother to wipe them away. He wished that he could just fall asleep, not lay here, and think about death. Tobias had said that it was his time and that he had had a long, joyful life. Mike hadn't. The time up until his parents died had been great, but since then it hadn't been that joyful. Especially not lately. He didn't want to die like this. He wasn't done with life yet.
He wasn't going to die though, they had said that he was doing better, that the cancer was regressing. He still had it though, he wasn't fully cured. What if something would happen before he was? What if his heart stopped? What if he got another seizure from the trial drug? There were so many things that could go wrong still. He couldn't trust his body to not betray him again.
He fumbled around on his wrist and found the little button on his watch that lit the display. He swiped a few times until the heart monitor symbol showed. It was beating at a constant 75 beats per minute. He didn't know if that was bad or not, but probably okay. He stared at the little blinking heart until it lowered a couple of beats.
When he finally fell asleep, he was plagued by nightmares. He dreamt that he was at the office with Harvey, and during a client meeting his chest was starting to hurt. He collapsed onto the floor, and he knew that his heart was going to stop. Noone was helping him though, instead the meeting continued above him. He could hear Harvey and the client talking while his chest felt like it was going to explode. It hurt so much that he couldn't breathe or talk, he couldn't call for help, no matter how much he tried. He could feel his heart racing and he knew that he was going to die, alone there on the floor.
When he woke up, he knew that he must have been screaming, because Harvey was standing over him with a worried expression with a hand on his arm. Mike quickly sat up and brought both hands to his chest, he was panting, and it felt like he couldn't breathe still. He was fine though; his heart was still beating hard in his chest. He felt all confused and must have talked out loud because the next thing he knew Harvey shook him and asked what he meant.
"What's with you heart? What is it with you heart, Mike? Answer me!"
"It's…it's beating really fast. It was going to stop!"
"What?" Harvey sat down on the bed next to him. He was still holding on to his arm. "You need to take a couple of deep breaths. Calm yourself." He said.
"But…but…" Mike panted.
"Come on. You're hyperventilating. Deep breaths Mike."
Mike stared at him, and then realized that Harvey was right. He was breathing really fast. He grabbed onto the cover and tried to do what Harvey was saying.
"That's right, in and out. Follow me." Harvey encouraged. He moved his hand to Mike's back and started to slowly stroke it up and down.
"That's right. Do you feel better?" Harvey asked after a minute or two.
Mike nodded, but still had a hand pressed over his heart.
"Let's lay you down."
Harvey practically pushed him back down onto the bed and then pulled the cover over him. It was all tangled up and Harvey had to spend a moment getting it straight. "What have you done here?" He mumbled.
"So, you dreamt that your heart stopped?" Harvey asked quietly when he was done.
Mike nodded. "Yeah. During a client meeting. And you just kept it going, while I was laying there."
Suddenly he had tears in his eyes, and he tried to wipe them away before Harvey saw.
Harvey chuckled a little next to him. "Yeah, that's some dream." He said. "You know that will never happen though."
"It could. My heart could still stop."
"I'll take a break though, if it does."
"It's not funny!"
"No, I know. I'm sorry."
"You're not supposed to survive heart cancer, Harvey. What if I…"
"You are surviving Mike. You know that."
"Yes, but what if something happens? Sometimes it feels like it's beating too fast. It freaks me out." He had to wipe his eyes again and felt embarrassed that Harvey could clearly see it.
Harvey nodded. "Does it feel like that now?"
Mike took a few more breathes. "No." He then said. "Not right now, but earlier."
"Yeah, I noticed." Harvey said.
Mike turned his head away from him because his eyes just kept tearing up. He didn't say anything else. He thought about the dream. It could have been real. Something like that could still happen. It had happened before, not even that long ago.
"You're fine now." Harvey said quietly. "Don't worry, Mike."
"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to deal with this. You don't know what it feels like."
"Well, you did scare the hell out of me just now." Harvey said, he almost sounded a little amused.
Mike turned to lay on his side then so that he was facing the other man. He wiped his face with both hands and thought about Harvey's side of it. Apparently, he had been screaming, and had woken Harvey. Then he had been a bit out of it.
"Sorry." He mumbled.
"No, don't be. You're right, I don't know what it feels like." Harvey put a hand on his arm. Mike closed his eyes when he started to lightly stroke it. He fell back asleep while Harvey was still there.
