Chapter 52

Doug smiled at Abby. Carter was lucky to have such a wonderful companion and friend. He decided that getting another person's point of view wouldn't hurt. "Well, I'm sure you know by now that Anna and I had a short...well I don't know what you would call it exactly...but I felt, I feel something for her. Something I don't think I can feel for Carol anymore." Doug lowered his voice and scooted around the table closer to her. "Anyway, before I knew Anna was better she had written me a letter saying many different things, but one of them was that she was planning on moving to Texas. After she got better I tried different things to be around her but it was just awkward. Last night she called me and told me for sure that she was leaving. After that we got into a huge fight...and I said some things I shouldn't have that I know was the final step in her leaving. the things I said weren't true...I was just stressed out and angry, but she wont even look at me, much less talk. I'm just afraid that she'll leave thinking that I hate her when it could only be further from the truth...I think I love her Abby but instead of saying that I screwed it up." Doug's watery eyes looked into hers. He was desperate for some advice and he hoped Abby could help. "That's where Romano comes in. He found out somehow a little bit of what went on and started to lay into me this morning. I kind of lost it after he didn't leave...the only reason I'm sitting here right now is because we're short docs." Thinking back made him grin. "But at least that was worth it. Seriously though, from a woman's point of view...should I just let her go and not cause her anymore grief or should I at least try something? I mean, what would you want?"

Abby looked at him, "I didn't know." She said patting his hand, "but I think that if you give her some time to calm down she'll talk to you. It's not like she can leave right now, I think she's stuck in SICU for awhile." Abby didn't know what to tell him to ease his pain, "But you need to tell her the truth, find a way to make her listen to you. Sit on her, tie her to the bed; pull a swat mission if you have to. But if you love her Doug, and she loves you, then one of you has to swallow their pride and tell the other." She took a deep breath, "love only comes around once in awhile and we have to take risks to find it. Tell her before she boards that plane; I would want to know that before I decided to leave. I could try talking to her later after Carter goes to sleep tonight if you want me too?"

"Yeah, that'd be great if you would." he said patting her shoulder and standing up. "otherwise I would have to pull a swat mission again." Doug said grinning." well, I need to punch in, and I'm sure Carter wants to see you but thanks for the coffee...and the conversation."

"Anytime." Abby said heading over and grabbing another cup of coffee for Carter. She walked back up to the SICU where she saw Anna listening to her headphones. Carter had appeared to have gone back to sleep again. She sat down next to Anna, "Got a minute to talk." She said to her.

Anna looked up at Abby taking off her headphones. "Sure, what's up?" She was tired and not in the mood for a conversation yet again with another person even if it was Abby.

Abby took a deep breath, "I know that a lot of stuff has happened over the last couple of days and well, I'm not sure how to say this."

Anna looked at Abby, the expression on her face told Anna that she had talked to Doug about last night, after all the man did have friends around here, "you talked to Doug."

Abby looked at the floor, "yeah I did."

Anna bit her lip, "then you know that he and I don't have anything to say to each other anymore."

Abby stopped and pondered where she was going to go with this, "look Anna you might be wrong there. He said that you were thinking of leaving?"

Anna was a little taken aback by this, "yeah, and I'm not thinking about it, I'm going. He doesn't want me here, he doesn't need me here, and his life would be a whole lot simpler if I just melted away."

"I don't think that's how he sees it." Abby said.

"Well that's pretty much what he said Abby. I got the gist of his conversation last night. I'm a mistake." Anna said wiping her hand under her eyes. She hated fighting with people and the picture that he had painted, there was no reason for her to stay in Chicago anymore. One bad thing after another had happened since she arrived and it was time to move on, restart her life anew.

"No really that's not it." Abby said wishing that she could get thru to her friend.

"You know if he felt any different it would be him up here explaining this and not you. Whether or not he loves me I do care about him still even though my heart was shattered last night. No, I have a 10 am flight and I plan on being on it." She said to Abby, "now if you don't mind I am really tired and want to get some sleep."

"Yeah not a problem." Abby said getting up. She went back over to Carter's beside slipping next to him. Those two deserved each other. She couldn't understand how two people could be so right for each other and not see it. She snuggled in next to Carter, "I love you."

Doug walked down to the ER with his coffee. Jerry had some sappy music on as he walked by. "Ohhh come on, turn that crap off." he said sitting down and putting his feet up on the counter. he grabbed the newspaper and flipped through it. he really wasn't going to read it but he just wanted to look busy so no one would talk to him. he could see weaver standing beside him at the computer but didn't say anything to her.

