It was a warm Tuesday morning, all blue skies and fluffy clouds. Naruto stood at his kitchen counter. "I'm sorry." He addressed his coffeemaker. "I just can't do it today. Just – just make the coffee, okay?"

The coffeemaker hissed and sputtered. A stream of coffee slowly filled the glass pitcher.

Naruto sighed heavily. "You couldn't give me one day?"

A commotion from the living room. "Because!" Naruto turned and shouted at the confused deer pacing around his coffee table. "I just can't do it today! Alright? Today is my day off! Steve!"

Steve hissed, shat on the coffee table and kicked it through the window.

"Fuck you Steve! You said you'd cover for me!"

Steve galloped and launched himself through the broken window, vanishing into the sunlight. Distantly - the sound of breaking glass and a panicked cry.

"Thanks Steve!"

Naruto poured himself a glass of coffee and sat on his couch, reclining back with a contented sigh. "Yes." He took a sip of coffee. "Today… today is for me."

Pounding at his door. "Naruto!"

"I'm dead don't come in!"

"I'm coming in anyway!" Kiba came in, Sasuke trailing after him. "Come on. Up. We're going to class."

"I'm in class." Naruto took a vindictive sip of coffee. "Got someone to cover for me."

"That was a deer." Said Kiba.

"Shit. What gave him away?"

"Well Sakura sneezed and I guess she must have startled it because it freaked out and galloped around the room kicking everything over and hissing and anyone who got too close. And then it found the door and sort of wandered off."

"So what gave him away?"

"You hiss different." Sasuke said.

"And it knew math." Kiba added. "Kind of a dick about it though."

"Well I don't care how much math Steve knew." Naruto said 'math' like it was some hoity-toity rich person thing. "I'm not going to class today."

"Why?" Sasuke asked.

"Why?" Naruto parroted rudely. "Why? Does a bear shit in the woods, Sasuke?"

"I'm confident that it does. Remember? Literally – literally the Daimyo hates you. But that's not what that expression's for."

"Sakura's cheating on me!" Naruto stood and viciously hurled his coffee through the broken window. "With some floosy Konoha skank (distantly, the sound of breaking glass and an alarmed cry) that's why! There! You happy?"

"No."

Kiba shook his head. "More to the point you have to be involved with someone for them to cheat on you."

"We're literally – Kiba look at me – literally soulmates. We have a special bond."

"Yesterday she called you Shino."

"No." Sasuke said. "She was actually talking to Shino. Just - looked right through him."

"Bodily explode out of your own asshole, Sasuke."

Sasuke declined. "Fine. Well who is it, then?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"That's true but tell me anyways."

"No!"

Sasuke and Kiba stared at him. Naruto glared back defiantly.

Naruto hurried past them. "Well come on then!"

He led them to the training grounds, and then they were on their bellies crawling through the undergrowth, Sasuke alternating bites of sandwich and sips of beer as each hand neared his face. "Wha' are we doin?"

"Shh!" Naruto hissed. "We're here." He waved them up, and their three pairs of eyes peered out of the brush. There was a sunny clearing. It was empty. "Well I mean – we're here but there's still like, class for a few more hours so-"

"Alternatively," Kiba interrupted, "you could just tell us-"

"And waste the precious air that fills my lungs? Nice try, but no jaguar."

"Cigar."

Naruto let out an explosive breath. "Look at captain rich-pants over here - too big for his bitches!"

"Everyone shut up." Sasuke hissed. "Someone's coming.

The conversation fell. They peered out of the brush intently. The distant figures came into focus. Kiba rested his cheek on the ground. "Naruto that's Hinata."

"Sh!"

"Do I really need to explain this to you? She's allowed to have friends, Naruto."

"And yeah no shit I wouldn't have believed you." Added Sasuke bitterly. "Makin' me crawl all the way here - I'm gonna - gonna crack an egg into every concave surface in your fucking house-" Naruto shushed him again. Sasuke shuddered. "Oh you don't even know what hell you've unleashed on yourself. I hope you like stepping in piles of lard."

"Enough about your mother Sasuke, I'm trying to show you something."

Sasuke was about to do something he wouldn't regret at all when Kiba clapped his shoulder and turned him toward the clearing, where a lovely picnic was in progress beneath the shade of a tree. Sasuke sighed and addressed Kiba: "So they're close friends, whatever. Like you can talk – remind me, what did I walk in on last night?"

"It was a fucking slumber party you bastard." Kiba snapped defensively.

"He's in his mid-twenties, man. What the hell."

"It's not the same."

"How is it not the same. Tell me."

Kiba was about to do something Sasuke wouldn't regret at all when Naruto clapped their shoulders and turned them to the clearing, where Hinata had gotten food on her cheek and Sakura wiped it off with her finger and they both dissolved into fitful giggles. "Alright. So they're – close friends." Sasuke amended. "Bestfrienda-saurus, the friendliest of dinosaurs – but that doesn't mean th-"

Hinata kissed Sakura like Sakura's lips owed her money.

Kiba said "HNNNG-" Naruto clapped his hand over Kiba's mouth mid-convulsion but the damage was done. The three hunkered down and held their breath, waiting to see if they'd been discovered.

The picnic continued uninterrupted. Naruto cautiously removed his hand. "Do you see now?"

"Alright." Sasuke admitted like it physically pained him. Because it did. Blood ran freely from his ears. "Alright fine. You win."

Meanwhile Kiba frantically hissed into a walkie talkie. "Kssht, Notorious D.I.C… K, do you read me? Kssht, over."

"Ninja-jesus you guys have walkie-talkies? Put a ring on it."

"Maybe I will."

"Do it."

"I'm gonna."

The walkie-talkie crackled. "Kssht, this is Notorious D.I.C… K, I read you loud and clear. What's the dee-lizzle? Kssht over."

"Kssht yeah we got a TGK in progress, ksssht need you here ASAP over."

"Kssht" Kakashi hissed, physically in the bushes next to Kiba, "ETA right the fuck now, over." They high fived. "Perps?" Kiba gestured to the picnic. "… Sure they aren't just really close? Girls are neat like that."

The three replied in concert: "we're sure."

"Are you sure su-"

Sakura kissed Hinata like it was going out of style.

Kakashi said "HNNNNG-" Kiba clapped his hand over Kakashi's mouth and they all flattened to the dirt. "Sorry." Kakashi admitted as Kiba removed hand moments later, "It just slipped out."

"Enough about Sasuke's mother" Naruto snapped, "you see? She's cheating on me."

Kakashi lingered on each word as though it were an old friend: "you know you have to be with someone for them to cheat on you, right?"

Naruto maintained unblinking eye contact for upwards of four seconds. "Fuck you."

Kakashi chose to ignore Naruto's retardation. "Alright. What's the plan?"

"Plan?" Naruto echoed. "Plan? What's the plan?"

"Yeah, what's the plan."

Naruto shrugged. "I dunno." Kakashi high-fived his face.

END

an: blablabla