Sasuke was dreaming. His brother was there, smirking out of reach. His legs were heavy with dream-molasses, arms weighted down by fear. He was also hungry to the point of near debilitation. "Asshole." Sasuke called out, voice warbling down the hall as though he were in a looping cave; all tin and echo. "Get over here and smash your face against my fist."

"… No." Itachi said. "I'm too busy killing everyone you love and stuff."

"Fuck you." Sasuke pulled a boomerang from his pocket and wound up for a magnificent throw.

"Listen." Itachi said. "Sasuke, listen."

"Fuck you get out of my earholes." the boomerang whipped from his hand with a sound like a cracked whip. Itachi deflected it with a nicely timed pelvic thrust.

"Listen!" Itachi said again, "listen!"

"I do what I want."

"You fucking listen!" Naruto's voice roared in his ear. Sasuke seized awake and out of bed to the cold floor. "Fuck you Naruto!" He immediately shot back, even half-delirious and fresh from sleep. "Get out of my house!"

"Listen!" Naruto said, and fluttered into view before Sasuke's face. He was much smaller than Sasuke remembered, only a few inches in height, and two luminous orange wings jutted from his back. "Dipshit listen to me right goddamn now!"

"What." Sasuke said.

"Come on." Naruto shot to the door in a swirling beam of orange. "Out the door, we have to start the adventure right goddamn now."

"I'm going back to bed."

"I will rape you!" Naruto roared, "I will rape you right in your butthole if you don't follow me this instant!"

"Shit. Alright, just stop yelling." Sasuke groaned and stood. He looked down and saw what he was wearing. Some green tunic and burlap pants. And his room was different, just an empty box of wood and a bed, and huge ornamental vases everywhere. A deep and instinctive hatred filled him at the sight of them. He shook out his head and started for the door, where Naruto waited impatiently, fluttering about in orange circles and cursing under his breath.

"Come on. Fuck. Don't forget to shake out your vagina. Because you're a girl. And girls have those things."

"Very good." Sasuke said as they started out into the beyond. "They do have those things. Good job."

"Come on. We have to see the old guy or whatever." Naruto shot off into the village, leaving a clear hanging trail behind him. Sasuke followed it absently. He wondered if Konoha had always been so rural. There weren't many other houses, and they were simple one-room cabins themselves, framed by grass and trees, and far beyond were rolling hills and seagulls. It was scenic and calming. He came to the elder guy's house, and seeing no alternative let himself in.

"Hey what the fuck!" An old man inside shouted at the sight of him, "the shit are you doing in here!"

Sasuke tilted his head, "I was-"

"Just letting yourself in like a jackass? Yeah I noticed."

Sasuke sighed. "Whatever. I'll just leave then." He turned to go.

"Hey asshole, wait; it's dangerous to go alone. Take this!"

Sasuke turned back and a ripe fruit exploded in his face.

The old man palmed another fruit. "Why don't you take all my money while you're at it, shithead!" He threw the fruit. Sasuke let it flop down his face. "How about you break all my fucking vases too, asshole!"

Sasuke turned to leave.

"You forgot the sword or whatever."

Sasuke turned and the hilt of a finely made sword cracked him across the face. Seeing nothing else for it, he picked up the sword and ventured outside again. Naruto was waiting for him there.

"Finally. Jesus – your vagina catch on something?"

"Yes."

"I… Fuck you. Come on, there's stuff to do or whatever."

Naruto led him off into the woods. Mostly woods, there were rocks and streams and hidden caverns everywhere; Sasuke wasn't sure where they were going, and they passed by obvious treasures left and right. Still he went with it, mostly because he figured he was still dreaming.

They came upon a flat-topped rock in a clearing, with a slot in the top of the rock. Sasuke implied the rest and approached it, sword in hand. He reared back for a down-thrust.

"Whoa whoa!" Naruto fluttered in front of his face, arms spread wide. "Stop, man! The fuck are you doing!"

"This is obviously for the sword." Sasuke said, and held the sword up for Naruto to see.

"No it's not." The sword said. The front of Kiba's face poked out from the flat of the blade. "I mean, no I'm not. Idiot."

"It's clearly not." Naruto said. "Look at the hole. It's thin and rectangular, that sword will never fit in that small square hole dipshit!"

"Duh." Kiba's face said. "What are you, stupid?"

"Well what's it for th-"

"Put your dick in the stone." Naruto said.

Sasuke said, "What?"

"Put. Your dick. In the stone." Naruto reiterated tensely, "Right. Now."

"Yeah see? Right now." Kiba said.

"I'm not doing that."

"Do you want me to violate you?" Naruto said. "Is that something you want?"

"No."

Naruto buzzed closer to Sasuke's face. "Are you sure? Because it seems like you really want that. Hey master sword, is he asking for it?"

"Well he would be." Kiba's face said. "Unless he were to stick his dick in the stone. Then he'd be super cool."

Sasuke said, "Even if I did it'd just mash-"

"Believe in the heart of the cards!" Naruto crowed at him, "Fuck damn, just do it poser!"

"Activate your Redline!" Kiba said, "and turbo-boost into our hearts! And also that rock!"

"…Even if it were cold out," Sasuke said, "the mechanics just aren't-"

"It's your destiny." Naruto said, "you are the chosen one; they're after you! Follow the white rabbit! Quick, stick your dick in this rock!"

"Hey doesn't that rock sort of look like a vagina?" Kiba said, "Right? This doing anything for you?"

"That slot is at most a half-inch wide." Sasuke said.

"You know what else is half an inch wide?" Naruto said, "loving my country. I mean – your butthole. Before-"

"I'm literally the most trustworthy sword for miles." Kiba said, "just put your dick in the stone, okay?"

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Alright, fuck it. Move over Naruto."

"Yes." Naruto said. "Yes."

Awkward positioning followed. Sasuke went at it at a few different angles; for a short while. Naruto chimed in a few times, with comments on technique and the current windspeed and air humidity and the like.

Then Kiba abruptly went up in heaving laughter. "I can't hold it oh my shit he's actually doing it."

Naruto went off too. "I know!"

Before Sasuke could reply a blond girl in regal robes emerged from the brush. "Hey what the fuck are you doing!"

Sasuke quickly pulled his pants up. "Oh I uh- no-"

"Were you having sex with that rock?"

"N-"

"Alas, fair maiden," Naruto fluttered to her side, "this man was indeed shamwowing that rock. Bamboozling it, as it were. With his lincoln logs. With his tiddly winks. Yahtzee."

"We tried to stop him," the Kiba Sword called out, "but he wouldn't listen. Couldn't control his degenerate urges."

"Why I bet this very moment he's dreaming of – of smacking your firm buttocks with his hand." Naruto said, "Or perhaps squeezing them, or even flying up your dress with his tiny orange wings – what a scoundrel, eh princess? I bet he wipes back to front."

"Hey, princess or whoever!" The Kiba Sword called, "I'd rather serve you than this jackass. Come over and pick me up, and store me in your cleavage."

She did. Then she and Kiba and Naruto vanished into the brush and wished away on an epic journey of bombs and woe and vases.

Sasuke sighed.

Deep down, he knew it was somehow Itachi's fault.

end

an:so much class in one place, I know. this thing exploded out of me and it got all over my keyboard.

also pretty sure this is too stupid to post.