The Random Freak Show! Monty Python style!

Mainly written by me but little bit of help from Kayla. There're probably LOADS of typos in here but once again I cannot be bothered to check it so try and ignore them.

Summary: The Random Freak Show! - hosted by Yellowierd0. This week it's Furuba! And the theme is… MONTY PYTHON! It's mainly the Holy Grail though. Contains bits of Life of Brian, not much just a little. Rated for language (there isn't toooooo much cursing though, right?)

Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Baskets or Monty Python (that would be so cool though – or not) Also I don't own Kayla, she is real. (Not that I'd want to own her)

"Hello! And welcome to…" drum roll "THE RANDOM FREAK SHOW!"

"What the hell?" says a confused Kyo.

"Shut up you!"

"Hey! Don't tell me to shut up!"

"Sigh. Security!" Two large men drag Kyo out and later bring him back into the studio with a bruised body.

"Now, did that teach you a lesson?"

"Just a scratch. Come on and fight like a normal person!"

"Number 1: I'm not normal and number 2: why would I bother with amateurs?" awkward silence, "sigh. Fine have it your way" Yellowierd0 clicks her fingers and half a coconut appears on each of her hands. She puts on a black helmet and gallops towards Kyo, clucking the coconuts together, "You have a choice: die now or… err… is there another choice? Oh what the hell" Yellowierd0 slices Kyo's arm off using her sword.

"What the hell are you doing? Giving me such a bad cut!"

"Erm you've just lost your arm, doesn't it hurt?" Kyo was completely oblivious to his pain.

"Huh? This scratch?"

"Oh for… What s wrong with you?" She sliced Kyo's other arm off.

"Kyo-kun!" Tohru rushed up to him.

"Oh great" Tohru stopped dead when she heard Yellowierd0.

"Ah…"

"We are the knights who say… Nee!" Yellowierd0 announced.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, FREAK?" Kyo shouted across the studio.

"We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and Nee-wom!"

"E-wha?"

"Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!"

"ARGHHHHH!" Kyo tripped over his foot and rolls around the floor trying to get up. Yellowierd0 gladly helped him by chopping up his 2 legs.

"Kyo-kun! Are you ok?" Tohru rushed up to him.

"Of course I'm ok! It's just a damn scratch!" Kyo shouted at her.

"O-o-of course" Tohru stuttered.

"Yo! You listening? The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!"

"What d'you mean 'we'? Kyo argued.

"Moron. Are you blind?" Yellowierd0 asked in disbelief. A small rabbit appeared from behind her.

"It's a rabbit"

"CONGRATULATIONS! Give the guy a prize!" Yellowierd0 started clapping.

"Hey!"

"Would you care to let me demonstrate?" Kyo just looked bewildered. Demonstrate what? He then realises when the rabbit jumped onto Tohru, killing her instantly.

"Call the mortician!" Yellowierd0 yelled. Kayla magically appeared in the studio.

"Do you even know what a mortician is?"

"Yeeees but saying 'Call the mortician' sounds way cooler than 'call the forensic scientist'" Kayla looked up and sighed. She put her gloves on and begins to check Tohru's dead body.

"Hey! Don't touch Tohru!" Kyo shouted but Kayla seemed to completely ignore her.

"COD exsanguinations due to killer rabbit" She pokes this spiky temperature thingy, "Liver temperature…" Inserts degrees Celsius into it, "90 degrees… there's some blood clotting in the wound and the blood spatter pattern's at a normal rate. Oooo! The blood's congealing! See!" Kyo just stares at her in shock at the sight of Kayla doing one of those cool autopsies you see on CSI which then resulted in… a nervous breakdown!

"T-t-tohru…"

"Cat, come here" Everyone turns round and sees Akito.

"Hey! You weren't invited to this show!" Yellowierd0 shouted at him.

"Thank the rat. It was his idea" Yuki appears from a shadow.

"It needs to be confined" Akito then began the tedious task of dragging Kyo away to Studio 2.

"WHAT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Well that was unexpected" comments Yellowierd0.

Now in Studio 2:

"One day, lad, all this will be yours!"

"Akito, where the hell did you get that accent?"

"Play along stupid cat" Yuki told him.

"Don't call me stupid, damn rat!" Kyo shouted back at him but shut up when Akito repeated,

"One day, lad, all this will be yours!" Kyo looks at him and noticed that he was pointing at some curtains, shiny blue curtains.

"What, the curtains?" He replied in a similar accent.

