Chapter 9 – Though You Have Been Broken, Your Innocence Stolen

Bobby stepped into the silence of the house and closed the front door firmly behind him. Dropping his keys in the dish on the entrance hall table he hung up his jacket, kicked off his shoes and stood for a moment unsure what to do with himself.

Eat, shower, sleep.

His wife's instructions seemed simple but now that he was home he found he didn't want to do any of them. What he did want was a drink. He'd passed several liquor stores on the drive home from the hospital and but by the grace of God, he'd managed to pass them by without stopping.

The pull to alcohol was always there, an itch under his skin that never relented. There had been moments, hard shifts, unsuccessful rescues, arguments that had pushed him near his limit. The thing that had always managed to stop him was the reminder of how the booze had already destroyed his life several times before.

There were stretches of time when Bobby Jr and Brooke were growing up that he couldn't remember, years spent in and out of rehab where he had missed first steps, first words, and first days at school. He would always loath himself for missing those moments, opportunities he would never get back. The loss of his children had meant he would never be able to make up for those times with grandchildren.

Bobby had come a long way with acceptance for his actions that contributed to the loss of his wife, children, and the 143 people in the apartment building, but the loss of his future, his children's future, that was something he would never be able to forgive himself for.

As he descended the steps into the front room he picked up the fresh scent of cleaning products, the couch and coffee table were slightly out of place and he spied a dusting cloth that had been left next to the lamp. Athena hadn't slept at all. He remembered her mania after Jeffery Hudson's visit during the blackout, for weeks she had systematically worked her way through the entire house, every surface had been scrubbed and every item of clothing had been laundered repeatedly to the point where he thought they would disintegrate. Reassuring her that everything was as clean as possible had done nothing to assuage her and he'd had no choice but to let his wife get it out of her system.

The attack on Athena had scared him to his bones. The sounds of the woman he loved literally fighting for her life on the open radio and being powerless to help haunted his dreams to this day. He would wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, to find her sleeping next to him but the fear would linger for days.

He knew Athena could always tell when he'd had another nightmare, she would be doubly affectionate with him the next day, little touches to his back and arms, soft smiles, and at night when they were in bed she would hold him tighter than normal as he made love to her, as though trying to slip into his skin, show him she was still there, show him that she was alive, that she survived.

Athena had always insisted that Hudson's attack had been nothing more than a physical beating, he wanted to believe her, but knowing what the man had done to so many women, he couldn't help his mind running away from him. He would never forget the first few nights after she was released from the hospital and she had flinched when he had moved to take her in his arms, the way her wide eyes had looked at him and her body tensed as he made to slip under the covers of their bed. She had apologized with a shaky voice and he had assured her that it was okay, he could wait until she was ready. It had hurt his heart to retreat to the couch with a pile of blankets and he wished he had used the ax he had seized from the engine before he'd entered the storage unit.

Eat.

He moved through to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, staring blindly at the contents. His stomach growled but his appetite was non-existent. Grabbing a bottle of water, he slammed the door closed and twisted off the cap, draining half the bottle in one go. It helped. He plucked an apple from the fruit bowl, deciding it was the easiest and safest option.

Shower.

Clenching the apple between his teeth he pulled off his t-shirt and, after removing his phone from his pocket, stepped out of his pants and socks and threw them through the door to the laundry room where they landed in front of the machine and padded barefoot through the house in his boxers, water bottle and phone in hand. When he reached the bathroom and turned on the light he steadfastly avoided his reflection in the mirror knowing he must look haggard and tired.

Turning on the water and stripping his boxers he stepped under the steam, turning up the temperature as high as he could handle. It beat down on his back and he braced his hands against the wall, hanging his head and letting the water surround him. He could feel the tension in his shoulders and back, hours of sitting in an uncomfortable chair coupled with the sheer stress of the situation had left him stiff and sore, aggravating his old injury. A broken back never truly heals. The hot water helped and he moved, twisting at the waist, rolling his shoulders, and stretching his arms above his head to aid in loosening the muscles.

Sleep.

