Title: Tragic - PT 7
Rating: R (language)
Summary: Cameron's life full of tragedy... (Cam's POV - kind of) in her eyes, and how she copes - or doesn't.
Disclaimer: Don't own any of it, just playing...
Note: PT 7 -I think I hit a bit of writer's block too (you'll see)...writing this PPD, and getting past it/through it is not easy! There are some parts that I need to get through for there to be more "action" so to speak. I hope you like it... and thanks for sticking with it.
Note: As always, I hate good punctuation, I am horrible with grammar, and I reserve everything to be a work in progress...
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It's approaching Christmas. The air is dry and cold, and the wind chills you to the bone. You buy Pearl her first Christmas stocking. You decide against a tree this year until Eric shows up at your door one night with a small fir three and a bag full of lights and decorations, claiming the baby's first Christmas must include a tree! He comes by the next day to take both of you to the mall to have Pearl's picture taken with Santa Claus. Pearl behaves like an angel and doesn't cry at all. The picture is sitting on your dresser.
The last few weeks have been a new healing process for you. You start seeing a new therapist, attend a local support group and hire a part-time nanny/babysitter to help you out. You are grateful to Cuddy, who points you in the right direction and gives you a list of resources that have helped guide you along. You decide that you need to realign your priorities, and though it's difficult, you know you have to do the best thing for your daughter and your health.
After your little breakdown (as you like to call it), you stay at Cuddy's for a few days. She hires a nurse to help with the baby while you get a little rest and start to heal again. You are grateful for her offer and decide this is the best route to take at the time. She is very businesslike and her guidance is helpful and keeps you on track. Without House around as much, you are able to keep your emotions in check. You decide being around him wasn't doing you any good. You try to block out the conversation you overheard between him and Wilson at the hospital, but it haunts you like a bad nightmare. After hearing that conversation, you hightailed it to Cuddy's office in tears, where she presented you with the additional information you needed and an open door to her home. You quickly accepted.
You remember leaving your doctor's office feeling a little bit more hopeful than you had been feeling, yet still apprehensive and very sad. Prescription in hand, you headed toward the Diagnostic Department to see your child and get your ride home. You were still feeling embarrassed by your blocked kiss in the morning, and by House taking over and taking care of you. You entered through the conference room, the blinds to his office drawn, the door open. You glance briefly around the room, the familiar space feeling so different to you in such a short time. You hear House and Wilson talking as you approach the door. You weren't trying to spy, but when you heard the voices rise you just stopped dead in your tracks.
You hear Wilson ask House what the hell is he doing? (A question he keeps getting asked, you think.) "Feeding Pearl," House replies. "Because she was so hungry!" he almost baby-speaks. (No wonder he had the blinds shut. Feeding a baby might just ruin his reputation.)
"House, you can't keep doing this." (No reply from House, standard House you think.) "House," Wilson growls. "House, listen to me. I'm serious. Whatever this little game that you're playing - with yourself - for god's sake needs to stop, there's too many other people and emotions involved."
"Wilson, I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about."
"I'm talking about Allison and Pearl."
"What about them?"
Wilson sighs. You hear Wilson sit and lower his voice, you strain to hear his words. "Allison is going through an emotional hell. Just a few short months ago, she loses the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life with. She finds out she's pregnant with his child, she gets sued, she's alone and grieving. Here you are playing your little games of being there, but not being there, but maybe there, and maybe being interested in playing daddy to her little girl, which is shocking the hell out of us. Don't you think you're fucking with her head a little? WE all know how she has felt about you in the past, and she has depended on you so much. And we all know how you feel about her, but will never admit to yourself, let alone her --"
"Wilson, again, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm here helping to make sure my young doctor gets back on her feet, so she gets her little ass back in here by the first of the year. I also want to make sure she doesn't hurt this baby, since she kind of put me in charge of looking out for little Pearl in case of emergencies. And even though I didn't want to, I took it on. So my main concern is for Pearl's well-being and making sure I have a fully functioning and well-oiled staff. I can't have a barely functioning, crying-all-the-time-Cameron who can't do her job. It's going to be bad enough with her running back and forth with Pearl and being a mom and all, let alone trying to function as a doctor."
You hear Wilson start to respond to him in a biting tone, but Pearl starts to cry, and you take the opportunity to turn on your feet and head to Lisa's office. Since that moment, you have tried to keep some distance between you and House. Thinking about him, and what he said, even if he was pulling his own motto (everybody lies), just makes your black hole seem wider and deeper, and you can't handle that -- the real truth or the real lies, not anymore.