"No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!"

"That's a picture of Studio 3 and Mother-"

"God! You killed your mother remember?"

"But God, I don't want any of that"

"Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was swamp. All the kings said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp , but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad - the strongest castle in these islands"

"Ok now you're just freaking me out" RING! RING! RING! RING! Akito flips his phone out of his pocket, even though he might not have a pocket I dunno.

"Yes, yes I understand"

"YOU HAVE A PHONE?" Akito ignores Kyo entirely.

"Hey, Yellowierd0 says that the rating are going down so we gotta cut to the chase"

"Chase?" Yuki just looks at Kyo in disbelief and said,

"Get to the point, stupid cat"

"Point?"

"You are 17 you're s'posed to know this stuff" Yuki muttered. Kyo looked at him, confused.

"We want…" drum roll, "a shrubbery!" dramatic chord. Yuki and Kyo gave Akito confused looks.

"A what?"

"Nee! Nee!"

"Arghhhhh!" Kyo and Yuki fall down in despair.

"Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery." Yuki screamed.

"One that looks nice"

"Of course"

"And not too expensive"

"Yes"

"Now… go!"

In Studio 4:

"Sigh. They were s'possed to be here 5 minutes ago" Roger thought as he looked at his watch, "Damn punks missed their cue" Yuki walks in calmly with Kyo staggering in behind. He seemed to be holding onto a piece of rope in his mouth with the other end in Yuki's hand.

"Ahh! There you are" Roger began to do some weird pose and announced proudly, "My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design and sell shrubberies"

"Nee! Nee!"

"Be quiet, Kyo" Yuki muttered as he got a closer look at Roger.

"Hatori-san!" They both exclaimed.

"No, no, no" Roger/Hatori said, his hand to his forehead, "Haven't you read the script?" Both shake their heads wondering what the hell was going on, "Oh my god, I can't believe you"

"Hatori-san? Aren't you s'possed to be mentally depressed, serious all the time and a family doctor, not a shrubber?" Yuki asked. Hatori began to open his mouth to say something but shut it tight.

Suddenly everyone heard a noise from the loudspeaker in the corner. They just made out the words to be:

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...

Suddenly straight after that they heard whistling coming from the loudspeaker and… HATORI! (The parts that aren't sung by Hatori are in brackets and are sung by the camera men through the loudspeaker)

Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Kyo and Yuki turned their heads from the camera men and Hatori about a million times during the song 'cause they were so stunned they nearly fainted. I mean it was Hatori, SINGING!

But lucky for Yuki sense came back to him and he ran out of the studio, grabbing a random shrubbery on the way, leaving Kyo on the floor screaming in agony as Hatori sang it one more time.

Two large clouds then appeared over all the studios and there appeared the face of Yellowierd0.

"Well, it's kinda getting slightly boring so… tune in next time for…" drum roll "THE RANDOM FREAK SHOW!"

"There's a next time!" Kyo yelled above Hatori's singing.

"Quiet you and anyway, viewers, don't forget to SEEK THE HOLY GRAIL!"

"What the hell!" Kyo shouted.

"Oh yeah, and by the way if you try to leave you have to cross…" suspense music "THE BRIDGE OF DEATH!" dramatic chord. Everyone looked towards the exit which now led to the bridge of death. They looked over to the emergency exit which now also led to the bridge of death.

"We're dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomed! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!" Kyo yelled.

The Wait for the Next Show

Here is where everyone is:

Studio 1: Kyo

Studio 2: Yuki

Studio 3: Akito

Studio 4: Hatori

Studio 1:

"Arghh! I am not staying here for a week with him" Kyo whined, referring to of course Yuki.

"Oh Boohoo!" Yellowierd0 called from the loudspeaker, "Go to sleep already it's 3 AM! Stop whining, freak" Kyo glared back earning a shrug from Yellowierd0.

Later that night when Kyo finally fell asleep Kagura suddenly pounced onto him.

"Waaaaah!" She screamed, "You said you'd marry me!" She began punching him with all her might, "You liar! You lied!"

"Agh! Get off bitch!" Kyo shouted at her trying to dodge her attacks.

"How could you say that to your fiancé?" Kagura's eyes turned a dark colour of anger and she really began to beat him up seriously. Of course since he had no arms or legs it was a bit hard on him.

"Oh shut up" Yuki yelled from Studio 2.

"Piss off damn rat!" Kyo called through the wall. He forgot about Kagura during that moment so she took advantage of this and pounced on him again.

