Throughout Tokyo-3 many were hustling and bustling throughout the streets. Business was booming as everyone was out, except for the NEETs. Many were shopping and buying gifts aplenty. There were quite a few stores that were just empty. Some might inquire what is the reason? The answer to that is quite simple, 'tis Christmas Season! Decorations were hung throughout the city and carolers were out and about singing many a ditty. But we focus not on them, at least not right now, and turn to the NERV command center where many have a raised brow.
"-so at that point I decided the diamond-encrusted skull wasn't worth fighting through a terrorist cult, so I got the heck out of there!" Aoba regaled the gathered bridge crew. "And that was my vacation in the Middle East."
"….Aoba what the fuck." Makoto stated plainly, trying to wrap his head around his coworker's hijinks.
"Remind me never to travel with you Aoba." Misato remarked dryly.
"Gah?! Major?! When did you get here?!" Makoto nearly fell out of his seat at Misato's sudden appearance.
"Came in with Rits around when the rap concert was being mentioned. Anyway, how's everyone doing? Are you all ready for the Christmas season?"
"Well actually-" Aoba's statement was cut off when the Commander and Sub-Commander burst into the command center.
"You're all here, good. Begin preparations for combat and retrieve the Pilots, soon we shall be under attack." Everyone was left in stunned silence as Gendo and Fuyutsuki retrieved weaponry from underneath the commander's desk.
"What?!" Misato shouted as a thousand scenarios ran through her head. "Who's attacking? An Angel?!"
"Impossible! We would've detected it already!" Ritsuko shouted, eyeing the Commander with an aghast look.
"Then some terrorist force? A rogue JSSDF platoon?" Misato tried to narrow down their foe so she could solidify her plan.
"Worse." Gendo intoned as he handed Fuyutsuki an AK-47 while he began inspecting a SPAS-12. "We will be facing the forces of the Yuletide and the Father of Christmas himself, Santa Claus." Suddenly the command center became silent as everyone stared at Gendo incredulously.
"What." Misato blurted out, her mind trying to reboot after…. that.
"Are….. are you joking?" Ritsuko asked as she felt a migraine begin to form.
"I do not joke, Doctor Akagi, this is a serious threat." Gendo handed Fuyutsuki a crate of explosive ammo while he loaded incendiary slugs into his shotgun.
"Santa Claus." Misato repeated, wondering if she was drunk out of her mind and hallucinating this entire conversation.
"Indeed, along with his festive forces. From highly trained elves to Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, and even Dominic the Donkey."
"Oh no, not Rudolph and Frosty!" Maya whispered in horror.
"Yes, Rudolph and Frosty! We will put them down like the crimes against nature they are!" Gendo shouted at Maya as she began to tear up.
"Okay, but why is Santa Claus attacking us?" Makoto questioned, not believing that was a sentence he had to say today.
"An excellent question. Due to a certain expedition performed by NERV's predecessor melting the South Pole-"
"Oh goddamnit Dad." Misato whispered as she buried her face in her hands.
"-it caused a mystical flux in the holiday leylines, weakening Santa. Only now has he regained his Christmas powers, and he's out for blood." Gendo lied effortlessly about the last part, not wanting to reveal it's because he and SEELE are attempting to bring about Third Impact.
"…. So we're in a blood feud with Kris Kringle now?" Ritsuko asked, really wishing she took that chance to visit her grandmother for the holidays right now.
"Indeed. So Lieutenant Hyuga, you better watch out. Lieutenant Ibuki, you better not cry. Do you want to know why? It's because-" Gendo pumps his shotgun for dramatic effect. "-Santa Claus is coming to town."
From the Weirdo that brought you Rise of the Minisukas and Gamervangelion.
Blackunknown Presents
NERV vs Santa Claus: An Evangelion Christmas Tale
Starring
Shinji Ikari as a Scrooge
Asuka Langley Soryu as The Disciple of Krampus
Rei Ayanami as Someone who doesn't know what Christmas is
Gendo Ikari as NERV Commander
Kozo Fuyutsuki as Too Old for this Shit
Misato Katsuragi as Master of Eggnog
Ritsuko Akagi as Christmas Cat Lady
Makoto Hyuga as Lonely Under the Mistletoe
Maya Ibuki as Destroyed Childhood Innocence
Shigeru Aoba as
"Pardon me a moment." Aoba spoke up, interrupting the opening credit crawl.
"Yes, Lieutenant Aoba?" Gendo answered, slightly miffed his dramatic scene was being interrupted.
"While this whole Christmas-based scenario sounds fun and all…. I'm kind of….. Jewish….. so I would like to request to be excused from this whole thing based on religious grounds." Everyone stared at Aoba like he had grown a second head.
"I… see." Gendo hesitated, fearing the invocation of the dreaded HR. "Very well, you may go." Aoba nodded and wordlessly grabbed his yarmulke and his copy of the Torah and went home. "Anybody else?" Nobody made a move. "Good, please continue the credit crawl."
Shigeru Aoba as Sir Not Appearing in this Fanfic
Pen-Pen as Himself
Ryoji Kaji as that one last-minute shopper, you know the one
Nicolas Cage as Santa Claus
Danny Devito as The Elf King
Bruce Willis as Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Sean Connery as Frosty the Snowman
Vin Diesel as Dominic the Donkey
Dwayne Johnson as the Coal
Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg as the Elves, yes all of them
Featuring
Krampus as Himself as Krampus
"Damn." Misato let out after the credits finished. "Lotta big name actors."
"Mmmmmm." Ritsuko hummed in response. "I doubt that we'll see any of those actors. It looks more like a publicity stunt to me."
"Yeah…." Misato sighed in agreement. "That sounds about right."
"While I'm sure your conversation is quite necessary, I believe you should get the Pilots." Gendo ordered.
"Shit! Right!" Misato sprinted to grab the Children. As she drove off to grab them, none noticed the slow drop in temperature as for the first time in a decade and a half, snow began to blanket Japan. This was the first sign.
Santa and his Yuletide were coming.
NERV VS SANTA CLAUS: AN EVANGELION CHRISTMAS TALE
PROLOGUE: A PEN-PEN IN A PEAR TREE
END
Okay, so. Uh. This is what I'm doing this holiday season. To answer the obvious question, no this is not related to my other works, this is standalone. And no, you shouldn't take the cast list seriously, it's a joke. Anyway, there will be more coming throughout December. Hope you enjoy, leave a review if you can, and have a pleasant day.