Chapter 6 – But I'm Just A Boy With His Heart Pouring Out Of His Head
The water in the sink had lost its heat. Diane groaned as she pulled the plug and turned on the faucet to refill it. The dishes from dinner glared at her from where they were stacked up on the countertop, numerous pots and pans still lay strewn over the stovetop and she felt a heavy sense of regret for deciding to be so adventurous with that evening's meal. Despite how tired she always felt after long shifts Diane always insisted on doing the cooking on her evenings off. Ben never complained about his days with the girls, the laundry, the playdates, the runny noses, but truth be told she was jealous of him getting to spend this magical time with the twins while they were still young.
It was true what people always said, they were growing up so fast. It was just a matter of weeks until their second birthday and Diane wished she could keep them at this age forever. Those little personalities had really developed over the last few months. Poppy was the rambunctious one, always on the move, curious and nosey, whilst Paige was the quiet soul, loved picture books and dolls, and would be the first to seek out a cuddle. For two beings that shared a DNA code, they couldn't be more different in nature. Their faces, however, Diane and Ben still couldn't tell them apart sometimes.
Motherhood hadn't changed Diane that much, she'd always been nurturing, caring, full of love to give to those willing to receive it. Ben, on the other hand, he'd changed completely. He'd grown up in a small town as an only child, lonely, always sought to surround himself with noise and people. College life had turned him into a party animal, whilst Diane had been nose deep in textbooks, already set on her journey to becoming a doctor, Ben was always found at a house party with a drink in his hand.
They had met in their second year. Dragged to a party by a mutual friend Diane had wanted to leave the second she had arrived, the music was too loud and the party-goers were too drunk. When a tall, muscular body had crashed into her sending her flying to the ground it had been the last straw. Covered in spilled drink she was saved from a hard landing on the wooden floor by two strong arms around her middle. The arms turned out to belong to the same body that had toppled her and when she looked up into the face attached she could have sworn that time had stood still.
His smile was wide and his eyes sparkling with revelry, the boy, man, righted her, his hand lingering on her waist slightly longer than necessary.
"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" The voice was deep and warm and Diane felt a blush rising on her cheeks as she pulled away and smoothed down her clothing grimacing as her wet shirt clung to her torso. "Let's find a cloth or something to clean you up."
Taking hold of her hand and pulling her through the crowd the man lead her to the kitchen and began rifling through draws before finding a dishcloth and handing it to her.
"Thank you." Diane mumbled and took the cloth attempting to soak up the worst of the beer now staining her shirt.
"I'm so sorry." He said again, she glanced up at him briefly and saw the genuine regret on his face. "I've been told I'm way too enthusiastic when I dance. I'm Ben."
"Diane." Giving up on her futile attempts to dry her clothes she took her offered hand and shook it quickly before snatching her hand away shyly.
"You're beautiful." Her head snapped up and she looked at him wide-eyed. No one had ever called her beautiful. She uttered a nervous laugh and felt her face flush even more than she thought possible. "Let me get you another drink."
He moved away to the island where numerous bottles of alcohol and bowls of, no doubt, spiked punch filled every inch of the marble surface and cast his eyes over the selection. She watched as he chose a few bottles seemingly at random and poured differing amounts into two red solo cups before adding a healthy dash of pineapple juice.
He held out the cup and she eyed it skeptically.
"Trust me." He told her with the most charming smile she had ever seen.
Taking it in her hand she sniffed at the concoction, it smelled sweet and fruity and she detected the underlying scent of white rum. She took a small sip and her eyebrows shot up in surprise at the delicate flavoring.
"I call it Cupid's Arrow." He declared with a wink as he took a large swig from his own cup. "Because it always hits its mark."
It certainly did.
Twelve years, a wedding, and two children later, Ben had mellowed, left his partying days behind him. Sometimes she wondered if he missed them but whenever she asked him his answer was always the same. 'I love you. I love our life. I wouldn't change it for the world.'
