CHAPTER 23

Carter rushed into the room, "what happened" he asked Kerry. "Someone get me a gurney." Carol went and put the Haldol in Anna

Anna got sleepy and crashed back onto the gurney. Abby looked over at Carol, "I sent Doug into the lounge and he asked me to tell you that he really wants to talk to you. Come on Carter let's get her up to CT before she gets lose again. Oh and Carol could you tell Doug that we have Anna." She reached over and punched in Doug's pager number on the phone and then dialed CT to let them know that they were on there way up.

Doug felt his pager vibrate. He grabbed it and saw that they were taking Anna up. "He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes.

Carol and Carter looked at Abby as they were exhausted from chasing Anna. . "Of course I go tell Doug right now' She left John to pick up Anna, and up to ct.

Carol walked into the lounge, "Hey I heard you hit your head, are you ok?" She said. Deep down she did miss Doug, and she wanted to be back with him.

"I'll take her up to CT and then you and I can go." Abby said as she pushed Anna towards the elevators. "She's out from the Haldol so I don't think she'll be giving me any trouble."

"Sounds like an idea to me" John said to her. Glad that he and Abby could have a date soon.

Abby took an extremely sedated Anna up to CT. She sat there with her and then handed her over to the surgeons when they were done with the scan. She headed back down to the ER. She looked around to find Carter; she decided that she would find him and then tell Doug that Anna was in surgery.

Carter saw Abby come down and he smiled at her. "How is she?" he asked her. "And then we can go right?"

"She's in surgery right now." Abby said. "She had a severe head injury and they are taking good care of her. Let me just tell Doug and then we can go. He seemed really worried about her."

Carter nodded understandingly. "Yes lets tell Doug, and maybe have him keep us informed." He told her

Abby looked at him. "I'll got and tell him you get the jeep." she said, "he and Carol are in the lounge it will just take me a couple of minutes. Abby headed towards the lounge and pushed the door open slightly, "Doug?"

Doug opened his eyes when he heard Abby. Had fallen asleep and not heard Carol. When he sat up he was surprised to see both Abby and Carol in the room. "Ahh yeah what Abby." he asked trying to wake up. "Hey Carol."

"All right" John said to her. He went outside and went to get the jeep. He would wait for her.

Carol was still waiting for Doug to respond to her when she saw Abby enter. "Take it easy Doug" Carol said sitting down next to him.

Doug sat the rest of the way up. "Thanks for helping out with Anna. Is she ok?" Doug knew he couldn't hide the fact that he was worried about her so he decided to just come out and say it.

Abby put her head into the lounge, "she's upstairs in surgery right now. She had a severe head trauma and they went in to relieve the pressure." Abby said to him, "if you here anything would you page me. Carter and I are on our way out, see you later." She zipped out and went to find Carter.

Doug's mouth dropped when he heard Anna was in surgery. "I should have gotten her up to CT faster." he said to carol as he put his head down and took a deep breath trying to let it go. He tilted his head and looked at Carol. The expression on her face made his heart ache. "I'm glad you're here."

"You did what you could." Carol said to him, "what did you want to talk to me about?"

Doug sat up straight and turned to face her. He knew this was going to be a difficult conversation. "I wanted to talk about us...if you had a second."

Carol shifted her weight; Doug wanted to talk about them. That had to be a good sign, "what about us Doug?"

He cleared his throat. "I'm tired of being sad Carol. You...don't know how hard it was for me to move back here. I know it's my fault for not telling you...and I love you with all my heart. But I'm afraid I'm never going to be the person you want me to be. I'm sorry I scared you, and I'm sorry I hurt you, but you have a decision to make." he took a breath before finishing. he had gone over the speech a million times in his head, and this was always the hardest part to say. "You can forgive me, and accept the fact that I will never see a phyciatrist but love me anyway. or...or you need to tell me to go get my stuff. I know this is bad both ways, but I need to know if we can move on from this...and I need to know now." He wasn't even going to bring up what had happened between him and Anna last night. after he got an initial reaction from Carol he would know what to do next.

