"Impossible." Kiba continued to shake his head, "what you're suggesting is impossible."
"Why do you keep saying that? It's not that big a deal," Sasuke reasoned, "I just haven't."
"Wh – How!" Naruto abruptly stood, his chair squealing back, catching on a warped floorboard and flipping through the air. "How have you never high-fived anyone!"
"I just haven't." Sasuke said for maybe the fifth time. "I just haven't high fived anyone. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"
"Because that's fucking insane! Also I'm bored our teacher-dude was supposed to be here three hours ago!"
"It's a high-five, calm your tits."
"I fucking can't!"
"We can fix this right now." Kiba said. He walked to Sasuke and held out his hand. "High five me."
"I don't wanna high five you." Sasuke said.
"Just high five me."
"High five him." Naruto added tensely. "High. Five. Him."
"I don't wanna." Sasuke shook his head. "I don't wanna high five him. Why would I wanna high five him?"
"Just do it." Kiba said. "Just do it, it's not a big deal - you said so yourself."
"I don't wanna. I don't wanna high five you."
Kiba pressed his hand forward.
"Get away!" Sasuke screeched.
Naruto hmm'd and eyed Kiba specutively. "I guess we'll just add this to the list of Sasuke's various insanities."
"Like you can talk." Sasuke bit, "you and that plant-"
"You shut your goddamn mouth Sasuke!" Naruto roared, "Don't even get me started on that fucking plant!"
"Man whatever."
"What was it, like Silantro or something? Hey didn't it kill you once?"
Kiba's perfectly valid observation was cut short as the door opened. A tall man stood in the doorframe and looked at them. They looked back. This went on for some time until Naruto broke the silence with a poorly muffled fart.
"If ever there was a sound to describe my impression of you," The man said, "… it would be that."
"Oh my god!" Naruto cried, "Kiba! Where are my fucks!"
"What!" Kiba snapped back, his tone picture-perfect irritated housewife "You lost your fucks! Again?! Jesus what will we give this man! What will we give him!"
"I don't know!" Naruto shot back, "Damnit all you do is berate me! You're just like your mother!"
"And you're just like your father!" Kiba snarled.
Naruto backhanded Kiba across the face, completely lost in the moment. "Bitch!"
Kiba clutched at his cheek, bitter crocodile tears pouring down his face. "How dare you!"
"Goddamnit I don't have any fucks okay!" Naruto pinched his temples, his shoulders sagging. What a mess he'd made. What would he tell his kids. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I don't have any fucks to give this man. It's all my fault. I… I really am my father…" And he wept.
The man, having been unwilling witness to the entire event, sighed heavily. "What have I done…" He muttered, eye swimming in events long passed, "… what have I done to deserve this."
"I don't fuckin' know!" Naruto crowed and stormed past him, "let's go damnit!"
"We could'a been cool." Kiba mentioned offhandedly as he too walked past.
Sasuke made to follow Naruto and Kiba to a location that they likely hadn't decided on and certainly were wrong about, and paused in front of the man for a moment. "… I thought I might feel kinship for you…" He began, and then his face darkened, "a man likewise doomed to submit to their idiocy or be swept up in a wave of mind-brittling madness the unyielding strength of which would hurl you down and hold you against the frigid depths that light cannot penetrate and man cannot possibly comprehend lest he go mad in turn and rave in the comforting darkness of his own ignorance."
The man continued to look at him. "… okay."
"But it turns out I actually feel nothing." Sasuke turned away and left.
"Okay, like…" The man, previously introduced as Kakashi clammed up for a long moment, during which he and the three genin before him eyed each other with varying levels of resentment. "I… "
Sasuke looked down at the tips of his shoes vacantly, long since resigned to his position in life. Kiba had been shaking his head all disappointed-like at Kakashi for the last few minutes and showed no signs of stopping – whether this was intentional or he was suffering from some sort of seizure remained to be seen. Naruto continued to stare at Kakashi with an unsettling intensity, his eyes completely still and just wide enough to show his entire retina – a passing fly landed on his left eye to clean its legs.
