Chapter 63:
Doug's alarm woke him. He slowly sat up and looked outside. It was a beautiful sunny day; days were usually like that in Lexington. He looked at his phone; it didn't have any messages on it. "Maybe Anna's busy in the ER" he thought. He turned it off to save the battery and headed for the shower. After a shower and a shave he felt a little better. He threw on some jeans, a black tee-shirt and his boots and headed out to his mom's house. The stay at the motel hadn't been expensive, a luxury of staying in a crappy place. After stopping for gas and some lunch Doug finally made it into town. He parked his car outside the funeral home and walked in to fill out some papers. By the time that was done it was early evening and Doug wanted to do something else.
He hopped in his car and headed to his old high school. It was a Friday and they always had a basketball game going on. He bought a ticket and walked through the halls before going into the gym. His team's picture was still in the trophy box at the front of the school '4 time state champions' said the caption under their picture. His jersey hung with the other captains down the hall. "Number 20" Doug said walking past it. It was crazy how things were still the same. He walked into the gym and tried to find a seat. It was packed, games here were always packed. Doug squeezed between a few people and sat down to watch the game and get his mind off of life.
Anna stopped for gas. It was starting to get dark and she was kicking herself. She was a stupid woman. After filling up the car she pulled out onto the road again. She opened up her phone and hit send..."come on Doug pick up." She said to herself..."great I am lost in Kentucky. Oh man please pick up the phone don't kick me over to voice mail" She threw her sunglasses onto the seat next to her.
Doug couldn't hear his phone ring in the crowded gym. His team was up 58-45 and he was having a great time. Nothing like a basketball game to get his mind of things. Doug yelled with the rest of the crowd when the ref made a bad call. He glanced at his watch. It was almost eight and the service started at ten tomorrow. It would be in his mom's catholic church. He had promised himself he would never go back there but he was stuck on this one. Even though he didn't have a real family left his moms friends from church were going to give a service at the house afterwards. 'Thank god for small favors' he told himself. He knew southern women. They would be cooking and cleaning and he wouldn't have to do much. Just screw on a smile and make small talk for the day. He rubbed his face. He was still tired and hungry. After the next quarter he decided he would leave if the team was up by enough.
"Ahh," she screamed as she heard his voice mail pick up. "Doug its Anna," She sighed as she pulled into a parking lot of a large church, "this was not one of my better ideas I can tell you that right now. Please call me when you get this. I am so lost right now it's not funny. I just pulled into a church parking lot." She said as she hung up the phone and turned off the car. She got up and walked inside, thank god churches were for the most part open. She walked up to the front got on her knees and for the first time in her life asked god for something specific, special and important. She closed her eyes, "you know I have never asked you for much, but please watch over him now. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him, I'd be lost with out him. You brought me back, and he's the one love of my life."
Doug got up after the third quarter. His team had pulled ahead and was winning 81-53. He walked outside in the cool air. Kentucky was so much nicer than Chicago in March. His phone beeped and he pulled it off his belt to look at it. He had several missed messages. As he opened it to listen to them the low battery signal came on as his phone turned off. 'Ahh damn." he said "Have to charge it later." he was sure that nothing was too important though. He got in his car to grab something to eat and find another motel. As he drove past the church he could have sworn he was his jeep in the parking lot. "I'm going crazy" he said to himself. He swung by a burger joint and drove outside of town until he found a motel. Once he was there he called his house hoping Anna would pick up. He didn't know her cell phone number by memory and couldn't get it until his phone charged. He got the machine at his house. "Hey Anna. I guess you're working hard. I just wanted to tell you that I'm in a motel outside of town. The service is tomorrow and I will try you again tomorrow night. Hey the weather is a lot better here...I wish you were here. I guess I'll see you in a few days. I hope you have a goodnight." Doug hung up the phone and unwrapped his food. He was glad he left her with the peds ER. He was afraid if he didn't she would do something crazy like try and follow him here.
Carter laughed as he watched her drive through Chicago. "She's not all that bad as people think she is to be" He admitted to her.
"Okay I'll give you that one." Abby said as she pulled up in front of his house. "Here ya go, home sweet home."
"All right' He said to her as they were there. "Glad to be home."
"Come on let's get you inside." She said as she turned off the car. "I really want to take that shower."