"You know that I love you Doug, god help me I love you with all my heart and I miss you." Carol said looking him straight in the eye, "tell me why you aren't willing to get some help, why is that too much to ask of you? You started drinking more and more before we left Seattle, and now here you are telling me that I either forget that you have problems that you won't talk to anyone about or tell you to go. What if I don't have an answer for you now?"

Doug bit his lip and thought about her response. "Then I don't know what to say. Why can't it be enough when I tell you I can't do something? I don't understand why you just can't trust the fact that if something was truly wrong with me I would know to get help."

"What am I supposed to do, sit here and watch and wait while you self destruct Doug." She said getting upset with him, "like we watched Carter. Yeah I know drugs and drinking are two different things but how do I know that you are not going to fly off the handle again. My god Doug we can't even have a conversation with out arguing anymore." Carol fought back the tears. "What is it going to take Doug, you laying in a hospital be somewhere before you admit that you're in over your head. Don't ask me to stand by and do nothing."

Doug shook his head. he should have known their conversation would turn out this way. "thanks for your faith...and your trust." Doug stood up and started pacing. Although he had a lot going on he wanted to get some answers out of Carol right then. "well what the hell Carol? I'm not some broken person you have to fix! You cant blame all this on me." Doug was running out of patients. "I can only say I'm sorry so many times!"

"Oh no, don't you dare turn this into something that is my fault Douglas Ross." Carol said. "How many times have a forgiven you Doug, how many times have I had to tell myself that you weren't going to hurt me again. That the past is the past that in my heart I knew you could change." Carol tried to keep her voice down, "how much of this has to do with Anna? Did you sleep with her last night? Back in Chicago up to your old antics. You're not happy cause bad things happened here, Doug you were the one who brought it down on yourself, but you blame Kerry. You almost cost her, her job not the other way around, and you're not the only one who misses Mark. We all do. Take some responsibility for your actions Doug."

Doug couldn't believe this. "you think you're the only one who has been hurt? You've hurt me more then you know, and you have no right to talk to me about Mark. He was my best friend! You didn't even ask me how I was when we found out he died! and now you're accusing me of sleeping with Anna? You want to know what I did with her last night? I had fun...god help me it was the first time I have been happy in the past few months. And you know what; I did have a chance to sleep with her. She actually likes me and doesn't want to change me." He stopped and lowered his voice. He didn't want anyone from the ER walking in on their conversation. "But you know why I couldn't be with her? Cause every time she touched me...when she kissed me...all I could think about was that I wished it was you. that I couldn't jeopardize our relationship to be with her. I know I am responsible for everything that happens to me and I cant change what happened in the past, but I still think every ethical choice I made was the right one." Doug stopped pacing and stood flat in front of her, "you need to stop being so selfish and see that other people have needs too. I'm sick of trying to be some different man. I will always be this way. I know who I am, I'm not always proud of it but at least I'll never try to change you."

Anna opened her eyes, she was in the recovery room, and her head hurt more than she remembered it hurting before. Bits and pieces of what had happened flooded her senses. She remembered leaving Carter's house and dropping Doug's jeep off at the ER and taking her car to head over to Northwestern. She closed her eyes and she could see the SUV plowing into the side of her car, but there was nothing after that. As hard as she tried she couldn't remember. Somehow she knew that she was at County. The hospital gown that covered her now was enough to let her know where she was. There weren't any familiar faces in the room. Did they call Max? Did anyone know she was here? A wave of panic filled her. There was still a tube down her throat so she couldn't speak and her arms were tied down to the bed rails. Oh god what had she done.

"She's a married woman Doug. As for changing you. That's the last thing I am trying to do. I've hurt you more than you've ever hurt me? Where does that come from Doug? I didn't sleep with everyone in this hospital while I was dating someone. I kissed one paramedic and you have a cow. Here now I am worried about you and you turn it into that I am trying to change you. You have a way of twisting things Doug. It's your fear of commitment. Keep on the road that you are and you will be no better of a man that your dad was."

Kerry could hear Doug and Carol in the lounge. Surgery had sent word down about Anna and she knew that Doug would want to know. She knocked on the door before going in.

"I didn't sleep with everyone when I was dating you!" Hearing about his dad stung Doug. and he had to stop talking once she said it. that had always been off limits and he thought she knew that. Doug took a breath and sat back down. He needed Carol to understand, even if she didn't agree, she needed to understand.

