Chapter 38

Carol walked back to the ER. The snow was starting to come down harder now. She had taken and dropped the girls off with her mother. She wasn't on for the second half of her shift for another half hour. She sat down on the bench outside the ER and put her head in her hands. Things weren't the way they were supposed to be. She had been miserable with out Doug. She found her mind drifting back to him once again as she let the tears fall.

Luka caught his breath. "Danjella," he whispered as he saw the vision crying on the bench. He shook his head, it couldn't' be Danjella, she was gone. But this damsel in front of him was the spitting image of her. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to the beauty. "May I sit, he asked.

Carol looked up at him, "yes, and thank you."

Luka could barely breath. Even though her voice sounded nothing of her. "Is there something I can do to help?"

Carol sobbed, "it's just that, the guy I was dating well, it's all a mess and well he kissed another woman in front of me after we got into a fight, he says that there's nothing else to it, but I have this feeling there is. It wouldn't be the first time that he did it. And now here I am sitting outside where I work crying to a total stranger. All because I thought he needed to talk to someone."

"Sometimes a stranger is the easiest person to talk to," Luka said in his soft accent. "Please dry your eyes; it pains me to see someone so lovely cry."

"Oh that is the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a long time." Carol said as she dabbed at her eyes, "I'm Carol Hathaway and you are?"

"My name is Luka Kovac. And I am the moonlighter here," he said, his gaze drawn to her lips. "And did I hear correctly, you work here as well."

"Yeah, I'm an ER nurse." She said looking at how handsome he was, yet so different from Doug. She was drawn into his deep eyes and his accent was so soothing.

Luka had to restrain himself from being to familiar with her. He longed to brush the tears from her eyes. "I look forward to getting to know you better then."

"And I you, Dr. Kovac," Carol said to him, "or may I call you Luka?" She asked him as the snowflakes fell all around her. "Come on let's go inside before they have to treat both of us in the ER."

"Feel free to call me Luka," he said standing, and then holding his hand out to help her up.

Carol took his hand and stood up. She walked into the ER with him. The stood in front of the admit desk now. She thought that she saw Doug standing over by the suture room, but she had checked the schedule and it said that he was off tonight. She looked up into the dark mysterious doctors eyes, and was overwhelmed with this feeling. She was drawn into his eyes She leaned closer into him, "thank you." She said as she brought her lips down onto his and kissed him.

Luka pulled her tighter into his arms, she felt so perfect there. His lips caressed hers softly, reverently.

Carol melted into his arms under his kiss. It felt so right. She didn't want it to end. Doug didn't even make her feel this way anymore. She pulled back away from him smiling as she looked on him, "I have to get to work. Would you like to have coffee after work?"

"It would be my pleasure." Luka said, brushing her hand as she started to move away.

"I look forward to it Luka." Carol said as she moved towards the lounge to put her things away and start her shift. Maybe there was life after Doug.

Luka watched her walk away, with the grace of a goddess. He then turned and tried to focus on work again.

Doug smiled at Kerry. "thanks again. I'll probably hang around here for awhile." he walked over to the admit desk to find something to do when he saw the new man he had seen in the lounge. "hey" he said stick his hand out. "I'm Doug Ross. sorry about...before. i don't usually come to work half dressed." he joked. "it was just...never mind. are you new?"

Carol put her things away in the lounge. She leaned against the lockers, her head still spinning from Luka's kiss. A smile crossed her lips as she picked up her stethoscope and put it around her neck. "Just get through your shift Carol." She said to herself before heading back out into the ER. She found herself frozen in the lounge door looking at the admit desk. There stood Doug and Luka, one her past, one what could be her future. There was so much that had been left unsaid between them, but there were no words for what she felt. She brought her hand up to her lips, feeling his kiss on hers. Luka had made her feel like a princess in just a few short minutes, but Doug was the father of her children. She had been rather harsh telling him that he couldn't see the girls. And she knew that was truly unfair to the three of them. Kate and Tess loved Doug, and it had been hard on all of them with him not being there. She'd have to work something out with him, for Kate and Tess's sake. But right now she couldn't be anything more than his friend, anything more her heart couldn't take. She was still reeling from his last burn. Doug couldn't change as much as she wanted him too, that wasn't to be. In her eyes, he would always be the same old Doug. She stood there just watching the two men interact with each other; she couldn't will herself to move from her spot.

John was working with the patient that he was going to send up to ct, but instead this patient, without any of his knowledge pulled out a gun and sat up. "Sir you don't want to do that" John said to him. "Just move doc, or you will get it, Keep moving" He shouted as he pushed john through the elevators and back into the hall way of The ER and then into a storage closet. He held the gun up to him. "You can't work for awhile" the man shouted. Carter just could think of Abby, just as his pager went off, and realized she had just paged him. The patient grabbed his pager and smashed it. "Ok lets get out of here."Hey if you want your one doctor here back find me seven thousand dollars or he gets it" The man said grabbing carter and still holding the gun to his head... They take off in his car. Carter hoped Abby didn't see what had just happened. He loved her so much.

