Chapter 30

Anna snuggled deeper into the bed and closed her eyes. Space and time, space and time she repeated to herself until she feel into a restless sleep, spending most of the night tossing and turning. She didn't feel overly well but she knew that Doug was tired and she wasn't going to wake him up. She glanced at the clock, enough time had passed so she reached and took two more percocets. She laid there watching the time pass. She couldn't get back to sleep no matter how hard she tried. It was quarter after 6 now. She got up and quietly walked down the hallway and down the stairs. She pulled the quilt off the couch from where her and Doug had been laying earlier that night. She walked out the siding glass door, a fresh layer of snow laid on the ground there was a small sliver of a moon that made the snow sparkle she leaned against the pillar that was there and just stared at it as she wrapped the quilt tightly around her to keep the cold at bay.

Doug didn't sleep well, but he slept. his dreams were of the what if's of the previous day. he woke with a start when he heard a small noise that came from downstairs. it took him a moment to gather the strength to look at the clock. it was a little past six. Doug found a sweatshirt and walked into the hall to check on Anna. he found no one in her room so he walked downstairs. it took him a moment to figure out where she had gone, but he saw part of her through the window. he opened the door and shivered as the cold wind caught him off guard. he wrapped his arms around himself to try to stay warm in just what he was wearing. "Damn Anna it's cold out here, what are you doing? There are better places to be alone."

"It's beautiful out here." She said standing back up. She turned and walked back into the house. "I needed to clear my head Doug. I'm used to the rollercoaster but not like that." She put her hands on the edge of the couch to steady herself, she let go over everything that had been eating at her, 'I feel so alive when I'm with you and you are special to me, things just seem so complicated right now. There's no easy fix for this. You have your problems and I have mine. After four years of fighting and bickering, the name calling his abusive behavior when he was high or drunk, I threw in the towel, I walked away. I have failed as a wife, god knows I tried everything that I could but it wasn't ever enough. I know that phone call is coming; the only difference this time is that I don't know which one it's going to be this time. I don't know if he'll go off and OD and I'll get the phone call that I have to ID him, or if it will be that same phone call I have gotten time and time again, that he's in rehab once more and that he's sorry, he'll never do it again. The one that I fall for every time believing that yes people can change if they want to. I have never tried to change anyone Doug. Not him, not Carter, not you. All I wanted was to find the one person in this world that I was comfortable with. But the more that I look and the more that I like about it, no matter what I do, everything is so screwed up, I'm going to end up pushing the only people who care away. I keep telling myself over and over again to give you time to give you space and I'm trying Doug, I am really trying, but damn it it's hard and I won't lie it hurts to see you hurt."

Doug followed her back inside. he listened to her talk and was shocked. it sounded to him like he had hurt her more than he thought. he let her finish and thought a moment on what to say. she had been open with him and it was only fair to be the same back. "I don't know what you want me to tell you. i cant say that everything's going to be alright anymore and i cant tell you that i can just drop a seven year relationship in three days. i know my problems affect you just as much as they affect me, so I'm sorry for hurting you." Doug tried to roll back the tightness in his voice. seeing Anna be upset with him again made him want to cry. "so I'll understand if you can't deal with this anymore. i don't expect you to. just tell me what you want from me, cause i cant go through much more of this."

"I do want to deal with this Doug. It's not you that I am upset with. You are not the one that I am angry with. I needed to vent before I exploded. I...I..."

Doug rolled his eyes. He needed to get out; he didn't understand where all of this was coming from. everything seemed to be ok last night. he couldn't believe that this could be because he didn't sleep with her last night. he threw his hands up. "I'm outta here." he walked out the back door to carter's basketball court and picked up the ball. the wind knocked his bare legs, it was way to cold to be out in shorts but he didn't know what else to do.

She was frustrated now. He wasn't understanding that this wasn't about him. She stood there for a minute before she took her wedding ring off and threw it across the room. She went upstairs. She dug threw what belongings that she had brought back from the hospital, she found her cell phone and her pager in the bottom of the bag still in her lab coat pocket where she kept them. She didn't know what she was doing. but she dumped the contents of the bag on the bed. This was insane. She had no car; her driver's license was in her purse in the car that was in a pound somewhere. She needed air; her throat was starting to collapse on her making it hard to breathe. She sat down on the bed. The last two days all she had done was run, and now here she was thinking about doing it again.

