The winter sun rose on the academy one brisk morning, the light thawing frosted grass and brush in a slow, ceaseless wave. Kiba was asleep at his desk, a beam of light from the far window curling over his back, gently coaxing him to wonderland. Sasuke had his chin in his hand, his vacant stare directed at the chalkboard, mindlessly waiting for Iruka's arrival. The others were in their places, in varying states of awareness.

The door opened and admitted Naruto – the boy looking jovial in his red jumpsuit and hat, the mottled, vaguely iron-smelling nature of the coloring only detracting from the sentiment if one thought on it for too long. He smiled as he approached Sasuke, a greeting on his lips.

Sasuke glanced at him, not raising his head from his palm. When he spoke his head bobbed. "Morning Naruto… What's with the-"

"HYAA!" Naruto head-butted Sasuke so hard the boys elbow broke through his desk. As Sasuke coiled up in pain Naruto rose to his full height. "OW!" Naruto had bit his tongue. "Oww! Fuck you Sasuke! I'd be the prettiest girl in all the land!"

"God. Oow. What?" Sasuke began the arduous process of straightening in his seat, rubbing his head with his hand. "What the hell, man?"

"You said you'd be a prettier girl than me!" Naruto roared, hands clapping down on Sasuke's desk. "Well you're not! You're damn well not!"

"Wh – that was like forever ago!"

Naruto's eyes narrowed dangerously. "And it's been eating me up inside ever since."

"And I said that to Kiba!"

Both boys looked to Kiba, who continued to sleep at his desk. They looked back at each other. "Irrelevant!" Naruto said bitterly, "acting like people say things to people who aren't me? I wasn't born yesterday dipshit!"

"You're insane." Sasuke said, and rose to his feet. "Completely insane! You… You really think you'd be a prettier girl than me? Ha!" Sasuke laughed condescendingly. Three miles away, a new leaf poking up through a layer of frost desiccated at the sound. "With your hips? Please your name'd be Bertha."

Naruto's nostrils flared, his eyes wild. He noticed his left hand was already raised, the fist clenched; he fought it back down to his side. "Don't you fucking make me slap you!"

Sasuke tittered behind his palm. "With those oily sausage fingers? Yes god forbid."

"Sasuke you forget yourself!" Naruto leaned in and shouted.

Sasuke leaned in as well. Their foreheads clunked, their teeth were bared. "My womanly brain forgets nothing!"

Naruto saw red. "It's on!"

Sakura was feeling just swell. Her parents were gone so the house was empty, the sun was heading down – and best of all Ino wasn't even being that much of a bitch. "…You know I can't even remember what he said today." Ino continued, one arm over the back of her chair, the other toying with the handle of her mug of hot chocolate, idly chasing it around Sakura's kitchen table. "I don't even remember what he said yesterday. What's the deal with that even?"

"I uh…" Hinata piped up from her chair, mug clasped in her hands, nose buried in the mug. "There…"

"I think it's got something to do with that... Naruto kid?" Ino scoffed and took a sip from her mug, seeming more and more like a disinterested yakuza thug the longer she gesticulated. "Bad egg, that one."

"I uh –" A girl that looked suspiciously like Naruto in a blue tank top heavily cleared her throat. "I dunno, that Naruto seems like a pretty swell guy. And uh dreamy and shit."

"Eh?" Ino looked at her. "Who are you again?"

The girl real quickly cleared her throat – and must have dislodged something because immediately fell into a phlegmy coughing fit that left her unable to speak. Hinata cringed in her chair at each of the girl's heaves, gradually collapsing into herself like a dying star.

"H – She's Naru...tella." Said a girl that looked suspiciously like Sasuke crammed into a black turtleneck and jeans. The girl took a quick sip from her mug and mentioned into the hot chocolate, "Don't worry about the coughing. Years of smoke inhalation. Narutella starts fires by the way."

"Hey me too!" Ino chimed, looking over at Narutella with a newfound respect. "Funny how that works, huh? Well, I – actually wait, too many ears. Later." She looked excited.

Narutella finally recovered from her coughing fit. "Oh!" She spoke in a voice suspiciously like Naruto's raised a few octaves. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me." Except it wasn't. "As I was about to say before Sasukerella rudely interrupted me (slut) I'm Narutoella – Naruo… Naru." Naru held out her hand, fingers flopping around uncertainly, as if awaiting some secret handshake that she didn't herself know. Ino daintily grabbed one of Naru's fingers and shook her hand indulgently.

"Pardon Naru, she's retarded." Sasukerella mentioned. "Dropped on her head at birth. Purposely." Sasukerella took another sip of her hot chocolate. "She uh, pooped. A lot."

Naru's eyes widened. They know. She cleared her throat and hurriedly changed the subject."Oh you (slut, she hissed quickly under her breath) No, no - we kid." Naru's head turned to Sasukerella robotically. "Don't. We. Sasu."

"… Sure." Sasu said.

"Hinata." Sakura said. Across the table Hinata looked at her from the inside of her coat. "I like your jacket. It really accentuated your neck - slender."

Hinata flushed dark red, nearly matching the earth-toned mug in her hand. "T-thank you… I. I like your hair." That was all she could get out before her hands began to shake and she busied her mouth with a quick sip of lukewarm hot chocolate.

"Naru." Sasu said coyly. "I like your tanktop – really brings your shoulders. Do you work out? In the fields? Hefting livestock?"

Naru fanned Sasu's compliment as though tickled by it. "And I love your shirt – really hides that floppy turkey-neck so thoroughly – why I can barely even make out that horrendous scar from when it got caught in your beard trimmer!" Naru tittered into the back of her hand.

"Oh we like to have fun." Sasu said, smiling with a murderous gleam in her eye. "Don't we. Naru."

