Author's Note: I never expected this fic to take this many turns, but that's what you get for letting the plot bunny run ahead of you. At any rate, enjoy?
FOP is not mine, but the plot of this fic is.
"Non Violent Maneuvers"
Big Daddy had arrived at her place for yet another one of their meetings and promptly passed out. An empty medicine bottle tumbled out of his hand and rolled into a corner. Big Daddy was running a high temperature and not because of his temper, either. Unconscious, he sniffled and Mama Cosma rolled her eyes. When he'd called her earlier, she heard the congestion and asked him to postpone their date. He refused and now, he'd clearly overdosed on medication.
"Men," she huffed. "Stubborn."
That reminded her of Cosmo and she bristled, thinking of him and Wanda. Nonetheless, she hoisted one of the creatures responsible for Wanda's existence into her arms and deposited him safely onto her bed. Big Daddy groaned, waving her off (because he believed her to be someone else), and she tucked him in under the sheets. Sickly, he was nowhere near as dangerous as normal.
Conjuring up a nightgown, nightcap, and a thermometer, she changed his clothing and took his temperature. He was indeed running a low fever and without anyone home to tend for him, she'd gladly assume the responsibility. It'd been millennia since she'd cared for an ailing faerie.
Grinning, she altered her outfit to a nurse's outfit, poofed up a cool, moist towel, and let the administrations commence.
Big Daddy tossed his head and she immediately hovered to his side. Bits and pieces of arguments he blurted nonsensically and she gathered he'd been sick for a while. It was merely that he hadn't stopped to rest and permit his body time to recover. Therefore, instead of recuperating, he'd delved himself deeper into the ailment. He'd been sick way back when she'd kidnapped him months back, but magicked it away.
"Oh, don't you worry," she trilled. "Mama Cosma's going to take good care of you."
"Wanda..." Big Daddy panted and she wiped his brow. Grimacing at the name he called out, she was sorely tempted to play a nasty trick on him. Of course, if he discovered her trickery, he'd probably murder her where she floated, but if he forgot...
"She's not here," Mama Cosma retorted, scowling. "She's indisposed."
"Indisposed?" Big Daddy bolted upright, clutched his chest, and stared unseeingly around him. His eyes were glazed over and sweat trickled down his cheek. She reached to wipe it away, but he whacked her arm askew.
"What happened to my little girl?" Big Daddy snapped, shaking her soundly. Mama Cosma's eyes rattled in her head and she was almost positive he'd dislodged her brain at least a smidgen. Her wand was, lamentably, three feet away where it could do her no good.
"She's-" Mama Cosma didn't even get a chance to change her mind and tell him the truth when Big Daddy interrupted.
"Does Cosmo know?"
Out of a list of possible questions Big Daddy might ask, that was definitely not one of them. Flabbergasted, to say the least, Mama Cosma stared blankly at him. Why should Cosmo's knowledge of Wanda's alleged "indisposition' matter? The next thing he said floored her.
"He should, since they share telepathy."
Telepathy only occurred between true loves, although her spell, creating disharmony between Cosmo and Wanda, should have blocked that. However, she hadn't known about it in the first place. How could Cosmo and Wanda have telepathy? What made them so perfect for each other that they deserved it?
Dumbfounded, repeating it like an idiot, she replied, "Cosmo and Wanda share telepathy?"
"Of course they do. That's why Wanda eloped with him in the first place."
"But...what...how...?" Her mouth was agape and you could fit a fist in the gap. Stammering, she stared out the window and, hands trembling, laid them on the sill. A bird tweeted; a bird with a crown, because, naturally, most birds avoided Fairy World. Too high up.
"Anything that hurts Wanda would hurt Cosmo too."
"What!" she choked. "Then that spell I cast on him to make him act like a jerk to her...it hurt him too?"
"You hurt my daughter!" Big Daddy screeched and Mama Cosma hastily silenced herself. Another rough shake and this time she was positive he'd jarred something loose.
"I'll be right back..." Mama Cosma said sheepishly, swooping down to retrieve her wand. "Don't go anywhere."
"Where are you going! Get back here and bring back my daughter!"
Cosmo was insulting Wanda again to the point of tears. The pink faerie cringed, standing there and taking his abuse for the ten millionth time. It was all verbal, nothing physical, but it hurt nonetheless. And then there was a breaking point. Because Mama Cosma, entering the scene, did not expect to see Wanda burst into tears and disappear into the fish bowl.
"Wanda, wait!" Timmy called and then glared at Cosmo. The green haired faerie smiled sheepishly, unaware of his crime. Mama Cosma hesitated, pleased that Wanda was hurt and wondering if she really ought to remove the spell at all.
Then she felt it. It wasn't powerful, but the sense that she wasn't just tearing Cosmo and Wanda asunder, she was hurting Cosmo too. The green haired faerie's lip trembled and he flung himself at Timmy. Taken off guard, Timmy thudded into the floor with a resounding 'boom'. And yet, Vicky heard nothing. Humans could be oblivious when they chose to be.
"What the heck is your problem?" Timmy snapped and Cosmo wailed. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he buried his head in Timmy's chest. Sobbing loudly, he blew his nose on his shirt. Timmy was beyond disgusted.
"I don't wanna keep doing this!" he wailed and Mama Cosma blinked.
"Keep doing what?" Timmy said, befuddled. "Hurting Wanda?"
"It feels like there's something else inside me, like a jinx!" Cosmo protested, wrapping his arms around Timmy and clinging to him. The water in the fish bowl stirred and, out of the corner of her eye, Mama Cosma spotted Wanda lurking in the shadows. She was watching the two carefully.
