"Why is it always us?"

Kiba's question wasn't directed at anyone. Nevertheless Sasuke felt compelled to answer it, in some capacity. He looked at Kiba. Kiba looked at him.

Sasuke spit in Kiba's face. Metaphorically. "Because you are worthless, and I am the only one willing to physically and painfully restrain him."

"Pheh." Said Kiba. "Pheh."

Then they were standing at the base of Naruto's apartment complex, the thing seeming to stretch up into the clouds. Sasuke cracked his knuckles. Kiba sneezed.

Up the stairs next; every step an ominous creak, every turn heartpounding. More than once they were forced to retreat around a corner as a bum, drunk, or extraordinarily large raccoon tripped and rolled down the stairs at them.

Halfway up the complex a stair gave beneath Kiba's foot, and he fell through. He caught the railing though only barely, and started calling for help. Sasuke tried to go on without him but Kiba eventually realized that he could just let go and drop about three feet to the flight beneath.

On the seventh flight they came upon an impasse. A raccoon sat in the exact middle of the stairs, watching them intently. Neither one of them wanted to go near it or touch it, but still expected the other to do so in their place. So they stood and stared at a raccoon for three minutes, the raccoon staring back, unblinking, unmoving.

Then the raccoon drew a paw across its throat and pointed at Sasuke. Sasuke blew a fireball at it.

On the eighth flight another raccoon barred their way by virtue of being a raccoon. It tried to make them answer a riddle but Sasuke blew another fireball.

Then at last they stood before Naruto's door, both feeling more unmotivated than they'd ever been in their entire lives.

"I could burn it down, you know." Sasuke said, quietly.

"It'd probably give him superpowers." Kiba replied, and knocked. "Naruto," he called, "Iruka sent us to get you. It's been two days and he's a little worried that you died."

No response. Kiba knocked again, harder, while Sasuke peered in through the window. It was dark in Naruto's apartment, the only light the sun at his back. He could see what looked like Naruto's hair poking out from under his bed, though it could have just been that damn Decoy Naruto Doll he'd made a few weeks back. "He's under the bed, maybe." Sasuke said. "Hard to tell with him."

Kiba glanced at him. "What, again? Alright." He banged on the door. "Naruto, I and everyone with a brain knows that your door doesn't lock. We're coming in, so if you're doing something shameful prepare to get laughed at."

Kiba opened the door and they stepped inside. Immediately they noticed something odd in the air, but it was hard to place. Just vague, shapeless dread. Sasuke and Kiba shared a glance and approached the bed.

"Naruto, if that's your Decoy Doll I'm setting it on fire." Said Sasuke. It turned out to be Naruto beneath his bed, because the boy poked out his head long enough to frantically shush them both.

"What is this." Said Kiba. "What are you doing."

"Shhh!" Another shush from Naruto.

Sasuke grimaced, feeling the completely rational urge to spit fireballs bubble in his gut. "Naruto, get out from under there. We're going to class. All of us. Now."

"Keep your goddamn voice down." Naruto whispered frantically. "It'll hear you."

They both sighed. Kiba said, "what will hear us, Naruto?"

Naruto looked both ways before he spoke, as if he were about to cross the street of language. "the spider."

"The spider?"

"Shh." Naruto shushed them a third time. "Yes, the spider. It's in here. With us. Watching."

"And you chose to hide beneath your bed?" Said Sasuke.

"More importantly" Kiba said, "you pulled this same shit a week ago and it turned out to be a fucking aphid."

"I know what I saw." Naruto hissed. "It is big. A big spider. It got Decoy Doll Naruto, It took him from me."

"Good." Sasuke said. "I'm glad."

Kiba crossed his arms, feeling put out with the entire situation. "Naruto, if there is a spider, just walk out with us right now. Just literally walk out. We got in. The door is right there, like six feet away."

"It's here." Naruto said. "I know it is. It wants me to try and escape. Just like Decoy Doll Naruto did."

Sasuke was about to insult Naruto's intelligence while simultaneously harming him, physically, when a commotion came from behind them, and Sasuke and Kiba both turned to look.

A smoldering raccoon charged in through the open door, and rose up on its hind legs. It took stock of them and roared with the voice of a god, "you didst not answereth mine riddle, heathen! Whatst beith beige and maroon and reeketh of swine-

A spider the size of a dresser dropped down from the shadows of the ceiling and fell upon the raccoon, which went silent at once.

Sasuke and Kiba didn't say or do anything. Only stared blankly at the spider as it picked up the raccoon with its forceps and dragged it into the bathroom, the raccoon's claws screeching occasionally as they caught on Naruto's floor.

