Chapter 10 – I Might Seem So Strong, I Might Speak So Long, I've Never Been So Wrong

Athena shifted her weight slightly keeping her firm hold on the young man pressed against her chest. Buck's cries had gone silent a little while ago and his breathing had slowed to a deep rumble, hiccupping slightly now and then. She was sure he had fallen asleep but hadn't wanted to risk disturbing him to find out. Craning her neck, she peeked at the face pressed against her shoulder and sure enough, his eyes were closed and his mouth hung open slightly.

Bringing a hand to cradle the back of Buck's head she carefully and slowly lowered his weight backwards until he was resting on the thin pillow. He shifted a little in his sleep then went still again and continued to breathe deeply. Athena smiled affectionately at the small snuffles emitting from him.

She pulled the blankets up and tucked him in as she had done so many times with her biological children. Even though they were now so grown up, Athena still checked on them both each night before she went to bed. Harry had a habit of kicking off the covers in his sleep causing him to wake up cold and shivering in the middle of the night, and May, the rough veneer she always portrayed vanished when she slept and Athena couldn't help the protective urge to pull the covers higher and tuck them tighter as though they would protect her through the night.

Collapsing into the chair behind her she blew out a long sigh and she tried to curtail the flurry of thoughts and emotions that threatened to bubble over. Having to listen to Diane detail his injuries to him had been painful to hear.

Worse for Buck, she mentally kicked herself at the selfish thought. No matter how hard this was on her and Bobby, to see and hear the details of Buck's vicious assault, it was nothing compared with being told it had happened to you even though you didn't remember it.

Buck's insistence at not wanting anyone to know had been disappointing but completely understandable. Athena couldn't fault him for wanting to keep silent about it all when she herself hadn't been fully truthful with her own husband about Jeffery Hudson.

Looking at the time she saw it had only been a few hours since Bobby had left and she held off on calling him to discuss their next move. Now that Buck was awake they would need to ask him what they could say, the 118 team would need a reason why Buck and Bobby would both be off work, and unless he planned on hiding out for several weeks until the cuts and bruising to his face disappeared, they would need to come up with something soon. The second the team found out something was up it would be hard to keep them away.

Resolving to call Bobby later, Athena picked up her book and navigated back to the page she was reading when she had first noticed Buck had woken. The words on the paper in her lap may as well have been nothing more than a jumble of black and white smudges, her brain refused to focus and she settled instead for simply watching Buck sleep. The fingers poking out from the edge of the cast twitched occasionally and his forehead seemed to hold a permanent hint of a frown.

Athena stretched out a hand and ran her thumb soothingly over the creases between his eyebrows, after a few seconds the muscles under the skin relaxed. She kept up her administrations long after, her deep brown eyes fixed on him, alert for any sign or tell of discomfort or fear.

Nurses came and went, checking his stats, an orderly brought a tray of food which was removed cold and uneaten an hour later, and still, she watched him. She only allowed her sight to leave him once when Dr. Woods had returned to inform her that the psychiatric consult would be seeing Buck at eleven. Athena thanked her and resumed her observation of his face, almost as though she were on a stakeout, her eyes taking in every little detail, assessing, evaluating. Her continued ministrations on his forehead kept him in a peaceful slumber and she resigned herself to ensure it stayed that way.

Buck needed all the rest he could get.

"You have everything?" Christopher fixed him with a look that screamed of annoyance at his father asking him the same question for the twentieth time. "Just checking," Eddie said with a chuckle. "I don't want to have to drive back again because you forgot your toothbrush."

"I have my toothbrush," Christopher retorted. "and my pajamas, and my school books."

"What about socks? Do you have socks?"

"Daaaad."

"Okay, okay." He pulled the truck into the driveway and shift it into park. The front door of the house opened and an old woman stepped out onto the porch.

"¡Hola, mis amores!"

Abuela waved at them from her spot by the stairs and Christopher waved back and shouted enthusiastically out of the window. "¡Holla!" Eddie hopped out of the truck and grabbed Chris' bag and crutches from the back seat, by the time he'd made it to the passenger door his son was already sliding down from his seat.

"Here you go, buddy." He held out the crutches and slung the backpack over his shoulder. Chris slipped his arms into the supports and made off up the path at lightning speed. Christopher's excitement to see his great-grandmother hadn't waivered as he'd gotten older, always eager to spend time practicing his Spanish and learning to make traditional Spanish cuisines. Abuela was thrilled that the kid showed an interest and playfully teased Eddie that his ten-year-old son was a better cook than him.