A squeal from the front room brought her out of her revere and she shut off the water deciding to leave the dishes in the sink to soak. Drying her hands on a dishtowel she rounded the corner and leaned against the doorframe watching fondly as her husband rolled around on the floor with the girls. Poppy was climbing on her father's back laughing hysterically whilst Paige lay next to them on her stomach, her stuffed hippo clutched in her tiny hands, Ben blew raspberries up and down her arms.
Diane smiled at the scene before her.
This, it meant the world to her. The day spent with her family had made her forget for a short while the horrors of the big wide world. As a doctor, Diane had pretty much seen it all, heart disease, cancer, shootings, stabbings, assault. It was enough to make her want to wrap her girls in her arms and hide them from everyone and everything. To protect them.
Evan Buckley drifted back to the forefront of her mind and she felt a great twinge of sadness at what the man had endured, whether he would remember it or not. Diane never had the mindset of 'at least it happened to someone else' but she hoped with every ounce of her being that her girls would never suffer the same fate.
"Mama!" Poppy's shout interrupted her thoughts and she dived into the fray swooping the twin from her father's back and swinging her around.
"Pee-yew, I smell two stinky little girls." She tickled the tummy nestled against her and Poppy threw her head back cackling loudly as she wriggled in her grasp.
"No stinky. Daddy!"
"Daddy stinky?" Diane laughed. "Well, I guess that means Daddy needs a bath instead." Her daughter nodded enthusiastically and clapped her hands.
Ben groaned as he pushed himself to her feet, hands rubbing at his knees, and opened his arms to Paige. She reached up and allowed herself to be settled on his hip lying her head on his shoulder. She yawned widely and Diane shared a knowing look with her husband.
"Bedtime." They spoke simultaneously.
An hour later the girls were tucked up in bed, Paige was already asleep but Poppy was holding out for one more story. Ben, ever the pushover, relented and read Goodnight Moon for the hundredth time whilst Diane cleaned up the destruction in the bathroom. She was mopping up the spilled bathwater when Ben announced she was finally asleep and asked if she wanted a glass of wine.
"Oh, God, yes please." She grinned as she scooped up the last of the dirty clothes and dumped them in the laundry basket.
"See you downstairs."
Diane finished sorting up the bathroom, tidying the bottles of baby wash and shampoo, and putting away the bath toys then headed to the girls' room for a final sweep. Ben had already tidied but she found herself straightening the various ornaments and knickknacks the twins treasured, handmade sculptures, McDonald's toys, and plastic jewelry.
Moving over to the parallel beds she tucked them both in and planted a kiss to each tiny little forehead whispering, 'I love you, baby'. The nightlight shone through the room as she hovered in the doorway, leaning heavily against it and just taking a moment to watch her own most treasured possessions.
A wine glass appeared over her shoulder and she started slightly.
"Should have known you'd have gotten distracted." Ben chuckled in her ear. Diane took the wine glass and he wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her flush against his front and dropping his chin down to her shoulder.
"I love watching them sleep." She admitted taking a sip of the dry white which was a staple in their wine rack.
"It's the only time all day that they're both completely still." He nosed at her neck and she tilted her head to the side allowing him better access. Diane sighed contentedly as he peppered kisses to her skin and tried to soak up as much of his warmth and comfort as she could. "I can hear you thinking."
Pulled from the moment she patted the hands splayed against her stomach and stepped out of his embrace. "Not here." She said as she moved from the doorway to the girls' room and made her way down the stairs. Ben trailed behind and, in his usual patient manner when he could tell there was something on her mind, waited for her to get comfortable on the couch before prompting her to talk. "It's about a patient, isn't it?"
Diane sighed and sipped quietly on her wine for a minute. "I have this young man, a firefighter, he was attacked at a bar. I just, I can't get him out of my head." Ben didn't make any steps to ask her questions, he knew that sometimes she just needed to talk, to get out the thoughts running rampant in her mind. "He was drugged, sexually assaulted, and dumped in the parking lot but there's something…" she frowned as Mark's words came back to her. "There's something off about the whole thing."