Sasuke and Kiba blinked, and glanced at each other, and a long moment passed where neither was sure what to say or do. Then Kiba's head tilted back to allow the full measure of his lungs to come to bear in his shriek. Sasuke jammed his fist in Kiba's mouth before he could so much as inhale, albeit while making a sound much like a bleating goat himself. Then Naruto leapt into action, grabbing them both by their ankles and pulling them beneath the bed.

"Fuck fuck fuck." Said Kiba around Sasuke's fist. "Fuuuuuuuu-"

"Shut up." Sasuke bleated. "Shu-uh-uh-uh-utup."

"Shh both of you." Naruto hissed. "keep your voices down. It knows you're here now. It won't forget. But that's no reason to call attention to yourselves."

Sasuke wrenched his fist from Kiba's mouth, having deemed him ready to control his voice.

"What do we do?" Kiba said and worked his jaw, "what the hell do we do?"

"We live." Naruto replied. "We stay quiet, and we live under my bed for the rest of our lives."

"OhGODNO-" Sasuke jammed his hand in Kiba's mouth again. A sound came from the bathroom, an odd chittering sort of noise, and the group fell silent for a long moment until the noise faded again. "You keep your dirty whore voice down, Kiba." Sasuke ground out. "Naruto, have you been hiding from it this whole time? Two days?"

"Yes." Naruto nodded. "Hiding. Watching. Waiting. Decoy Doll Naruto lacked patience, he tried to breach the perimeter." Naruto's fist clenched unconsciously. "It ate his doll goo. Ate it right in front of me."

"…Doll goo-"

"Not now." Sasuke interrupted. "Naruto we don't have the ability to subsist on dust and what looks like your own clothes like you do. We need to get out of here."

"You sound just like Decoy Doll Naruto did." Naruto said, tough, jaded. Like he'd seen it all before. "And it ate the goddamn Doll goo right out of his goddamn Doll goo-sac."

"What the fuck are you saying!" Kiba snapped.

Chittering came from the bathroom, and they fell silent as legs like bedposts thumped along the floor in front of them. Paused for a moment, then more clicks. Wet noises. Something dropped down in front of them. Decoy-Doll Naruto's wig, but it was wet with Doll-goo and digestive fluids. The legs vanished out of sight, and the three took a breath they were painfully aware they'd been holding.

"That sick fuck." Naruto spoke first.

"We need to get the hell out of here." Kiba spoke second.

"We need a plan." Sasuke went last. "Maybe a distraction? We throw something and run while its attention is elsewhere."

"Throw what." Said Kiba.

"Of course, our clothes." Naruto contributed, immediately yanking off his pants and hurling them through the window before anyone could stop him. Not even a chitter sounded for his efforts. "My legs are cold, guys."

"Plan B." Sasuke continued, "maybe we can reason with it? Find out what it wants, maybe make a deal."

Naruto shook his head. "You can't."

"We can try." Said Kiba, and he racked his brain for a moment, trying to think of things that spiders would want. "What do we have to offer?"

"…Ourselves." Sasuke muttered ominously. "Only ourselves, and what we have on us."

Kiba picked up on the subtext within milliseconds, and clamped onto the bedframe just in time. Naruto was not likewise prepared, and was launched from beneath the bed as if he'd had a running start.

Naruto shrieked. But then he ran out of breath, and laid for there for a bit, quietly. He got a feel for his limbs; namely that they were still there, and hesitantly stood as Kiba and Sasuke looked on.

Naruto looked down at himself, then around, then at the open door. He turned back to Sasuke and Kiba. "Uh. Well, I-OH GOD BLARG

Naruto fell beneath a wave of black hair and glowing eyes. Kiba and Sasuke emerged from beneath the bed, blocked in by the scuffle but ready to run. They couldn't tell exactly what was happening. Legs were thumping down, fingers clawing, hands punching, fangs snapping.

"Oh god help me!" Naruto screamed from beneath the spider. "Help me it's raping me!"

"No, Naruto!" Kiba shouted back, "No, It's only eating you!"

"No it's raping me! Why does every animal I meet try to rape me!"

"It's eating you!"

"No means Nooooo-!"

Sasuke blew a fireball at Naruto, hitting the spider by accident. The thing immediately and violently exploded, covering the three with chunks of exoskeleton and green fluid.

Sasuke and Kiba stood like that for some time, coming to terms with their situation.

Naruto remained on his back. Weeping. "Fucking Decoy Doll Naruto," he sobbed. "You. Have been. Avenged."

Sasuke very slowly pinched the bridge of his nose.

END

an: oh god I really wrote this.