"¿Como estan, mis chicos?" Abuela opened her arms wide and wrapped them around her great-grandson once he'd reached the top of the stairs.

"We're good, thank you for taking him tonight." Eddie moved past them and dropped Chris' bag just inside the open front door.

"It is no problem." The old woman replied beaming down at Christopher. "We are going to have some fun, yes?"

"Okay, buddy, you be good for your Abuela, and have a good day at school tomorrow." Eddie crouched down to look his son in the eye.

"I will, dad."

Straightening up, Eddie leaped down the stairs heading back to the truck, he climbed in and backed out of the drive returning Christopher's wave as he drove off down the street.

He pushed the handsfree button on the steering wheel waiting for the beep to signal his phone was listening for his voice. "Call Buck." He commanded. To say he was pissed was pretty accurate. Buck had bailed on their regular movie night without so much as a word only for him to find out he'd been helping Bobby with something. He still hadn't heard from the man, his messages hadn't been read and as much as his worries had been assuaged last night that Buck wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere, Eddie couldn't shake the feeling that something was up.

"This is Buck. I'm probably on a call so leave a message and I'll get back to you."

Eddie sighed and ended the call; it was pointless leaving yet another message to go unanswered. Every attempt to contact Buck had gone straight to voicemail, Buck never let his phone drop below thirty percent battery, never missing an opportunity to research something or look up some fact he'd heard, so it couldn't just be that he'd not put it on charge.

When he'd left the bar on Friday night to pick up Chris, Buck had been chatting to a group of guys who had turned out to watch the game. Buck was animated and smiling and had assured Eddie he didn't begrudge him for only staying for the one drink. If he wasn't mad at Eddie for something then why was he ignoring him?

Rolling to a stop at the intersection he indicated to turn left, waiting for a space in the traffic to emerge, as one opened up and he pulled forward he changed his mind at the last second and turned right, heading towards Buck's apartment. The A shift was all off rota until the next morning but Eddie didn't want to wait until then, it was better to have, whatever it was, out now.

Buck's jeep wasn't in its usual spot outside the apartment complex. Eddie pulled into the space and climbed out looking up at the building. From his vantage point he couldn't see up to the eighth floor to look for any sign of life, curtains open or a light on. Eddie made his way up to Buck's door and knocked, he held off from just barging straight in, turning the spare key in his fingers as he waited for his friend to answer. Turning an ear towards the door he listened out for the sound of shuffling feet approaching from the other side. He was met with silence.

Slipping the key into the lock he opened the door. "Buck?" He called out into the quiet apartment. "You here, Buck?" Eddie stepped into the open plan kitchen and looked around, aside from the usual clutter of takeout boxes and piles of laundry by the machine nothing was amiss. Buck was most likely out somewhere, perhaps with Taylor. He unclipped the erasable pen from the magnetic board on the refrigerator and left a quick scrawled note for Buck to call him then left again locking the door behind him. He shot off a message to Bobby as he rode the elevator back down to the lobby and trudged out to his truck.

9:48am

Eddie:

If you hear from Buck today tell him we need to talk.

He'd been pissed when he'd discovered the man had bailed on him but couldn't begrudge him for helping Bobby with whatever it was that had stolen his company. The two were close, anyone could see it. Having heard the stories about his childhood and meeting Buck's parents in person when they had dropped in the station during their disastrous visit, Eddie wasn't surprised in the least that Buck had formed such a tight bond with their captain. He'd observed the way Phillip and Margaret Buckley has sat, stiff and unfriendly, showing no genuine interest in meeting the rest of the crew or the tour of the station Buck had led them on.

When Buck had told him with a hint of hopefulness in his voice that they had promised to attend a virtual session with his therapist Eddie had had his doubts. The absent look on Mrs. Buckley's face in particular when they had said their goodbyes had spoken volumes to him. Sure enough, just a few weeks later, Buck had let himself into Eddie's home just after he'd tucked Christopher into bed, his eyes red and watery and he told how his parents had bailed, without so much as a word of notice.

"I really thought they were ready to try." The man had sniffled, staring at the steadily warming beer bottle in his hands. "That they finally saw me for who I am, not just spare parts."

He'd crashed the night on the couch and Eddie had found himself padding out into the front room in the early hours of the morning, woken by a soft whimper, to find Buck crying into his pillow. He'd dropped to his knees and pulled him into his arms as he would his son after a mean comment at school and held him tightly despite their paralleled states of undress.

