The time: twelve in the morning. The academy was figuratively on fire, though if it happened to combust no one would really notice. The chalk slipped out of Iruka's fingers for the third time that hour, but half-delirious from heat-stroke he didn't notice, fingers squeaking along the chalkboard as he kept muttering about politics.
Then Naruto made the observation no one needed to hear. He stood and spread his arms wide, a flock of terrified and confused doves exploding from his sleeves in a majestic curtain of white. Then he proclaimed to the world: "It's fucking hot!"
In a flawless Pavlovian response to Naruto's words Kiba immediately felt himself grow a few degrees warmer.
"If my balls had balls," Naruto continued against everyone's will, "My balls would be swimming in ball soup too. It would be Triple ball soup - a soup fit for Kings."
"Naruto stop" Sasuke said.
"My balls are literally the coolest thing on me right now. If my body were to reel them back in, I would cool off. Were my body to get into a closer proximity to my balls? Steam. Billowing steam like a goddamn volcano gushing into the ocean. That's what would happen."
Sasuke started to melt. "Guys help me"
"If I started jacking it I would combust. And you know what? I would cool off. If I were to catch on fire, the fire would cool me off. That's how hot it is."
"Oh god make him stop" Sasuke pleaded, "Kiba do something"
"If my balls weren't stuck to my chair I would be kicking your ass right now." Kiba threw Akamaru's panting form at Naruto, but it was countered with a flock of doves that he fired from his sleeve. "If you took off your goddamn jumpsuit you would cool off immediately, dipshit!"
"You think it's easy to look this good?" Naruto countered, "You think I just get up and look like this? No! The jacket completes the look asshole!"
"The jacket completes your face when I shove it up my ass!" Kiba shot back deliriously.
"You take that back!" Naruto threw a handful of doves in Kiba's general direction, missing and potentially blinding Shikamaru. "Have at you!"
"Bring it shitlord!" Kiba stood, taking his chair with him, and launched at Naruto. Naruto released yet more doves into the room; they clung to his jumpsuit and started flapping, giving him a crude parody of flight. Naruto and Kiba clashed directly over Sasuke's desk. The clash consisted of weak, open handed slaps and lasted for about three seconds. They both went lightheaded and had to sit down.
"Truce?" Naruto held out his fist in Kiba's general direction.
Kiba held out his own fist, and they almost but didn't quite brush together between them.
"Banana nut sunday." Kiba said and passed out.
Naruto chortled. "Way to get heat stroke pussOHGODBLARG- " Naruto went up in flames. "Oh wait guys I'm actually cooling down." He started laughing. "Wow I was right for once- wait I was wrong! I was so wrong!" Naruto went into a stop-drop-and-roll; a maneuver he'd used, to date, twenty-three times, and as such his form was flawless. "I was at least three wrong! That's how wrong I was about fire cooling me off!"
"I'm dying" Sasuke clung to life, "someone pour something on me"
Sakura saw an opportunity if there ever was one, but as she poured her bottle of water over him it became superheated in the air, sizzling as it draped down the back Sasuke's neck.
"Ohhhh… that's nice." Sasuke let out a sigh. "The joke is it's hot."
an: blalkjahgkjh