"Rumor has it, Sasuke laughs like a monkey."

"I… What?" Kiba lifted his head and turned to Naruto, a red imprint of his fist on his cheek, "The hell does that mean?"

"Well," Naruto said, and leaned in conspiratorially, "you know how Sasuke doesn't have an emotional level above Postpartum depression?"

"Yeah." Said Kiba.

"Well, rumor has it, that he doesn't laugh, ever…" Naruto leaned in further, a little too close. Kiba actively leaned back so they wouldn't smash their faces together. "…because he laughs like a monkey."

"Naruto," Kiba began, "you've seen a monkey exactly once, and it tried to rape you."

"Shut the fuck up Kiba!" Naruto shrieked. Shikamaru snapped awake so violently he front-flipped over his table.

"… Also," Kiba continued, taking a moment to collect his thoughts, "what does that even mean? Like he makes monkey noises? Or like he laughs like a monkey laughs?"

"Nobody knows…" Naruto said mysteriously.

"It's a rumor dipshit, someone has to know or else you're just making this up."

"Iruka told me, whatever, fuck you."

"Wow you're extra crazy today man."

Naruto did have the unpredictable air of a man dangerously high on elephant tranquilizers. "We're doing this." He said. "That's what's gonna happen next."

"How the hell do we even test this?" Kiba said, "He hasn't laughed at anything, ever, yet."

Naruto's face screwed up as he tried to access his brain. "I think he laughed that one time when I set that guy on fire, remember?"

Kiba snorted. "Oh yea, that shit was crazy. We probably couldn't hear him over the screaming?"

"Ha ha. Ah, I'm getting all nostalgic and shit." Naruto said, and sighed wistfully. For only a moment, he yearned for those carefree days of his youth. Also for Shiro to come back to life god rest his crispy soul. "Wait, didn't we hate that guy?"

"Indeed we did." Kiba said, and they high-fived. "So: Sasuke, laugh, how to. Etcetera."

"Well," Naruto scratched his head, "I figure we could go for broke and just set someone on fire again."

Kiba shook his head. "You are underestimating how serious that shit was, man. You should have gone to prison. I still don't know how you got out of that."

"Well why don't you just bend me over, drop my pants, and make me a cup of tea, because that shit is inconvenient."

"I keep forgetting how stupid you are." Kiba said. "I don't think there's anything we can really do, man. He just doesn't laugh."

"Wrong again, whoreface." Said Naruto, "he does laugh, at people burning to death."

"I can't say this enough: you should be in jail."

"Well Jimminy my crickets" Naruto said, not entirely sure what was going on, "that sucks megatits."

"What the hell are you on."

"Fuck you that's what." Said Naruto. Or maybe Sasuke said it, Naruto wasn't sure. Wait, who was he? Well, whatever. "As much as it pains me to say it, I think we're out of options. As in, we never actually had options. Other than fire."

"You know," Kiba began, leaning back, "I didn't actually know or care about this thirty seconds ago, but now for some reason I care. So we need to know. Today. Right now, in fact. Like, now. Fucking now." Kiba sat up again, eyes set, brow firm, butt clenched. He then said the stupidest thing he had ever said. "Naruto, set someone on fi - OH GOD BLARG"

"UU-UU-UUU-AAH-AAH."

END

an/ old chapter 2 (patchwork girlfriend) removed because it was pretty blarg.