"Luka Kovac," he said, shaking the other man's hand. "And I'm just a moonlighter.

Carol summoned the courage to walk over to where Doug and Luka were standing. She wrapped an arm around him. "I brought you a cup of coffee." She was smiling at him, "to tide you over until after work."

Luka smiled at Carol, feeling her warmth along his side. "How nice, but do you know how I take my coffee?" he said, trying to flirt.

Carol held out the coffee cup to him, "I'm sure that you like it sweet, because you're so sweet." She said stepping up on her tips toes to reach his sweet lips to steal a quick kiss from him.

Luka could feel heat rushing to his face. Forgetting that they were in a public place, standing in front of someone he just met, he bent his head and captured her lips once more.

Carol melted right into Luka's arms. God this man was good. So warm so sweet she could feel her breath catch in her throat from his gentleness. Carol pulled back from him her breathing now a little faster from her heart pounding in her chest. "Ohm, I should let you get back to work." She said looking up into the deep dark eyes of her mysterious foreign doctor. She had been swept off her feet by him and she didn't want it to end.

Doug's mouth dropped as he saw carol kiss Luka...this guy he had just met. he looked at the ground trying to force the tears out of his eyes. "nice to meet you." he managed to whisper out. realizing he couldn't hide it if he wanted to he looked up at carol, a tear falling down his face. 'how could she do that?' he thought to himself. even he wasn't that spiteful to do that in front of her. "I--" Doug's voice cracked from the emotion coming over him. "I guess i better go..." he looked at carol, giving her a look of heartbreak."see you carol." he walked past her wiping his face as he went. he hated crying in front of people but he couldn't help it. the things he felt for carol he knew he would never feel for anyone else, not even Anna. seeing carol move on so quickly left him feeling more alone than ever before. he had wanted to talk to her and work things out, but now he knew she had just dropped him...and for the first time in a long time, it really hurt. he hoped she knew it.

"Excuse me Luka." Carol said turning and going after Doug she caught up with him and grabbed his arm. "Doug wait."

Luka watched her go, and wondered what was going on, because there was currently more than what met the eye.

Doug tried to cover his face when she grabbed him. He didn't want her to see him so upset. He looked at the ground as another tear fell from his face. "Yeah?" he asked softly. The last thing he wanted was to get into another fight tonight.

"Doug, I'm sorry." She said to him touching his arm. She knew that she had hurt him, "but, oh hell, you are I, we're not in a good place right now. You hurt me, I hurt you, its a cycle that I don't know if we can end it. I don't want to fight with you anymore Doug. We deserve better than that, the girls deserve better than that. I can't keep doing this. There's so much going on that neither of us want to deal with. We can't push it under the rug and ignore it anymore."

Doug nodded. "I know." he said to her. "And i deserve it. I know I've been awful to you...it's just..." Doug realized they were in the hall. he didn't want to have this talk with her here. "Can we go somewhere and talk... can we go to Doc's or something? I really need to talk to you..."

"Yeah," She said to him, she was willing to listen to Doug, but she knew in her heart that there was nothing he could say that was going to fix this. "Just let me take care of something first." She said as she started to walk back over to Luka. She knew she had some explaining to do.

Doug nodded. "Alright, sure...I'll wait here."

Carol walked over to Luka and stood there silently beside him. She wasn't sure what to say to him after knowing he had witnessed that.

Luka looked at Carol, "That's him, isn't it." He said his eyes sweeping toward the other Doctor. "The one who had you in tears."

"Yes," she said softly, "that's him. I'm sorry you had to see that, he wants to talk and I well I owe him that. We have two little girls and they miss their father something awful. I haven't been fair to him, this is my fault too. I said that I would talk to him, but in my heart I know what I need to do for me and my girls. So please don't take our talking the wrong way Luka. I still want to get to know you better."

"It is important for you to talk," he said softly, "You owe it to your girls. Take your time, I will wait."

"Thank you." She said softly before heading back to Doug, "let's go. I'm on the clock so if they get slammed I have to come back." She was colder towards him than she had meant to be, but she couldn't help herself. She knew that if she let down her defenses she would let Doug sweet talk himself out of everything

Doug nodded and walked with her silently across the street. he was glad he had an extra pair of tennis shoes in his locker. He looked into Doc's and it seemed pretty crowded. "Let's just walk on the street." he said to her. Doug had gotten his emotions under control but was looking for a way to start on what he wanted to say. "Thank you for agreeing to talk to me. I know you didn't want to."

