"No way." Kiba said. "That is not possible."

Sasuke shook his head, expression dour as if he were at that moment, somehow feeling bad for Kiba. "Think of everything, literally everything he's ever done. You know it's true."

"Fuck you it's true. It can't be true!" Kiba said, and stood, overcome with passion. "He's my goddamn best friend! What the hell does that say about me that he's my best friend if that's true!"

The logical fallacies caressed Sasuke's ego like an ornery lover. Sasuke ignored them because he was Sasuke. "I'm sorry, man. I am. Well, I mean, I'm not. Not really, at all. Even a little. But - it's true either way."

"Naruto is not retarded!"

"Books. Hand-eye coordination. Social skills. Basic math. He knows none of these things." Sasuke ticked off his fingers one by one, the resulting bird-flipping pissed off Kiba more than he could ever express.

"I saw him with a book yesterday." Kiba ground out.

"Porn." Said Sasuke. "Disgusting, disgusting porn."

"The articles-"

"If he was reading the articles we would both respect him even less, you know this."

Kiba's face scrunched up and he ground his fist onto his desk. Goddamn Naruto's illiteracy. "There's – he lives alone. Alone, man. He'd be dead."

"He should be dead." Sasuke said, plainly. "Literally, he should be dead right now. He eats nothing but ramen – salt and carbs. And chalk. Remember? Remember when we convinced him that it was candy?"

"Th… Bu… H-" Kiba made noises.

"The whole thing, Kiba. He ate the entire bucket of chalk. All of it."

"Hey you can't – He-"

"Twenty four pieces, two pounds. Two pounds of chalk, Kiba."

"Maybe!" Kiba began about thirty decibels too loud, and reigned it in before he broke anything, "It tasted – good! To him because you don't know! If his tongue is different! Than yours because fuck you!"

Kiba's stupidity was giving Sasuke a contact high. Sasuke took a moment to collect himself. "What you just said is stupid, so I am ignoring it." He said. "If you pretended that he wasn't your friend for a moment, which should be easy because we all hate each other, you'd realize how obvious this is."

"I don't have to true pretend if fuck you!" Kiba said. "Furthermore – I prove that – not. Retarded! Now!"

The walls had lost a good bit of paint to what seemed to be a horde of raccoons since they'd last visited Naruto's apartment, like it been sight to the world's furriest, scratchiest war. Kiba performed a tuck-and-roll maneuver, and some time during the period where he rolled onto his back and ended up on his feet, Sasuke had walked over and peered in through the window.

"I think he forgot how time works again." Sasuke said.

Kiba stumbled up and over and smashed his face against the window, cracking the glass a bit. Naruto was on his couch in his pajamas, watching tv.

"Uh." Kiba said, "maybe he just didn't want to go in tod-"

"I have like three years before class starts!" Naruto said, ostensibly to himself. "This is awesome!"

"Why would he…" Kiba trailed off, feeling somehow let down. He turned to Sasuke and said, "Well either way, he doesn't forget all the time. I mean, this only happens like once a week."

"... Now he is eating mashed potatoes." Sasuke said.

Kiba turned. Apparently, some time during the period where Kiba had looked over at Sasuke and then looked back, Naruto had gotten a tub of mashed potatoes, and was now shoveling them into his mouth at an incredible pace.

"No. Naruto, don't." Kiba shook his head. "You're – no don't DON'T-"

Naruto plopped a spoonful onto the potted plant on his coffee table.

"I'm not sorry, Kiba." Sasuke admitted. "But you needed to know or something."

"Why would he – Wait… Wh."

The dollop of mashed potatoes sunk into to the soil like water, the leaves taking on a vibrant green hue like a time-lapse shot of a sprouting fern. "Excellent, Minnistroné," Naruto said with an inexplicably Italian accent, "Grow beeg and strung."

"What the fuck!?"

"Ignore it." Sasuke said, grabbing Kiba's shoulder and turning him away from the madness. "We'll deal with that later, right now you need to accept the truth. Naruto. Is. A retard. Accept it."

"That's not true!" Kiba said, tears biting at the corners of his eyes, "That's impossible!" He tore away from Sasuke's hand and moved to the window.

Naruto's plant had kept growing, up to the ceiling and out to the floor, leaves like dinner plates, stem thickening to the girth of his arm. Naruto stood and watched it, making beckoning gestures, an eerie smile on his face. "GUUD MINNISTRONNÉ!" He bellowed, "GUUD!"

"Oh what the fuuuuuh." Kiba was exasperated if anything. Naruto had grabbed his tub of mashed potatoes and was chucking handfuls at the growing plant. "Why Naruto. Why."

Sasuke sighed like he was somehow saddened by the sight before him. "You need to admit it, if only to yourself. Say it."

"No." Kiba said reflexively, and turned from the window. "No. He's not, I just know it."

"WA- N – MINNISTRONNÉ WHAT ARE YOU DUUING? NO – MINNISTRONNÉ NOOOOOOOOON!"

Naruto's dessicated corpse exploded through the window and over the railing.

A distant thump punctuated Kiba's proclamation. "I'm leaving" he said, and started down the stairs.

"Naruto is a retard." Sasuke called after him.

"Nope."

END