"Feet off the desk Ross." She said batting them down, "don't you have patients to see?" She asked. "Some puking toddlers or something?"

Doug shot her a glance from behind the paper. "hey when a peds case comes in ill be the first on it...besides, we have no traumas and its not like I'm working triage scut today or anything."

Kerry couldn't help but somewhat smile, that sarcastic, you're about to get screwed smile, "that's what I get for hiring an ER peds doc. No you know what," She said now almost grinning, knowing that he hated paperwork, "you're back, you've proven that you've changed," She slapped a mountain of paperwork in front of him; "you get to reopen your peds ER."

Doug's mouth dropped open. "What! are you serious!" he said standing up. this made him way too excited. calming down a little he looked her in the eye. "are you sure?"

"Do I look like I am kidding you?" She said tossing even more paper work in front of him, a highlight for her day, "there ya go. Takes more work off my shoulders, and you can have all the peds cases that walk thru that door. It was your idea to begin with, I have to admit I wasn't on board before, but well County has more resources now and it's all yours. But you're the one who is going to have to find staffing for it, not me."

Doug was a little upset with all the new paperwork but he set it aside and pulled her into a hug he knew she didn't want. "ha-ha! I'll take care of it!" he said, his face beaming. this was the first good thing to happen to him since he came back to Chicago. "my kind of weaver." he said grabbing the papers and folders and opening them up.

"It's all yours," She said walking away, not wanting to be sucked into another Ross hug, one was more than enough. "Have fun with all the paper work too. I know you love doing paperwork." She tossed a box in front of him, "and a little present for your new position. For all the paper cuts you will be getting."

Doug just rolled his eyes. he was too happy to let her sarcastic remarks get to him. "he he, Doug Ross the attending." he said to himself. Doug was about to crack open the paperwork when an ambulance burst through the door. it wasn't a peds case but he was capable of switch hitting. he ran to the gurney and lead it into trauma one. "MVA with blunt force trauma." was what he heard. "ok...someone want to help me out?" he asked into the hall.-

Kerry went inside the trauma room, "what do we have?" She asked, as she prepared to dig in and get rid of the baby doc. "I've got it Doug, go home finish that paper work take a nap, you have a long next few days until you find another attending to work for you."

"Blunt force trauma due to the seatbelt of an MVA. 32 year old male. no LOC or head trauma."

"Got it, let's move people." Kerry said, "get him up to CT while he's stable. And get out of here before I stop being nice." Kerry grinned at him.

Doug smiled. "Hey...I'm here for you; I'll take a free day doing paperwork. It'll give me time to get some sleep in." He patted her on her arm. "Thanks again...ill see you tomorrow bright and early!" Doug walked to the desk and grabbed his papers. He jumped into his car before anyone had a chance to stop him and drove home. He walked in to find Carol inside. "Hey," he said with a smile. "You'll never guess what happened today"

She didn't look up, "what happened today Doug?'"

He set all the paperwork down and walked over to her wrapping his arms around her waist, forgetting she just got off a night shift. "Kerry gave me my attending spot back! Starting tomorrow you're looking at the new peds attending...I even get to pick my staff! I have a crap load of paperwork but I got to come home early." He tried to get in front of her face to kiss her but he was feeling a little resistance. "Isn't this great?"

Carol pushed him away, "yeah it's just great Doug. I just worked a 12 hour night shift. When are the girls and I ever going to see you, are we going to see you, this is so typical of you jumping into things with out thinking about the rest of us." As she said it, she knew it was coming off cold. The long hours of the first time he tried this in the forefront of her mind.

Doug took a step back. "Carol...it's not like I planned this behind your back. Kerry just offered it to me. what am I supposed to say, no?"

"That would have been a good place to start." Carol said starting in on him, "do you expect me to raise these girls alone? Because that's what I will be doing. You will have your hands full with that clinic. You will be there day in and day out especially until you can get it staffed. I don't understand you, and how are we supposed to find the time to work on what's going on between us? Did you think about that? Did any of that cross you mind?"

Doug's mouth dropped open. She just didn't understand. "I thought this was going to make you happy. You could be happy for me...besides I just spent the whole night with the girls after you finally decided to let me see them! and speaking of us...I'm here now so lets freaking work it out carol. I'm waiting on you."