Doug shot the ball a few times. he ran up the court to do a lay-up but went too fast. he slipped on the wet concrete and landed on his back. "Damn It!" he screamed as loud as he could. He stayed down and tried to assess his injury. it didn't take him long to realize he was fine. he sat up and put his head between his knees. he didn't understand how he could manage to mess up his relationship with two different people in two days. "this is why i shouldn't have done anything with Anna." he said out loud. "how could i be so stupid?"

She had heard him scream and ran down the stairs. But she had stopped dead in her tracks hearing his words. She stood looking at the basketball court where Doug was on the ground. The wind was whipping across her bare arms now. "Please tell me you don't really mean what you just said. I meant what I said about this not being about you Doug. The reason I didn't say anything before this morning is because I hadn't had time to adjust to everything, I hadn't thought about any of it. "She threw her head back, "what did you honestly think that all of a sudden I was mad at you because you didn't sleep with me last night? Is that what you think?"

Doug shot his head up; he didn't realize Anna had heard what he'd said. he buried his head back into his sweatshirt. "i don't know..." he said in a whisper. he threw his hands back and laid back down on the court. "i don't know what i was thinking! you're right, I'm wrong...i think everything's about me...I'm such a bad person...there ya go!" it only took him a second to realize he was yelling at her. he knew he had to fix it. "look Anna, that's not what i mean, I'm just a little messed up today ok?" he slowly stood but didn't walk over to her. "its just confusing for me. i don't know how to act around you...I'm not sure if you want a friend, a doctor, or a boyfriend. after all you are still married to max."

Anna ran her hands threw her hair, "I don't need a doctor Doug, I am one, but friends are far and few between. What I want from you is what you are willing to give me. Be it as your friend or something more. No one has ever taken my breath away like you did. But you're right I am still married to Max and there isn't a damn thing I can do about that right now. Does it really matter to you that I am married? Does that little piece of paper mean that much? The ball is in your court Dr. Ross. I'll be inside, it's freezing out here."

Doug hated being called by his whole name. Carol always seemed to do it when she was mad at him. He watched Anna go back inside and stood where he was. It was cold outside and he couldn't very well stay out in shorts and a sweatshirt for very much longer. Soon enough he decided to bite the bullet and go inside. He shut the door and walked over to find Anna. "The truth is it does matter that you're married. I have always wanted to be someone's husband. For a long time I thought it was with Carol, now I doubt it...but that's special to me. It means something." Doug kicked the ground, he was going to say it and he hoped Anna wouldn't take it the wrong way. "The truth of the matter is I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of my problems, and I'm tired of yours. If we have a chance at anything we've got to start over."

She nodded, "I want that Doug." She reached out for his hand. "I want us to stand a chance."

Doug didn't take her hand; instead he looked up at her sheepishly. "I need to get warmed up; my core temperature dropped ten degrees while I was out there." Doug walked past her and towards the stairs. "Let me take a shower, I'll catch you in a little bit." Even though he had made things right with Anna he still needed some time alone. A shower was the best excuse he could think of since he didn't think Anna would follow him there. "Why don't you eat something, alright?"

"Uh yeah." She said. Watching him walk up the stairs. She waiting until she knew he was up the stairs and then snuggled under the quilt that was on the couch and closed her eyes. A short nap was all she needed and since he was going to be in the shower it wouldn't hurt.

Doug let the water run over his head. He was still pretty tired physically but most of all he was emotionally drained. He got out and put on some jeans and his shirt. he walked down the stairs and saw Anna was sleeping on the couch. "Not a bad idea" he thought. after all of this it was still only a little after seven. he walked over to the couch and laid his wet head on her lap. the shower had only made him colder so he brought his knees to his chest to keep warm.

Anna stirred feeling a head on her lap. She sleepily lifted the quilt up feeling someone shivering, and then happily dozed back off again. She was tired and it felt good to actually be getting a restful sleep after airing what had been bothering her.