"You know how when you move you always loose something somewhere along the way?" His voice was soft and kind, but his face held how scared he really felt. "Well I feel like I lost something. I feel like I lost you. I don't want to loose you Carol, not over this. And if you need some time that's fine. But I'm telling you honestly, something happened in between Seattle and Chicago. Something happened and for better or worse I'm what you have to make do with." Doug heard a knock on the door and turned to see who it was.

"Doug you do what you want to do, you always do." Carol said reaching for the door. "I won't keep you from your girls, but something is going on with you Doug and I don't want you to bring me down this time." She pulled the door open, "excuse me Kerry."

"Hey!" Doug yelled bumping into Kerry on his way out the door. "You say how you never hurt me? comparing me to my father just did. not understanding just did. walking out just did...breaking my heart just did." he turned and looked at Kerry. "WHAT!"

Kerry jumped, "they send word down Anna's out of surgery. I thought that you would want to know since you were treating her earlier. She's in the SICU but they are still restraining her. I told them that probably wasn't necessary but they wouldn't listen said she was a flight risk."

"Fine." Doug brushed past Kerry without another thought. He didn't know what he was going to do with Carol, but he knew Anna needed him to be there for her so he was going to. After a shirt elevator ride up to the SICU Doug could see Anna through the glass. He checked with a nurse before going in and she told him the same thing Kerry did. He breathed in before entering. Quietly he walked over to her and screwed a smile on his face. She was still intubated but he still wanted to talk to her. "Hey" he said with a big grin. "You doing ok?"

Anna looked up at him; she could see the bruise on his face. She closed her eyes to fight back the tears. She shook her head back and forth. Before opening her eyes. She had no way of telling him that she didn't know what had happened that right now she was scared to death and no one had told her what was going on. She tried to motion with her hand to get him to tell her what was happening. She tried to talk around the tube but it was nearly impossible, squeaks were all that came out.

"Don't talk Anna. It's going to be ok." Doug grabbed the stool that was behind him and sat down. He picked her hand up from her side and held it. "you were in a car accident. When you came in you were a little altered...the surgeons fixed the pressure in your skull. you're going to be ok." Doug had to keep saying that because he had to believe it. "how about we get that tube out huh?" he said as he looked at a nurse who nodded at him. Doug laid Anna's bed back. "ok...take a deep breath in and when I count to three, blow out has hard as you can. 1...2...3..."

Anna blew and started to cough and sputter as the tube came out of her throat. She took a big breath in letting in fill her lungs. It felt good to be able to do that on her own with out feeling the machine forcing air in there. "Thank you." She whispered. "Your hurt with me?"

"You're welcome." Doug gave her a quick wink and sat back down again. he went to rub his eyes and accidentally touched the knot on his forehead. trying to cover up his wince he grabbed Anna's chart. then looked back at her. he wanted to be there and hold her hand but he felt as if he was almost hurting more than her. "I should let you get some sleep." he said letting go of her hand.

Anna shook her head, "Please tell me?" She said, "no one will tell me anything. I'm in restraints Doug why? Did I hurt someone; did I cause the accident and kill someone?"

Doug stopped for a second and debated on what to tell her. He didn't want to make her upset so he just shook his head. "You're gunna be fine." He went to lean over to give her a kiss but something stopped him and he straightened back up. Without another word her cracked a grin and turned to leave.

Anna fell back against the bed. "Would you make sure Doug that they don't call Max." Anna said as she closed her eyes. Something wasn't right, Doug was distant from her, "I'm sorry if I hurt you." she said as she rolled over onto her side the best she could to hide her face from him.

Doug stopped but didn't turn around. "They might discharge you tonight or tomorrow morning. You'll need someone to take you home. Who do you want me to call if not Max?" He knew his voice was flat and hard but he couldn't help it.

"Max," she said softly.

Doug swallowed hard. He was hoping she would ask him to take her home. He knew he shouldn't have gotten involved emotionally with someone in another relationship. He was mad at himself for not being strong enough to offer to take her...or for not being strong enough to stay. "I will." was all he could manage to whisper.