He stepped out of the shower into the cold air of the bathroom wrapping a towel around his waist. He grabbed his phone checking the screen for any missed messages or calls but there were none. He was partly relieved, no news was good news after all, but he hated the waiting. It had been the same after Buck had been caught under the ladder truck, the wait for him to come out of surgery had been horrible. As a first responder, he knew the danger of crush injuries, the fact that Buck had not lost his leg entirely was a miracle, let alone eventually returning to full active duty.

But that was Buck all over. The boy was a walking miracle, despite all the shit that had been thrown at him during his almost thirty years of life, he kept going, kept fighting. All Bobby could hope for was that the same would ring true now.

Pulling on a fresh t-shirt and boxers Bobby quickly scrubbed his damp hair with the towel and plugged in his phone to charge, making sure the volume was turned right up in case Athena tried to reach him. He flicked down the sheets of the neatly made bed and grabbed his wife's pillow, switching it for his own, and pressed his face into it, inhaling the familiar scent of her perfume and body lotion.

Within seconds his body went lax and the only sounds filling the room were his soft, deep breathing.

Buck's tongue was dry as the air he inhaled moved over it. He pressed it to the roof of his mouth and tried to swallow searching for any hint of moisture to relieve the parch, a heavy beat resounding in his head and his eyelids were heavy and felt glued shut with sleep.

It was as though he was floating just under the surface of a wide stretch of water, senses dulled and muted

He became faintly aware of a tickling sensation in his nose and lifted his hand to rub it away, a spark of pain radiated down his left arm. He forced his eyes open, feeling his upper lashes pull away from the lower, and pressed them shut again as the light above his head pierced his vision and inflamed the ache in his skull. Keeping his eyes closed he flexed and tensed his limbs and muscles, every inch of him hurt.

His mind was fuzzy and he tried to pull some sense of clarity from the jumble of images that flittered to the surface. Pressure, hands on him, holding him, voices. Inching his eyes open, Buck took a second to focus and fell on a paneled ceiling design he had become extremely familiar with. He was in a hospital, had a call gone wrong?

Fighting the wave of dizziness it caused opened his eyes fully and looked around his limited field of vision looking for some sort of clue, a figure to his right caught his eye and he lolled his head to take them in.

Athena sat next to the bed, her head was propped on her elbow which rested on the arm of the chair and her eyes were closed, breathing softly, an open book propped in her lap. The room was otherwise empty.

A flash of something surfaced from the fog in his brain. "Buck, you weren't hurt on a call."

Bobby's voice broke through, sad brown eyes looking down at him.

The last thing Buck remembered was the call to a suspected jumper on the Colorado Street bridge, Bobby had spoken to the woman for several hours before managing to coax her down safely. So, he concluded that he hadn't acted recklessly and followed her over the railings.

"You went to a bar with Diaz."

Daring to lift his head he looked down at his body, the ugly green hospital blanket was pulled up to his chest, his arms rested on top and he frowned at the heavy cast covering his left arm. That explained the pain when he'd tried to move it. Taking in the bandages on his right he lifted it and flexed his fingers, it hurt but was bearable. Buck reached for his face and found the canula wrapped around his ears, the source of the tickling in his nostrils, and took inventory of the stretches of skin. His fingers poked at his flesh feeling his way over the bruising and scrapes up to his hairline where a line of stitches sat.

A bar fight maybe? Or he was mugged.

"No, Buck, you weren't mugged."

Buck shifted his shoulders, trying to change his position to alleviate the pressure on his back and a white-hot burning pain flared through his backside and he fell still immediately.

"You were raped."

An invisible hand forced its way down his throat, seizing any oxygen in his lungs, and ripped it out. His heart thudded as his chest constricted and refused to expand to allow him to replace it.

His eyes darted around the room as he searched his blank mind for any trace of a memory, something to tell him, scream at him that it was a joke. He'd remember that. He'd know if that had happened, surely?

The pain in his lower body was the only response.

He felt himself growing lightheaded at the lack of oxygen. He was vaguely aware of a screaming whine somewhere out of his field of vision but was too busy clawing at his chest with his bandaged hand to try to identify it.

Warm hands touched him and he flinched. Through hazy vision, Buck saw Athena leaning over him and saw her mouth moving but her voice was muffled and the words went unheard. He locked his gaze with hers, silently pleading her to help him and she answered by taking his face in both her hands and pressing her forehead to his.

"-reathe!"