You choose a new therapist, not associated with the hospital. For the first time, you are brutally honest with yourself and with someone else about how you really feel about things - though it takes you weeks to get to this point. Especially about House. It isn't easy. You feel shame for the closeness you were feeling with him, the comfort that you felt was growing between you two, the intimacy you thought he somewhat shared with you and with Pearl. You hate that in your sleepy state it seemed natural to kiss him. You hate that he has seen you naked, put you in a bath and has put you to bed, that he took care of you, seen you in a weaken state - again. You try to block out the connection you felt with him especially during the birth of your child. You try to block out the images of him with your baby.
You are glad that your time is being scheduled and occupied like boot camp. Your nanny arrives early, so you can exercise and eat and shower. It's been good for you to be running again, to get those endorphins rolling. You fill your late mornings and early afternoons with doctors' appointments, therapy and support groups. Twice a week, you take Pearl to "Mommy and Me," which has been good for both of you, and she seems to like it - as young as she is. You hire a cleaning service to help you with the apartment, because you realize you just can't do it all. Pearl is finally starting to sleep better and only wakes once during the night. You are sleeping better and feeling better. Your interaction with the other mothers is helping, so is their support. The occasional lunch with Lisa or Eric or even Wilson is helpful. They try to be as supportive and helpful as possible, but you still feel like you have already asked too much of them, you have to figure this out on your own (a whole other therapy issue you're working on. One of many.).
You dislike the holidays. It was easier when you were working, because you didn't mind working those days, then you didn't have to be alone. You know you're not alone now, you have Pearl, but you can't exactly have an adult conversation with her. She's not here to take care of you, you're supposed to be taking care of her. Thankfully, you get an email from Chase in California inviting you for a week's visit over Thanksgiving. You decide to jump on it and take a little break from the cool weather of NJ and visit LA for a few days. You know you shouldn't be breaking your schedule yet, but you don't want to sit in your apartment alone. You know Jim and Julie Wilson will invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner, but you're not sure what kind of drama you might face there, including House, and you have been relatively successful in avoiding him.
Your trip to LA goes well. You relax a bit, and enjoy the warmer weather. Pearl is good on the flight, and her sleeping schedule doesn't get too messed up, so that's good. You are glad that Robert's girlfriend is a sweetheart; because she keeps you company and you have a great time with her. You forget what it is like to be a girl, and do those girly things like go get manicures for the hell of it. (Chase actually baby-sits!)
You are getting ready for a Thanksgiving dinner party with some of Chase's colleagues when your cell phone starts to ring. Your new motherly instinct has you picking up the phone, but you hesitate and don't answer it when you see it's House calling. Not fifteen minutes later, it's ringing again. You still don't answer. And then again fifteen minutes later. It's getting ridiculous. You answer. He's wondering where the hell you are as he growls into the phone. You take a deep breath because you are really annoyed. He's standing outside the door to your apartment (by the way, you had the locks changed he noticed), knocking so loud, that Mrs. Kelly came out to see what was going on. You tell him you're in California. He's quiet. He asks if you have Pearl with you. You smirk. Of course you do, you tell him, what kind of question is that? He tells you he went to your apartment to see if you and Pearl wanted to have some turkey and watch some football. You tell him he should call first. He said he tried to. He asks why you didn't tell him you were going to California. You tell him you don't have to run everything by him, he's not your keeper. As some snarky comment starts to creep out of his mouth, you snap your cell phone shut. You don't want him to ruin your day. You power down the phone.
You return to New Jersey feeling a bit refreshed. While in California, you learn that Chase has perfected the art of networking. His Thanksgiving dinner included some well-known names in the medical field, and you were quite happy to be acquainted with them. You feel like an adult again. Very few were married or had children, so Pearl was passed around all night, she was loving it. You jump right back into your routine, but now you have more energy and you are feeling more confident. You send Chase and his girlfriend and a thank you note, and you store some the business cards you acquired in your computer for future reference.
You did return to five messages from House on your answering machine. You delete them all. You are tired of him being more interested in your child (lovely child that she is and all) than you. No more games. You did this with him before you met Ryan, and it wore you out. You remember it clearly. You don't need to do this to yourself again. Besides, you have someone more important to take care of now.