"Ohhh do not tell me that you think that we can honestly work this out in an afternoon, do you? We have months of built up anger and resentment towards each other, you resent me because I drug you to Chicago; I resent you because I had to move to Seattle. We haven't been happy in a long time Doug, we've how do you say this lost our spark. I don't feel the same way I used to about you and I don't think that I ever will! So let me save you the time and the trouble of waiting on me, I'm calling it quits Doug, I'm done, finished, just let me know when your schedule allows you to have time to spend with the girls and we will work that part out, but as of right now, I'm done dealing with you." Anger filled her voice as she snapped at him, tired of trying to fix the sinking relationship alone.

"Oh don't you throw this on me! I never asked you to come to Seattle!" He yelled as loud as he could good thing the girls weren't home. "you know I have a say in this too! I gave up so much for you!" He stopped and took a breath. "we have a family, and we've both made mistakes but how can you all of a sudden decide this? What happened to the other night when we thought Anna was dead? I guess that was just a line or something huh? Great way to fix a relationship Carol. I have a job and I have kids, but don't you know that my family comes first! If you knew me at all you'd know that."

"Ohhh no you don't Doug Ross, you were going downhill in Seattle faster than a sinking ship. You left Chicago, left me alone and pregnant with our girls. If I wanted us to be a family the only choice I had was to chase you down in Seattle!" She was on the verge of screaming now, "Oh come off your high horse and come down to reality Doug. If we came first then what the hell were you doing making out with her? And don't tell me you didn't I saw it with my own eyes, I'm not blind Doug. You don't feel the same towards me and I don't feel the same way towards you, we are both unhappy why should we keep flogging a dead horse. I suppose the next little bomb you care to drop is that you slept with her too, all because you were so unhappy here and she gave you a little shimmer of what it was like to be happy again."

Doug was shaking he was so mad. He had almost lost his voice from yelling and couldn't think of anything to say to her. She always won these fights anyway. "You're right." He said softly as he crossed his arms in front of him. "I'm such an awful person, how could you ever stand to be with me? It's not like I knew you were pregnant right away, cause oh yeah...you waited forever to tell me...and it's not like I wouldn't have come back...but that's right, you faxed me a letter telling me not to. So when it comes to families don't blame things just on me...if you are happier without me as a partner that's fine. But we both need to be parents."

"We can both be parents Doug; I didn't say that you couldn't be." She said sitting back down, "when you get your schedule straightened out we will talk about some kind of shared living arrangements for the girls." She stood back up, "You can see them anytime you want, and you know where there school is." She said turning to walk out of the room, "but for now, you're not staying here." She continued on her way out of the room, that hurt she wasn't going to deny it, but it needed to be done, they had hurt each other too much for the time being.

Doug watched her leave. "Hey don't walk away carol" he said following her into the next room. "so you automatically get the house? where am I supposed to go? I don't see how any of this is fair."

She stopped dead in her tracks. "Its my house Doug, we're not married so sorry that you don't see it as fair, but that's the facts of life."

"We co-signed this damn thing so half of it is mine. besides you made me sell my house in Seattle. I mean what the hell? I hope you sleep good tonight knowing I'm out on my ass." Doug walked into the bedroom to grab a duffle bag and stick something's in it. he shoved his clothes in hard. In a second he got dizzy from his blood pumping so fast and had to sit down. he sat on the bed and put his head between his knees. he just needed to calm down, the last thing he wanted to do was jump in his car and get into an accident.

Carol looked at him, "out on your ass right. You know what you're right this is half your house too, go ahead and stay the girls and I will go stay with my mother. She loves having them there, but I'll warn you right now, you had better stay out of her way...she still doesn't like you."

"Your mothers never liked me Carol." he said looking up at her. Doug wanted to say something suave or apologetic but couldn't muster up the strength. "Thank you. If you...or I can find a place soon I'll compromise about the whole house thing." He wanted to ask why he couldn't have the girls tonight but decided it might be a little much. "You look like you need some sleep though. You want me to leave for awhile and let you get cleaned up? I can go to Doc's and do my paperwork for the better part of the day." Doug knew it was hard for both of them to be around each other. He hoped that one day soon it wouldn't be so much of an issue.

"No," Carol said turning on her heel, "I'll sleep at my mother's a lot better than here right now. You stay here and do your damn paperwork. Maybe if I am lucky I can get in at least a two hour nap before picking up the girls." She slammed the door behind her.