His vision was narrowing, blackness settling at the edges but as his eyes started to roll up underneath the lids he heard her muted instruction.

"Come on, baby, breathe! You can do it." Forcing the muscles in his burning chest to move he sucked in a breath. "That's it, Buckeroo, and again." Buck drew in again, filling his lungs and the blackness started to fade away.

Athena lifted her head from his but kept their eyes locked and her hands on his face.

"-thena." He rasped in between gulps of air.

"Shh, I'm here." She soothed. "Just keep breathing. You're okay. Just keep breathing."

He obeyed and gradually the breaths became slower, deeper, and less shaky, the alarm sounding through the room also slowed and became a steady beeping that matched his thumping heart. Stretching his bandaged hand up he scrabbled at hers and she latched them together lowering them to rest on his chest, keeping the other on his face. She rubbed her thumb back and forth over his cheek. Buck closed his eyes at the soothing motion.

Raped.

Wetness leaked from his lids and rolled down his cheeks, he felt Athena wipe it away.

"Buck," She called him softly. He screwed his eyes tight wincing as the action pulled at the wounds on his face. "Buckeroo. Baby, look at me." He shook his head and let out a sob. "I know you're scared and confused as hell, but you are safe! Okay? You are safe and I am here. I'm not going anywhere!"

Her voice carried such conviction that he opened his eyes before he realized what he'd done. She smiled at him.

"Thank you." She said sincerely.

"It's true isn't it?" Buck asked, his voice cracking. The sad expression on her face was all the confirmation he needed and he choked out fresh sobs.

Athena didn't move, she continued to stroke his face and squeeze his hand, all the while uttering comforting words to him. He was vaguely aware of a door opening and Athena turning to bark out a 'not now' before focusing on him again.

Eventually, his tiny reserve of energy was tapped out and he lay exhausted, his breath still hitching slightly and the pillow behind his head wet with his tears.

"Do you want to try sitting up a bit?" Athena asked him and Buck shook his head vehemently remembering the pain in his backside. "Okay, how about some water?"

At that he nodded and his skin felt cold when her hands left him, they returned a second later holding a plastic and she slid the opposite hand under his head, cradling it gently as she lifted it to help him drink. He sucked feverishly on the straw and his mouth flooded with cool water, it soothed his parched mouth and throat. He drained the cup before releasing the straw from his lips and licked at them spreading the remainder over them.

"Sore?" She asked and he nodded again. Buck watched as she reached into her handbag and pulled out a small metal tin, twisting off the lid she rubbed her finger over the contents then reached for his lips. "Just a little lip balm, should help." Athena explained as she gently rubbed it over his top lip, taking care of the chapped and broken skin. She swiped at the tin again and returned to repeat the action with his bottom lip and he couldn't help the wince as her finger passed over a particularly painful split near the corner.

"Sorry." He whispered when she pulled back suddenly.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Athena fixed him with a heavy gaze and he read the intent behind the words perfectly.

"I just…I don't understand." Buck quivered. "Why don't I remember it? I should remember something like that." His vision watered again and Athena perched gently on the bed next to him. She took hold of his hand again and encased it in both of her own.

"What do you remember?" She asked.

Buck searched his mind for something, anything that could help clear the complete blank. "Just work. Last thing I remember is being on the bridge."

"Bobby said that call was Thursday morning," Athena revealed. "Today is Sunday."

"What?" Buck frowned in confusion. "No, I…" How could his last memory be from three days previously? "Do I have a head injury?"

"I think it's best if I get the doctor, she can explain to you—"

"No, Athena, please. Just tell me."

Buck watched as she seemed to battle the want to fetch the doctor despite his pleading but eventually she sighed and adjusted her position on the bed and gripped his hand tightly.

"You were drugged." She told him, simply. "The doctors found ketamine in your system, very high levels of ketamine. You went to a bar with Eddie on Friday after your shift, you were found unconscious in the parking lot later that night."

Date rape. He had been date raped.

"Can I have some time alone, please?" Buck pulled his hand from her hold.

"Buck, I don't—"

"Please." He closed his eyes and turned his head away from her as his voice shook, too ashamed to meet her eyes any longer.

"Okay," He heard her say uncertainly. "I'll go stretch my legs. I'll be back in a little while." The mattress shifted as she stood and he listened to her feet as they moved away. Buck waited for the sound of the door closing before opening his eyes to check he was alone.