The week after Thanksgiving, House leaves a businesslike message on your answering machine regarding your maternity leave. Your maternity leave, and also left-over vacation days, will be ending. He would like to know your return-to-work date, if you plan on still getting paid. Asshole, you think to yourself. You call Cuddy and make sure you have all the details correct. You settle on after the New Year. Cuddy will relay the message for you.
With Christmas quickly approaching, you try to keep yourself occupied so your mind is not on overdrive and you don't feel too lonely. Pearl is getting bigger every day, and you are enjoying her so much now. You wish it was warmer out so you can take her out in the stroller more. You invest in one of those runner-strollers, and look forward to using it as soon as the first thaw. She is keeping you plenty occupied, and you are awed by her every day, watching her grow, her big eyes seeing the world for the first time, her dark hair growing, her fingers finding new things to touch. You love all these moments with her. You just love being with her and breathing her in, and you feel lucky that she is a happy baby, so lucky.
One evening you get a call from Ryan's parents asking how you are. You chat with them briefly and fill them in on how Pearl is. You have been good about keeping them updated about her growth and you send them pictures regularly. It's just not in you to be a hateful and spiteful person. Things have been much more amicable and it's a relief to you. They invite you over for Christmas. They sound sad. It will be the first Christmas without their son. You accept their invitation. You will go stay with them for a few days and let them lavish gifts and attention on their granddaughter. Maybe it will make them happy. You won't have to think about what you'll do for Christmas. And you won't be alone.
You enjoy yourself with Ryan's parents. There is a first time for everything. They live in farmland, so visiting them is like taking a trip to the country and living in a Christmas tale. They're very sweet to you, you're not sure why, but you play along. Pearl loves Ryan's father, always laughing at him when he goes to tickle her. You think she has a thing for bald headed men, she's always smiling at them. She's still so small, but she seems to be advancing so quickly. Ryan's parents seem aglow with Pearl around, their faces all pink and cheery. They dote on her and keep picking out features of hers that Ryan had when he was a child.
You feel a bit at home in their house. Ryan's mother is cooking up a storm, and the house is full of wonderful baking aromas. She won't let you help in the kitchen, but you keep her company, and that seems good enough. There is always a fire going in the fireplace, and the dogs just love to lie in front of it. Part of you feels like you're in a dream, it's the kind of home you always wanted. You can't figure out what happened all those months ago, but you try not to boggle your mind too much about it. You are doing this for your daughter, for Ryan, and Ryan's parents.
On Christmas Eve, before you go to bed, Ryan's mother hands you a little tissue wrapped package tied with a bow. She tells you it's a little tradition that they do every year. You open it and it's matching flannel pajamas for you and Pearl, and slippers for you. She tells you every year, everyone always got new Christmas pajamas. You give her a hug. You get Pearl ready for bed in her new red and green plaid pj's. Then you put yours on and slip between the cool sheets. Your mind is in a hundred places. You are watching to moon through the window panes, and you think of Ryan. Last Christmas you had to work. The day after he took you away for a long weekend to go skiing in Vermont. You remember he had new flannel pajamas in his duffel bag. You smile thinking about it. He was such a good soul. (You laugh to yourself, he did put up with you after all, didn't he?) Your mind drifts to House. You wonder what he's doing. Probably the same thing he's always doing - vicodin, scotch, piano, work, game boy, yo-yo, bother Wilson, snark, work, watch General Hospital, work, annoy Cuddy, avoid Clinic. What else was there in his life? He doesn't make room for anything else, you think. You still feel a pang in your stomach when you think about him, so you try not to, especially because it is so one-sided, and you just can't take that anymore. You squeeze your eyes shut, and do some calming breathing exercises. It helps you relax and fall asleep.
You awake in the morning to the smell of pancakes and maple syrup. There is a light dusting of snow on the ground. You slept like a log. Pearl is gone. She must of been fussing, and Ryan's parents came in and got her. You stroll into the kitchen and find Emily and Charles (Ryan's parents) seated at the table feeding Pearl. They greet you happily, wishing you a Merry Christmas. They didn't want to wake you and thought you wouldn't mind the extra sleep. You join them at the breakfast table, happy to see them all, and greedily dig into the plate of pancakes placed in front of you.