The next morning, he felt a little embarrassed, remembering how he had acted. Harvey didn't say anything about it though when he stepped out into the kitchen where the older man was sitting.
"How are you feeling?" Was all he wanted to know, so Mike told him that he was better.
Harvey stayed home with him that day, and Mike felt grateful until he realized that it was Saturday. They spent the weekend like they usually did, by doing practically nothing.
On Sunday night they sat down together and looked through the plan for the next. They had started doing it every Sunday now. Harvey wanted him to be more involved, as he had said, when they started.
The week passed slowly, and Mike struggled at work. Harvey was being nice about it and kept telling him to take it easy.
"All you have to do is try your best." He said and Mike had rolled his eyes at him. Sometimes Harvey spoke to him like he was a ten-year-old.
On Tuesday Harvey brought him to therapy and said that he was going to wait outside for him. Harvey wanted them to go to dinner together after. The session was unusually heavy, since one of the participants had gotten bad news. Her cancer had spread to her stomach and her doctors was not optimistic. She talked about needing to start to plan for her own funeral. The group leader tried her best to bring up the mood in the group and carefully steered them into another subject.
"You all know the saying that hope is the last thing that dies within a person, and I would like to talk about what that can mean to us."
Mike knew that she wanted him to speak up, so he did. He spoke about his prognosis and then the trial he was taking part in. The woman who had gotten the bad news didn't appreciate it though.
"That's good for you!" She had said. "Not all of us are so privileged that we can afford to spend endless amounts of money on treatment. I have two kids that I need to think about."
Mike had just stared at her with an open mouth and the next minute she broke down crying. They took a break and two others from the group sat down with the woman on a couch as they all listened to her sobs. Mike stared down at the floor and wanted to leave. Was he privileged? He had never thought that he was, but maybe she was right. Money had never been an issue for him in this, but for this woman it was. Did she have to weigh her treatment options towards providing for her family?
A hand was lightly placed on his arm, and he jumped a little at his seat.
"Are you alright, Mike?" Annika, the group leader asked him.
He forced a smile and nodded. "Is there anything I can do?" He mentioned towards the couch. "I didn't mean anything…"
"She will be okay. And I know you didn't. You didn't do anything wrong. All our situations are different."
Mike nodded. "Thank you." He said. "I admire you for doing this, you know. It's hard."
She smiled and squeezed his shoulder. "I think we will end early today. Why don't you head home?"
Harvey was sitting in the hallway, looking incredibly bored when Mike came out of the room.
"Finally!" He exclaimed and got up from the wooden bench he had been sitting on. "Is it always this long?"
"We ended early." Mike muttered and walked past him.
"Alright. You good?" Harvey hurried his steps to catch up to him.
"Yeah. Are we leaving?"
"Sure. So, you still want to eat out?"
Mike agreed to that, and Harvey took him to a restaurant close by. He wasn't really hungry and browsed through the menu for such a long time that Harvey eventually ordered for him. Mike just let him.
"So, what's bothering you?" Harvey asked after a couple of minutes.
Mike shrugged.
"You are acting weird. You have this look, and when you do, I know that something is bothering you."
Mike sighed.
"You know, there was this woman in group today. She told us that she will most likely die. And there is this other man, Tobias. I told you about him, right?"
Harvey nodded. "The one you're texting."
"He's in hospice now."
"Oh."
"I just keep thinking about what I've been through, and how unfair everything is. I'm still here, but they… They might die. Or will die."
He paused because he felt like he was close to breaking down all of a sudden, and he didn't want to do that.
"I am sorry, Mike. You know, if you don't want to go to therapy, you don't have to."
"No, it's not that. I want to. But I keep thinking that I could have died. I should have died. Sometimes I don't even understand why I didn't."
Harvey sighed at his words, but Mike had no plans of taking anything back. He wanted to say these things. He needed to right now. That was all they went on about at the therapy sessions. That they should speak to their loved ones, let them know their feelings and thoughts, open up. It had come up today as well. So, now he was going to talk to Harvey about this.
"I'm getting a second chance, when I shouldn't have. I should have died."
"But Mike. You didn't die. You are here and you are getting better. I really don't like it when you talk like that."
"I know that. But it's something that I think about, and I happen to want to talk about it."
Harvey sighed again.
"I know it's hard for you." Mike said. "But you were just next to me, you didn't have to go through all of it."
