"So basically, here's. Like, okay." Iruka continued to unsuccessfully illustrate the reproductive process through pantomime, "like. A donut, okay? And. Okay this goes in. Okay? Like, right in there. BOOM! Uh. Like, a – not – I mean it doesn't fire out or anything."

"What in the hell is he doing." Kiba whispered to no one in particular.

"I think he's talking about like, the area of a circle or something." Sasuke returned. "Two pies in the radical, yeah? Goddamn I am one smart son of a bitch."

"Everyone stop, I – okay." Iruka released his death grip on the donut and it gently flopped to the ground, Chouji releasing a horrified gasp as it did. "P… Pe… I-

A full size pirate ship afloat on nothing crashed into the side of the academy, the bow spearing through the window just above Shikamaru – showering him in glass and wall fragments and potentially blinding him. Naruto stood majestically on deck - and was immediately and violently dislodged as the bow barreled into Chouji's comatose form – the impact launching him from the ship and into a parabolic arc that somehow resulted with him sitting calmly at his desk.

"What I miss?"

"We're doin' circles." Kiba said over his furious desk-doodling. "And like… the surface area of a cylinder."

"I don't even know what the shit that is."

"And hey," Kiba said, "how-"

"If asked to recount the events that resulted in a ship crashing into the academy, I would be unable to."

"I see. You lead an interesting lifestyle."

"I do." Naruto agreed pleasantly. "It's neat."

"Naruto." Iruka said. "Wh… Where do we go from here? What do I do with this?"

"No, I'm frying!" Naruto, not understanding the question, returned the punch-line of a joke he hadn't told.

"Naruto you get back on your ship and pilot it the hell out of here. Right now."

Naruto was about to say "No you!" when the bow of the ship split down the middle, a ramp lowering from the bowels of the ship and shadowed figured emerging onto the ramp from the darkness. "Sasuke look out, Mummies!" Naruto cried, taking out his trusty shovel and furiously digging a grave for Sasuke. He passed another shovel to Kiba, mentioning "fuggin' help me this floor is like mahogany or something!"

"There's no time!" Kiba cried, hurling his shovel aside, blinding Shikamaru and then pulling out a can of gas. "We'll just burn him! Sasuke hold still!"

Sasuke went into an inordinately elaborate throwing-knife maneuver, the boy leaping into the air and hurling seven knives in succession, each nudging the next around obstacles and closer to its mark until at last there was a Kunai almost in Naruto's stupid face – but it was close so Sasuke called it a success. Then the mummies were on him - but Sasuke kicked them in the shins and stopped them in their tracks.

"Auuunnnngh!" One cried, falling over and flailing, clutching at its leg. Another simply stood and screamed for all it was worth while Sasuke nailed its shins again and again with his pointy, pointy Sasuke-feet (Sasuke crying out "Hyaa! Hyaa!" as he did). A third had yet to have been kicked even once, but seeing the pain of the first two chose to hop around, feigning injury to its elbow.

"Fuck you mummy!" Naruto roared, taking up his desk and hurling it through a window, a moment later leaping after it and escaping into the sunlight.

"Fuck yoooooou!" Kiba roared, charging and dropkicking the third, as-of-yet uninjured and least threatening mummy – catching it in the chest and sending it back into the boat in a cloud of frayed wrappings. Post-dropkick Kiba fell hard on his back and rolled around, clutching at himself and hyperventilating.

A second ship burst into the academy right next to the first one. Naruto was standing on deck, but a moment later, after glancing behind him leapt off, shouting "Guys I brought more Mummies I'm so sorry!" Mummies poured off the deck after him, falling into the academy floor and then just lying where they fell in pain.

"Oh god my back!" Kiba cried, still on the ground. "Why did I do that oh my god my back-"

"Kiba!" Naruto roared, spreading his arms wide, "form up Kibatron!"

Kiba leaped up and launched himself over onto Naruto's shoulders, legs hooking under his elbows. "Kibatron initiated!"

"Attack!" Sounded Naruto's battle cry – he and Kiba initiated a double-windmill maneuver, furiously slapping everything within range and slowly moving forwards. "Oh god no!" Sakura cried as she fell beneath the murderous machine, taking a few shots to her face and shoulders. "I don't understand!" Roared Chouji, "Why would he drop a donut why!" and he too fell beneath Kibatron, blood streaming from his shins. "Five points from Gryfindor!" Bellowed Iruka, but he fell prey to his one weakness- repeated slaps to the face, and vanished forever beneath Naruto's boots as Kibatron advanced.

"You got nothing!" Naruto said, the mummies – their intended targets – finally within range.

"Oh god my hand!" Kiba roared, pulling back after clipping a desk. "This is the worst pain!" He fell from Naruto's shoulders in a shower of sparks. Naruto saw his fallen comrade and entered hyper-Naruto mode, furious slaps landing left and right of Sasuke's face. "Fuck you Sasuke!" Naruto began openly weeping, "This is for Kiba!"

Sasuke kicked Naruto in the shin and Naruto fell.

A third pirate ship crashed into the academy. There wasn't much academy for it to crash into, so it rubbed sides with the second ship a little. Another Naruto stood on deck and leapt from the ship the moment it stilled with a cry of "He's an imposter!" Going into an amazing flip-and-spin corkscrew maneuver that cumulated with Sasuke getting kicked in the shin. "Fuck you Sasuke!" He and the first Naruto high-fived on the ground.

Sasuke lit them all on fire and laughed.

END

an: I have officially descended into madness. Since it's been so long since I've written anything I challenged myself to "not stop typing for more than 15 seconds." This is the result. You guys (yes all four of you) should try it because I was giggling like an idiot the whole time.