"That's exactly what it is," Mama Cosma said, entering the room. "A jinx."
Cosmo gawked at her and she smiled weakly.
"Hello, dearie."
"Hi, Mama!" Cosmo cried, flinging himself at her. All his upset was temporarily forgotten. And then, with Wanda there, it flooded back to him.
"Wait, what were you saying about a jinx?"
"I cast a jinx on you," Mama Cosma said, expecting Wanda to burst out of the fish bowl angrily and snap at her. Instead, she observed her coolly.
"Why?" Cosmo asked, frowning. "What kind of jinx?"
"Magic can't interfere with true love, that's one of Da Rules, but when I cast it, I didn't think you and Wanda were soul mates," Mama Cosma said, scowling. "You didn't seem like it to me."
"Oh, like you're such a good judge of character," Timmy snapped and Mama Cosma glared at him. Rude little human. No wonder Big Daddy disliked him.
"Quiet, human," Mama Cosma hissed. Regaining her composure, she continued.
"Yes, I altered your love so that instead of giving her affection, you'd insult her and hurt her. I figured with enough abuse, Wanda would leave, as any sensible woman would."
The water in the fish bowl boiled and Timmy jumped, cautiously approaching it. "Wanda?"
"Sport," Wanda said through clenched teeth, "I'm in the middle of a homicidal rage. I'll talk to you later."
"You mean you didn't think after we were married 8, 985 that we were soul mates?" Cosmo cried and Mama Cosma shrugged, rolling her wand between her fingers and whistling innocently.
"I also thought you were out getting the milk for almost ten thousand years," she pointed out.
"You're brilliant," Timmy muttered and Mama Cosma glared again. Timmy glared defiantly back and glanced concernedly at his godmother, who, if looks could kill, would have buried Mama Cosma instantly. The water began to steam and little vapor mists rose from within.
"Yes, well, I wasn't planning on removing the jinx," Mama Cosma said offhandedly, ignoring Cosmo's last barb. Wanda seethed and the glass began to crack. Timmy jumped, pressing himself against the wall lest the fish bowl explode and send glass everywhere, including in places where it didn't belong on him.
"So instead of arranging my death like you usually do," Wanda snarled, snapping out of the fish bowl and hair aflame, "you decided to give me a slow, emotional death by having my husband torture me?"
"Well, yes," Mama Cosma said, smirking. "Don't take it personally. I just hate you."
The fish bowl exploded. No, more like it detonated. Glass shards flew everywhere and Timmy flung himself under his bed in order to escape being pinned to the wall. The castle itself, or, rather, its miniature version, smacked Mama Cosma in the face. Wanda roared, thrusting her face into her mother in law's. The world seemed to stand still and Cosmo trembled, fearful of his wife's rage.
"Do you mean to tell me," Wanda said, tone deceptively calm, "that every single insult I've endured, every nasty crack I've heard, every time Cosmo hit on someone who wasn't me, every time he pushed me aside or treated me like garbage, that it was all your fault!"
Mama Cosma wasn't too certain she liked where this was going. She gulped and glanced around for back up, but there was none forthcoming. Cosmo hid in the corner. He wanted to rage at Mama Cosma too, but Wanda had that covered rather nicely. Not to mention it was a heck of a lot safer in the corner instead of outside, in Timmy's room, where things started shattering. Timmy's TV spontaneously combusted. Vicky screamed, but then found herself without a voice. Maybe it was because Wanda, utterly furious, had muted her vocal chords.
"It would have proceeded perfectly if the telepathy hadn't interceded," Mama Cosma remarked mournfully and the straw that broke the camel's back send the entire load careening to the desert floor. Timmy's bulb blew, as did all the electricity on the block, and Wanda still wasn't done.
"Timmy, Cosmo," Wanda snapped through gritted teeth. "Would you excuse me and Mama Cosma for a second while I settle this matter?"
"Um, you're not going to kill her, are you?" Cosmo squeaked and the look Wanda gave him now could have melted steel. He quaked, latching onto Timmy, and the boy kicked him off. He'd latched a little too hard and Timmy massaged feeling back into his leg.
"Murder," Wanda replied, with a look fit to kill, "is only criminal if you get caught."
Okay, scratch what she said earlier. She really didn't like where this was going. Snatching her wand, she held it up and prepared to exit, but Wanda roared rather like a lioness and instead of a normal 'pop', it resounded like a gunshot. Both Timmy and Cosmo gulped.
"You don't think," Cosmo said weakly, "that she's taking her out to dinner, do you?"
Wanda's voice thundered, "Oh, I'm taking her out somewhere, but dinner's not in the cards."
A few hours passed before Cosmo and Timmy saw Wanda again. Mama Cosma didn't return with her and they gaped, apprehensive.
"Don't mess with Big Wanda," Wanda said, smirking. "Because people who mess with Big Wanda disappear, if you know what I mean."
Mama Cosma wasn't dead, nor was she in any condition to do anything but moan, disgruntled. Flopping onto her bed, she shut her eyes wearily until Big Daddy prodded her and she groaned again. How could she have forgotten about him? Oh, that's right. Somewhere between Wanda thrashing her and the jinx shattering into a million pieces along with a few other things, she'd somehow lost track.
"What happened to you?" Big Daddy inquired and she noticed barely that he was completely healthy again. That medicine she gave him must have worked wonders.
"Wanda..." Mama Cosma groaned, face down in the sheets. "Don't mess with Wanda."
And the moral of the story is...don't mess with small, non violent little pink haired faeries named Wanda. It might be one of the last things you do.