He'd never suffered the same male insecurities around Buck that he had in high school or in the military, male pride and the stigmatism of never showing weakness wasn't a factor here. In Buck, he had found a friend and confidant, hell, a co-parent. Buck had become an integral part of his and Christopher's lives, one that, if he was honest, he couldn't do without. He was well aware of the jokes and rumors that circulated about the two of them, as was Buck. Sometimes they played up to them, little touches, winks, and flirtatious words, they enjoyed the reactions it got from their teammates.

If Buck were a woman he was sure he would have asked him out by now.

Their bond had survived the lawsuit, maybe barely, but that had been due more to Eddie's stubbornness and his inability to process Shannon's death, but they had come through it stronger. The final clue that Buck had become a constant in his life had been seeing the news footage of the well collapse. Seeing the man clawing at the wet earth with his bare hands had sparked the decision to change his will. The man who had been prepared to dig through the solid ground with no equipment to rescue his best friend was exactly who he wanted looking after Christopher should something happen to him.

The only thing he regretted was not telling Buck sooner. It had taken getting shot for him to reveal the change and that he trusted Buck with his heart, soul, and child.

"No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you."

The broken look on the man's face when he'd sat next to his hospital bed and said it would have been better if he'd been shot instead, the sheer scale of Buck's self-deprecation being revealed to him had cut him to the core.

"You act like you're expendable, but you're wrong."

He would say it until he was blue in the face, as many times as was needed to get the younger man to believe him.

Diane tapped her foot restlessly on the floor, her eyes fixed on the door to room eight. The psych consult had shown up to assess Buck and she was anxious to hear the results. She didn't think Buck was a risk, he was simply traumatized and frightened. Unfortunately, thanks to Bret's actions and the use of restraints coupled with the risk of harm indication in his notes, it was necessary. She had shown the doctor in, made the introductions, and left them to it. That was twenty minutes ago.

The door opened and Dr. Moran stepped out with Athena close behind. He waved Diane over as he closed the door behind them and she headed over to join them. The Sergeant was red-eyed and she wiped at them with the back of her hand. Diane offered her a reassuring smile.

"I'm confident that Mr. Buckley isn't a risk to himself or others." Dr. Moran said cutting straight to the point. "From what has been described to me of his reaction plus having spoken to him, it's clear the violent response was born out of confusion due to the drug-related amnesia."

Diane breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing Evan Buckley needed was to be placed on a psychiatric hold for seventy-two hours.

"I am concerned about his mental state, however. Mr. Buckley has been through a significant trauma that he has zero memory off, that in itself is going to be confusing and, not to mention, terrifying." Moran continued. "Whilst I don't want to admit him I do recommend he is assigned a therapist as soon as possible and he not be left alone once discharged."

"Buck isn't the type to hurt himself." Athena protested.

"He may well not be, but with everything he's been through, everyone reacts in different ways. Even if he has no desire to hurt himself physically he can still hurt himself mentally. Being alone at a time like this will allow him to dwell too much on what he doesn't remember. He's probably going to fight it; he's going to have feelings of embarrassment and shame. Not that he has anything to feel embarrassed or shameful about," he raised a placating hand toward Athena when she made to interrupt. "No one is saying that he in any way invited the attack or that he wanted it to happen. But victims of sexual assault battle with an array of feelings in the weeks following the attack."

"So, what can we do to help him, without making him feel smothered?" Athena asked.

"Unfortunately, there's no magic cure." Dr. Moran said, sadly. "All you can do is be there for him, let him know that he is loved and that he is not alone. Keep an eye for any signs that he's withdrawing into himself and get him the appropriate help if needed."

"Thank you, doctor." The Sergeant shook his hand.

"I wish you all the best." Moran said with a nod. Athena slipped back into the room and Diane walked a few paces down the hallway with him.

"Thank you, Eli." She said. "I appreciate you coming down so quickly."

"It's no problem." He assured her. "Poor kid's got a long road ahead of him."

"Did he give any indication about talking to the police?"

"He was reluctant to talk at all. The little I did get from him was enough to make an assessment but nothing else. When will you be releasing him?"

"Probably Tuesday." Diane told him.

"Well, I've got to head to the ER for another consult, if you want me to see him again before he goes just leave a message with Brandy."

"I will, thank you."

Eli left heading for the elevator and Diane returned to Buck's room.

"Hi." She said as she slipped inside. Buck was curled up on his side, the blankets were drawn up under his chin and his head ducked down. She looked at Athena in question and was answered with a grim expression and a slight shake of her head.