"Ok" he said as he followed her inside the place. "A shower sounds nice, but nope no shower for me right now.
"Come on let's get you inside." She said as she turned off the car. "I really want to take that shower."
"Ok" he said as he followed her inside the place. "A shower sounds nice, but nope no shower for me right now."
Anna walked out of the church...this was not her night. She was getting tired so she got back into her car and pulled into the first motel she found. She missed him more than she wanted to admit to anyone. She got the key for her room and walked back to her car. As she leaned against her car. She blinked a couple of time before she kicked it. "God damn it. You hate me don't you?" She looked up at the sky it was such a pleasant night, "why, what did I do to deserve to be lost in a strange state in a strange city and not be able to reach him. Okay Anna pull yourself together you are talking to absolutely no one." Why had she decided to do this? Doug had told her to stay in Chicago. Because she loved him that's why she had gotten on that plane, rented a car, and swear she had driven all over Kentucky. She opened the back of the jeep that she had been driving. It was the only thing that they had left at the rental place. She slammed the back of it closed and leaned back. She didn't think that she could be any more stupid than deciding to do this.
Doug had just finished his food when he heard some woman screaming outside in the parking lot. He looked outside his window to make sure she wasn't getting mugged or anything but the lighting wasn't very good and he couldn't see much. 'Don't get yourself shot' he told himself. After a few seconds he opened his door and stepped outside. He could see someone standing by a jeep but couldn't make out who it was; just that it was a woman. "Hey Ma'm." he said putting his hands in the air to show her he wasn't going to hurt her. He didn't know what had just happened but he knew how people in Kentucky liked to carry guns so he was going to be careful. "Is everything ok? I heard you yell."
She saw a figure with his hands up in the air the voice was familiar, but it was too dark and she was tired, "Thanks for the concern but I'm fine." She said moving from the back of the jeep. She threw her bag over her shoulder and took a couple of steps forward, "I'm just tired, lost and frustrated. Nothing that some sleep and daylight won't fix." As she got closer, she could see better..."Doug, oh thank god I found you." She said looking up at him. 'I had better explain this one and fast.' Anna said to herself she didn't even give him a chance to say anything, as fast as she could she launched into her explanation, "I know you told me to stay in Chicago, and really I should have, but I went to the hospital, Kerry said that you could take you time here, and then Romano he said it was okay to work and then the next thing I knew I was being suspended, I wasn't there an hour before that happened, I know I should probably be fired for that one, I didn't see any reason that I should sit in Chicago, so I hopped a flight got here at 3, I think I drove all over Kentucky trying to find you thru Georgetown, Paris, Midway, and even Glasgow before I realized I had missed Edmonton. I tried to call and you didn't answer, it took me 5 hours for a 2 hour drive. I know that I shouldn't have but I didn't want you to be here alone. Please baby, don't be mad at me." She blurted out all in one breath.
Doug was surprised to hear his name. Once she started talking he knew who it was. As she started to explain he slowly walked over to her. By the time she was done he was standing right in front of her. He slipped the bag off her shoulder and set it on the ground. "Hey" he whispered. He brought his hands up to touch either side of her face. "You don't have to explain." he said softly. "I'm glad you're here."
Anna let out a sigh. "I am too." She said looking into his eyes, "I couldn't stay away."
"He must be one special guy." Doug said with a weak smile. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a kiss. After a second he reached down and grabbed her bag "I got this" he said as he slung it over his shoulder. He went to take her hand and saw the room key. "You're not really thinking you are staying in another room tonight are you?"
She smiled back at him, "you know you are. I didn't know you were here." She rubbed her eyes, "I either need to glue your cell phone to you, or get you a spare battery baby. Oh hell how about if I don't let you out of my sight."
Doug smiled as he opened the door. "It's fate I tell ya!" Doug followed her in and locked the door. "I didn't hear you call...oh I was at a basketball game. I just didn't hear it ring. I'm sorry." he said smiling. "How did you get lost though? There are only so many places you can go in town. Besides I left you an address." Doug took a sip of his drink and held out the fry box to her. "French fry?"
