Chapter 41:

Kerry got up off the couch in the lounge. She wondered if Dr. Kovac would be willing to pick up some extra shifts. God she hated the thought of having to replace another member of her staff. She went in search of Luka and at least found one person working after the day had started off so nasty. "Excuse me Dr. Kovac," She said as she approached him.

"Yes, ma'am," Luka said, thinking how bad his boss looked. "I'm sorry about your loss. Is there anything I can do to help?

Kerry took a deep breath trying to keep herself as composed as she could. Lucy, Mark, Anna...it was getting to be to much. She remembered seeing Lucy in the trauma room, bleeding to death in front of them. She tried hard to shake the images in her mind off, "I know that you are here thinking that this is just a temporary position." She started to speak fighting back her tears, "but in light of the events of today and that Dr. Del Amico will not be able to return I am short handed on more than a temporary basis." Kerry took a deep breath in, "there's an opening on my staff, would you be willing to stay longer and help fill in on a more regular basis, as a full time attending?"

"I would be honored to stay, but I wish it could be under different circumstances." Luka looked at the tears welling in Dr. Weaver's eyes, and despite the fact that responding to a woman in tears got him into trouble once today; he just couldn't help but touch her hand. "I wish I has something better to say than I'm sorry.

Kerry still tried to hold it all in but she was losing it fast. "I didn't expect this."

Doug nodded. "yeah let's take the EL. I am pretty tired. I don't think I've slept more than five hours in the past two days or eaten anything but cold pizza for that matter." he walked with Carol up the stairs to the EL because of the time in the morning almost no one was on the train. Doug liked the quiet and closed his eyes as he held carol's hand. he dropped his head and leaned into her. "i love you carol."

Susan stood up "come on lets go do something."

Carol kissed the top of his head. "I love you too Doug. We'll get thru this."

Despite himself, Luka opened his arms and drew Dr. Weaver's tiny frame to his chest. "We are never prepared for death," he said softly, as he rubbed her back.

Kerry leaned into the tall doctor. As she let the tears fall freely. "She was just so young and so talented."

"Where could he have gone Susan. It's not like him not to return a page, or phone call?"

"Go ahead and just cry, don't try to understand it." Luka said softly, "Losing someone young, it never makes sense."

The train stopped and Doug looked up. It was close enough to their house. He held onto Carol's hand as he stood, still holding Anna's box. Doug walked silently with Carol until they reached their doorstep. Even the short walk was enough to tire him out. He walked into their warm home and collapsed on the couch. He knew he should probably eat something but he wasn't in the mood. "Please tell me you don't have to work tomorrow." he said setting the box he held out next to him. "are you tired? or do you want me to stay up with you?"

Susan shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you Abby. I can help you look or we can get to work. I know he is around here somewhere. He might have even gone to get something to eat."

Kerry cried into Luka's shoulder until she couldn't cry anymore, she looked up at him speaking softly, "thank you."

"You don't have to stay up with me Doug." She said looking at him. "Do you want me to lay down with you?" She asked softly. Things weren't right with them and she didn't know how or where to go with them right now. He had a lot that had happened to him today and she didn't want to push them in the wrong direction.

"Eating since 1 am this morning." She said looking at Susan. "I don't know I am getting worried about him, but you are probably right. But i don't understand why he wouldn't take his coat if he went to get something to eat."

Luka found it hard to hid the tears in his own eyes. "Your welcome," he said simply.

He looked back up at her. He knew she was still upset with him but he wanted to make it right, just not now. "Will you sit with me?" he asked moving over on the couch to make room for her.

Susan shrugged. Listening to Abby she began to worry as well. "Well I'm going to work up some triage. if you want to help clear the board that's good or ill cover for you so you can look for him."

"Of Course I will." She said snuggling in next to him, "I'm here for you. If you want to talk, I'll listen, if you need to cry you can have my shoulder. If you need time to yourself to deal with all of this, you can have it, I'm not going anywhere."

"Yeah I'll help, could you grab me a scrub top from the supply closet. I'll be right back."