"Aghhhhhhhhhh!" Kyo quickly grabbed wooden legs and arms by his jaw and miraculously put 'em on.

"Oi! You stole them from the closet!" Yellowierd0 shouted through the load speaker.

"Oh piss off!" Kyo shouted, now able to walk outta the room and out the exit, "Oh I'll take my chances with this dumb bridge" He muttered.

But just as he walked up to the bridge which by the way was fairly long and thin, made of wood and creaked when you walked on it as well as having a few cracks here and there (and I don't mean drugs).

Anyway just as he walked there Yellowierd0 appeared in front of the bridge.

"I'm afraid you can't pass this bridge" She said calmly, looking down.

"You said we could if we want to leave so I'm going" Kyo tried to barge through but Yellowierd0 stopped him. She lifted her head and said just as seriously,

"I can't let anyone die before the next show"

"You bitch! First you kill Tohru and now you won't let me leave?"

"Honda-san is dead?" Kyo looked over his shoulder and saw Yuki who seem to be standing there startled.

"Don't you start" Yellowierd0 sighed. Yuki was now staring at his hands with his mouth wide open but then his head shot up,

"You killed Honda-san you bastard!"

"I didn't kill her! Yellowierd0 did!" Kyo shouted, now facing him.

"You let Yellowierd0 murder Honda-san?"

"I-I-I couldn't stop h-h-her" Kyo stuttered.

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Don't pin the blame on me, Kyo, you wanted a demonstration" Yellowierd0 protested.

Yuki couldn't handle all this information. His eyes grew a dark evil colour and he began to attack Kyo, beating the life outta him and leaving him in a bloody mess.

"You don't deserve life on this land" He calmly said as Kyo was left to die on the ground.

"Aww man! Not another dead body" Yellowierd0 whined, "Damn, well Kayla's still busy being excited about blood with Akito in Studio 3… so lesse… call the... monks!"

"Nananana Dominus" Bonk! "Nananana Recreum" Bonk! Five monks appear, walking in a line. They are each holding a large piece of stone and bonking it onto their head after each phrase they say. They stop and look up.

"Oh my god! Yuki-kun!" They squeal as they chase Yuki around in circles.

"AGHHHHHHHH!"

"YUKI-KUN!"

"Not the Yuki fan club" Yellowierd0 sighted, "I thought they became emos and committed suicide… or was it a dream?" She wondered, "Oh well this is fun too"

Half an hour later:

"YUKI-KUN!"

"AGHHHHH!" They are still chasing each other in circles.

"Ok, ok, ok, ok" Yellowierd0 stopped everyone, "There is only one thing that can solve this and that is-"

"A WITCH! A WITCH! A WITCH! We've got a witch! A Witch!" A large crowd comes on chanting.

"We found a witch, might we burn her?" Someone who appeared to be… Momiji! asked.

"BURN HER! BURN HER!" They chanted.

"How d'you know she's a witch?" Yellowierd0 asked thinking, "This could give me time to actually think of what to do with Yuki, etc."

"She looks like one" Haru said.

"Bring her forward" Yellowierd0 commanded.

"I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch" The witch protested, she appeared to be… Hanajima dressed as a witch!

"But you're dressed as one"

"They dressed me up like this!"

"No we didn't… no" The crowd said in unison.

"And this isn't my nose, it's a false one" Yellowierd0 picks up the carrot attached to her nose and put it back again.

"Well?" she asked everyone.

"Well, we did do the nose" Momiji said.

"The nose?"

"And the hat! But she is a witch!"

"BURN HER! BURN HER!" The crowd chanted once again.

"Did you dress her up like this?" Yellowierd0 asked looking straight at the crowd.

"No, no… no… yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit" The crowd muttered

"She has a wart!" Momiji announced proudly.

"What makes you think she's a witch?" Yellowierd0 asked before muttering under her breath, "She is so blatantly obviously Hana and that wart is so painted on"

"Well, she turned me into a newt!" The kid Hana nearly killed piped up.

"A newt?" She asked looking at him, he looked like a normal kid.

"I got better"

"Burn her anyway" Haru said getting bored.

"BURN! BURN HER!" The crowd chanted.

"Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch"

"Are there? What are they?"

"Tell me, what d'you do with witches?"

"Burn" Haru said.

"BURN, BURN THEM UP" The crowd chanted.

"And what d'you burn apart from witches?"

"More witches!" An excited Momiji shouted.

