They were on the stairs again. "I can't keep doing this." Kiba said, and while he inhaled he inevitably-as-the-tide drew another few feet closer to Naruto's apartment. "I just can't. It's not in me, and. I just. I…" Emotions left him breathless and fumbling but Sasuke understood despite his ineloquence.

"I know." He nodded. "Trust me, I know. That fucker Iruka knows too don't he."

"Man, fuck him right?"

"Like, Naruto's your student. You go get him."

"Fuggin'a right?"

"Goddamnit it's that raccoon again." Indeed that raccoon was there on the stairs, coat glowing burnt orange in the early morning light. "Every time."

The raccoon glowered at them. "We meet again, unclean ones! Thou hadst bested me thrice, but without honor. Without pride! What is a man but OH GOD BLARG-"

Sasuke punted it over the railing. "What a shitty raccoon."

"Man fuck that raccoon right?"

"Like, it's your staircase, the fuck are you doing - guard that shit."

"What's the world coming to man."

"Oh hey we're here." Sasuke noted, and they were there. Naruto's door was before them.

"Sup." It said.

"Oh hey it talks." Kiba gestured as if to a landmark. "I guess it's just, a thing that talks now."

"Yep." Sedate nodding from Sasuke. "Like – open. Now."

"What?" The door said, "you'll have to speak up."

Sasuke began, "W-"

"What?"

"… We n-"

"HUH?"

Kiba felt his heart skip a beat: his moment was now. Ages ago when he was first held in his mother's arms, his father at her bedside they spoke of this day in harsh whispers – and his father nodded, fierce and proud at what his son would be. Kiba rocked back on his heels, and then forward and momentum crashed down like a tidal wav–Sasuke opened the door.

"Dude stop!" The door said.

Sasuke continued to open the door, "No."

"Dude? Dude. Man, come on."

"I'm already opening you."

"We can talk this out."

"Naruto?" Sasuke called as he entered, scuffing his shoes on the mat near the door purely out of habit. "Naruto if you're fighting that plant again we're gonna need to have a talk."

No answer. Kiba looked at Sasuke. Sasuke looked at him. They both turned to leave but the door shut before them, and a series of clicks came from the door.

"I like, can't let you leave." It said. "Uh, the master like. Wants to speak with you. Go now!" If the door were a person it would have gestured grandly into the other room at that statement; but it wasn't, and the sentiment fell flat.

"I guess this is what's happening to us today." Sasuke sighed. "Come on, let's get this over with."

"Yeah fine. Where are we going?" He asked the door.

"There!" It proclaimed grandly; again devoid of any meaning.

"Like t-

"HUH?"

"Fuck you!" Kiba snapped, "Sasuke come on, he's probably in bed or something."

Indeed Naruto was still in bed; flat on his back. There was a large CRT television screen-down where his head should have been, and thick bunches of cables came from the television and vanished into the guts of the ceiling. There was also a string of lights crudely wrapped around Naruto's left leg, blinking at random intervals.

"Beep." Naruto said; his voice coming from the back of the television. "I mean – Hi."

They both turned to leave, but a door they didn't remember being there before shut in their faces.

"Me again." It said. "The master must speak with you or something."

"I-"

"HUH?"

Kiba kicked the door as hard as he could, choking off a curse as his toes exploded in pain. "I fucking hate this door!"

"Yeah yeah, move on." Sasuke approached Naruto's bedside, looking at him curiously. "So… What? What is this?"

"Boop. I mean… Hold on. Beep – I mean so I was in bed last night and I wanted to watch TV, but I also wanted to lie down really bad."

Sasuke finished the logical progression of the sounds coming out of the television. "So you rigged your TV into the ceiling and it fell on your dumb face?"

"Bleep. I mean yes."

"Do you want us to…" Kiba somehow managed to let go of his frustrations and approached the bed, "uh. Get that thing off of you?"

"Beep! I mean ha! No. No… I. I like it here. I can finally see…" The lights wrapped around his leg blinked differently than they had been, but since they were so shitty no one noticed. "Boop – everything has fallen line… I. I…

"I see. Everything." Had Naruto sat up at this point, or even moved any part of his body, or given any indication that he even could move, those words would have carried much more weight.