You have a relaxing and nice day. Emily and Charles lavish Pearl with Christmas gifts galore . . . more than she could possibly need. They are kind to you, Emily giving you a lovely cashmere sweater, and Charles an emergency roadside car kit. They give you a photo album they put together of pictures of Ryan from when he was a child through college so Pearl can have it one day. It was a sweet gesture. You take lots of pictures of them and Pearl, and you love looking at their faces with her. You are glad you made the decision to come for a visit.
Your return to Princeton a few days after Christmas is a little bittersweet. One, because Emily and Charles took to doting on you as well as Pearl, and two, you were enjoying it. Two, New Years' Eve is quickly approaching. And three, you will return to work soon. Too soon.
Unloading the car with a baby and bags and gifts is always a task. Especially when you live in an apartment and you don't have anyone to help you. What can be worse than having your hands full, and not seeing two boxes in front of your door, which you end up tripping over as you carry your daughter over the threshold? Thankfully, you are able to fall on your side, and Pearl is safely cradled in your arms. You didn't drop her, you didn't fall on her, she's just crying from being startled. Oh baby, you coo to her, as you choke back your own tears, happy that she's not hurt, sad that she could have gotten hurt, sore from the pain shooting up your leg, and angry that you didn't see the two boxes, which you are now kicking inside with your boot.
You calm Pearl down. You feed her and put her down for a nap. When you come back into the living room you eye up the two slightly stomped on boxes. They're just two regular looking shirt boxes wrapped in Christmas paper, little snowflakes and snowmen dancing across a baby blue background. One is addressed to you, one to Pearl. Written across your package with black marker is a message. "Came by to drop off some gifts. You're not here. Again. Have a merry. GH." You slide them under your coffee table; you don't want to deal with these gifts tonight. The gifts that made you fall and almost hurt your child. No thanks.
You awaken very early in morning by a sore and throbbing leg, and a nasty bruise running up and down your right side. You make a cup of hot cocoa and snuggle into your couch. You eye the boxes under the coffee table and sigh. Slowly you unwrap the first box. There is a pretty red scarf, soft and surprising. You think it will go nicely with your winter coat. An odd gesture, but you push the thought aside, and continue looking in the box. There is a book, you lift it up, "The Single Mother's Survival Guide." You don't know if you want to laugh, cry, do both, or go find House and kick him. You see a small little jewelry looking box. You gently open it to find a small oval silver locket with the letter "A" monogrammed on it. You open it and find a little picture of Pearl. You draw your breath in. He shouldn't have done this. (Why did he?) You lean back on the couch, fingering the necklace. You wonder if you should call him. You know you have been avoiding him for a few weeks; you have not talked since the night he came by and put you in the bath. You wonder if Pearl realizes he's not been around.
You reach over and pick up the other box. You feel a little guilty opening your daughter's present, but what the hell, she's only eleven weeks old. You pull out a onesy-with the logo "Got Milk" stamped on the front and let out a laugh. There are a bunch of Baby Einstein DVD's and CD's - Mozart, Beethoven, Bach . . . he was obviously going for the music route. There is another little box. Inside you find a silver plated yo-yo. Pearl's name engraved across the round toy. You are palming the yo-yo trying to decide how to handle these unexpected gifts, this gesture from House you don't know how to comprehend, when you hear Pearl start to fuss and you get up, abandoning gifts and all thoughts, to tend to her.
Your last few days off you spend lots of time playing with Pearl. You try to compose a thank you note to House, but you just don't know what to say. You get an unexpected phone call and take a trip to Manhattan, leaving Pearl with a sitter for the day. You hate to have to do that, but later find it to be a good call and a worthwhile trip. Cuddy calls and asks if you are ready to go back to work, you realize you are nervous, don't want to leave your daughter home, but you're about as ready as you're ever going to be. Wilson calls to see how you're doing, asks how the holiday was, wants to make plans to see you, wants to talk about House. You deflect most of his questions, especially anything that would cause you to talk about anything you are feeling, especially because you're just not sure what that is yet. Thankfully, you have to keep the conversation short because you have to take Pearl to the pediatrician. You tell him you will see him when you get back to the hospital in a few days.
You spend New Year's Eve pretending like it isn't a special day. You don't turn on the television or radio. You turn off the phone and the answering machine. You clean out your closet and make sure all your work clothes still fit you right. You make a nice dinner, and put yourself to bed early. The next morning, you get up, brew a strong pot of coffee, and put a new calendar up. That night you get ready for your first day back at work. Ready or not, here you go.
END PT7