"Wood" Haru said in a Momiji-you-moron voice.

"So why do witches burn?" Yellowierd0 asked. There was an awkward silence.

"B… 'cause they're made of wood…?" The kid Hana nearly killed asked.

"Good" Yellowierd0 clapped.

"Oh yeah! Yeah…" The crowd mumbled.

"So how do we tell whether she's made of wood?"

"Build a bridge outta her" Momiji exclaimed.

"Aah but can you not build bridges out of stone?"

"Oh, yeah" Haru commented.

"Does wood sink in water?"

"No, no" Momiji said.

"It floats! It floats!" Haru announced.

"Throw her into the pond!" Momiji yelled.

"THE POND!" The crowd shouted.

"What also floats in water?" She asked

"Bread!"

"Apples!"

"Very small rocks!"

"Cider!"

"Great gravy"

"Cherries!"

"Mud!"

"Churches… churches!"

"Lead!... Lead!"

"A duck" Kureno said.

"Exactly! So, logically…"

"If… she… weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood" Momiji said.

"And therefore…?"

"A witch!" He shouted.

"A witch!" The crowd chanted.

"We shall use my larger scales!" Yellowierd0 announced a little too into what's going on (in other words she forgot about Yuki, etc.)

"Right, remove the supports!" She yelled as the scales got ready. Hana weighed the same as the duck apparently.

"A witch! A witch!" The crowd shouted.

"It's a fair cop" Hana sighed.

"Burn her! Burn!" The crowd yelled even louder.

Yellowierd0 turned to Kureno.

"Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?" She asked him.

"I am Kureno, King of the Britons"

"My liege!"

"Good Sir knight, will you come we me to Camelot and join us at the round table?" He asked.

"My liege! I would be honoured"

"What is your name?"

"Yellowierd0, my liege"

"Them I dub you Sir Yellowierd0, Knight of the Round Table"

"Oh my god, oh my god! I'm a knight! And a sir! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!" She began screaming and jumping around in joy.

"We're Knights of the Round Table,
We dance when ere we're able,
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
We're Knights of the Round Table,
Our show are formidable,
But many times, we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're Opera mad in Camelot,
We sing from the diaphragm
a looooooot.
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable,
Between our quests we sequin vests,
And impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot,
I have to push the pram a lot" She sang. Everyone was a little freaked out by this.

"Ooooooooooooooooooookay" They all said.

She finally stopped when Yuki pulled out a shrubbery from his pocket (A/N: Don't ask how) and shoves it in her face.

"O, Knights of Nee… and the Round Table, we have brought you your shrubbery, may we go now?"

"Nice shrubbery, but slight problem"

"What?"

"We are now… no longer the Knights who say Nee"

"Nee!" Some random guy err girl err Uo said.

"Shh shh. We are now the Knights who say… Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble!"

"Nee!" Uo shouted again.

"Anyway, therefore we must give you a test"

"Noooooooooooo… not again" Yuki whined, "Have you not caused me enough pain?"

"Well… no" Yellowierd0 simply stated, "I'll make it simple: get me a other shrubbery"

"Again!"

"Yes, buuuut make it slightly higher so you get a two-tier effect with a little path running down the middle"

"A path! A path!" Uo shouted.

"Theeeen when you get the shrubbery you must… cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a… a herring!" DRAMATIC CHORD!

"Whaaaat!"

"Just go"

"No!"

"Oh boohoo" Yellowierd0 pouted, "Don't got then. Go on the BRIDGE OF DEATH!"

"Fine" He said, startling Yellowierd0 a bit. Nevertheless he walked up to the bridge where… Hiro awaits! Dun, dun, duuuun!

"What is your name?" He asked.

"Yuki Sohma of the Juunishi"

"What is your quest?"

"To seek the Holy Cheese" (A/N: He's the rat and I really can't think of anything better)

"What is your favourite colour?"

"Blue" Hiro lets him pass and he walks to the other side.

"That's easy!" Momiji shouted as he skipped to Hiro.

"What is your name?" Hiro asked looking so uninterested.

"Momiji Sohma of the Juunishi" Momiji said, bowing. Hiro sighed.

"What is your quest?"

"To seek the Holy Carrot" (A/N: I know, I know)

"What… is the capital of Assyria?"

"Wha? I don't know th- AGHHHHH!" Momiji suddenly flies off uncontrollably to the sky screaming.

"How nice" Yellowierd0 commented. Everyone had a sweatdrop, Anime style!