"Buck?" Diane called softly. "How're you feeling?" All she received in response was a slight shifting of the shoulders under the blankets. "The lunch service will be round soon and then we'll take you down for a cat scan this afternoon."

"Thank you, Diane." Athena voiced as she squeezed Buck's arm.

"Can I get you guys anything in the meantime?"

"You need anything, Buckeroo?" Diane's heart melted at the affectionate nickname. Buck shook his head stiffly and Athena shrugged at her.

Diane took her leave pulling out her phone and dialing a number.

"Diane. What can I do for you?" Mark answered with his trademark cheerful tone.

"Are you still on shift?" She asked.

"I am."

"Can you meet me on the roof?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

Athena had half expected the boy to fall asleep soon after the psychiatrist had left. She had resumed her position by his side, thumb caressing away the crease between his eyebrows and, although his eyes closed briefly now and then, he remained awake staring into the distance. When the lunch service arrived and the orderly set down a tray of soup she tried coaxing him to eat but he refused to touch it let alone look at it.

"Buck, baby, you need to try to eat something." She cooed. "You've got to keep your strength up."

"Not hungry." He grumbled. A verbal answer was better than nothing, even if it was negative.

A low rumble sounded and she quirked an eyebrow at him in amusement. "If you're not hungry then there must be a tiger hiding somewhere in this room." Her attempt to get a laugh out of him failed and she sat back in her seat observing him. He was hungry and she knew it, and Buck had never used food as a punishment so there had to be something else. It took only a minute of pondering before it came to her.

"Buck." She called softly for his attention. "Are you scared to eat because of what Dr. Woods told you, about your injuries?" The flinch on Buck's face told her she'd hit the nail on the head. "Buck, I could reel off a million platitudes about how hard I know this is for you or how I know how much you're hurting, but I won't, because I don't know what it's like."

Silent tears escaped from his eyes and he pressed his face into the pillow in an attempt to hide his face from her.

"It already hurts." His voice was muffled and full of shame. "I just don't want it to hurt more."

"Oh, baby. I get it, I do. But you can't just not eat for the next few weeks until everything heels."

"The stitches, the doctor said…" He trailed off as the tears renewed and Athena leaned her head in close to his.

"The doctor said you may have some pain going to the bathroom." She finished for him. "But she only said may, that doesn't mean it's a surety. I know you're scared, but not eating is going to make everything worse. You want to get out of here, right? Go home?"

"Yeah."

"Then you think you can try a few bites for me, hmm? You don't have to eat the whole bowl, just try a couple of mouthfuls."

Buck sighed and rolled over onto his back, letting out a groan as his body protested the movement. Athena reached for the remote control for the bed and pressed it into his hand allowing Buck to settle a comfortable angle for himself. He managed to raise himself mostly upright before his face contorted in pain and he stopped the motor.

"You want another pillow?" Athena fussed as she rearranged the one behind his head so it sat at his lower back. When he shook his head she pulled the table suspended over the foot of the bed closer to them, the wheels squeaking as it moved. Lifting the plastic lid from the bowl released the tempting aroma of tomato and another growl of hunger sounded from Buck's stomach. Athena threw him an amused smile, he matched it but it didn't fully reach his eyes.

Buck made no move to reach for the spoon so Athena picked it up along with the bowl, she dipped it in, scooping up a small amount. "Ready?" She asked encouragingly.

"Not a baby." He muttered looking at the proffered spoon with an immense amount of distaste.

"Is it so bad that I want to look after my boy?" She was going for a light-hearted pretense of offense and knew it was the right track to take when he blushed and the first genuine, if small, smile she'd seen since she'd set foot in the hospital crept across his face. "Besides, with your hands out of commission for a little while, it'll be easier on all of us if you don't get it all down you."

Buck scowled at the plaster cast and bandages covering his arms from fingers to elbows and nodded reluctantly. Athena brought the spoon to his lips and guided it in when he opened them, she watched as he rolled the flavor around his mouth before swallowing hesitantly, wincing in discomfort. She knew the temperature wasn't too hot so assumed this was due to irritation from the intubation tube or perhaps the bruising around his throat and made a mental note to ask Dr. Woods about it. If he agreed to come stay with her and Bobby for a while they should perhaps look into softer and more liquid foods for the first few days.

