Chapter 4

Carter looked at Doug. "I drove Doug," He said to him. When he was away from Abby, he just remember how bad things were for him on Valentine's Day. Lucy was gone, but he had tried to overcome what happened. "We can take your car, and then you can bring me back here later," He said to him. He wasn't hungry, but he didn't want to tell Doug that either.

"All right, let's go!" Doug said as he grabbed Carter by the neck and put him into a headlock. They both laughed as they walked out of the hospital. "My car is right over here. The same old Jeep Cherokee." Doug loved his black jeep. Even after he crashed it so many years ago he just got it fixed up again. As they both got into the car Doug realized that Carter wasn't talking and looked pretty down. "Hey Carter, you sure your OK?"

Carter just sat in the car. "I'm fine," He said. He always hated being asked if he was OK. He was looking forward out to his night with Doug, but he just missed Lucy. He missed bickering with her, even. It was strange not having Lucy around.

"OK, then." Doug started the car and turned on the radio. "So, did you have any real interesting cases while I was gone?" Doug hated awkward silence so he always did his best to keep up conversation. "So, what do you feel like tonight? More of a small type dinner or something a little more loud and crowded?"

"I don't care," Carter said. He really didn't care where they went for dinner or whatever it was. He just wanted to get through the night, in a way he thought Doug's jokes could cheer him up, but he just didn't know.

The snow was coming down lightly in the night sky and it was nice out. "Good thing the wind isn't blowing tonight, it is actually pretty nice. That's what I love about Chicago, the nights like these.

"So you and Abby seem pretty close, how long you been together?"

Carter looked at him. "We've been out for quite awhile now," Carter replied.

Doug and Carter drove around for at least a half an hour. Not really talking since Doug didn't know if Carter really wanted to. Finally he got an idea that would either really piss Carter off or help him out. He turned around and got on the highway.

"I hope your not too hungry, I just had an idea." Slowly Doug pulled up into the rocky driveway and parked the car.

"OK, come on Carter. We're getting out." Doug got out of the car and shut the door waiting for Carter to follow. The night was still beautiful as he walked past the church and into the cemetery.

Carter looked at Doug. Hadn't he been here before, he was there earlier that day. "Why are we here Doug?" He asked as he got out of the car. He really didn't want to be at the cemetery. He didn't want to hear the music he was hearing either. The church across the street from the cemetery was all lit up, and you could hear the voices of the choir singing inside.

"Come on Carter. I know you probably don't want to be here, but you and I have got to talk. I know you have already been here but it is time we feel better about all of this. also, I miss Lucy too and I don't want to come alone," Doug said with half a smile. He was hoping that this would break the ice.

"Doug, I talk to her here every year," Carter told him. He saw the flowers he had put down for Lucy there earlier that day.

Doug jogged back to the car and grabbed the roses he had bought for Carol. He took Carter by the shoulder and walked him reluctantly over to her grave. He set the flowers down and looked at Carter. "I have been to too many funerals. John. Too many of my friends'. The only thing that is left to do is say goodbye for good. Otherwise you can never move on. Now come on, kneel down." Doug took a knee and made the sign of the cross. Although he wasn't really a Catholic anymore, that was the one traditions that had stuck.

As he closed his eyes he reached for Carter's hand. "Hey Luce. I know I don't talk to you as much as I should, but well, I have explained this to you before. Carter and I are here tonight, we just want you to know that we love you sweetheart. Most people ask me if Valentine's Day is hard without you. But you know what? I know I am never without you.

"I know you are watching over us all. We all think about you. Sleep well, and happy Valentine's Day, Baby." Doug rocked up and kissed the angel on her grave.

He quickly wiped the tear from his eye as he went to his kneeling position again. "Father God, I know I don't talk to you much. Well, at all. But please do me this one favor: Watch over our angel. You make sure she is waiting for John and I when we come up." Doug opened his eyes.

He hoped Carter would say something to let him know that he had the right idea. He had hoped he could help Carter let go a little. It always helped when Carol or any friend went into a hard situation with him. Whether Carter felt better or not, Doug was glad he had someone to go with him.