"So how long have you two known each other?" Sakura said, oblivious to the tensions wafting off the pair. "You seem so familiar. Childhood friends, maybe?"

"God forbid I associate with that scoundrel." Bit Naru, briefly turning into an English nanny. "Why four pence and then some couldn't lift the chip from that blocks jib."

"Hm. Yes, what she so eloquently said." Sasu began toying with the handle of her mug as Ino currently was. Outside, the last of the sun dripped down beyond the village walls. The sky glowed orange and pink – and Hinata's eyes glazed over as it caught her eye. She glanced out the kitchen window, lost in the view. Sasu continued. "I imagine Naru has a better relationship with her potted plant than with me."

"Rightfully so." Naru replied under her breath. "You need only feed a plant once a day."

"That expression doesn't carry."

"Neither do your ovaries."

"So." Ino said, having lost interest a short while ago. "Um. You girls wanna… Do something else?"

"Yeah." Sakura chirped, feeling at peace for the first time in a long while. "Whaddya wanna do?"

"I dunno." Ino said. "Somethin. Just somethin."

"Truth or…" Naru trailed off, already regretting opening her mouth. The last word flopped out of her mouth like a dead fish. "… dare."

"Pardon Naru." Sasu said. "Contrary to what her huge blocky tits would have you believe, she is still a child."

"Wha?" Cried Naruto, subtly jostling the pair of fuzzy-dice encased in her tank top. "Hey, I – ahem – I have good ideas! Just not… Now."

Sasu eyed Sakura like 'what can you do?'

Sakura shrugged. "Uh – no. That's... Not that." Her eyes brightened and she leaned forwards, fingers playing on the table. "We could just watch a movie or something? Could be fun. Really there isn't much to do here that's group friendly."

"Ah." Naru said. "Yes, that's why Sasu always keeps extra hot-dogs in her fridge."

"Are you implying that my grill-off wasn't a monumental success?" Sasu bit across the table, her arms crossed defensively over her chest. "Because if you did I'd call you a dirty whore liar."

"So hey." Sakura said, beginning to suspect that she might soon maybe regret inviting the new girls over. "Uh – lets…"

"I'll." Ino stood before Sakura could finish the thought and hurried from the room. She called over her shoulder as she left, "I've – I'll get it! Me!"

"Even I can admit that!" Naru returned, tone as though Sasu had been the one to say something insulting. "Jesus why do we always fight when we're together?"

"I don't know!" Sasu snapped. But her temper cooled after a moment, and Hinata's face poked back out from her sweater at the calm. "We just… Talk… And – I suppose one thing leads to another… And then we're at each other's throats."

"Hey…" Sakura said softly. Sasu turned to see the girl's arm on her shoulder. "I know it might not seem like it… But me an' Ino used to fight all the time."

"Y… You and Ino?" Sasu said, trying to sound surprised.

"Yeah I know. I mean. Names, fighting, the whole works… It wasn't pretty, and I'm not proud of it… " Sakura glanced into the other room, where Ino idly fondled herself on the couch. "But I am proud of what we have now. We still fight, sometimes - but we don't mean it... cause we cleared the air, you know?"

"I… I do." Sasu said with a voice that sounded suspiciously like that boy Sasuke's. "We…"

"We always fought, didn't we?" Naru said in a voice that sounded suspiciously like that kid Naruto's. "Every day…"

"Yeah." Sasu said. A small smile fought across her lips. "… Why even did we?"

Now Naru smiled. "I don't know." She said. "I was just… Jealous. Of you, I think. But I know you got it bad as I do, now. I think it's just… Habit, at this point. I never mean it, not really."

Sasu smiled. "To be honest… I kind of enjoy it. I mean… You're frustrating, and annoying, and you're always doing something stupid and-"

"Don't ruin the moment Sasu." Naru said quickly.

"-and you always eat things you shouldn't… But." Sasu clapped her thigh. "But I – I have fun. Your stupid shenanigans are… Well they're what get me out of bed. What else I got, you know?"

"Shit." Naru said, tearing up a little. "I know. I know." He offered out a hand.

Sasu reached out as well, and they clasped for a moment in the center of the table.

Sakura grinned and clapped Sasu's shoulder where her hand still rested, feeling mighty proud of herself. "See? You're friends. You just didn't know how to say it, ya' know?"

Naru laughed. "I-"

"I." Hinata's voice trickled through the air and the others quieted politely. Hinata cleared her throat, her lips quivering as her mouth opened and closed, hoarse air passing through. Finally she mustered up the courage. "Why do you have penises!"

"Fuck! Bail!" Naru savagely backhanded Sakura in the crotch, sending her trundling away to collapse in the far corner. Sasu rose and flipped the table; three mugs of ice-cold hot chocolate became airborn. Naru used the airborn mugs as a distraction device – she tore the fuzzy dice from her tank-top and hurled them at Hinata – revealing that she had actually been Naruto the whole time!

The fuzzy dice gently squeaked off of Hinata's forehead and shoulder, and Naruto, taking advantage of her obfuscation, quickly leaped through the kitchen window in a shower of expensive double-pane glass. "You fucker wait for me!" Sasu cried, pulling the bottom of her turtleneck away from her navel. She pop-kicked the grapefruits that dropped from the fabric into the elegant light fixture that hung overhead – revealing that she had been Sasuke the entire time! As the entire fixture tore loose from its moorings, crashing down into the overturned table in a shower of glass and metal, Sasuke sprinted and kicked down the front door, quickly tearing out after Naruto. "You piece of shit you always leave me behind!" Hinata heard echo back.

"Because you're a worthless piece of shit you asshole!"

"Well fuck you!"

"I'M PRETTY!"

"FUCK YOU!"

Sakura quietly wept in the corner.

~END~

an: merry fucking christmas.