I'm back! Eeeek! Yes! The story has a second reader! I'm so happy! (Ten minutes of dancing to "Scotland the Brave" and "Deep in the Heart of Texas" on bagpipes) Wheee!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing is all I own. All is nothing. I own all! Mwahahahahaha! Just kidding. Please don't sue me.
o—o
Chapter Twelve: Constipation and Kitty Litters"I thought guardian forces liked to stay in people's heads," said Cliff.
"Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how cramped a puny human mind is for entities of such awesome powers as us?" said Griever.
"Get your muzzle out of your butt."
"Well we do have an extra room, sir. It's not like he'll be a hassle."
Oh, how wrong they were.
o—o
Laguna stared at the face on the screen. It was a face very much like Raine, his beloved, deceased wife. Well, except that unlike her, this one had a scowl on most of the time.
"Do you understand me, Mr. President? I am demanding, officially, for an extradition," said Squall.
Laguna resisted the urge to wipe away the beads of moisture that are now forming on his forehead. Boy, is he glad that Garden hasn't installed hi-def monitors yet.
"Er, you can't extradite what's not there, Squall."
The face in the monitor frowned even more, if it were possible.
"Really? Well in that case, I am asking for entry into Esthar to personally search for the two…fugitives. After all, we can't let these two dangerous criminals escape, lest they so any harm to the Estharians."
Laguna squirmed in his seat. Right now, he was wishing it wasn't made of leather, which was reflecting all his body heat back to himself.
"Um…Sure Squall. No problemo. What's family for, eh?"
He grinned like a pin was stuck in an uncomfortable place, and that if he didn't, it would get even more uncomfortable. One eye twitched.
"Whatever. Why are you acting like that, by the way?"
In Squall's office, Laguna's image seemed to get even more uncomfortable. Kiros's face appeared on the monitor.
"He's just constipated, Squall. Nothing to worry about," said Kiros.
The monitor went blank. Those two are up to something, thought Squall. Well, maybe just Kiros. It's not as if Laguna is that intelligent.
o—o
"What'd you have to go and tell him I'm constipated for! I'm not constipated!"
"You were going to get yourself in trouble again, so I helped with the most likely solution."
"Well, couldn't you have come up with something a little better than bowel movement?"
"Maybe. But constipation was more fun."
As Kiros ran out of the office grinning, a rubber stress ball bounced off the back of his head and made little squeaky noise.
o—o
"Whaddaya mean, you're hungry? I thought guardian forces don't eat!"
"Not usually. But when we take a physical form, it's easier just to get our energy the natural way. After all, maintaining a form takes a lot of energy, so it's easier just to let it maintain itself."
"What do guardian forces eat anyway?" asked Garrett.
"Well I don't know about the others, but I like wildebeest."
"Um, sorry Griever, but we don't get wildebeest here," said Garrett.
"Oh. Do you have beef?"
"Probably"
"Well… That'll do, I guess…"
"How about we just get some Purina Cat Chow?" said Cliff.
"Ha. Ha. Very funny. It's steak or nothin', boy," said Griever.
"Then nothin' it is."
o—o
In the market, a man muttered angrily to himself. Passers-by regarded him with interest usually reserved for entertainment. He was stocky, and he was hunched. He was also stomping the ground like a Nazi storm trooper.
"Stupid Wedge I mean Garret stupid blue lion with wings What're you lookin' at! Stupid stupid stupid top grade steak taking all my money…"
o—o
In the palace, Ward looked surreptitiously around the corner, in case someone followed him. He let down the guard he was holding on his shoulder and took off the blindfold and gag.
"M-Mr. Zabac?"
Ward put a finger to his mouth.
"What're you doing, Mr. Zabac?" whispered the guard. Ward was the friendliest man in the palace. Kidnapping someone was the last thing anyone would expect from him.
"…"
"Um. I can't understand you, sir. Mr. Seagill isn't here to translate for you."
Ward flinched. He took out a blackboard and a piece of chalk and began to write.
Don't trust anything that man says about me.
"What? But I thought he was the only one who could understand you."
Total bull. Kiros just makes it all up as he goes along.
"You mean he's just using you to support his own ideas?"
Yes! He's evil!
"I knew it! I knew there was no way anyone could understand anything you wanted just like that!"
You gotta help me!
"He's just like my girlfriend, then. Always making decisions for me. It's always 'What Dash is saying is' or 'He doesn't really want the big Winhill shepherd. He wants the pink, fluffy kitty!' You know, I should break up with her. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Just as soon as I-"
The guard (named Dash, apparently) slumped forward into blissful oblivion. Ward rubbed his knuckles and sighed. Why is it that every time he tries to do this, it never works? They always go off on a tangent… Well, at least twenty-seven people know that Kiros is not to be trusted now. Twenty-eighth time's the charm…
"Ward? Where are you, buddy? Laguna needs us."
Crap…
o—o
"What the hell is this!" said Griever.
"It's a kitty litter!" said Cliff, grinning. Mwahaha. Payback time!
"I can see that. Why do we have a kitty litter?"
"Because when we organic organisms eat, we poop."
"Yeah well, there is a toilet, you know."
"Oh, no. You can't use that. That's for humans only. It's the, um, law."
Griever narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"What law?"
"It's the, er, Racial Plumbing Amendment of, um, 5608. Yup, it's the law. You gotta obey the law."
"Grr… Fine! Stupid monkeys. How the hell did they get to rule the planet and all the inhabitants therein is beyond me…"
Garrett looked at Griever apologetically. When Cliff is in a vengeful mood, there's no stopping him…
o—o
"…"
"What did he say, Kiros?"
"He says that we should give all the grant money to the National Institute of Katar Research and Development."
"Oh. Okay."
Aww, man! I wanted that money to go to the Harpoons Club of Esthar! thought Ward.
o—o
Done for now, and almost finished. Please review!