"Off?" Ben picked up his own wine glass from the coffee table and took a sip, he patted his thigh and Diane flicked her feet up onto his lap. His free hand moved at the soles of her feet, kneading at the arch and chasing away the ache.
"He was dosed with ketamine."
"Isn't that what vets use on horses?" He asked.
"Mm, it's used for anesthesia on larger animals but it's also used as an anti-depressant, pain reliever, muscle relaxant," Diane listed. "and we use it for surgical procedures too. The amount he was dosed with though, it's levels we would expect to see in general anesthesia. I think it was someone with access to hospital-grade drugs."
"A doctor?" Ben asked, shocked.
"Or a nurse, hell, even an orderly."
"Has the guy said anything?"
"No. He was still unconscious when I left." Diane sighed as he pressed against a particularly sore spot on the pad of her heel.
"And you haven't called? That's not like you." He smiled wryly.
"Mark made a point today that I get too emotionally involved."
"That's not necessarily a bad thing." Ben pointed out. "It just shows that you care for your patients."
"He's right though, I shouldn't bring them home with me."
"You are talking metaphorically right? Not physically." He squinted playfully at her.
"And here I thought all men fantasized about a threesome." Diane laughed and nudged his thigh with her toes.
"You are more than enough for me."
Even after all these years he still had the ability to make her feel like that college student blushing in the kitchen at a house party being called beautiful for the first time.
"How's your homework going, buddy?" Eddie leaned over his son's shoulder to take a peek at the sheets of paper.
"It's hard." Christopher sighed. Just looking at the math equations spread across the table made Eddie's head hurt and he winced in sympathy.
"You're doing a good job," He reassured him. "The sooner you're done the sooner you can look forward to movie night."
"Did you get the popcorn?" He asked hopefully.
"You know it."
"Yes!" His son's whoop of glee brought a smile to his face. "What time is Buck coming?"
"Around six," He glanced at his watch. "Which means you've got just over an hour to finish up." Chris groaned. "I'll go text him and see if he wants to come earlier." Eddie gave him an encouraging squeeze on his shoulder as he left the room and proceeded to search for his phone having forgotten where he'd abandoned it. He had expected to have heard from Buck earlier in the day but assumed he'd stayed late at the bar the night before and was sleeping it off.
The first night off from a run of twenty-four-hour shifts always found Buck with a ridiculous surge of energy. While most of the crew were close to falling asleep on their feet, Buck liked to unwind at a bar or a club. He'd managed to talk Eddie into joining him for one drink last night before heading to pick up Chris from Abuela's. The place had been a bit of a dive, a wannabe sport's bar in Santa Monica, the decor and service had left a lot to be desired but it had a decent-sized big screen which had the football game playing. When he'd finished his drink Eddie had left Buck with a fresh beer to finish the game and a promise to come over to watch a movie with him and Chris the next evening.
Flipping the couch cushions, he found his phone wedged between the seat and the arm, the screen lighting up as he raised it. Still no message from Buck.
10:14am
Eddie:
Chris is excited to see you later.
10:14am
Eddie:
he demanded popcorn.
10:15am
Eddie:
bring some beers, I have a few but
we'll probably get through them.
12:26pm
Eddie:
Earth to Buck?
1:59pm
Eddie:
We still on?
3:04pm
Eddie:
You ok?
All the previous messages had gone unread. He dialed Buck's number but it went straight to voicemail. Frowning he opened the 118 group chat.
4:53pm
Eddie:
anyone heard from Buck today?
4:54pm
Hen:
Not me
4:57pm
Chim:
Sorry bro.
4:58pm
Chim:
He said something about lunch with Taylor?
5:00pm
Hen:
They still a thing?
5:00pm
Eddie:
He's coming over for movie night
with Chris but can't reach him.
5:01pm
Chim:
Probably forgot to charge his phone
5:03pm
Hen:
Didn't you guys head out last night?