She snapped up a French fry, "how could I get lost...I couldn't read your doctor chicken scratch, I've never been in Kentucky before, I got turned around headed north and then I ended up going east before I realized I wanted to be heading south, that's how I got lost. Touring the countryside was not high on my list of things to do." Anna sat down on the bed putting her head in her hands, she didn't want to open up a can of worms by asking him how he was doing, "So then I take it that was your high school I drove by three times."
"If it was packed that was probably it. There's a big tournament this weekend. I don't think we've lost a state championship since before I was on the team." he said sitting next to her and handing her the box. "I can go out and get you something to eat." it was nice to have a conversation that didn't involve what he was feeling or thinking. It was easier to deal with Anna. He smiled at her and poked her in the side. "So what are you doing to get suspended? I mean, I thought I had the bar set pretty high on disciplinary actions."
"That's very impressive. No you don't have to get my anything to eat; I grabbed something at the last gas station I was at." She said batting at his hand. "Well you didn't set the bar very high if I jumped over that fast. It didn't take but going from the SICU to the ER before I managed to get myself suspended. I have done a lot of things but this is a first for me." She fell back on the bed laughing, "I am so lucky that he didn't fire me on the spot for that one. I hit Romano, and man did it feel good."
"You hit him?" Doug asked while his mouth dropped open. He started to laugh as Anna did. "Alright, we're like Bonnie and Clyde." Doug ran his fingers through his hair trying to picture Anna nailing him in the face. "What'd the little bastard do? I am I'm sure he deserved it."
"Oh, what he did, hum, well," she wasn't sure just how much of that she wanted to tell him, "he asked me out to dinner, called me the doctor from the dead and now I have to go before the competency review committee."
Doug smiled. "Hell, I would have hit him too." Doug said turning and climbing on top of Anna. "But it doesn't take much to set me off." he said with a smile as he moved the hair out of her face. He took a deep breath and touched foreheads with her. "It was really sweet for you to come here though...I really didn't want to be here alone." he said closing his eyes. He hoped she knew how much it really means to him. The fact that she thought enough about him to drop everything to chase him down said a lot. It said she wanted to be in this for the long hall.
She whispered softly, "it was the least that I could do for a man who had the guts to chase me thru midway. I love you," She reached up touching his face gently; "I'd do anything for you."
Doug sighed. He felt like he was going to loose it. He kissed her forehead and rolled off the bed before he did. "Ill let you get some sleep. You must be tired." he said walking into the bathroom leaving the door cracked open. He turned the water on in the sink to make it sound like he was doing something but rested his head against the mirror. He rolled back the tears in his eyes. 'Suck it up Doug, be a man' played in his head. That was the one thing his dad had always made sure he did. Thinking on today, it had been hard but he knew tomorrow was going to be worse.
She curled up on her side. Dan did this when her mom died. She crossed the room standing just outside of it. "A wise man once told me that the only way to start to heal the hurt is to cry...it cleans the heart and soul." She crossed the room picking up her purse and keys, "Hey I left something in the rental car. I will be back in a minute." She said as she headed outside. She opened up the car door and dug thru her purse for her emergency stress relief. No one knew that she did this, and she'd keep it that way if she could, but it helped calm her down when she had to deal with an irate Max. She brought it to her lips as she fumbled with the lighter. Maybe if she gave him a few minutes alone, he'd let go and cry.
Doug heard what she said but didn't take it in. he backed up and looked at himself in the mirror. He really didn't like what he saw. He walked into the room and noticed she was outside. After grabbing his keys Doug went out to sit with her. He saw her smoking and walked over. "Smoking's bad for you, you know." he said pulling the cigarette out of her mouth and putting it into his. After inhaling deeply he put a finger against his lips. "Shh, don't tell" he said walking over and sitting down on the curb. "Boy it's nice out tonight" he said inhaling again.
"Yeah it is." She said reaching into her purse. "Keep that one, you keep my secret and I can pretend that I didn't see you with that." She sat down next to him. For once in a long time she didn't feel like talking. She just sat there looking at the stars. The silence between them was making her almost feel awkward. She didn't know what to do, what to say, she wanted to be there to support him. But right now it felt like she couldn't breathe. Right now it was easier to just close down communication between them. That way neither of them would have to deal with anything that they didn't want to. She knew he didn't want to talk about how he was feeling, and she didn't want to talk period. They were going to have a long day tomorrow. She glanced at her watch it was a little after 9 now. She finished the smoke and stood up. "You know you should try and get some sleep." She looked around her taking in the surroundings. Taking 10 minutes of quiet time had given her a second wind. "I'm going to grab a beer." She kissed the top of his head.