"… Alright." Sasuke pursed his lips. "So can we go now?"

"Go?" Naruto's voice echoed serenely from the low-quality speakers. "Beep. Why would you go? There is so much to do. So much to see. Here-" Naruto sat up with great difficulty, and the television on his head split open like some alien plant, the innards all wriggling wires and grasping claws. "Come here… I have so much to show you."

"Nope." Kiba said, turned and immediately tried to open the door.

"No way brah'." The door crooned, "Naaaaw way son. Nah."

"Jiggle it." Sasuke pantomimed, "you gotta jiggle it."

"I am jiggling it!" Kiba snapped, "You think you can do better?"

"I have never not thought that." Sasuke shot a quick glance over his shoulder to judge how much time they had.

Naruto was trying to get out of bed, his feet were already over the edge, but the television on his head was heavy, and the tendrils wildy whipping around in the jaws of the television were jerking him off balance. "Beep. Don't worry." He said to himself softly, "Don't overexert yourself – they aren't going anywhere. Boop."

"Yeah we got like five minutes tops." Sasuke turned back to his backseat-door-opening. "You – you're barely jiggling it, man. Jesus put your back into it."

"I am!"

"You're not, you're clearly not."

"You know what fine – you do it." Kiba stepped back and raised his hands placatingly. "You're so much better! Sooo much better!"

"I know." Sasuke assured him, and wiggled his fingers for a moment before he set to work. "Oh hey it doesn't open."

"Kibbles help me up." Naruto was on his back now, flailing like an overturned tortoise. "Beep Kibbles seriously I am omega stuck." The sides of the television suddenly gaped, and bunches of antenna-legs poked out. The legs clamored over Naruto's bed, nightstand and dresser, knocking everything off or over and generally making asses of themselves. "Wow these are not helping at all." Naruto commented, "I thought I would go spider-bot and straight up wall-climb but this is worthless. Beep. I am even more stuck now."

"Why don't you jiggle it." Kiba urged crudely. "Come on. Jiggle it. Jiggle it, Sasuke." The manic intensity in his voice bordered on sensual. "Uhn.. yeah, jiggle it, Sasuke. Oh yeah… Just put your back into it. Yeah, just like that. Ohh fuck yeah."

"Yeah I'm not opening." The door said. "No way brah'."

"Oh hey it spins the other way."

"Wait no NO-" The door cut out as Sasuke opened it and he and Kiba walked out. Or tried to – another door slammed shut in front of them not a foot later, attached to seemingly nothing – though the effect was as desired as neither of them was slim enough to squeeze through the gaps left on either side.

"Yeah me again." It said. "Sorry bu – wh Hey HEY NO-"

Sasuke opened the door again and kindly let Kiba step past him. "Ladies first," he said with Kiba halfway through the door, assured that Kiba was too far though to turn back and challenge his massive wit.

Kiba engaged his internal gyroscope, willingly stopping his body by craning his neck and smashing his face against the door. He pulled back bloody but alive. "The fuck did you just say?"

Sasuke realized that repeating himself would only make things worse, Naruto was actually beginning to rock himself off of the bed behind them. "Ladies first, Kibbleton." Sasuke's expression was severe.

Kiba nodded; that his nose was clearly broken didn't detract from the cold sneer that washed over his face. "I'd be a prettier girl than you, Sasuk-erella."

If Sasuke had been holding something, he would have dropped it. "Wh… What did you just say?"

"Beep! Guys I'm getting up!" Naruto started rising into the air as the cables attached to the television began reeling him up. "I don't know how, boop, but okay progress."

Kiba leaned in, and whispered breathily into Sasuke's ear, "I'd make a prettier girl than you, dipshit."

Sasuke was two seals into his biggest fireball, to date, when Naruto suddenly crashed down onto the small accent-table next to them, the mouth of the television grinding into it like a bipedal woodchipper. "Did I get you?" Naruto said, his face dimly visible on the screen of the television. "My face is on the back so I can't really aim that well."