This wasn't happening. It was all a dream, a fucked up nightmare of exceptional proportions. He braced his bandaged hand on the mattress and attempted to sit upright, his body screaming at the movement. Panting he gave up and fell back with a cry and allowed the tears to fall.

Buck was a man. Men couldn't be raped. It wasn't like he was a small guy, at 6 foot and 2 inches he towered above most people and he kept himself in perfect shape to meet the physical demands of his job. There's no way someone could have gotten the drop on him. But then if he had been drugged to the point of unconsciousness, that could have been the only way. He never would have let this happen otherwise.

He tried to curl in on himself, his body screaming in protest, to make himself as small as possible in a room that suddenly felt cavernous. He felt raw, exposed.

He felt…broken.

The door closed behind her with a soft click and Athena instantly regretted leaving him alone. She pressed a hand against the door hoping he would feel her presence, know that he was not alone in this, but she knew it was futile. Pushing away from the door she paced down the hallway aimlessly, no destination in mind. She drew level with the nurses' station and stopped when she saw the nurse that had entered the room during Buck's panic attack.

"I'm sorry," She started. "About before. I didn't know how he'd handle someone else seeing him like that."

"It's okay." The woman assured her. "How is he? Do you want me to go check on him?"

"He asked for some time on his own, but maybe in a little while? He's just, digesting."

The woman nodded in understanding and offered her a sympathetic smile. She wondered how many times she had seen a case like this, certainly, in her own line of work, there was never a shortage of sexual assault victims. Too many times she had responded to domestic abuse calls or women found unconscious in parks or passed out at parties, their clothes in disarray and a haunted look in their eyes. Male victims, however, she rarely came across them. She knew the figures were less than their female counterparts but it still happened, it just went underreported.

That was one of the next hurdles, to talk to Buck about making an official statement.

"Sergeant Grant? Is everything okay?" Athena looked up into the concerned face of Dr. Woods.

"He's awake." The wobble in her voice caught her by surprise and she clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle the sob that wanted to escape.

Woods reached for her and slipped an arm around her back. "Come with me." She instructed gently, her arm urging Athena forward. She let her into what Athena assumed was the staff breakroom, stark lighting illuminated a single table with 3 chairs tucked under it, the infamous Hildy coffee machine sat on the countertop next to a refrigerator. The walls were littered with various posters showing information on current issues, policy updates, and corny motivational catchphrases.

'It's never as bad as you think!'

Athena's hands itched to tear that particular one down and rip it to tiny shreds. Dr. Woods pulled out a chair and Athena gratefully sank into it, her legs wobbling as she lowered herself.

"I'd have thought you'd be straight in there to check on him." She half-laughed, she'd taken note of how invested and concerned the doctor was for a man she didn't even know.

"His condition is stable and if anything were wrong you would have said straight off the bat." Dr. Woods spoke as she grabbed two clean mugs from the top cupboard and started the Hildy. "Cindy said that she heard the alarm ringing and that he looked to be having some sort of panic attack but that you were handling it. In moments like those patients are usually better off without doctors sticking their noses in."

"It was horrible seeing him like that." She admitted. "Buck, he's…strong. He's one of the strongest people I know. That boy has been through so much in his life and he just…bucks up."

Woods chuckled softly at the pun. She slid a fresh coffee in front of her and Athena nodded her thanks.

"He's going to get through this." The woman stated with conviction.

"How can you be so sure? You've only just met him." She didn't mean it to come across as harshly as it sounded but it was true, this woman didn't know Buck as she did.

"Because everything you and your husband have told me, about all the crap he's gone through, he survived it and I get the impression he's come out stronger every time." She sat across from Athena with her own mug and took a sip. "Plus, with you and Mr. Nash as his…" She waved a hand as she searched for the right words. "…adopted parents, he has one of the best support systems I've ever seen."

Athena lifted her mug with shaking hands and sipped. Buck had more support than he realized. As much as he may want to keep what had happened from the others, these things have a terrible habit of coming out eventually. Nothing, of course, would be said without his permission, but the 118 family was particularly perceptive. When neither Bobby nor Buck would show up for their next shift questions would be asked. With his arm broken Buck would be out of commission for at least two months while it healed, they would have to tell the team something about his injuries.