Doug finished his cigarette and threw down the butt. "Hey can I bum another one off ya?" he said remaining seated. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep much tonight and a smoke helped him calm down. Doug felt bad for Anna. She shouldn't have to be here for this. He would hate being at a funeral for someone else. He didn't have a speech prepared for tomorrow and hoped that he wouldn't have to. Members of her church would probably take up the whole time talking anyway. It wasn't the service he was dreading going to. It was the reactions of her friends. None of them ever knew the things that went on in their house when he was growing up. They all assumed that his dad was the best, even when they both came out with bruises and black eyes. He knew they would treat him like a child like they did before he left this town. He hoped Anna wouldn't leave his side. Maybe with her there they would have something else to talk about.
"Yeah," She said as she reached into her purse and held them out for him. She looked down at him, before walking over to the jeep popping the back open. "You want one." She said as she leaned into the back of the jeep, "they are kind of warm." She looked at him sitting there, "so do you want stuff Anna tomorrow or do you want me to give, well if you mom's church was anything like my mom's the old biddies something to talk about so they leave ya alone."
Doug lit the cigarette and motioned for Anna to throw him a beer. "I don't care" he said after he closed the lighter. He lay back on the concrete and inhaled the smoke. Carol always hated it when he smoked, but it was never very often. "You know I failed astronomy. The only constellation I ever learned was Orion." he said pointing up to the belt. "That was always a really easy way to get a kiss in high school." he said with a small laugh. "Take my date out to the hill on Jamerson and point out the one star pattern I knew. The girls would think it was cute..." he sat back up and opened the beer. "But then they all started talking to each other and realized that I took them all to the same place and then they hated me." Doug took a big drink of the can and set it back down. Getting alcohol in his probably wasn't smart the way he was feeling at the moment. He knew he was bound to say something stupid. "You don't have to feel obligated to go tomorrow Anna. I know you feel uncomfortable around me now, and that you're trying to be supportive but...I'm telling you now, it's going to be worse tomorrow...and the service is going to be in church and I know how you feel about that." Doug talked to the ground almost the whole time. He was glad she was here but he didn't want her to come out of this hating him for saying something hurtful that he didn't mean to. He could tell she was still a little jumpy from when he yelled at her the other day and he didn't want one hard time to ruin their new relationship.
"I don't feel obligated to go." She said as she brought the can up to her lips. 'Ahhh," she shook her head, "warm beer sucks. Seriously though, I want to do this, to be there for you. Someday I am going to need to lean on you, and I know you would do the same for me. As for the church thing, I had a long talk with the man upstairs tonight when I got lost and for once in my life he gave me what I asked for." She said taking another swig from the can. "Now do you want stuffy Anna or do we give those old biddies something to talk about so that they don't smother you to death? I can either be this good little catholic girl, or your beautiful trophy girlfriend, your choice."
"You're not a trophy Anna." he said flicking the cigarette away from him. He put his head down. He wasn't really in the mood for jokes even though he knew Anna was just trying to help. After several minutes he lifted his head back up. "What'd you ask for?" he asked looking up at her. "You said god helped you out...maybe you're Saint Anna... if I pray through you he might listen to me for once." somewhere in him, where he wouldn't admit, Doug still had faith. And it pissed him off that god could do something like this, right when things were starting to go well again.
"Yeah, sure." She said as she got into the glove box and pulled out another smoke. She used the lighter in the jeep because it was right there. "I asked him to help me find my way back to you." She realized that she had raised her voice, but didn't care right now, "you the one person in the world I give a damn about, I'm here because I want to be, not because you asked me to, or because I feel that I have to be. I can't tell if you want me to stay or if you want me to go... get close or stay away. Yeah I know losing your parent hurts and it hurts badly, and it's going to hurt for a long time." She was losing her temper; she took a deep breath this was not where she wanted to go right now, this isn't what they needed. She walked around to the other side of the jeep. Breathe, breathe, Anna shut up now.