Kakashi didn't say anything for a little while longer, content with prolonging his last moment of peace in this cruel, cruel world. "Meet me in… training ground. Seven. Number. And – tomorrow-" His brain was having trouble formulating sentences on account of his newly burgeoning psychosis, "don't eat in morning." Kakashi stood and left.
"Guys…" Kiba said, "guys I can't stop shaking my head."
A few moments passed and Naruto made a startled snorting noise and jerked ramrod straight, revealing that he had been asleep the entire time. "Did I miss anything?" He turned to Kiba, saw the boy shaking his head, and – newly and confidently assured of his plans for the next day, leaped from the building.
"… Guys?" (Distantly came the sound of shattered glass, a woman's scream and one of Naruto's trademark surprise-farts.) Kiba looked for Sasuke but only saw him in those brief moments where his head was turned right – and between one shaking of his head and the next Sasuke was gone; the only indications he'd ever been there the distinct smell of off-brand hair gel and a patch of newly-withered plants that had grown too close to him. "…So this is how I die."
They were at the training grounds and Naruto was arguing. "It does."
"No." Kiba said, "No it doesn't."
"It does," Naruto returned sharply, "It does I've seen it."
"You haven't."
"I have." Naruto said, and his expression turned cold. "I have because I did it." He lifted his shirt, revealing a pulsing blue orb attached to his stomach through exceedingly complicated cybernetics.
Kiba smacked his lips. "I thought we were talking about sandwiches."
Naruto blinked. "… Oh." Naruto looked at Kiba. Kiba looked at Naruto. This continued for some time.
"Guys. Hey." Kakashi jingled the pair of bells he was for some reason holding. "I'm kind of in the middle of something."
"Wh-" Naruto dropped his shirt and turned to him. "How long have you been here?"
"Literally the whole time. Actually I'm the one who walked you kids here. Remember, we had breakfast?" Nothing in that sentence was true, but Kakashi was in a petty sort of mood. "Whatever nevermind. Anyways as I was saying… These are bells." Kakashi jingled them merrily. "There are two of them. You need one of them to b-"
He didn't even get to finish his sentence. Naruto immediately turned and decked Kiba across the face. As Kiba fell back in seemingly slow motion, a look of complete not surprise on his face, Sasuke swept Naruto's legs and flipped him end over end in a picture perfect Sasuke-toss. Sasuke added a little Sasuke flair to this maneuver by flicking his hair and sneering with Naruto mid-spin.
It was when Kiba was about three-quarters of the way through his fall that he finally caught his bearings – he responded to this new cognizance by pulling Akamaru from his hood and whipping him at Naruto like a Frisbee. Naruto saw Akamaru flying at him, mid-Sasuke-toss as he was, and activated his hyper-developed internal gyroscope. Instead of completing his stationary spin around his center of gravity – a little above his hips – he decided to complete it around his feet, and went flipping away from Sasuke uncontrollably and flew into the brush a few yards off. Sasuke was still mid-sneer, luscious locks a-flip and gleaming in the morning light when Akamaru's soft belly caught him across the face like a clap of thunder. He was unconscious before he even hit the ground.
Regular time resumed. Kiba fell hard on his back, Sasuke on his side. Akamaru was nowhere to be found. Naruto's voice echoed from far off: "Guys I fell in a thornbush!"
Kakashi made a strangled moan. He'd never seen a team have less than no teamwork before. It was neat.
Naruto wandered into the clearing looking no worse for wear. "False alarm it was just a deer."
"You guys are the worst team I have ever seen." Kakashi said.
"That's a funny way of saying congratulations you pass."
"You don't. You didn't let me finish briefing you, you fought each other, you didn't get a bell. You don't pass."
"Wh- oh I got the bells." Naruto held up a pair of bells. "Were we supposed to get these? I – I mean I thought they were cool so I switched them with spiders when you weren't looking."
Kakashi frowned and glanced down, "What the hell are you talking a-boh fuck!" He frantically brushed the hissing-bitch spiders away from his pants. But it was a losing battle because they were tied to his belt with string – so he didn't so much get them off him as perform the world's first spider-bungee-jump. Neither of the spiders were particularly thrilled about this.
Naruto spread his arms victoriously. "Go team oh yeah!"
an: I don't know what I did but damned if I didn't do it. You're welcome.