A buzzing sound filled the air and Dr. Woods unclipped her pager from her belt. She read the screen and stood from the table.

"I have to go see to a patient for a bit, stay here for as long as you need. We'll let him have a moment then when I'm done we'll go see him." She passed behind Athena and she turned quickly in her seat catching her arm before she disappeared.

"Thank you, Dr. Woods." The words fell short of being adequate enough to convey her thanks for the kindness the doctor had shown the three of them.

"Call me Diane," The woman, Diane said with a small smile. "and you're welcome."

She left Athena alone and she soaked up the almost quiet of the room, the only sound came from the clock on the wall above her head, the hands creeping past 8 a.m. Her thoughts turned to her husband, she hoped Bobby had followed through on his promise to sleep, the man had been dead on his feet when she had relieved him just a few hours ago.

Now and then a doctor or nurse strode in to make a coffee or fetch something from the refrigerator. Some of them nodded in greeting, others were so focused on their task they missed her completely. With each face Athena was glad she didn't see Dr. Hines, there were one or two choice things she would like to say to him.

Looking back at the clock she was startled to see that over thirty minutes had passed since she'd left Buck. Abandoning her empty mug, Athena walked briskly back to his room and let herself in. The boy had turned onto his side and drawn his legs up under the covers, despite his length and size he looked so small and she felt as though she were looking at a teenager rather than a grown man. She saw his body tense slightly at her entrance and she moved slowly into his line of sight.

"Hey. It's just me." Athena announced quietly as she rounded the bed. Buck's eyes flicked to her and tracked her movements as she took a seat in the chair facing him. "How're you feeling?" She mentally chastised herself for the stupid question.

"Tired." He sounded it.

"Has the doctor been in to see you yet?" He answered with a shake of his head and she saw the look of apprehension that crossed his face. "She's nice, you'll like her."

"When can I go home?" Buck asked.

"I don't know. We can ask the doctor when she comes." She thought for a second then posed the question that had been on her mind for the last few hours. "When you are discharged, do you want to come home with me and Bobby? I don't think you should be alone."

Buck didn't get a chance to respond. The blind rattled as the door opened and a soft knock interrupted them.

"Is it okay to come in?" Diane's head peeked around the door and Athena waved her in.

"Buck, this is Dr. Woods." She said by way of introduction.

"Hello, Buck. It's good to see you awake." Diane spoke tenderly as though she were speaking to a wounded animal. Buck winced as he rolled onto his back, the strain on his face showing his discomfort. "Would you lie to raise the bed a bit? It may be more comfortable for you?" She waited for Buck's nod of confirmation before moving and Athena watched as she stepped slowly towards him reaching for the controls. It was clear she was making her movements as obvious and soft as possible so as not to give him any cause to be alarmed.

Diane pushed at the button and a mechanical whir sounded and the head of the bed began to rise. Athena watched his face closely as he was brought up to a sitting position. "How's that?" Dr. Woods asked, releasing the button.

"Okay," Buck uttered. His eyes were downcast in his lap but Athena saw they had watered slightly and his face held a shadow of pain. She inched her hand forward, holding her palm up in offering, he didn't take it straight away but after a moment he threaded his fingers with hers and she held on tightly.

"Do you mind if I sit?" The doctor gestured to the vacant chair on the opposite side of the bed. At a shake of Buck's head, she sat crossing one leg over another. "Thank you. First of all, I want you to know that your health and well-being are the most important factors here, everything else comes after."

Athena could have kissed her for stating that from the get-go.

"Second, I am very sorry for what has happened to you." His face flushed with embarrassment and he shifted uncomfortably. "I can't even begin to imagine how scary and confusing this all is for you, Buck, but I will try to explain things as best I can. If at any point you need to stop all you need to do is say, and if you are uncomfortable with anything being said openly then we can talk alone."

Athena gave his fingers a comforting squeeze which he returned.

"Do you remember anything about the events that happened?"

"No."

"How much have you been told?" Athena and Diane's eyes met for a moment before she turned her attention back to Buck.

"That I was attacked," He answered quietly. "and I was drugged."