Motoko stared at Hiro and walked up slowly and carefully.

"What is your name?" Hiro sighed.

"Motoko Minigawa, head of the Yuki Sohma Fan Club!" She said proudly, pointing her finger at him.

"What is your quest?"

"To win Yuki-kun's heart!" She said over-dramatically.

"What is your favourite colour?"

"Pin- no blue" She said remembering Yuki's favourite colour.

"I'll let that p…" Hiro thought aloud, "Nah, I feel evil"

"AGHHHHHH!" Motoko flew away.

Kureno walked up.

"Now this is getting dumb, Hiro, you killed your own cousin" He said.

"Well… he was getting on my nerves" Hiro said before muttering, "He's always on my nerves" Going back to normal he asked, "What is your name?"

"Kureno Sohma of the Juunishi, King of the Britons"

"What is your quest?"

"To get out of Akito's life"

"What… is the gender of Akito?"

"Is that in the anime or the manga?" He asked.

"What? I don't know that" Hiro said completely confused, "AGHHH!" He flew off.

"Well that was unexpected" Yellowierd0 commented, "S'pose we'd better get across then, too many people died –fake sob-… Akito! Kayla! Hatori! Oi! You lot! Show's over!"

Akito and Kayla came out. Akito seemed to be holding some CSI DVDs in his hands.

"Ok so don't forget to watch Iced and… oh and 4x4 and bring them back by Monday"

Akito nodded to what Kayla told her.

"How nice, Kayla found a friend, though somehow I'm not surprised it's Akito, considering his sadisticness" Kayla glared at Yellowierd0 for that. She just smile back.

"Hey, where's Hatori?" Akito asked looking around. Yellowierd0 took a remote control out of her pocket and pressed a button. A large TV showing Studio 4 came out of a cloud. It appeared that Hatori was on the phone, though he held it quite far from his ear. Yellowierd0 pressed another button and everyone heard a sound, a disturbing sound.

"Aww… Hatori, you're mean! Why did no one invite me to the show?" The sound shrieked. Obvious it had to be Shigure whining at an amazingly loud volume though the phone which explains a lot.

"Just leave him" Akito said.

"What? That's mean, I'll just let Mitchan pay him a visit" Yellowierd0 said before pressing yet another button. (Mitchan is Shigure's editor if you don't remember, I didn't) everyone heard a loud cry and someone screaming,

"SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEI!" Hatori just put the receiver down and came over to everyone.

"Ok, let's go then" Yellowierd0 told everyone, yawning. All of them just followed her.

"Oh, and watch your step"

"E-wha?" They all asked in unison and stopped.

"Observe, take a step to the left, Akito"

"Hey, hey, wait" Kayla stopped everyone, "You know he'll die if he does that"

"Whoa, I didn't know you cared that much about your 'precious' CSI DVDs" Yellowierd0 said sarcastically.

"Just get on with it"

"Yeah, yeah, just follow my step"

Most of them got across by following the person in front's step. Only minor characters that didn't bother to check their step 'cause they were too busy daydreaming about the 'Prince' flew away in the same manner as Momiji, etc.

"Well, you might as well go back to Furuba world now. Bye!" Yellowierd0 told everyone and began walking away with Kayla.

"How do we get back?" Hatori asked.

"Ah!" Yellowierd0 said, "That is your quest"

"No, seriously"

"Find the Holy Grail"

"I said seriously, you're worse than Aaya" Yellowierd0 snapped back at that.

"Fine, go to and enter one of the pics" They all left and went to the nearest Internet Café.

"Wait" Kayla stopped Yellowierd0.

"Again?" She whined.

"Yes! How the hell is Akito gonna give back my DVDs?"

"Umm…" She though aloud, "dunno"

"Eejit" Kayla started running towards Akito, "Hey, Akito!" She came back eventually with Akito.

"I'm staying over" He said expression-less.

"How nice" Yellowierd0 said.

The End

"You seemed to have forgotten something" Mayu-sensei said.

"Eh?" Yellowierd0 asked.

"You called me here to give a goodbye talk"

"I did…? Oh yeah I did. Of you go then"

"No one's listening"

"Oh boohoo"

"What am I supposed to do then?"

"Go to the Internet Café, Hatori should be there"

"And why would I go there?"

"Because it's your only way home! Duh!"

"Fine, fine" Mayu-sensei said as she walked away, hands in her pockets.

The End… for real.

AND DON'T FORGET TO SEEK THE HOLY GRAIL!