5:04pm
Eddie:
Went to that bar on Washington blvd in SM
5:05pm
Eddie:
I left at 9 to pick up Chris
5:06pm
Chim:
Maybe he met a girl? Don't think
him and Taylor are serious?
5:07pm
Hen:
The return of Buck 1.0 ;)
5:09pm
Eddie:
Let me know if you hear from him?
5:10pm
Chim:
Will do bro
Eddie dialed Buck's number one last time before tossing the phone back onto the couch with a sigh when it once again went straight to voicemail. He didn't have Taylor's number so was out of options short of heading over to Buck's apartment. Maybe Chim was right and he'd met a girl last night at the bar. Still, he could have done the decent thing and let Eddie know he couldn't make it.
"Daddy. I'm stuck!" Chris called from his bedroom.
"What's up, mijo?" Eddie called. He strolled back to his son and crouched down next to the desk.
"I can't do this one." Chris rested his head in his hand and pushed the paper over to him. "Can I wait for Buck to help me?" Eddie sighed.
"I don't think Buck can make it tonight, buddy. Something came up."
"Oh." His son's crestfallen face stabbed at his heart and he made a note to guilt trip Buck when he next spoke to him.
"I'm sorry. Hey, why don't you forget the math, and let's go make the popcorn." He suggested.
"Really?" Chris perked up.
"Yeah, let's start movie night now." Chris leaned out of his chair towards him and wrapped his arms around his father's neck. Eddie gathered him against his chest and lifted him up as he pushed to stand. Christopher had grown several inches over the past few months, he was nearing eleven and mostly protested at his dad still carrying him but Eddie couldn't stop himself sometimes, Chris would always be his baby. He deposited him on the counter next to the kitchen sink and pulled the microwave sleeve of popcorn kernels from the cupboard.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, mijo?" He pulled open the door to the microwave and threw the bag in, turning the dial and leaning against the worktop to face his son.
"Don't burn the popcorn."
Bobby flicked through the channels on the small tv in Buck's room looking for something to watch, he skipped past the old reruns and reality shows finally settling on a documentary on how brass instruments were made. He settled back in the chair, crossing his ankles, and turned up the volume a notch. He wasn't really interested in the process of manufacturing saxophones and trumpets but it was non-taxing on his brain so he'd made the right choice.
He'd finally managed to persuade Athena to go home an hour ago, they'd agreed to split their time sitting vigil so as not to overreach themselves. Bobby had insisted on staying the night, unwilling to leave just yet. He still had reservations over the replacement doctor and preferred to stay until Dr. Woods returned in the morning.
Before she'd left Athena had brought him something to eat from the cafeteria, a club sandwich and a side of fries sat half-eaten on the table hovering over the foot of the bed and a fresh coffee courtesy of one of the nurses was warming his hand.
A rustle of sheets to his left drew his attention as Buck shifted slightly in his sleep but didn't wake.
The waiting was the worst. Knowing the conversation that was coming, asking Buck if he knew what had happened and telling him if he didn't. Bobby was no stranger to difficult conversations, both professionally and personally, but this? This was one he'd never even imagined having to face.
His phone sounded and he reached over to the table to grab it. The A-shift group chat that Buck had created had been pinging throughout the day. His heart had clenched when he'd discovered that Eddie had been at the bar with Buck, that Buck had then stayed on alone.
If only he'd gone home at the same time.
He could imagine the guilt Eddie would feel if he found out. The two men had started off rocky with Buck's needless posturing when Eddie had first joined the 118, but it hadn't lasted long. Over the years their bond had become something to aspire to. Buck loved Eddie's son like he was his own, almost losing him in the tsunami had nearly broken him.
9:21pm
Eddie:
Guys, I'm starting to worry
9:22pm
Chim:
Still not heard from him?
9:22pm
Chim:
Maddie said her calls are going straight to vm
9:23pm
Chim:
Mine are too
9:25pm
Hen:
I'm getting voicemail too :/
9:27pm
Eddie:
bobby have you heard from Buck?