Diane nodded. "You were brought into the ER in the early hours of Saturday morning, you were found unconscious in a parking lot. Upon examination, we discovered high levels of ketamine in your blood system and injuries concurrent with physical and sexual assault."

Athena felt his hand twitch as though wanting to pull away, she released her grip on his hand a little but he didn't pull back.

"Your left radius is fractured and your right arm has some deep scrapes, most likely from contact with a rough surface such as a brick wall or asphalt. The drugs you were given suppressed your ability to breathe on your own and so we had to place you on a ventilator until the drugs wore off enough."

His head snapped to look at the woman. "I was on a vent?" He asked, shocked.

"Yes, your throat may be a little sore for a few days. As you were unconscious we called your emergency contact, Mr. Nash and he gave us consent to perform a sexual assault forensic exam."

Buck squeezed his eyes closed and this time when his hand twitched he snatched it from Athena's and curled it to his chest. She longed to take it back but sensed that the revelation of Bobby permitting for his unconscious body to be searched for evidence was extremely unsettling for him.

"We found traces of ejaculant and signs that forced penetration had occurred."

Buck squeezed his eyes shut and his face began to crumble as the words were spoken. Athena felt her own resolve failing and took a shuddery breath.

"You have some scrapes to your lower back and extensive bruising on the inside of your thighs. There are also a couple of wounds in and around your rectum that needed stitching, they will completely heal but you may find you have a little bleeding and some pain when you go to the bathroom."

"Buck? Do you want to take a break?" Athena asked him, he was breathing heavily and large tears were rolling down his cheeks.

"No." His reply was shaky but firm. "I just want to get this over with." Diane glanced at her seeking her approval to continue and Athena nodded at her.

"We started you on a course of prophylaxis in case there was any exposure to sexually transmitted infections and your rapid exposure test for HIV came back negative but you will need to be retested in three months and again in six, that's something you can arrange with your family doctor."

Buck was openly sobbing by now and Athena wanted to call a halt but he had insisted on continuing. She wanted to pull him into her arms and shield him from it all. Hearing the grim details of it all was breaking her heart.

"I expect the physical injuries to heel completely with no issues. I do highly recommend that you seek the support of a therapist once you are discharged." Diane said, earnestly. "I will need to arrange for a psychiatrist to come down and see you for a triage assessment before we can release you."

"How long till then? How long until I can go home?" He urged through sobs.

"I'd like to keep you in for another few days, just to be sure that the drugs have fully left your system and that there are no complications with your lungs, I understand from your medical records that you had a pulmonary embolism a couple of years ago. I just want to make sure that everything is working as it should. I do also recommend that you don't go home alone," She added. "you've been through an incredibly traumatic event and even though you may not remember it right now or even at all, you are going to need the help and support of your family."

Athena desperately wanted him to heed the doctor's advice.

"The last thing I need to talk to you about is whether or not you want to make an official statement to the police. As I mentioned, the evidence kit has already been submitted to the crime lab but it won't be opened and processed until you decide to move forward with it. It's not a decision you have to make right now but—"

"No!" He all but shouted her down. "No! I don't want…I don't want anyone to know."

"Buck—" Athena tried to argue.

"No!" It was the last straw and Buck broke into gut-wrenching sobs, he hung his head and the weight of it pulled at his body as he near enough folded in half.

"Okay, Buck. You can change your mind at any time." Dr. Woods told him. "I'll leave you now, try and get some rest. If you have any questions you can call for me at any time." With a sad smile to Athena, Dr. Woods left the room.

Athena stood and reached for Buck's shoulder with tentative hands. "Buck, baby?"

He moved suddenly, reaching for her and gripped tightly onto the front of her shirt, pulling her towards him. He pressed his face to her chest and she enveloped him in her arms holding him tight and rocking back and forth.

"Oh, baby. It's all going to be ok. I love you."

"It hurts!" He cried against her as his tears soaked through to her skin. "He hurt me."

"I know, baby. I know. He's not going to hurt you again."

His hands scrabbled at her trying to find more purchase. It was as though he was trying to crawl under her skin and hide. She didn't shush him, knowing it was better to let him cry it out but settled for repeatedly telling him she loved him and that she was here.

"Mama."

It was so quiet she nearly missed it.

"I'm here, baby."

"Mama."

"I'm here."