Buck managed half of the small bowl before turning his head away when Athena returned with the next spoonful of soup. It was more than she had expected him it eat so she let it pass and set the bowl back on the tray and offered instead the cup of water. Buck made a clumsy attempt at taking it with his injured hands, a look of steely determination on his face. Athena molded his fingers around the plastic and kept them in place as support in case it should slip from his weak grip. Buck drained the cup and collapsed back against the pillow, fatigue setting in at the minimal activity.

Athena stroked his head, gently, his eyes fluttered closed at the touch and he turned into her hand, seeking the comfort she offered. Silence fell over them for a while and just as Athena thought he had drifted off to sleep his eyes opened and locked with hers.

"What's going to happen with work?" He asked her, anxiously.

"Bobby spoke to the Chief, he didn't say what had happened, just that you were attacked and would need some time to recover. With your arm," she gestured to the plaster cast. "broken bones take time; you're probably looking at around six weeks before you can go back to active duty."

Buck was a man of action. She'd seen how disheartened he'd been during his previous stints of medical leave or light duties. How desperate he'd been to return to his team, his house, to be back out saving lives and doing his damndest to make a difference in the world. Buck had always been testy during these times, insufferable even. Grouchy and annoying to the point of exhaustion it had been a group effort to get him through it.

This time, however, Athena knew it was going to be different. His understandable reluctance for anyone else on the team to know meant that his support team was going to be considerably smaller.

"Buck, I need to ask you if you want…if you want us to call Maddie, tell her what happened." The reaction was instant. The tiredness vanished and he shifted his body trying to sit more upright.

"No. No, I don't want her to know!" He stated sharply.

"She's your sister, Buckeroo, she loves you and she would want to help you through this."

"I said no!" His shout echoed through the room and Athena blanched at the underlying anger.

"Now, baby, I know you're hurting." Her tone of voice shifted from motherly to stern in an attempt to get through to him. "But I need you to look at this objectively even though I know it's got to be so hard. What if it was your sister sat here in this bed, battered and scared? Don't you think you'd want to be here, supporting her, helping her through it?"

"It's not the same!" Buck spat.

"Isn't it?"

"No!"

"And why is that?"

"Because she's a…" He faltered and Athena knew she had him.

"Because she's a woman?" She finished for him. Buck ducked his head, picking angrily at a loose thread on the blanket. "So, because she's a woman she deserved the treatment Doug gave her?"

"What?" He looked at her, horrified. "No, that's not what I meant!"

"Then what did you mean?" Athena pressed.

"I'm a man! A fucking six foot two man! I should have been able to protect myself!" The rage was radiating off him. "I should have been able to fight him off! I mean, did I even try? Because I don't remember! Maybe I didn't, maybe I just let it happen!"

"I know you don't believe that, Buck."

"Don't I? How do I know? I don't fucking remember!" He kicked out a leg, his foot caught the table and the tray skidded off landing with a clatter, the remains of the soup spilling over the floor. Letting out a groan of pain he brought his bandaged arm up to hide his face. Around it, Athena could see the pain and frustration in his features.

"Do you remember when Doug took her?" She put to him, deciding to try a different route. "You were prepared to do whatever it took to bring her home. Hell, you stole Chimney's phone and broke the chain of custody just in the hope of finding even the smallest clue. You said the rules didn't apply to you. That fire? The desperate need to help your sister, don't you think she'd do the same for you right now?"

Buck's breath hitched with a sob and Athena gently pulled his arm away from his face revealing cheeks streaked with tears.

"Just her." He uttered quietly. "Just Maddie."

"Of course, baby." She pulled him back into her arms and he went willingly, surrendering to her hold.

"I don't…I don't think I'm ready to see her yet, though." His muffled voice emitted from the folds of her shirt.

"No one's going to force you to see anyone until you say you are." Athena guaranteed. "Now, I'm going to see if we can get this mess cleaned up then you're going to get some rest before they come take you for the scan."

"I'm sorry." He sounded sheepish and she pulled back, taking his face in her hands

"You have nothing to apologize for." Her gaze was firm and unwavering and he eventually nodded. She pressed a kiss to his forehead and with a promise to return as soon as she could she left the room.

Spotting an orderly she made an excuse of fumbling hands being responsible for the spilled food and asked if someone would be able to tend to it and pulled out her phone to message her husband. It was nearing noon and, as she was yet to hear from him, she assumed he was still sleeping.

11:56am

Athena:

Our boy's awake. Passed a psych eval. Agreed to tell Maddie.

11:58am

Athena:

Call me when you wake.

11:58am

Athena:

I love you xx