Doug wrapped his arms around her. "I just want to hold you. I don't want to have to worry about losing you too."

Susan smiled. She wanted to get Abby's mind off of carter. She hated it when her friends worried. She walked to the closet to get Abby a top when she saw a piece of broken plastic on the floor. she bent down to pick it up when she saw more. "Hey Abby come here!"

Carol melted into his arms, "I'm not going anywhere Doug." She said softly, "I was upset earlier yes, but..." She hated to bring it up, "seeing Anna like that made me realize that life can be cut short and I don't want to live what time I have with out you."

Doug stretched out on the couch and put his head in her lap. "We'll work on it." he said curling up. Having Carol bring up Anna again spurt a question into his mind. "This is how I don't know how you can go to church and believe that...i mean what did Anna ever do to deserve something like that?" he could feel himself choke up again so he shut his eyes. "i guess you just have a little more faith in general then i do."

"What is it Susan," Abby asked almost running over to her friend.

"God didn't do this Doug." She said softly, "Anna didn't do anything to deserve having this happen." She could tell that he was upset, "sometimes things like this just happen there's no rhyme or reason behind it. Sometimes people get hurt, and we can put them back together and other times it's beyond our capabilities. She knew what she was getting into when she started her relationship. And she should have known where it would have ended."

Susan looked over at her friend. She hated to be the barer of horrible news. she couldn't really make much out of it herself. She handed Abby the broken beeper. "I think we need to call the cops."

Doug looked up at her. "You don't know...if i had been there when that SOB came to the door i would have thrown him out then and there. instead i came to the house to find her beaten up...i almost killed that guy and i didn't even feel bad about it. i mean when i met him before we moved to Seattle he seemed like a decent guy...the other day he was just as bad as my father." Doug kicked off his shoes and grabbed the quilt that was on the back of the couch. "i don't think anyone can know how a relationship is going to turn out...bottom line; i guess i just blame myself. its those 'what ifs' you know? if i had been there. if i had gotten her to the hospital sooner. if i had never gotten back into her life at all she could be alive."

Abby just looked at the broken pager. "Yeah, I think so too." She turned and headed back to the admit desk to make the phone call.

"You're not responsible for this Doug." Carol said gently to him, "You did what you could for her. You're not the one who hit her. You couldn't have stopped it if you wanted to. If it hadn't happened today, what would have stopped it from happening tomorrow or the day after? And if you had gotten her here sooner it still would have turned out the same way. You can't blame yourself for this. You can always find 'what if's' for every situation in life, if you hadn't gotten back into her life she would have been alone. There wouldn't have been anyone there to hold her hand," Carol was finding it difficult to get this out, she started to cry as she finished her thought, "you gave her one last glimmer of happiness. One that might not have been there otherwise. Cause I am pretty sure Max didn't give a damn. He didn't when they brought him in and we started to patch him up."

Doug sat up and pulled her into his arms. "I didn't mean to make you cry again. I know you're right; it's just hard for me to believe it right now. I haven't had anyone close to me die since Mark...And I didn't really deal with that then either." He sighed and stood up. "I guess there are no guarantees huh? But that's why we live. That's why we fight for life." he reached for her face and wiped away the tears. "I need to sleep...I'll stay on the couch if you...i know it's been a hard day for you too so if you need some space from me I understand."

She looked up at him, "I don't know what I need from you right now Doug." She said her head and heart were pulling her in two different directions. "I need you but I wont lie that I'm still not upset with you. Maybe it's best if we just give each other a little space to deal with today and start fresh tomorrow." She said as she started to head up the stairs toward her bedroom. She pushed the door shut behind her and laid down on the bed to cry herself to sleep.

Doug shook his head. "Oops" he said aloud to himself. He was way to tired to deal with anything else. He grabbed the quilt and threw it over his arms as he laid on the couch. it was pretty cold in their living room but he didn't feel like searching for more covers. Although he thought it would be impossible for him to sleep tonight, shortly after closing his eyes, that's exactly what he did.