Naruto said nothing as Kiba and Sasuke stood before him. His eyes remained closed, hands gently clacking along a string of prayer beads; his unmoving shoulders clothed in robe. Naruto remained sitting, cross-legged in his chair. "Aaaaahm." He said.
Sasuke spit in his face. Literally. "Fuck you." He said, and the glob of spit dribbled down Naruto's face as he seethed over to his seat by the window.
"Yes, you would say that with your tiny, unenlightened mind," Naruto called after him sedately, then turned to Kiba. "fret not, dear Kibbers, for I have been to the mountaintop, and drank from the fountain of knowledge, and sat upon the face of hey - hey! Fucking get back here!"
"No." Said Kiba, and he sat down a few rows back in another of the window-seats.
"Kibbleton," Naruto said sternly, a calm washing over him once again, "aren't you curious about my sexy robes?"
"No."
"Ah, but Kiba-the-hut, aren't you wondering about my luscious, full head of where am I going with this. Basically," Naruto said, "I found the lord."
"Is this gonna be one of those days?" Said Kiba. "Because I hate those days. They make me sad."
"You need not be ailed with little bitch tears when you have found enlightenment, Kibaruski." Naruto said. "Come, sit beside me and I will tell you of our savior."
"I may kill you today." Sasuke said. "Maybe."
Kiba shook his head. "Even if you weren't especially insane today I still wouldn't sit near you."
"And that is why you fail." Naruto said. "I mean. Dude, you should totally invite the savior into your ladyparts. It'd be mega awesome Kibarasama."
"I-"
"Ta."
"No."
"It's not a cult this time I swear."
"I don't think you're qualified to swear."
Naruto rested his prayer beads on his desk. "I will tell you the tale of my enlightenment, and you will understand."
"I doubt that."
"I was resting, meditating." Naruto began, " just last night or yesterday or whenever."
Naruto rested in a post-ramen-binge bliss, flat on his back in his apartment. He, for the second time that hour, wondered what it would be like to be a snake. He considered wiggling around with his arms and legs at his sides, but the last time he'd done that it ended in a double-homicide so he figured he'd better not. It was night, cold, the two working bulbs in his apartment cast a gloomy, clammy sort of light over his couch and dining table.
"I'm hungry." Naruto said, brushing empty ramen containers off his chest as he worked himself up. "Flame on!" Flames erupted from his body and propelled him to his fridge, whereupon they vanished from whence they came. "Fridge on!" He roared. The fridge sat there like an asshole.
"Fuck you fridge!" Naruto said, "Why won't my magic work on you!" He then realized he didn't even need anything from the fridge, and pulled another plastic ramen tin from the crate he'd purchased a month back. He boiled the water, burned himself on the kettle, cursed, challenged it to a duel, lost, then finally sat and started eating.
"Oi, kid." The ramen said; its noodles swirling and clumping together into a pair of lips.
"What?" said Naruto.
"Have you heard the good news?"
"Golly gee nipple-hardening willickers, what news ramen man?"
"Why the news about the lord, my dear boy." The ramen said. "The lord Gulhsthlsha." All the glass in his house splintered at the sound.
"Gulhsthlsha?" Naruto said, and he felt a piece of himself shrivel. And then it was gone, and he was less. But there was something else there now. A piece of something else. He could feel it. Like the sickly, sticky wet of seaweed draped down his spine. "What news, good ramen?"
"Why the lord is returning of course." Said the ramen. "And he is hungry for the souls of the innocent."
"Capital Wowzers, that is good news!" Naruto said. Yes, it was good news wasn't it. His lord would smile upon him when he crossed into this world. "What can I do to help?"
"Why, find some followers of course. And sacrifice them in his name!"
"Golly!"
"And then it was now." Naruto said. "And then I GahfawolsFUWOLOSOQU-" Darkness erupted from him and killed everyone. The end.
an: eh.