Doug closed his eyes; this was exactly what he didn't want to happen. 'Damn it Doug why can't you shut up?' he told himself out loud. He kicked the can and stood up. He put his hands behind his head and walked past Anna, setting her room key on the car, to head down the road. He didn't know where he was going to go but he felt like he was talking to carol again. He really did love Anna, and it was because of that he had to leave. It killed him he could never tell her the real reasons that he said some of the stupid things he did. He knew the reasons would break her heart...and possibly change the way she saw him. 'One day' he told himself.
She stood there for a minute letting it all sink in. She grabbed the key off the car and ran after him. "Wait, Doug stop." She grabbed for his arm, "don't go. I'm sorry I'm just more tired than I thought. I didn't mean to raise my voice."
Anna surprised him when she grabbed his arm. He spun around and took a step back. He tried to quickly get rid of the look of fear on his face. He hated it when people grabbed him. "Look...don't worry about it." he said running a hand through his hair. He was tired of apologizing. He stood there for a second not sure what to say. "You just...you can't understand...and I cant tell you." he said putting his hands up and taking a few more steps back. "God help me, I can't"
"I can't understand what," She said softly looking at him, "that your old man beat you and your mom when you were growing up. It's why you pummel Max to a pulp because he was beating me. I don't have to understand it. I love you for who you are now, right now, the man standing before me. If you need to shut down to deal with all of this, and then do, we all cope differently. I have to respect that."
Her words brought tears to his eyes. "I'd never hit you..." Doug walked around in a circle trying to not scream. "I don't know how to deal with this. I didn't feel much when my dad died and I felt bad about that. I hadn't seen my mom in... many years. She had only seen my daughters in pictures because we never liked to see each other because...every time she looked at me she saw my dad. And you don't know how that feels." Doug said speaking strongly now. "My whole life down here, we had to pretend that everything was perfect because my mom was so afraid of what people thought of her. I hate these people because they did nothing to help! The freaking priest who wouldn't let her get a divorce...and I hate myself for not being strong enough to stop it." Doug looked her in the eye. It was all coming out now so he might as well finish it. "I've never been in a lasting relationship because I'm so scared that one day I'm going to wake up and be that man, and have ruined someone else's life. And as much as you tell me that everything's going to be ok, and that I'm a great guy, the bad stuff is still easier to believe." Doug wrapped his hands around the back of his neck. "And this is what I didn't want you to see...this part of my character cause if you knew half of what my real problems were you'd think I was a different person." Doug walked into the middle of the street. He thought a moment on what he had just spilled. 'You idiot' he told himself. He picked at the scab on his hand nervously. "You must be tired...I don't want to keep you up." Doug didn't know how Anna would react to his speech so he wanted to give her a way out.
"That's the one thing I do know. I know that you would never hit me. I don't know what you're feeling; I don't know what that's like. We all have skeletons in the closet. I want to make us work. I have never been with anyone who has made me feel so full of life, who's given me a reason to live." She turned away from him and she started to walk away, she stopped "we just have to adjust to one another, learn how to deal with each other, when to push and when not too. We'll grow into one another. If you can never tell me the other half of your problems then you never do."
Doug crossed his arms. He had never met anyone as understanding as her. "And that's ok with you?" he asked quietly.
"Yes it is okay. I wouldn't tell you it was if it wasn't."
Doug walked up to meet her. It took him a second but he did it. He didn't touch her or say a word. He hoped that the fact that he was walking back with her said enough. This was a subject he didn't want to get on. He walked into the room with Anna and went through his bag for his night clothes. After he set them on the bed he turned got go to brush his teeth but he made an effort to walk past her. He touched her shoulder gently and slowly slipped his arm around her. In a second he let go from his semi hug and walked into the bathroom to get ready for bed.
She grabbed her pjs and threw them on as she waited for him to finish in the bathroom. When she saw him come out she darted in to brush her teeth before coming back out and getting into bed. Things were not good but they were okay.. She knew that they would be okay. She laid her head down on the pillow pulling the blanket up tight around her. She shifted onto her side, "goodnight." She said softly as she closed her eyes.
Doug made his way to the bed and sat down. He lay on his back and stared at the dark ceiling. If this relationship didn't work he would be screwed. He had put himself over the edge for Anna. Been through too many things with her for him not to get a broken heart. He closed his eyes and fell asleep with those thoughts in his head.