Sasuke and Kiba both tried to squeeze past the door, each claiming that they were the lady and that they should go first, and then fuck you and started kicking at each other's shins and feet. Eventually the pair of them compressed enough that they busted through.

"Beep! Wait!" Naruto reeled up again like a fish on a line, "Latronius, stop them!"

A door attached to nothing slammed into the pair.

"Yeah boss." The door said, "these fools going nowhere!"

Kiba tried to step around it, but it rotated so it 'shut' in front of him again.

"You got nothin' brah!"

"W-"

"HUH?"

With a wordless cry of fury Kiba snap-kicked the door clean in half ("oh sweet door-jesus!" Latronius cried) and he and Sasuke broke for the front doorway – now doorless. A wire snapped out and coiled around Kiba's leg, stopping him flat. Kiba fell and latched onto Sasuke's foot as the wire tried to reel him back into Naruto's room.

"Sasuke help me!" Kiba cried, "I don't want to join Naruto he sucks!"

"Gedoff!" Sasuke started kicking at Kiba's face and neck, but clamped onto the doorway as he was he couldn't get much leverage, so they weren't so much kicks as swim-meet-at-the-old-folks home. "We don't both have to die!"

"If I'm going down I'm taking you with me!"

"No you're not!"

"Yeah but I am though!"

'Why are you strong!" Sasuke heaved and drew a few precious inches out of the doorway, smelled the fresh air. The raccoon was there. Their eyes met and it glowered dangerously.

"So hey," Sasuke began, "I don't know if-"

"Have at thee!" It roared, and began furiously and ineffectually slapping at Sasuke's face and hair.

Naruto floated out of his room, held aloft by the bundles of cable poking out the back of the television. "Beep. Join us, Kibleton. Join us." The screen was facing them, Naruto's face displayed serenely on the screen. Then the television rotated, and the back split open again, and suddenly they were in a wind tunnel, all the air funneling into that mass of writhing wires and components.

"Whargle!" Kiba said as he lifted off the floor, and started climbing up Sasuke's leg.

Sasuke strained for all he was worth, taking shot after shot from the raccoon until he was shoulders past the frame and got his elbows on the frame. "Kiba!" He called back, barely heard over the wind blustering past. "I can't get any further! It's up to you now!"

Things slowed down for Kiba. He glanced back and saw the cable tugging his leg, and the television vacuuming them and a substantial portion of Naruto's knick-knacks into oblivion. At this point he wished that he had an epiphany, some life changing realization that gave him strength – but he just really hated Naruto.

Kiba started climbing up Sasuke, hand-over-hand until he reached mid-thigh and it became apparent where his next handhold was. "I don't wanna grab your butt!" He said, "I'd rather die!"

"Grab my butt Kiba!" The raccoon went into a flying spin and gently flopped a kick across Sasuke's jaw, perhaps leaving a bruise. "My butt is our only hope! Do it!"

"I can't!" Kiba snapped, "I can't do it!"

"You can!" Sasuke looked down at Kiba, expression tense and sincere, "I believe in you, man!"

Kiba swelled up in pride that he would refuse, even on his death bed to admit he'd felt, and grabbed onto Sasuke's butt for all he was worth.

"Ohw- Jesus man I'm not a bowling ball!"

"Shadup!" Kiba heaved himself past Sasuke's hips and grabbed onto his arm, then shoulder, then face, and finally had his hands on the doorway. Kiba launched himself out of the room in one push, grabbed the raccoon and hurled it over his shoulder. He yanked Sasuke out of there not a moment after.

"I curse theeee!" The raccoon spun around and around and vanished into the mouth of television, which immediately erupted into a gigantic fireball. Sasuke and Kiba felt the heat and shards of glass rush past them as they took cover.

"So hey what were we talking about before?" Kiba asked as he stood and started down the stairs.

"Something about Iruka." Sasuke said and followed.

"Man fuck Iruka."

END

an: Never has it been more apparent that this is where I get out my stupid.