"Just next to you, huh?" He could see how Harvey clenched his jaw. But just then the waiter showed up with their drinks, and they waited in silence until he left again.
"You know what I mean." Mike said.
"Yes, I do, Mike. I watched you go through it, and I wished that we could have traded places, but we couldn't, so I just had to watch."
They stared at each other and for a moment it was like time stood still around them. Then Mike had to look away.
"Sorry." He mumbled.
Harvey was breathing deeply. Mike didn't know if he was angry or if it was something else. He had almost sounded angry, but there had been something else in his eyes as well.
"You don't have to apologize." Harvey muttered now. "It's just that it was hard to watch you go through all of that Mike, when I couldn't do anything to help you."
"That's not how I see it, though. You were always there. You still are."
"And I will be."
Mike smiled now and saw that Harvey did the same.
"I know." He said. "Thanks."
Harvey nodded shortly. "Okay. You wanted to talk. Out with it then."
"You are weird, you know." Mike chuckled.
Harvey shook his head, but didn't say anything, and Mike knew that he was waiting for him to say whatever he wanted. He was quiet for a while, and so was Harvey. The older man slowly sipped from his drink and looked out of the window behind Mike.
"I just keep thinking about the fact that I was supposed to die. That I had a death sentence hanging over me for all that time. I think about it a whole lot now. I have a hard time getting it out of my head."
Harvey nodded when he had finished speaking.
"And is that a bad thing? Does it affect you in a negative way?"
"Ehm…I don't know. Maybe sometimes. It's not that uplifting."
"I know, kid. But you are still here, you are surviving. You can't let the past hold you back from your future."
Mike raised his eyebrows. "Deep."
"Idiot."
"Heh. I'm going to try. But you know, sometimes I think that the cancer and everything it has brought with it really has messed me up."
Harvey raised an eyebrow. "In what way?"
"In a bad way." Mike said quietly.
"Mike…" Harvey said.
"I'm supposed to be better now. I know I am better. But it's just…"
"Just what?"
"I don't know."
"Come on."
"It's not all the time, but sometimes…" Mike paused again, and Harvey looked over towards him now. Harvey looked like wanted to tell him to just get out with it, but maybe he sensed that it would be a bad idea, so he waited instead. Mike drew a deep breath and decided to just say it.
"Sometimes it's like my mind hasn't gotten the memo. Like I haven't understood that I'm supposed to be better now. I feel the same."
"The same?"
"You know, bad…scared, sad. I don't know why. And it just stresses me out because I shouldn't feel like this anymore. I know I shouldn't. And I just want to stop it!"
"Hey…" Harvey tried to intervene, but Mike wasn't done.
"Something must be seriously wrong with me. But I can't stop it! You know, I just want to cry my eyes out sometimes for no apparent reason. What's that about? Like the other night! I was freaking out for no reason."
Mike looked at him now with wide eyes and Harvey seemed to understand that he actually wanted an answer. Harvey was silent for a moment later, looking towards the bar area with something distant in his eyes.
"Mike. Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing. You're telling me your emotions isn't up to speed yet, but so what? It's not like you can control your emotions, but you can work with them. Maybe with the reasons behind why you feel like that. But there is nothing wrong with you. You feel what you feel. You went through trauma, and trauma leaves traces behind. That's what you work with. I'm telling you that nothing is wrong with you."
Mike swallowed and nodded a bit. He hesitated. Harvey smiled and leaned forward and patted his hand a little bit.
"Nothing serious at least." He said next and managed to draw a smile from Mike.
"Okay. Thanks Harvey." Mike sighed.
"Don't feel like you have to rush things. It will come. You'll feel better. You have time." Harvey smiled at him. They looked at each other for a long time, and Mike knew that Harvey was right. He had time now, time to figure things out.
"Thank you. I have time because of you."
Harvey rolled his eyes. "You got to stop thanking me." He muttered and leaned back in his seat. Mike took a sip of his soda though the straw.
"It's true though. I would be dead without you, many times over. I'm never going to stop thanking you for that."
Harvey huffed something that Mike couldn't make out. He laughed.
"I'm never going to stop trying to make it up to you either."
"So, you are never going to leave me alone, are you?"
"Nope. You are never getting rid of me."
Harvey smirked and raised his glass towards him in a cheer.
"That's good." He said. "I actually don't want to get rid of you."
-SUITS-