Buck's phone hadn't been on him when he'd been brought in to the hospital, his wallet had been missing too, possibly stolen by his attacker or lost during the assault. Bobby was running out of time; he couldn't stall much longer. If Maddie was now also trying to reach Buck with no luck she would soon be calling out a search party. His thumbs hovered over the screen as he chose his words carefully.
9:31pm
Bobby:
I'm with Buck. Needed his help with something.
9:32pm
Chim:
Oh, thank god! Maddie was about to call the FBI!
Incoming call: Eddie Diaz
Bobby hesitated and glanced towards Buck to check he was still out before answering the call.
"Hey, Eddie." He was aiming for nonchalant but was confident he was managing it.
"He's with you?" Eddie sounded a mixture of relieved and pissed.
"Yeah, he's here."
"Oh, for the love of, estúpido pinchazo! Let me speak to him!" He all but demanded.
"Um, he's in the middle of something." Bobby lied and was met with silence on the other end of the line.
"Bobby," the older man could hear the doubt coming across. "Buck is okay, right?" Bobby hated lying to the man.
"Of course. He's just helping me with something."
"Oh." Eddie's deep breath reverberated through the speaker. "Well, tell him to charge his damn phone!" The call ended abruptly with the dial tone sounding in his ear and he dropped the phone onto the table with a clatter, hating himself for the deception.
The sheets next to him rustled again and when he turned to the bed he saw Buck's head turning slightly. Bobby turned his chair to face the bed and waited. Buck's eyes slowly flickered open and he blinked several times trying to focus. Bobby slowly inched his hand up and laid it on the mattress, his fingers resting on top of Buck's.
"Hey." He said softly. Buck's head turned to him and he smiled when the kid's blue eyes met his, they looked clearer, still tired and foggy but much more alert and aware. "How're you feeling?"
Buck's forehead creased and his mouth opened and closed a few times trying to formulate words.
"Bo…Bobby?"
"Yeah, I'm here kiddo." He leaned in closer fighting the urge to pull Buck into his arms and hold him tight never to let go.
"Where'm I?" His words were slurred and labored, it seemed to take a great deal of energy to get out. His voice cracked and Bobby reached for the plastic cup of water waiting on the bedside table. He held it under Buck's chin and directed the straw towards his lips.
"Here, small sips." He urged. Buck's lips were dry and cracked, the bottom one split just off-center, now crusty with dried blood. Buck drew on the straw taking a small amount of the liquid into his mouth, Bobby waited as he worked it around with his tongue before parting his lips for another sip. "Better?" He asked when Buck settled his head back into the pillow and nodded minutely.
"What…what happened?"
"You're in the hospital. What's the last thing you remember?" Bobby asked carefully as he set the cup down.
"Jumper…the bridge."
That call had been just a few hours into their shift meaning Buck's last memory was Thursday morning. He'd lost almost two days.
"Was…I hurt? On call?" Bobby desperately wanted to soothe away the confusion painting his face. He took a deep breath and shook his head.
"No, Buck, you weren't hurt on a call."
"I…I don…" He closed his eyes and for a moment Bobby thought that was it, part of him selfishly hoping Buck would fall back asleep so he wouldn't have to tell him. Buck moved, trying to sit himself up a little more against the pillows but dropped back with a wince. "Hurts." Bobby reached for the control and rose his head slightly. The man's eyes dropped to his hands noticing the cast and bandages, they narrowed in confusion and he looked at Bobby pleadingly. "What happened?" He asked again.
Bobby steeled himself.
"After the shift, you went to a bar with Diaz," Bobby spoke slowly, measuring his words. "When Eddie left early to go pick up Chris, you stayed. You were found unconscious in the parking lot a few hours later. Buck, someone," Bobby licked his lips and looked away for a second. "someone attacked you."
Buck frowned. "Mugging?" He asked groggily.
"No." He shook his head sadly. He felt his eyes beginning to burn with the desire to cry, the sheer weight of the sorrow in his heart threatening to overflow. He couldn't let himself break, not now. "No, Buck, you weren't mugged. You were raped."