Through some twisted form of Pavlovian conditioning Sasuke found himself grinding his teeth at the mere sight of Naruto in an orange formal suit. He tried to look away, concern his mind with other things, but the color held his eyes , and a bead of blood dribbled from his nose down his chin.

Kiba noticed that Sasuke was looking especially crazy that morning, and deduced even before he turned around what was behind him.

Naruto stood there, in formal wear, cane in hand. He spoke. "I find myself amidst the trial of temptation, held betwixt a temptress and the inevitable human frailty with nary a thought or ruse for recompense. And so I find I must beseech thee: Kibbleton, Sasukuruzulah; would'st thou aid me in my journey?"

Kiba said "Wut."

"Help me seduce Sakura, dipshit. I got the suit and cane, so like. I figure I'm halfway there. But I need a braintrust right now, okay? Seriously."

"Girls like massive head wounds, don't they Kiba?" Sasuke said. "I hear they're all the rage."

Kiba gave an aside to Sasuke, "remember what happened with the fireball? You'll only make him stronger." Then he turned to Naruto. "Explain the logic of the suit please."

"Right?" Naruto said. "Ok great. So like, what else can I do? I mean. I already shaved. Like, everywhere. I mean I pulled them apart and-"

"Silence." Sasuke said. Then added, "uh. Girls… like a guy who can listen."

Naruto said, "and I really just dug in there-"

"All the time." Sasuke continued. "To everything they say and do without interrupting them ever."

"Yeah." Kiba waved, "but back to the orange suit and the cane real quick. Who… Like, why?"

"Good job." Naruto said. "So I mean, I like. I've done everything I can to myself. So, come on, hit me. What else?"

"The suit."

"Right? Totally."

"You're not answering anything!"

"Girls like corpses, don't they Kiba?" Sasuke said. "Everyone loves corpses."

"No. Just." Kiba grasped at straws. "Flowers. Goddamn. Flowers and shit. Shit in the flowers. Whatever."

"Pull it out." Sasuke said. "Walk up and show it to her. Make sure to jiggle it around girls are totally into that."

"All good suggestions." Naruto said. "Alright, thanks guys." He caught a flash of pink from the corner of his eye and straightened, preening some creases out of his formal wear. "Oh shit here she comes."

"You know what to do." Sasuke said. "Go. Now."

"I'm so goddamn pumped you don't even know." Naruto said. Then he strutted over to Sakura, catching her before she could take her seat. He spun his cane beneath his arm, and tipped his hat to her.

"Good morning SakurAUUUULG-" Naruto vomited in Sakura's face so hard he knocked her over.

"Holy shit god no!" Sakura cried out, trying to claw a hole in the floor. Naruto read the atmosphere and quickly tore off his pants, assured his furious and somewhat painful gyrations would soothe the savage beast. Sakura mule-kicked him in the crotch so hard that he died instantly.

end

an: my spaghetti runneth over.

also I would rather fight a very large spider than that very same spider's weight in tiny spiders.