Carter did pray, but silently along with Doug. As soon as Doug rose, Carter did too. "Can we go now?" Carter asked of Doug. In his heart he said sorry to Lucy. But he still couldn't say goodbye. He started walking off before Doug had another word to say.

Doug watched Carter walk away. He ran his fingers though his hair and put his head down. "Damn. I blew it now." Doug turned his head and saw Carter was in the car waiting for him. He sat on his knees for a little while longer and looked at the stars.

Finally he stood up and started to walk back to the jeep. Instead of getting inside the car, though, he sat on the hood. He couldn't help it anymore, he just started to cry. Although he did miss Lucy he really missed Mark most of all.

This year had been a pretty good one but then he thought back to all the hard times Carol and he had and how Mark had been there for him. He had missed Mark's funeral because he had been too scared to go and now he regretted that more then anything. Doug thought he was going to get closer to Carter by coming here with him but it was clear that all he did was hurt Carter's feelings. With all of these things going on in his head, he just sat there on the hood of the car, in the February night, and cried.

Carter looked at Doug. He felt guilty for hurting his feelings. He wanted a bond with Doug. He had always gotten along with him.

"I'm an idiot," Carter said realizing Doug and Mark were best friends. He got out of the car and went to Doug. "Doug I know you didn't get a chance to be at Mark's funeral. I feel awful, cause I never got to go to Lucy's either." As Carter was talking he realized that he was feeling more comfortable talking to Doug about it than he had been earlier.

"I want to let you know I'm thankful that you are trying to help me," Carter said. "Your the first one here who talks to me about Lucy at all. No one else has ever had, and its nice to know that you did. I'll be right back." Carter walked back to Lucy's grave and was finally able to say goodbye.

When he got done he went back to Doug. "Come on Doug, come with me," He said. Carter led Doug to Mark's grave. It was Doug's turn to tell Mark goodbye.

Doug took a breath and wiped his face. He felt dumb breaking down in front of Carter like that. He always tried to be so tough. Cater took him around the corner where he saw Mark's grave. It shocked him as he stepped back and said, "I don't know, I don't know if I can do this. I mean its been awhile." Doug put his hands on the back of his head. "Actually, I haven't ever visited Mark. I don't know what to say." Doug rarely had people go out of their way to help him, but he was glad Carter wanted to.

Carter looked at Doug. "I know you want to help me, and I want to help you to. Let him know you're here Doug, let him know how you feel. I do it with Lucy every time I come and visit her, but still I have the hardest time saying good bye to her."

Doug stood for a few minutes looking at the gravestone. It read, 'Loved Father, Husband, and Friend'.

"He was one of the best friends I ever had." With that Doug took a step closer. "Hey Mark," He sighed "well buddy, I don't know what to tell you. Carol and I are still together. I'm a father too, although you were a better one then I will ever be."

Doug began to feel himself choke up so he paused, "I miss you a lot, and I'm sorry." He looked up trying to hide his tears but couldn't. He wished Carol were here, but he was glad Carter was. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. You always kept me straight even when I screwed up, and even when I screwed up bad, you were still there for me. Your my brother, and I love you. Goodbye Mark." Doug wiped his face quickly. He still wanted to look strong even though he knew Carter didn't care.

Doug kissed his fingers and touched Mark's grave. As he turned and walked away he grabbed Carter into a hug, but he didn't say anything, and didn't have to. Both of the men walked back through the snow to the car. As they got in, Doug turned on the radio to drown out the silence. He felt a little uncomfortable, but he was glad that they had helped each other. "Thanks Carter," was all he could manage to say. He had started out the night only thinking of how to help Carter not realizing they had both helped themselves.

Carter just listened as Doug talked to Mark, That's how he talked to Lucy when he had a chance to visit her grave, or Bobby's. In a way it kind of helped being there with Doug. He recognized that this 'male bonding' was something he needed, and something he hadn't had that in along long time.