She stopped, "look it's not that I don't want to talk to you. I just don't want to get burned again Doug." She looked at him, "you and I we've got this history and no matter what I can't change where we are. I'm not going to fight Doug, I'm done fighting."

Doug stopped in front of her. "I don't want to fight." made sure his voice was soft and calm. "Look this is going to come out kind of messy but just let me finish ok?" he shifted his weight on his feet and took a breath before starting. He didn't know how long Carol had been seeing that other guy so he didn't want to jump to anything and upset her; he was just going to say what he felt. "Look, I know I don't deserve to be with you...I probably never will. I decided today that you were right. I do need some help. Before I saw that new guy I was on my way up to Dr. Meyer's office to set up an appointment." Doug shifted his weight again and stuffed his hands in his pockets, it was really cold outside. "And I know I cant fix these past few days...but I'll do anything you want. I'll never see Anna again if you ask me to. the fact is carol that i will never love anyone but you...and I've realized that. i may care for people but I'll always compare them to you. i know its not right or fair, but i cant change that. god knows I've made huge mistakes, and i don't deserve a second chance with you. but I'm asking for one anyway. i don't want to push you into anything...I'll give you some time." as hard as he tried he could feel the tightness of hurt coming back into his throat and it was hard for him to talk. "bottom line, i want you to be happy. even if its not with me. but i want you to know that I'll never care anyone as much as i do for you and our daughters." Doug reached for her hand. "I want to be the man you deserve carol. just tell me i have a chance. tell me you still feel something for me too. cause you're it carol. you're the only one I'm meant to be with." even though the tears were welling up in his eyes he tried to keep it together just long enough to hear what she had to say back.

"Doug," Carol said taking in a deep breath, "I'm not going to tell you that I don't love you, cause god knows that I do. But I'm not happy, I haven't been happy for a while now. We've been going downhill for awhile Doug and it's not getting any better. Sure we do fine for awhile but then it's the same thing all over again. We cut each other to the bone over and over again, empty promises that never come true." She wiped the tears from her eyes, "I'm tired Doug, I can't ride this rollercoaster anymore. You say you want to change, but my heart is telling me it's for all the wrong reasons. And if it's to make me and me alone happy then that is. All I can be is your friend right now. There's something missing and I don't know what it is. I know this hurts, and believe me it hurts me too, walking away from you, watching you walk away from me, it never gets any easier. I need space Doug, I need away from you for awhile. I don't know for how long, or if I am saying that this is then end for us. But I have to do this for me." Carol couldn't look him in the eyes now. "The girls they miss you and we can work something out, since we are both in Chicago. Maybe you can take them for part of the week or something. They miss you. And as for Anna." Carol winced saying her name, "that's you're decision to make not mine."

Doug just nodded. Hearing this hurt him but he knew she had that right. "Anna and i cant ever be anything more then friends. i thought we could but i don't feel anything for her like that. i would like to see Kate and Tess though. and i think it would be good if we all spent some time together too, for them." Doug would ever admit that it was for him too. "but i made the decision to see someone by myself...and I'm doing that for me. i know i have some things to work out." Doug realized she wasn't looking at him. gently he lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes. "just know that i do love you with all my heart. and ill always be here for you...no matter what." he wiped the tear from her eyes and brought his hand back down to his pocket. "I'm sorrier than you'll ever know for hurting you. you're such a special woman, you make everyone around you better...I'm a better person for knowing you." he let a grin slip onto his face. as clichéd as it sounded it was true. everyday he had spent with her had taken him one step away from becoming someone like his father.

"Maybe in time we can spend time together with the girls Doug, but right now I'm not ready for that." She said gently pulling back. He was wearing her defenses down slowly but surely, "and I'm glad that you want to change for yourself." She turned away from him, "I know that you are sorry Doug," She kicked the ground, she had heard that line years ago up on the roof when he had to leave County. "I believe you, I always have." she looked towards the hospital door, "I'm sorry that I can't put my life on hold, and promise you that I will be there for you." She remembered Luka's kiss the way that it felt. She might have rushed that, she might have done it to spite Doug, but she couldn't deny the way that it felt, "I'll see you around." She said as she walked towards the ER doors. She stopped for a minute, "Let Anna down gently Doug, no matter what she's still a friend of both of us, and she's been through a lot." She wasn't sure why she had said that, maybe because she had seen the wake of broken hearts that were behind him and didn't want to see yet another. She continued on towards the hospital entrance wondering if it would be any warmer in there than it had been out there. She had been brutally honest with him, and even though she might have hurt him, she knew that she had too. They needed space and this was the only option left open to them right now.